This is what happening

I am communicating with this guy. He wants to meet and has express that he is keen but he contacts me late at night. Sometimes he doesn't contact for days then comes up with this excuse I have been busy. Tonight or should I say 1 in the morning I confronted him and asked him straight out. All he said was I am over tired, we will catch up tomorrow.

This is what I am thinking

1 he has a partner and wants a bit on the side. (as if that will ever happen)
2 a scammer playing games.

3 Maybe he is telling that truth and I should give him the benefit of doubt.

4 Could he be shy?

5 perhaps he wants a one night stands (yuck)

He doesn't talk much about himself so there is no information that can be a conversation piece. I'm like Huh? I think if someone interested in you wouldn't he want to talk to you?

Am I wasting my time?
Shall I kick him to the curb?
What would you do?

Hey ya annierooroo how you been ? Got yourself a bit of a interesting situation I see .My two centz for what itz worth trust your instincts kiwi girl they got you this far in life .

If the bloke doesn't tell you what is going on to keep him too busy, then kick him to the curb.

Howdy, Annie!!

I understand your points of possibilities, however this IS online dating. If he is too busy/tired for communication then he is obviously too busy/tired for dating or a relationship. No matter WHAT HIS EXCUSE IS.

Communicate with him if you want, but don't go the next step until he proves he wants to move forward.

My opinion is to move on.

Maybe he works the night shift or has children and does not feel comfortable until they are asleep but the fact that he does not revel these things to you I'm thinking he is just playing games.

He sounds controlling. Wanting things on his terms. Your gut is telling you something is off, or you wouldn't be posting this.


Too many nice guys out there too waste your time on what ifs. I think you've already answered your own questions.

Love ya girl!!!

Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate it.
My gut is saying these something not right here.

To many unanswered questions and after a month you would.
I have little information of who he is.
I don't know anything about him apart from the city he is in and rough idea what he does for a living. He has one sister and an older nephew.
When he can't be straight up with me then it's his loss.

I need someone that is going to communicate.

So the curb is the answer and next one.

Thanks guys Love you all

Probably.
I mean the majority of people on a dating website are simply not going to be compatible or work out with you.

"Wasting your time" means putting more effort into something than you will get in return.

What do you expect to get in return, really, from a dating website?
A date.

The marketing is you will find true love and compatibility.
The reality is you don't get anything from online dating...except the chance to meet someone, to date, to go on a date.
That's it.

So, no matter what you do, if you want to look at it rationally, you are wasting your time by sitting online talking to people.


You don't really kick anyone to the curb.
That implies you actually have power over him.
All you can do is stop talking to him.
That's your only power.
If you see discontinuing talking to someone or no longer maintaining impersonal contact with someone as empowering, then sure, "kick him to the curb."
But it should really tell you something that you do find empowerment, feeling you can "kick him to the curb," by simply stop talking to him.

It's a far different thing than living together, married, and you "kick him to the curb," by putting all his stuff outside, changing the locks, calling the police with a restraining order, threatening to tell people he beat you.
...That's really what "kicking someone to the curb" is, putting them out like trash from what they thought was their home.
In no way are you actually doing that here.
So, IMO, you should really figure out why that saying resonates enough with you that you like to use it.


I would not sit online and talk for a month.


That's the entire point of meeting and dating.
You don't really find out who someone is, and then date because you're all safe and secure in your absolute knowledge and want to reward yourself, you date to find out who someone is.
People desperate and delusional pretend to know who they meet online is who they are in person.
People that ultimately prey on the desperate and delusional (or are desperate and delusional themselves) tend to have no problem sitting online chatting with prospective dates/matches.

Hi Annie,
The way you describe.., I suppose girls do find themselves in such situations. Anyway in opposition to some of the well meant advice.., here's my suggestion.





So within a month you changed your mind? I would have suggested 3 months. After all he's having a predictable life why should he give it all up to a stranger? The questions he may be harboring are...

1. Are you right for him?
By this I mean, similar background, common interests (?); things you are passionate about that might interest him?

So check 1 - ok.

2. What about your fitness levels and size ratio?
By ratio I mean waistline. Men don't say it but this is the differentiation between friends and g.f.
Most ladies i knew were good cooks helping themselves a bit too often.

well, well, well..
just checked your profile & find you are a gym enthusiast.
so check 2 - ok.

3. What about money?
A survey (in a TV show in US) found that most couples quarrel over money.
check 3 - ok

4. What about temperament?
ok, you've a golden heart, but seems that it comes with some quick temper. That makes you the 'controlling type', not him(!)
check 4 - hmm.

So finally we come to "What would you do?"
2 clear oks.
It's 3 out of 4 then you may want to meet this 'stranger' and now safety is the concern..

send a mail stating you have some work in his city, suggest a b'fast meeting at Wendy's before you rush off to the job. It sends a subliminal message 'hey, the lady has her own life & it's not going to revolve around you'.

take a friend along.
why not?

Oops, I missed Ciretom's response.
solid points there.

& i missed the fact that Annie is a gym enthusiast.
that's a wow factor there.

Go to a massage parlour, and ask for a back massage, from a male and..... take it from there. Heh. I'm just being cheeky ;)

Thank you both for you advice.
Wow there's a lot more to this dating on line.

My expectation was yes to meet someone and date.

Hi Roo Roo,
IMHO that guy is playing you. So say, good riddance and move on.

OK what I have learned about on line dating is if the guy is legit and he is ever going to meet you in the real world he is contacting you after watching you for a while.

He may write and underwhelming first contact but it is not the usual 20 questions crap. If he actually makes a time to talk to you he will tell you his name and maybe even his last name before the end of the first conversation.

He is probably not going to tell you where he works or where he lives because he has dated enough to have a brain or two. But he might tell you if he has a dog and definitely if he has a kid.

He is going to tell you that you are pretty. Probably more than once. Doesn't matter if you believe it he does and he is still kind of shocked he actually found you but he will tell you that later. But you should be able to email something every day because he doesn't want to get bumped off your list.

And he will get across the idea how he is going to be able to see you. Even if it is not immediately. Probably going to ask you if he is wasting his time doing a long distance but he is already figuring out how he can shift gears to have you in his life.

He will give you a way to get ahold of him if he has to buy a cell phone to do it. Nine times out of ten he will give you his primary number and he will answer you ASAP if you call him.

Guys that are ready to get a partner; not a temporary player are single minded. They don't have to mess around about asking you to meet him somewhere. He will probably offer to feed you. Even if it is a movie date he will buy popcorn and a drink or your favorite candy because he wants you to see him as a person who will meet your needs and make you happy.

He might be kind of obtuse about some details but he can tell you what you wore the first time he lays on you a decade later. And he will remember every pixel of your lead shot.

Sorry the guy you are hoping is not flakey, sorry your instincts are good, is a creep.

You are a really nice person I wish I could have better news. Anybody deserves a great guy I think it would be you.

You're going about it the wrong way. You're trying to find out why he would do that. That's not really important, not the No1 question.
Question should be: What do you want?
You get in touch with a guy who shows interest, then he has behaviour that is inappropriate and ... you accept it. Don't!

When a guy does that, you have to state YOUR perimeters. A guy has to step up to the plate, your plate.

- You don't want to communicate at that time, you tell him, and you go offline. Don't contradict that statement by staying online or on the phone.
- DO give him an alternative. So tell him you're not available that late but I am available ... (state a day, time whatever suits you). Give him 2 options so he has something to choose that will fit his agenda. You don't argue about that with him if he says, "yeah but blablabla". Not your problem. He wants you, he's got to make the effort. If not, tough chit. YOU set the perimeters. If he wants you, he will. If not, you better off without him.
- Present that in a bit of a playful way, so you don't come across as an executive officer but as an attractive desirable woman who simply knows what she wants and who doesn't put up with BS. Serious men will step up.

If you start putting up with undesired behaviour now, think of where you'd end up if you'd get involved with him.

Don't start confronting him with his behaviour the way you are now. That'll make him feel like you're his mother or his controlling wife of 20 years. No one wants that feeling.
So don't come down on him like a ton of bricks, you simply state your perimeters.

If he doesn't contact you for days on end, you find other interests and also talk to other men. If possible, date other men. Make sure you don't make this guy your No1. Not even in your mind. Lower him on your "priority list". He's not N01, if he's nice, he could be No 10. And make sure you also HAVE a No 1-9 thing to do, which can be other men or activities. As soon as he steps up to the plate, he may go up on your priority list again. But not any sooner.

So summarized it's about what YOU want and what you are willing to accept from a man. What are your boundaries? Don't compromise them, certainly not this early on!
And you are doing just that, by trying to accommodate him with your "but what if he tells the truth?" Just NOT important. If he wants you, he'll make the effort. He should pursue you, not the other way round.
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WOW, Crystal!!! That was PERFECT!!

I agree with Crystal

you know what you would like from him

if he is unwilling or unable to give it

then you must accept the fact that he is not the one
and move on

you damn skippy right

if a man wants to get in contact with you
he will find a way

otherwise you are one that is too available, too needy and just waiting around for the phone to ring


there are some men that like the idea of a woman being at their beck and call

Thank you
I guess I have learnt a thing or two, lol