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| Topic: should I feel guilty? | |
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Hi all first not sure if this be under parenting or not? But i'm a single dad of 16 yo boy (it's hell and fun at same time) and I work 12+ hrs a day, we've finally started getting along, but I want some me time. I've realized paying bills ain't everything and want to have fun and maybe find friends or other now. But to do so i've gotta cut time from somewhere, and feel guilty about anywhere I take it from, when I stay up late so as not to steal time from him or household stuff, I'm late for work! Should I just wait till he's grown or not? Let house fall down around us? Wanna be happy not sure how?
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my honest opinion on this... i was a single parent... i had worked 2 jobs, devoted my time to my daughter and did what i had to do. after she reached a certain age, it was time for mom to have a little of a life as well. she had her friends and did her things and i did too. luckily my friends also had children and loved her so we all did things together as well. as for dating, i started dating and was cautious about who i brought around her until i felt it was right. but if you arent happy, you cant make anyone else happy either. its not being selfish its just being human. you need adult interaction just as they need interaction with people their ages.
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Should I just wait till he's grown or not? He's already grown. At 18 people don't magically morph into a brand new creature called "adult." Wanna be happy not sure how? There's no real guarantee for happiness no matter if you just abandon your kid, quit your job, and run off to live like a monkey in Hawaii. Maybe figure out a bunch of stuff you don't really offer here. Like are you unhappy? Or just not as happy as you want to be? What do you see as making you unhappy? Is it too much stress? A recent change? Is it not that you're unhappy but just stressed? Do you have thoughts like "if I just had more time," or, "if I just didn't work 12 hour days I could do/have this..."? What do you think will make you happy and why will that make you happy? Do you see some sort of object or goal as the Macguffin that will lead to your eternal bliss? Like do you think "if I could just find 'the one,' or, 'if I could just find the right relationship,' then that will magically create happiness in you? Do you have any kind of HR reps or councilors at work you can go to with "work life balance" issues? Other than that Wanna be happy not sure how? If you don't know, yourself, how you can be happy, why do you think anyone else can tell you how you can be happy? |
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Hi all first not sure if this be under parenting or not? But i'm a single dad of 16 yo boy (it's hell and fun at same time) and I work 12+ hrs a day, we've finally started getting along, but I want some me time. I've realized paying bills ain't everything and want to have fun and maybe find friends or other now. But to do so i've gotta cut time from somewhere, and feel guilty about anywhere I take it from, when I stay up late so as not to steal time from him or household stuff, I'm late for work! Should I just wait till he's grown or not? Let house fall down around us? Wanna be happy not sure how? its quite a balancing act,, all you can do is your best I can definitely relate. ITs ALL important , the actually BEING THERE for them and FINANCIALLY Providing their needs,,,as well as taking some time to ourself to not go crazy, and time to rest and there just never seems enough hours in the day to do enough of any of it,,,,,,but I personally think the MOST Important thing is that they know they are valued and loved and can depend upon us to make sure they are safe, and healthy. (Happy comes and goes and there is no guarantee that anyone can or will provide it for us.) |
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Edited by
mysticalview21
on
Tue 08/26/14 07:06 AM
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op their are a lot divorced and single women out there... you did not say if your x has joint custody... but i would think even if your the soul parent he has friends an would spend the night on wk ends sometimes ... just do what your doing but try and make a night or day out for yourself ... I understand completely why you might feel guilty ... but so long as you keeping him and helping him with every thing he needs ...you should not feel bad about taking a little time for yourself ... but do not bring in a female till u are absolutely sure is the right one for your family and u ... Have seen to many women men do that right away and then did not take long for them to know they where not right for each other ... then the child gets hurt too ... so what every you do keep separate for a while ... and again try and find a day or night just for you ... even if your doing nothing should not feel guilty becouse of that ... and even might improve your relationship with your son ... good luck ... oh i found sometimes while fathers and sons are shopping in supermarkets thinking they are separated already ... if there is someone you run a crossed that look single... no problem to ask or talk to them ... I have seen both ... nothing came from it but flirting with each other hahahaha ...
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Edited by
no1phD
on
Fri 11/21/14 08:23 AM
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Hmm.. the overwhelming guilt..
. of leaving your children at home. . will you try to find a little slice of happiness... not to mention the feeling that you are always on the clock. .. oh and forget about sleepovers.... being spontaneous.. .. let's just go away right now... drive up to the mountains....mmm....no. that's not going to happen .... .. having them to your place out of the question... at least for a while.. . so you better hope she doesn't have kids at home either... or you're never going to be intimate.... getting a hotel room... just leaves you both feeling like you're paying for sex somehow....lol... my boys go to there mothers from time to time.... which allows me a little break... my oldest can watch my youngest... for a few hours...... but be prepared.. the guilt hits you... at the weirdest times.. . it can affect your performance .. so to speak..lol.. when I first started dating I was a wreck a mess... .. constantly worried about my boys.. ... very guarded to make sure they never knew I was dating... even to this day I will not talk to women on my phone around them. . their mother is their mother... I would never do anything to change that for them.. and I'm always very aware.. that this may be casual dating for me.. . but what they hear and see will stay with them for a lifetime.. . . |
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Hi all first not sure if this be under parenting or not? But i'm a single dad of 16 yo boy (it's hell and fun at same time) and I work 12+ hrs a day, we've finally started getting along, but I want some me time. I've realized paying bills ain't everything and want to have fun and maybe find friends or other now. But to do so i've gotta cut time from somewhere, and feel guilty about anywhere I take it from, when I stay up late so as not to steal time from him or household stuff, I'm late for work! Should I just wait till he's grown or not? Let house fall down around us? Wanna be happy not sure how? I'm really not sure what to say but I just wanted to wish you and your son well. It's clear you have a sense of responsibility and that can only be good. All the best 
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so I guess to answer your question no o..P.. you're going to feel guilty no matter what you do...lol... until they're old enough to leave the house.... so just still happiness wherever you can.... it is not the best scenario... but when you have children.... you work your life around them.... the guilt never goes away.
. you just learn to push it down somewhere else.. |
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This thread would not go well if it were a single mother asking this question.
Good luck. |
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oh yes and when I said you just learn to push it down somewhere else..
I didn't mean push it down into a bottle of Jack Daniels..lol.. although a couple shots ,on your date night doesn't hurt..lol |
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Hi all first not sure if this be under parenting or not? But i'm a single dad of 16 yo boy (it's hell and fun at same time) and I work 12+ hrs a day, we've finally started getting along, but I want some me time. I've realized paying bills ain't everything and want to have fun and maybe find friends or other now. But to do so i've gotta cut time from somewhere, and feel guilty about anywhere I take it from, when I stay up late so as not to steal time from him or household stuff, I'm late for work! Should I just wait till he's grown or not? Let house fall down around us? Wanna be happy not sure how? Being a single parent and working 12 hours a day doesn't leave much room for "me" time...Especially after you add 6 or 7 hours to sleep, a couple of hours to cook, clean and do laundry, 30 minutes to shower and shave, 30 minutes to help with homework and school projects, a few hours to shop for groceries and run other errands, enough time for both of you to visit the barber, time to run a part time taxi service or an auto repair shop for your teen...Well, you get the picture...You sound like a dad who cares, one who accepts HIS responsibility....Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but for most single parents having fun time that doesn't include their kid(s) goes to the bottom of the list...If you don't believe me, ask any single mom...He's 16, you're very close, don't mess it up....You had your fun before you had him and there will be plenty of time to enjoy life AFTER you teach him how to fly...
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Edited by
SparklingCrystal 💖💎
on
Fri 11/21/14 09:12 AM
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Hi all first not sure if this be under parenting or not? But i'm a single dad of 16 yo boy (it's hell and fun at same time) and I work 12+ hrs a day, we've finally started getting along, but I want some me time. I've realized paying bills ain't everything and want to have fun and maybe find friends or other now. But to do so i've gotta cut time from somewhere, and feel guilty about anywhere I take it from, when I stay up late so as not to steal time from him or household stuff, I'm late for work! Should I just wait till he's grown or not? Let house fall down around us? Wanna be happy not sure how? No, you should not wait. He's 16!! He can do stuff on his own, and surely he's got his own thing to do in life as well by now. 16 is the age where things become a lot easier, you can also talk to him about it, he will understand, as long as you convey it the right way. He knows about wanting to be with a girl, so he can surely understand YOU want to spend time with a woman. He may go eeewww.. don't mention sex, lol, kids do NOT want to know their parents want or have sex. But dating, why not? He's not a baby anymore, so stop treating him that way? He may even be happy to get some alone time on a Saturdaynight himself. He might tease you about dating, great! You shouldn't hide from being human, a man. Kids in their teens can know, understand and learn to respect that their parent(s) also would like to do things themselves. Make sure you still have quality time with him. It's not the quantity per say, it's the quality that counts! And that quality is also what he will remember when he's older .. If need be, make a schedule, i.e. one Saturday afternoon or evening a month you go on a date. If you're real busy, don't go for 1 each week, just be realistic and see what you can fit into your life. Oh and very much what No1 said: keep dates away from your kid, including phone calls if you can help it. Okay if he knows you date, no need to confront him with it (yet).
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Ohh.. I forgot about this one.. the guilt you will feel for the person you are dating. .. you begin to feel horrible.. for them.. you keep telling them that they deserve better than what you can offer.them.. they should be with somebody that doesn't have.. the responsibility of children in their lifes.... I have deliberately crash and burn...
.. so many meet and greets.... ... because I felt my date.. needs more . a person that has much more time on their hands.... then I have... .... the thing is you get separated or divorced... you go through the grieving process... you go through the getting to know yourself again process... you establish a routine in your household with your kids. .. . then you start to realize.. something is missing...hmmm... oh yes female or male adult conversation... ... so you being out of the picture for a while... not sure how to start dating again....hmm.. I'll try one of those dating sites...lol.... you do and it's great.. you start learning how to have conversation... make small talk with the opposite sex.... you even rediscover your... confidence your sex appeal to the opposite sex.... ... the great part is the dating site isn't really taking up a lot of time. .. but then you meet someone online.. .. they live in your area... yippee... you think to yourself great..... then she says let's meet on Wednesday night...ohh.. I can't do Wednesdays.. my kids have swimming lessons at night.... okay how about Friday.. sure sounds great..ohhh.. nope can't do Friday sorry... my sons having a sleepover I forgot... I need to be home to supervise them.....ok.. how about saturday night.. Saturday night my kids and myself always have a movie night.... Sunday.. sunday is really busy for me I got house work and the kids have school the next day.... can you do Tuesday afternoon.. my kids are at school and I can get away from work for a couple hours... .. no I can't do Tuesday I work all day.. ...hmmm...hmm.. I'm just thinking where I can sneak some time away to see you....hmm..hmm... next Wednesday.. another parent friend of mine... said my boys can come over there after school for a playdate.... ..... so I am free between 5:30 and 6:30... does that work for you... hello are you still there... hello.. hello.. Ohh.. she hung up...lol.... it's all about the guilt man...lol . . . |
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Should I just wait till he's grown or not? He's already grown. At 18 people don't magically morph into a brand new creature called "adult." Ummmm...actually, they do...at least here in the United States, anyway. Barring emancipation, *magically* at 18 years of age, every *child* becomes responsible for their own actions, something they weren't at 17 years-and-364-days of age.  P.S. The OP has already deactivated, so all of this is moot, anyway. |
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^^.. oh great thanks.. I don't really like clicking on.. dudes profiles..
unless its accidentally.. Like jagbirds this morning..lol.. |
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I keep you guys in my left hand all the time..lol..
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Edited by
no1phD
on
Fri 11/21/14 09:38 AM
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at work it makes me look like I'm busy doing something..lmao...
. he O.. I was about to use my name there..lol.... PhD is always texting he such a productive person..lol.. .. and this is my guilt free dating social life.. it's easy to put you guys down when my boys want something.. .. not so easy to do on a real date.. unfortunately..lol |
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Ohh.. I forgot about this one.. the guilt you will feel for the person you are dating. .. you begin to feel horrible.. for them.. you keep telling them that they deserve better than what you can offer.them.. they should be with somebody that doesn't have.. the responsibility of children in their lifes.... I have deliberately crash and burn... .. so many meet and greets.... ... because I felt my date.. needs more . a person that has much more time on their hands.... then I have... .... the thing is you get separated or divorced... you go through the grieving process... you go through the getting to know yourself again process... you establish a routine in your household with your kids. .. . then you start to realize.. something is missing...hmmm... oh yes female or male adult conversation... ... so you being out of the picture for a while... not sure how to start dating again....hmm.. I'll try one of those dating sites...lol.... you do and it's great.. you start learning how to have conversation... make small talk with the opposite sex.... you even rediscover your... confidence your sex appeal to the opposite sex.... ... the great part is the dating site isn't really taking up a lot of time. .. but then you meet someone online.. .. they live in your area... yippee... you think to yourself great..... then she says let's meet on Wednesday night...ohh.. I can't do Wednesdays.. my kids have swimming lessons at night.... okay how about Friday.. sure sounds great..ohhh.. nope can't do Friday sorry... my sons having a sleepover I forgot... I need to be home to supervise them.....ok.. how about saturday night.. Saturday night my kids and myself always have a movie night.... Sunday.. sunday is really busy for me I got house work and the kids have school the next day.... can you do Tuesday afternoon.. my kids are at school and I can get away from work for a couple hours... .. no I can't do Tuesday I work all day.. ...hmmm...hmm.. I'm just thinking where I can sneak some time away to see you....hmm..hmm... next Wednesday.. another parent friend of mine... said my boys can come over there after school for a playdate.... ..... so I am free between 5:30 and 6:30... does that work for you... hello are you still there... hello.. hello.. Ohh.. she hung up...lol.... it's all about the guilt man...lol . . . hahahaha...Sounds about right D....But....Can you explain to me how an average of 44 posts per day doesn't take up much time?  ...Speed reader and very fast typist?....Hot damn, magic fingers to the rescue!
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^^.. oh great thanks.. I don't really like clicking on.. dudes profiles.. unless its accidentally.. Like jagbirds this morning..lol..  No comprende papi....
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...2..Mrld....
^^
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