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| Topic: Accepting Your Mate's Shortcomings & How To Cope | |
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^^^^^^^^^
This. |
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My best friend and i actually had a similar discussion. After almost ten years of marriage she is seeing many flaes in her partner. I asked her of these were there when they met. She said yes but she thought they would change. So my first comment is this, if you go into a relationship expecting toeffect change in someone or even to help them change, you're doomed from the start. You aren't accepting the person as they are. Another thing is that's what dating is for. To get to knw a person and see how your interests ideas and values blend. There is also what you accustom them to. When you have someone who is used to helping and you tell them not to, it easily becomes a pattern. Or if you are picky about how things get done and your partner stops trying. I'm going to say I'm guilty of that. For example if I'm cooking and someone tells me I'm not doing it right, i might ask oh you have a problem with tha? Or you think you can do it better? If they say yes, i step aside and say be my guest. I have bern known to go sit doen and watch tv leaving a perplexed person wondering what to do with what's half done. Many times it does take communication to understand where the person is coming from. My friend was irritated because her husband isn't responsible about paying the bills on time. He gives her his paycheck but doesn't take the initiative to actually pay the bills. I asked her if he grew up in a home similar to my mom and dads. She asked what i mean. I told her my dad and mom both worked but he would just give her the money to follow their budget. She knew what was needed for groceries, bills etc. My friend said that's how it used to be with her parents and her husbands parents. When she understood some of the ideas it helped with things. The last question i asked her, is he a different man now than the one you fell in love with? Has he lost that something special that made you fall in love? Hi dreamerana I agree that you need to make better use of the dating period for determining compatability , but how can you predict what your tolerance level will be after many years , or what the person might evolve into over many years? Thats the weird thing about marriage . When you commit to love a person for life , you usually end up committing to the present incarnation of that person with your present coping capacity for their flaws. But I agree with you that when when you are struggling with a partners shortcomings and they are also struggling with you, then an understanding of a person's past and influences, may help you to look at their behavior with less resentment. I could see that as one coping mechanism with someone's faults,if you make the decision to accept their shortcomings . |
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I think communication would be key in the above situations.. If they are a poor communicator, it would behoove you to try to get them to communicate by addressing that issue along with the others. I have found that if you talk and express YOUR feelings and desires and ask questions about THEIRs, they may open up as long as they don't feel threatened or ashamed.. Continuing on and saying nothing doesn't change things for the better..it creates animosity.. disrespectful inlaws? I would verbally express my displeasure at not being stood up for, that's for sure... A spouse should 'have your back'. disorganized and no help? I guess I'm a nag, as I'm not his mother..more expressing my displeasure.. so, after communicating and expressing my thoughts and displeasure I'd be wondering what he'd be going to do to change his demeanour... if nothing changed, I'd probably say 'adios'.. Who needs crap like that? I mean, we all have our shortcomings, but we work on them don't we? I myself think that communication is crucial Rusty kitty. I cant imagine feeling tramatised by a person's shortcomings and not saying something about it, and the challenge is that even if you tel; your partner your needs , they genuinely may not consider their shortcoming to be with a flaw.a workaholic for example may think he is being an excellent provider because of the very thing that you deem a flaw. And what about the shortcomings they have to put up with when it comes to US. Is there any room for mutual acceptance of one or more shortcomings for both people? |
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I think it depends on the flaw. If it is a small flaw.. everyone has them, but if he doesn't stand up for you against anyone.. family or not, then I feel that a character flaw that would be hard to overcome. personal flaws are one thing, character flaws.. another. I have a friend greeneyes who has been married for 16 years , and her husband repeatedly didnt stand up for her with the inlaws, and after years of arguing about it, she decided she would accept that one major flaw about him , since it want changing and she loved too many other things about him to leave him. |
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If I understand what you're asking, the answer is that to me, it isn't a matter of coping with such differences. It's a matter of changing your own mind, so that they don't matter any more. Not a simple thing to do. You list several concerns that I can easily understand can arise, since I've either seen or been one of them at one time or another. The thing that makes it a little tricky to answer you, is that a significant part of this conundrum, hinges on viewpoint. Take the "doesn't stand up for you when in-laws are disrespectful," for example. I've witnessed a number of instances where the exact notion of someone being 'disrespectful' was debatable. Some people choose to see cultural differences, or familial habits, as acts of 'disrespect' to them, when what I think is, that the person who is taking issue just doesn't like that sort of behavior, whatever it is. I actually dealt with some people, who's families were like royals, in that they had a set of specific behaviors a visitor was required to exhibit, in order to be considered tolerable. And I'm not talking about things like don't spit on the table, I'm talking about things like formally greet the head of the household with an honorific. That kind of royal-like stuff. I came from a peasant-class household, and we just don't do that. We show respect in different ways. If someone were to insist that I had to treat someone else's family as though they were my social superiors, in order to have them agree that I was being respectful, I would not be acquainted with them for very long. Another angle on this: the idea of unspoken contracts. Unless the other person specifically said that they WOULD work on adjusting to fit my style of living, holding them to my personal expectations wouldn't be fair or even rational. Bottom line, though, overall, if two people are different enough in what they want from each other that one of them has to make THAT much of an effort to alter their most common behaviors, that just means the people are incompatible. The fact that they make you hot to trot just looking or thinking about them is meaningless. Your desire for them, and even theirs for you, doesn't make it either person's responsibility to become someone else. ^^^ Makes just too much sense ^^^ Can't really come up with a better answer but I'll think on it and if I come up with something additional I will add... For Tomforuhere ... I agree that the issue of incompatability might be the bigger problem at hand here |
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I think it depends on the flaw. If it is a small flaw.. everyone has them, but if he doesn't stand up for you against anyone.. family or not, then I feel that a character flaw that would be hard to overcome. personal flaws are one thing, character flaws.. another. I have a friend greeneyes who has been married for 16 years , and her husband repeatedly didnt stand up for her with the inlaws, and after years of arguing about it, she decided she would accept that one major flaw about him , since it want changing and she loved too many other things about him to leave him. mmmm could have easily gone the other way also things that bother you in the beginning may snowball over time |
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I think it depends on the flaw. If it is a small flaw.. everyone has them, but if he doesn't stand up for you against anyone.. family or not, then I feel that a character flaw that would be hard to overcome. personal flaws are one thing, character flaws.. another. I have a friend greeneyes who has been married for 16 years , and her husband repeatedly didnt stand up for her with the inlaws, and after years of arguing about it, she decided she would accept that one major flaw about him , since it want changing and she loved too many other things about him to leave him. mmmm could have easily gone the other way also things that bother you in the beginning may snowball over time thats what I was saying earlier tmom .Dreamerama was explaining that we should make better use of the dating period for determining compatability , but how can you predict what your tolerance level will be after many years , or what the person might evolve into over many years? You just have to end up making judgment call, if your tolerance for old flaws wanes, or if the person evolves overtime into someone you dont quite relate to |
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that whole 'not defending the woman you love with in-laws'
would depend on what he is defending but if it is something like she wants to stay home with kids or she wants to finish her degree or she has right to her own opinion then by all means he should stand beside her and back her up shows weakness not to ( in my opinion) means he has not truly made the division between the family that raised him and the family he chose to create with this union |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 03/30/17 12:52 PM
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that whole 'not defending the woman you love with in-laws' would depend on what he is defending but if it is something like she wants to stay home with kids or she wants to finish her degree or she has right to her own opinion then by all means he should stand beside her and back her up shows weakness not to ( in my opinion) means he has not truly made the division between the family that raised him and the family he chose to create with this union I agree that what you described is a huge flaw to accept, but what I am saying is that my friend thought she couldnt accept a mate with that flaw until she developed a debilitating illness, and saw this same mate who has many attributes , take care of her in the most touching way, which when she thought about it, was the way he had always taken care of her, but the in-law thing was his major flaw. She chose to accept him as a total package with mostly good, but some bad as well Im not sayng that everyone should accept that flaw or any of the other flaws I mentioned in their mate. Im just sharing her unique outlook, and a different perspective Oh. And I forgot to mention. she had flaws that we difficult for him too so it ended up being a mutual acceptand of each other's flaws, but isnt that the best of what a relationship is aboutmutually loving the total package in each other? |
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Edited by
JOHNN111
on
Thu 03/30/17 01:40 PM
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Flaws eh? Well, I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect?
It's hard to cope with someones shortcomings if they don't acknowledge them IMO. I've learned that treating someone the way I'd like to be treated has its long term limits. I prefer to treat my S.O. the way SHE likes to be treated. Why wouldn't I? If she approached me with a certain something that bothered her, I'd do whatever it took to change my behaviour. Easy. My most notable flaw is the indecisiveness being Libra and all... There's just no working around it, I could understand her frustration over it. In certain circumstances, I'd appreciate her taking the initiative ball and running with it to save me lol but most of the time I need time and space to make my choice(s). When the need arises, I just remind her, I'm not built that way. |
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Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? No farther than I am able to "step up" to offset them. I mean, for example: someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful if their shortcoming is something like not sticking up for me with their parents, then I would have to stick up for myself. If I'm not willing to stick up for myself, and they're not willing to stick up for me, then more than likely it's going to lead to me not "accepting" them/their shortcoming and a failure of the relationship. IMO that's more relevant. Their shortcomings are their shortcomings. Am I capable of offsetting their shortcomings with my strengths? "Relationships are a two way street." It's not just about them working on their shortcomings or not. A component is also compatibility in offsetting weakness with strengths. You made an excellent point that I hadnt thought about at all ciretom. I had forgotten that if one person is weak in one area, then the ability or willingness of the other person to compensate for that weakness , could make or break the success of that relationship. Or maybe the compensation for weakness might not apply alone to one person stepping up for the other person's weakness, but it might be that your mate compensates for his major weakness by having other strengths and attributes that you deem fundamental to your overall fulfilment. So you are right, acceptance is only part of the issue to consider in this matter. It goes a lot deeper. Very profound Ciretom 
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Im actually not sure how to phrase this question , so please bear with me if I am not clear enough. Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? I know there are detrimental things that are almost impossible to cope with in the longterm eg emotional or physical abuse, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, poor money management, or unhealthy vices eg drug abuse, gambling, etc . I am NOT referring to those things. I am asking if you have the capacity to accept/tolerate less chronic but still challenging conditions like your mate being a workaholic, or someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful, or someone who doesnt help around the house, or someone who is excessively messy/disorganised, or someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires, or who shuts down or gets reclusive during stress or conflict etc , who is cheap or who participates but who shows no initiative, or even someone who doesnt make the effort you would like in looking their best. Can you accept any of those kinds of shortcomings in your mate if they never changed? If you can accept it, how do you cope with it? And I know this is a weird question, but if you can't tolerate any of the above conditions, what shortcomings can you tolerate or accept? well some of those kinds of short comings ...I will not put up with ... and if I learned one thing about relationships you can not change them ...you can only change yourself ... and believe me that is when it becomes interesting ... you will live a split life together ... if you don't move on first ... |
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Im actually not sure how to phrase this question , so please bear with me if I am not clear enough. Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? I know there are detrimental things that are almost impossible to cope with in the longterm eg emotional or physical abuse, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, poor money management, or unhealthy vices eg drug abuse, gambling, etc . I am NOT referring to those things. I am asking if you have the capacity to accept/tolerate less chronic but still challenging conditions like your mate being a workaholic, or someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful, or someone who doesnt help around the house, or someone who is excessively messy/disorganised, or someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires, or who shuts down or gets reclusive during stress or conflict etc , who is cheap or who participates but who shows no initiative, or even someone who doesnt make the effort you would like in looking their best. Can you accept any of those kinds of shortcomings in your mate if they never changed? If you can accept it, how do you cope with it? And I know this is a weird question, but if you can't tolerate any of the above conditions, what shortcomings can you tolerate or accept? Very simple. What I have learned in my life is that we can't change anybody. The only way for me is to accept, respect and love my partner just the way he is with no any expectations for change. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 03/30/17 02:43 PM
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Flaws eh? Well, I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect? It's hard to cope with someones shortcomings if they don't acknowledge them IMO. I've learned that treating someone the way I'd like to be treated has its long term limits. I prefer to treat my S.O. the way SHE likes to be treated. Why wouldn't I? If she approached me with a certain something that bothered her, I'd do whatever it took to change my behaviour. Easy. My most notable flaw is the indecisiveness being Libra and all... There's just no working around it, I could understand her frustration over it. In certain circumstances, I'd appreciate her taking the initiative ball and running with it to save me lol but most of the time I need time and space to make my choice(s). When the need arises, I just remind her, I'm not built that way. This response is for John and Tmom , as both of you raised a similar theme of working on oneself. I dont think the OP said anything about not a person not acknowledging his flaw John. It talks about refusing to work on a flaw. In one of my posts , I mentioned one of my friends ,who after years of arguing over the in law issue,decided to accept that flaw about her mate because she loved his other attributes too much to let him go....Just like I imagine your mate accepts your flaw of indecision because she takes your other attributes into consideration and you possibly accept some major flaw of hers because of her other attributes that fulfil you insome way. Ps : Both you and Tmom alluded to about attempting to work on your weakness or parts of you that negatively impacted your mate., but some people try and fail, and some because they dont see their flaw as a major issue dont even try to change. And that's where the judgment call comes into play taking all things into consideration |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 03/30/17 02:25 PM
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Im actually not sure how to phrase this question , so please bear with me if I am not clear enough. Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? I know there are detrimental things that are almost impossible to cope with in the longterm eg emotional or physical abuse, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, poor money management, or unhealthy vices eg drug abuse, gambling, etc . I am NOT referring to those things. I am asking if you have the capacity to accept/tolerate less chronic but still challenging conditions like your mate being a workaholic, or someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful, or someone who doesnt help around the house, or someone who is excessively messy/disorganised, or someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires, or who shuts down or gets reclusive during stress or conflict etc , who is cheap or who participates but who shows no initiative, or even someone who doesnt make the effort you would like in looking their best. Can you accept any of those kinds of shortcomings in your mate if they never changed? If you can accept it, how do you cope with it? And I know this is a weird question, but if you can't tolerate any of the above conditions, what shortcomings can you tolerate or accept? well some of those kinds of short comings ...I will not put up with ... and if I learned one thing about relationships you can not change them ...you can only change yourself ... and believe me that is when it becomes interesting ... you will live a split life together ... if you don't move on first ... But that's what Im trying to explain in my later posts on this thread mystical. It is not always a foregone conclusion that if a person is struggling to accept a major flaw that the couple wll live a split life. There really are cases when one or both parties decide, (not as victims of each other) , but as empowered partners that they will accept each other's major flaw because , overall, their good outweighs the bad. Now Igor and ciretom brought up a very valid point about compatibility , and in some cases the flaw in question overshadows all the other attributes, makes one or both people too unhappy on a daily basis to continue on, and a judgment call would have to be made at that point |
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Im actually not sure how to phrase this question , so please bear with me if I am not clear enough. Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? I know there are detrimental things that are almost impossible to cope with in the longterm eg emotional or physical abuse, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, poor money management, or unhealthy vices eg drug abuse, gambling, etc . I am NOT referring to those things. I am asking if you have the capacity to accept/tolerate less chronic but still challenging conditions like your mate being a workaholic, or someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful, or someone who doesnt help around the house, or someone who is excessively messy/disorganised, or someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires, or who shuts down or gets reclusive during stress or conflict etc , who is cheap or who participates but who shows no initiative, or even someone who doesnt make the effort you would like in looking their best. Can you accept any of those kinds of shortcomings in your mate if they never changed? If you can accept it, how do you cope with it? And I know this is a weird question, but if you can't tolerate any of the above conditions, what shortcomings can you tolerate or accept? Very simple. What I have learned in my life is that we can't change anybody. The only way for me is to accept, respect and love my partner just the way he is with no any expectations for change. So you feel that you can accept one or more of the flaws I offered in the example sip sik? |
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I think it depends on the flaw. If it is a small flaw.. everyone has them, but if he doesn't stand up for you against anyone.. family or not, then I feel that a character flaw that would be hard to overcome. personal flaws are one thing, character flaws.. another. This is me to a tee, I know personality flaws and character flaws can one and the same for some. I have some things that are so deeply grained in me that they won't change. Respect. Loyalty Honour, Improving oneself Communication. Trust Honesty Ethics If those type of things are lacking then there would be no issue they wouldn't be a S/O of anytype, friends sure on the outer circle not inner. Other things life messiness no problem I am kind of a neat freak and I actually enjoy keeping the home. No one is perfect so if he is accepting of some of my weird habits as I am his. We are golden So you are basically willing to accept any flaw that doesnt compromise your values or self worth if I understand you correctly Sitka? That sounds like a good guage as well in terms of determining acceptance. 
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I'm not in any kind of relationship at the moment, but to share an example I had recently. I was dating someone near the end of last year, 2016. We would decide to meet somewhere, he could pick the time. I am a really punctual person. I'm always on time and never like to keep anyone waiting. This person is always late. I decided that I'll be ok with it. As I get older, I'm good with it. I find more things I'll accept with people I know. Do you think that you would be able to accept any of the flaws that I mentioned above Cantinidaho, in as much as you mentioned your capacity to accept tardiness as you mature? ? |
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Flaws eh? Well, I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect? It's hard to cope with someones shortcomings if they don't acknowledge them IMO. I've learned that treating someone the way I'd like to be treated has its long term limits. I prefer to treat my S.O. the way SHE likes to be treated. Why wouldn't I? If she approached me with a certain something that bothered her, I'd do whatever it took to change my behaviour. Easy. My most notable flaw is the indecisiveness being Libra and all... There's just no working around it, I could understand her frustration over it. In certain circumstances, I'd appreciate her taking the initiative ball and running with it to save me lol but most of the time I need time and space to make my choice(s). When the need arises, I just remind her, I'm not built that way. I dont think the OP said anything about not a person not acknowledging his flaw John. It talks about refusing to work on a flaw. In one of my posts , I mentioned one of my friends ,who after years of arguing over the in law issue,decided to accept that flaw about her mate because she loved his other attributes too much to let him go....Just like I imagine your mate accepts your flaw of indecision because she takes your other attributes into consideration and you possibly accept some major flaw of hers because of her other attributes that fulfil you insome way. Ps : you talked about attempting to change any behavior that your mate had a problem with, but some people try and fail and some because they dont see their flaw as a major issue dont even try to change. And that's where the judgment call comes into play taking all things into consideration I read that Peggy... I didn't approach it because I don't think your friends husbands issue is a flaw... It's been talked about between them, argued over and still he continues to make her feel this way? That's not a flaw, he is not acknowledging her feelings and doesn't see his behaviour as abnormal, so it continues and she accepts it this way. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to listen to his reasons or reasoning in not changing his behaviour in regards to his parents and her. I can only see fear as his obstacle, he fears the negative reaction of his own parents more than the fear of losing her is what I'm getting from it. Basically, if you choose to not work on your "flaw", it is a conscious decision to continue the aggravating effect on your partner. What could possibly be his reasons for doing so if he loves her? |
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Im actually not sure how to phrase this question , so please bear with me if I am not clear enough. Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? I know there are detrimental things that are almost impossible to cope with in the longterm eg emotional or physical abuse, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, poor money management, or unhealthy vices eg drug abuse, gambling, etc . I am NOT referring to those things. I am asking if you have the capacity to accept/tolerate less chronic but still challenging conditions like your mate being a workaholic, or someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful, or someone who doesnt help around the house, or someone who is excessively messy/disorganised, or someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires, or who shuts down or gets reclusive during stress or conflict etc , who is cheap or who participates but who shows no initiative, or even someone who doesnt make the effort you would like in looking their best. Can you accept any of those kinds of shortcomings in your mate if they never changed? If you can accept it, how do you cope with it? And I know this is a weird question, but if you can't tolerate any of the above conditions, what shortcomings can you tolerate or accept? If the shortcoming is not a deal breaker -so sort of acceptable-, you have to accept that's how he is. So by loving him as he is. If the shortcoming is not acceptable to me, then we're simply not compatible. In that case it's best to break up. I'm not going to compromise myself anymore. It's gotta be right, or not at all. And by right I don't mean perfect. But there's gotta be basic compatibility and seeing eye to eye. I'm not willing to go through struggling rude in-laws, workalcoholism etc. etc. I want a nourishing relationship that makes me happy, not an endless war about issues. Been there, done that. So is there any room for mutual acceptance of a major flaw in you and your mate crystal? |
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