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| Topic: Accepting Your Mate's Shortcomings & How To Cope | |
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Im actually not sure how to phrase this question , so please bear with me if I am not clear enough.  Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? I know there are detrimental things that are almost impossible to cope with in the longterm eg emotional or physical abuse, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, poor money management, or unhealthy vices eg drug abuse, gambling, etc . I am NOT referring to those things. I am asking if you have the capacity to accept/tolerate less chronic but still challenging conditions like your mate being a workaholic, or someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful, or someone who doesnt help around the house, or someone who is excessively messy/disorganised, or someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires, or who shuts down or gets reclusive during stress or conflict etc , who is cheap or who participates but who shows no initiative, or even someone who doesnt make the effort you would like in looking their best. Can you accept any of those kinds of shortcomings in your mate if they never changed? If you can accept it, how do you cope with it? And I know this is a weird question, but if you can't tolerate any of the above conditions, what shortcomings can you tolerate or accept? Very simple. What I have learned in my life is that we can't change anybody. The only way for me is to accept, respect and love my partner just the way he is with no any expectations for change. So you feel that you can accept one or more of the flaws I offered in the example sip sik? Yes, I can, because qualities I love in him are so powerful, desirable and unique that I can accept that he is not ideal and never will be. I love him for who he is. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 03/30/17 03:04 PM
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Flaws eh? Well, I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect? It's hard to cope with someones shortcomings if they don't acknowledge them IMO. I've learned that treating someone the way I'd like to be treated has its long term limits. I prefer to treat my S.O. the way SHE likes to be treated. Why wouldn't I? If she approached me with a certain something that bothered her, I'd do whatever it took to change my behaviour. Easy. My most notable flaw is the indecisiveness being Libra and all... There's just no working around it, I could understand her frustration over it. In certain circumstances, I'd appreciate her taking the initiative ball and running with it to save me lol but most of the time I need time and space to make my choice(s). When the need arises, I just remind her, I'm not built that way. I dont think the OP said anything about not a person not acknowledging his flaw John. It talks about refusing to work on a flaw. In one of my posts , I mentioned one of my friends ,who after years of arguing over the in law issue,decided to accept that flaw about her mate because she loved his other attributes too much to let him go....Just like I imagine your mate accepts your flaw of indecision because she takes your other attributes into consideration and you possibly accept some major flaw of hers because of her other attributes that fulfil you insome way. Ps : you talked about attempting to change any behavior that your mate had a problem with, but some people try and fail and some because they dont see their flaw as a major issue dont even try to change. And that's where the judgment call comes into play taking all things into consideration I read that Peggy... I didn't approach it because I don't think your friends husbands issue is a flaw... It's been talked about between them, argued over and still he continues to make her feel this way? That's not a flaw, he is not acknowledging her feelings and doesn't see his behaviour as abnormal, so it continues and she accepts it this way. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to listen to his reasons or reasoning in not changing his behaviour in regards to his parents and her. I can only see fear as his obstacle, he fears the negative reaction of his own parents more than the fear of losing her is what I'm getting from it. Basically, if you choose to not work on your "flaw", it is a conscious decision to continue the aggravating effect on your partner. What could possibly be his reasons for doing so if he loves her? It could be fear of his parents possibly. Fear of not getting their approval. That might be baggage from his childhood. But I was wondering the following:- Is someone's love for you only defined by one behavior in every situation? Or are their overall consistent actions in other areas, worthy of consideration as well? After arguing for 15 or 16 years over an issue, are the reasons for a person's lack of change that relevant in the grand scheme of things? Or does the decision to weigh the bad against the good more relevant to the big picture , as well as what ciretom said about compatibility in offsetting each other's weaknesses, and what sitka said about assessing if your core values or entire self worth is being sabotaged |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 03/30/17 03:25 PM
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Im actually not sure how to phrase this question , so please bear with me if I am not clear enough. Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? I know there are detrimental things that are almost impossible to cope with in the longterm eg emotional or physical abuse, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, poor money management, or unhealthy vices eg drug abuse, gambling, etc . I am NOT referring to those things. I am asking if you have the capacity to accept/tolerate less chronic but still challenging conditions like your mate being a workaholic, or someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful, or someone who doesnt help around the house, or someone who is excessively messy/disorganised, or someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires, or who shuts down or gets reclusive during stress or conflict etc , who is cheap or who participates but who shows no initiative, or even someone who doesnt make the effort you would like in looking their best. Can you accept any of those kinds of shortcomings in your mate if they never changed? If you can accept it, how do you cope with it? And I know this is a weird question, but if you can't tolerate any of the above conditions, what shortcomings can you tolerate or accept? Very simple. What I have learned in my life is that we can't change anybody. The only way for me is to accept, respect and love my partner just the way he is with no any expectations for change. So you feel that you can accept one or more of the flaws I offered in the example sip sik? Yes, I can, because qualities I love in him are so powerful, desirable and unique that I can accept that he is not ideal and never will be. I love him for who he is. I guess you think like my friend then. She's been my friend for the last 25 years, And Ive been on the sidelines kinda cheering her and her husband on. Her and your way of thinking is a very rare, but I wanted to put it out there, that there was more than one way of viewing this matter. Thank you sipsik :) |
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Depends
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Depends
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You're asking if I would feel chitty over and over on the same subject but everything else is hunky dory in the relationship... would I put it aside and be thankful for the positive stuff?
Not likely, I don't like to feel chitty personally
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 03/30/17 03:43 PM
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You're asking if I would feel chitty over and over on the same subject but everything else is hunky dory in the relationship... would I put it aside and be thankful for the positive stuff? Not likely, I don't like to feel chitty personally I totally respect that John. No one can dictate for a person what they can or can not tolerate |
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Just the word..."shortcomings" ...
is enough to make it shrivel up and crawl back inside. 
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Just the word..."shortcomings" ... is enough to make it shrivel up and crawl back inside. ...and we wouldnt want that Max, so lets just call em flaws instead
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Just the word..."shortcomings" ... is enough to make it shrivel up and crawl back inside. ...and we wouldnt want that Max, so lets just call em flaws instead Okay...I think I can handle that one. 
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Just the word..."shortcomings" ... is enough to make it shrivel up and crawl back inside. ...and we wouldnt want that Max, so lets just call em flaws instead Okay...I think I can handle that one. :) |
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Well, Here's my take on it. There are some things I will not put up with out of anyone. A constant liar, cheater, constant hard-headedness to the point of always gotta have your way. Trying to use sex as a tool to get your way. I think all of us guys have been there at one time or the other. There are a few other things. But you get the idea.
I'm usually pretty good accepting a person right where they are in life. I tend to look at who you are and what you are inside. In your heart. That's what really matters. If I can see where your heart is, I can and will accept your quirks. We all have quirks and shortcomings. But, for me, if you treat me right. You're always good to me. And you put me first, the same as I do you, you can be as quirky as you want to be. I'll accept you and your shortcomings. Because it's obvious you accept me. And I have a bunch of them. |
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Well, Here's my take on it. There are some things I will not put up with out of anyone. A constant liar, cheater, constant hard-headedness to the point of always gotta have your way. Trying to use sex as a tool to get your way. I think all of us guys have been there at one time or the other. There are a few other things. But you get the idea. I'm usually pretty good accepting a person right where they are in life. I tend to look at who you are and what you are inside. In your heart. That's what really matters. If I can see where your heart is, I can and will accept your quirks. We all have quirks and shortcomings. But, for me, if you treat me right. You're always good to me. And you put me first, the same as I do you, you can be as quirky as you want to be. I'll accept you and your shortcomings. Because it's obvious you accept me. And I have a bunch of them. Then you sound like sipsik and the friend I mentioned in my earlier posts Charles. You look at the entire picture instead of just one part :) |
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If it's just one or two of those things that's tolerable. But you just described one person in my mind. The busy half there husband who isn't in love with you anymore but is either too lazy to move on or too proud to admit they made a mistake in marrying you for any number of reasons. Those are the guys who just don't like being alone so putting up with a little hitching while halfassing everything they do is sort of their mo. At least that's been my experience. Most people don't have just one or two things that they refuse to work on. But don't listen to me. I'm single cause I won't put up with anything you described anymore :) Oh definitely singjlb. I know men like that the one you describe. I wouldnt advise anyone to accept a person like that, but to each , his own. Welcome to the forum singjlb 
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Shortcomings? Are you talking "piccolo"? Thats a original euphemism Mototown 
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No one mentioned ones integrity. But you did :) Would you like to elaborate in the context of the discussion Integrityfirst? |
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I think it depends on the flaw. If it is a small flaw.. everyone has them, but if he doesn't stand up for you against anyone.. family or not, then I feel that a character flaw that would be hard to overcome. personal flaws are one thing, character flaws.. another. I have a friend greeneyes who has been married for 16 years , and her husband repeatedly didnt stand up for her with the inlaws, and after years of arguing about it, she decided she would accept that one major flaw about him , since it want changing and she loved too many other things about him to leave him. I suppose to each his own. But in my mind when you marry a woman SHE is at the "top" of your totem pole.. nobody else. I remember a few times when my wife was not right.. she was wrong. but I defended her in public or to my family. and we then had a conversation.. or heated conversation about it...in private... as husband and wife. And vice a versa... and she defended me, when I was wrong. A few times I would apologize to whomever, after my wife discussed it with me.. same for her. But we always stood up for each other. Maybe other folks would see that as a minor flaw.. but I would have trouble with that, especially if it was a reoccurring issue. |
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For Tomforuhere ... I agree that the issue of incompatability might be the bigger problem at hand here peggy122, its been a few days and I'm not ignoring your topic I just have nothing helpful to add. The few dates I have had since I actually had a mate dissolved because of the incompatabilities I couldn't or wouldn't accept in my life. I never asked them to change for me. I acknowledged them for who they were and rejected them. I am still friends with all but not in that special way. |
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I think it depends on the flaw. If it is a small flaw.. everyone has them, but if he doesn't stand up for you against anyone.. family or not, then I feel that a character flaw that would be hard to overcome. personal flaws are one thing, character flaws.. another. I have a friend greeneyes who has been married for 16 years , and her husband repeatedly didnt stand up for her with the inlaws, and after years of arguing about it, she decided she would accept that one major flaw about him , since it want changing and she loved too many other things about him to leave him. I suppose to each his own. But in my mind when you marry a woman SHE is at the "top" of your totem pole.. nobody else. I remember a few times when my wife was not right.. she was wrong. but I defended her in public or to my family. and we then had a conversation.. or heated conversation about it...in private... as husband and wife. And vice a versa... and she defended me, when I was wrong. A few times I would apologize to whomever, after my wife discussed it with me.. same for her. But we always stood up for each other. Maybe other folks would see that as a minor flaw.. but I would have trouble with that, especially if it was a reoccurring issue. My friend and her husband have argued repeatedly, but there hasn't been a day in the marriage that she has felt unloved. If it were me, I would probably adopt a coping mechanism of not having any contact with my in-laws unless I absolutely had to. I wouldnt even choose a mate at this point of my life, who I didn't deem worthy of certain compromises and sacrifices Everyone has their list of priorities and non negotiables. As you rightfully said, to each his own :) |
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It depends upon the relationship. If we are only dating or boyfriend/girlfriend type of thing, than its a bad sign IF they are not willing to make compromises. I am at a point where I have been along long enough that Im not eager to just settle.
If we have already committed in marriage, than 'better or worse' has to mean something, unless it is a situation where the life or health of myself or loved ones are in danger. |
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