Many of us have proactively ended relationships that were painful or traumatic to us.

But have you ever decided to cut off long-term friendships, romantic ties or even family interactions that are not painful per say, but which feel stale or limiting to your growth or maximum happiness?

I seem to do this after every first date

I hate to say this, but that is actually a common thing. Whenever I move, thankfully not all that much anymore, the old friends will fade away replaced by new friends. I don't keep in touch with relatives outside of the immediate family. At least in our culture that is why there is family reunions and high school graduation reunions. It is hard to keep up with everybody. The hardest thing is moving from one Church to another Church. I really hate to leave a great Church. Every couple of years I will go on vacation back to my old hometown just to see old friends. It is really hard to make stale relationships work, and I don't fault friends that carry on with their lives as I do mine.

Yes indeed, a nineteen year old (1st) marriage, When we no longer found each other desirable she suggested that I should take a lover. Very accommodating but not really what I wanted. Call me 'old fashioned!'

We remain the best of friends but very rarely bump into each other as we live light years apart. And we have two amazing sons. So something good came of the venture.

Sometimes the end of a marriage is the end of a pleasant era but it's time to move on and grow.

*******

My second marriage (12 years this time) ended with a very amicable split with her wanting to move to London and me then needing to remain a country chap.

Again at least one of us had changed, and it was time for new horizons for us both.

********

I personally have never had any time for fighting or bitterness, likewise my two wives. Life's way too short for such immature nonsense.

Marriage can be very good, but that's not to say that it will always work for life and it is possibly naive to expect it to last that long when one is young.

IMO
I belive that that is how we mature as people. You have to get rid of relationships that are not progresive, mutually reciprocating. If not these relationships can put you in a place were your relationships are progressing, but with this one individual, you have to maintain a version of yourself that no longer exists.

my father was an alcoholic and died from liver failure

my brother is following in his footsteps

I have had to break contact from him and walk away for my own sanity

TMommy,

So sorry to hear that.

I had to stop speaking to my father for six full years (even though living under the same roof) in order to side step his violence. My sister later followed suit for a lesser period.

As much as we love people self-protection must always come first.

On that score psychological self protection is equally important to physical self protection.

It usually makes us feel bad, and guilty too, but we owe it to no-one to suffer abuse.

Everyone - stay strong!

I don't have any sense of affinity with the words you chose to express this.

Dump people I genuinely cared about, because the relationship is "stale?"

People are not pieces of fruit. My sensibilities say that if someone is "stale," or is "limiting your maximum happiness," then you never actually thought of them as more than paid service personnel to begin with.

I value people more than that, when they and I have an actual relationship.

And discarding family because they aren't convenient is an anathema to me.

someone has to really be purposely annoying, or cutting me down in a surgical way to effectively do the most harm to me.... my mother did this time and time again, many years ago before I just left, without a word. yes, I forgave her even before she does this and told her so, many times before I left, but I will not put up with that kind of negative energy... I have patience and strength, and will listen to others fairly, and will not judge, but will never endure bull-Shyte of any kind, ever again. walking away is a good policy to those who just don't get it.

If it ended after it became "painful or traumatic" then it's not really "proactively"...is it?

"Proactively" would be more like "many of us have proactively ended relationships that we knew, felt, or feared were going to become painful or traumatic."


I don't know what you mean by "cut off."

Are you simply asking "have you ever become estranged from friends, partners, or family members? Just stopped keeping in contact?"
Then yes, sure.

Are you asking "did you go through a dramatic production of breaking up with someone (friends, family, or romantic partner) citing the specific reason(s) as they were limiting to your growth, keeping you from your maximum happiness, and/or because the relationship grew stale?"

Then I'd say I've never broken up with anyone for the specific reasons of me thinking they were limiting to my growth, or interfering with my maximum happiness.

I have amicably and calmly with great equanimity (not having to "cut" them "off" like soup nazi) broken up with "long term" (which is a highly subjective idea) romantic partners due to a relationship becoming "stale."
"Stale" meaning we really had nothing in common outside of attraction or ambition and it finally became too evident and important.
The relationship got in the way of enjoying life since neither did, ever could, or ever would enjoy what the other truly found purpose, fulfillment, importance, and joy in doing.



Are you asking "have you ever kinda drifted away, grown apart or estranged, from someone, or even specifically told them to f off, because you knew the relationship wasn't a positive in your life, but they kept hounding you to try and continue a relationship, so you had to cut them off with prejudice, be mean and/or obvious in rejecting or ignoring them until they went away?"

Then, yes, I've done that with some ex's that wouldn't accept a breakup.
But never had to do that with friends or family.

Only one time I did this, my best friend married a woman who wanted to eliminate people from his past she is a very possessive person, so I signed off on all contact but kept his private email and contact him through there from time to time.It kinda hurt but I do not want to cause any trouble.The other relationships with friends and family that went stale I tried to figure out a way to regenerate things because without friends and family who really are we?

Well at least it's not painful for you Searchin

I could see how the moving culture can lead to alot of relationships growing apart.

Thanks cracker :)

Well for lengthy relationships such as your , I would imagine that significant effort was invested to prserve the unions for as long as your exes and you were able to manage. I have nothing but respect for that Wackford

Yes, I have, although it isn't the easiest thing in the world to do.
My last relationship, I knew very early on it wasn't really right. Yet I stayed 10-11 years, in spite of a lot of abuse.

Family isn't easy either, as those are blood ties. Years ago I fell out with my mom, lasted for over a year, till I ended up in hospital and told my ex to contact my mother.
Went through more difficult times with my mom and I ended up telling her I would sever the ties if she wouldn't stop her behaviour.

But can you ever really sever such a tie? I don't think so. With a partner you can, friends too, but family ... Even when you aren't in touch, you are still related, whether you like it or not.
Cutting (energetic) chords with a (close) family member is quite difficult, if not impossible.

What you are saying makes so much sense Rob, but i struggle with it.

If a friend has been loyal and kind to me for years, even if the friendship is no longer uplifting, my gratitude to them and loyalty makes it hard for me to let go unless they show signs of wanting to let go themselves. With friends of a year or a couple of years , its not so hard for me , but once that friendship sprouts deep roots of loyalty like 4 years and over... Man! Letting go is tough!

I actually felt a pain in my chest when you said that Tmom

The journey for you to have reached that point of separation from your bro must have been gut-wrenching.

I totally understand why you did what you did.

I hope things turn around for him one day soon

four times...out of the goodness of our hearts..out of respect and love for me..over the course of my 20 year marriage

my now ex husband and I took my brother in
when he lost a job, when his wife kicked him out, when he needed somewhere to go to get back on his feet..when he fell behind on his bills, when his health was in bad shape


I give my ex credit for this one and for putting up with it for my sake..
as I said it was with good intentions, to help him to get back on his feet

but it was ENABLING his behavior to continue as long as he knew his loving sister would always be his safety net

our parents are both deceased and I had some kind of family obligation thing going on in my head for a long time..thinking it was my job to save him

thinking I was indeed my brother's keeper

The relationship that Tmom , you and a couple of others have described here are toxic and damaging relationship. Anyone who sabotages your sanity or your physical safety has to be released and ostrasized. I dont think there is any other way around that and you and Tmom were wise to do what you did.

Hmmmmmm... Perhaps Peggy, it's a question of semantics? I might have used the term, "take time-off-from" or "disappear from for an [undisclosed] amount of time" as opposed to, "Cutting Off All Connection". In that context, my the answer would be a resounding, "Yes!". The term, "Cutting-Off" to me is reserved for those who have breached trust, are deceptive , or have betrayed me. In essence if I have decided to "Cut" someone out of my life; chances are that they were the ones who had to have handed me the scissors.