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| Topic: From Lust to Disgust | |
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I know this is an idiotic question to ask a bunch of folks who, like myself, don't have a clue as to what a lifelong relationship is.
But, let's give it a shot. No matter how many months or years it took to get there, most of us are divorced. Divorced because our partner or we went from the person of lust to the person of utter disgust and one wanted out. What was it that made you or you ex-partner want out? What are some things we/they could have done to having that stable, lifetime commitment? My hope is to see if I can avoid that in the last few years I have in this life. |
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I've never been divorced before but I have friends that were married young (late teens and 20s) because all their friends were doing it and it was expected of them. Our generation gets married young and has babies. I never quite understood that.
I have been through breakups though. I would say settling is a big one. Ignoring instincts. Giving him the benefit of the doubt. |
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I think I was weak in my choosing of him. There were red flags galore and I ignored them. I was really, in my stoopid way, trying to break up with him by saying 'at this point, I think we should either get married or break up'. I figured if I made it a mutual decision, he wouldnt be cruel to me for breaking up with him. He assumed I was giving him a marriage ultimatum so to my shock, he said we should get married. Fooooork!! It was my fault for not mustering strength and saying instead, 'at this point, I think we should break up. Goodbye.' So we were married, and I wasnt what he wanted and he told me so everyday for 8 years or so. He kept trying to shame me into being like his mother, or yelling at me or threatening me with violence or worse. I think the key is selection and self awareness. You cant be successful at that unless you love yourself, which I do. That way you can love someone else. I just havent found anyone yet. I'm sure the big man upstairs has someone very special lined up for you. He just makes you wait until the time is right, that's all. 
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I am by no means, an innocent party.
I have been married 4 times. The first 3 were destroyed by me. They were all 3 great women. The 4th, I did good by. I just didn't listen and sold myself to her. She is a good woman in her own right. I would have loved living out my life with her. She had other (blood family)priorities. I always had to wait and my turn never came. It was never issues like cheating or abuse. Her cancer, chemo, radiation, fybromyalgia, the meds and depression didn't help the situation. Although, when she was getting treated for cancer, we got along well. When she got better, I was placed back on the shelf. Just call me, tired of sitting on the shelf gathering dust. |
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I know this is an idiotic question to ask a bunch of folks who, like myself, don't have a clue as to what a lifelong relationship is. But, let's give it a shot. No matter how many months or years it took to get there, most of us are divorced. Divorced because our partner or we went from the person of lust to the person of utter disgust and one wanted out. What was it that made you or you ex-partner want out? What are some things we/they could have done to having that stable, lifetime commitment? My hope is to see if I can avoid that in the last few years I have in this life. After the second divorce to the same person I just wanted out. The lack of freedom by trying to be someone I wasn't was just too much to bear. The wonderful lust we both shared in the beginning lacked true friendship. I was of the opinion that it was just us two but awoke to the reality it was better just to be the silent partner. Seeing that what I said only made matters worse with her relationship with her mother. I just had to admit that even though she was not legally married to my wife that in spirit I was the odd man out. I know the third time is charm but I guess I am not that charming. The only way I could have made that a stable, lifetime commitment was if I just signed myself over to a sanitarium. As they say freedom comes with a price. Fortunately, I was willing to pay the price. 
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My 2nd marriage I ended the MOMENT he became violent,
and not an hour later. Walked out and saved myself. The first one, of 27 years was harder. I would advise to never stop talking and communicating to keep it fresh. To always be interested, and learning to fake it when not :-) To need, and be needed. |
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Giving him the benefit of the doubt. I suppose it takes a lifetime to grow tree branches. Some men are just a stump. |
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Edited by
dreamerana
on
Mon 07/28/14 07:55 PM
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my first mistake was thinking I could help someone who didn't want to be helped. my second (with the same guy) was falling for it when he blamed me for a variety of things that were really his own shortcomings. it became a very destructive relationship. you don't ever have to lift a hand in anger to break someone's spirit.
he made me doubt myself, my intelligence, my worth as a person and as a woman. until I walked away with the last shred of dignity that I had left and said I have to love myself more than this |
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I was naive and stupid. I thought I could make a person's life happy, when she truly did not want to be happy. Instead worked hard at being unhappy and miserable...and wanted the same for the people near her.If nothing else, it was a learning experience.
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I only have myself ,to blame..
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