I'm pondering the common observation: "He-or-She seems well adjusted."

Adjusting is the act of altering an existing condition to improve alignment… right?

What if the existing condition can't be altered?
Do you think these are the only options?
1. Fake it.
2. Accept the limitation?

What if improving alignment requires an adjustment that skews the real you?

At what point does conforming to fit in start to betray your individuality?

I have never tried to conform.
I went to 4 high schools, most starting in mid-year
and never had any problems.

I think the problems may start when someone tries
to conform to anything rigid.

If one does not know the 'whys' of what they do, they
will use someone else's 'whys' and those could be
difficult to defend.

I think conforming can be a betrayal of your core.

I agree Soufie, the betrayal can sink deeper into the core. Especially if one doesn't go into it with full awareness.

Adjusting is that anything like what my mechanic does with my brakes or my wheel alignment..
He makes small adjustments..lol..

I think a distinction has to be made between values and behaviors Techno.

We can change our behaviors to align us with the things that we want .

We do it all the time , without even thinking about it. Its not being fake. It is adjusting to our environment for a desired result ,which is a human propensity

But our passions, and our core values ie our convictions of right or wrong , and how ourselves and others should be treated, must be protected I think, because they anchor our existence .

Accepting one's limitations is also an option, as well as not aligning one's behavior with the requirements for getting the things we want

As we go through life, we self adjust to be able to live in our chosen community.

When my sister and I immigrated to Canada, we both had very thick Filipino accent. I got tired of people saying "I beg your pardon" because they didn't understand what I said. So I took accent removal courses to at least get to the point that I could be understood.

My sister had the same problem but she was more assertive than I. When her co-workers made fun of her accent, she learned to swear. She'd say "Puck op!" which made her co-workers laugh uncontrollably. And my sister would give them the finger.

You asked...
What if the existing condition can't be altered?
Do you think these are the only options?
1. Fake it.
2. Accept the limitation?

I say...
Accept your limitation and say "Puck op!" to anyone who would not accept you the way you are.

It can be, if that's the way you want to see it.
But is it what is meant by "common observation: 'He-or-She seems well adjusted.'"


Depends on why it can't be altered, or perceived to be unalterable.


No.
There's always denial, rationalizing, deluding, running off and hiding, avoidance, lashing out, altering something else, transference, group forming.


What is the "real" you?
Who you think you are? Who others think you are? Who you think others think you are?


Never? Your individuality helps define how you conform and your perceptions of what can't be altered.
So, whenever you want to see conforming to fit in is betraying your individuality, if you believe conforming to fit in betrays your individuality.

With proper fitting underwear
I never have to adjust.

i have been adjusting all my life that if feels like second nature to me. i find it convenient but then i know i have lost a lot of the real person i can be. thanks to a very special person he made me realize that and now im trying to find what i can be and should be.

i have been adjusting all my life that if feels like second nature to me. i find it convenient but then i know i have lost a lot of the real person i can be. thanks to a very special person he made me realize that and now im trying to find what i can be and should be.

Hmm. I could respond to this in several ways, but I think what I will go with is the ideal.

When people who say "that person is well adjusted," and they are CORRECT in the best possible way, what that means, is, that the person has NOT "conformed," they have found a way for the person who they really are to interact reasonably successfully with the challenges that they face, and the desires they pursue.

By definition, if you have tried to sublimate the real you, in order to gain some advantage you think you can buy by selling a bit of your soul, then you are NOT "well adjusted" in the ideal sense.

But of course, as with any concept, there are people who use it for something else entirely, and there are people who will use the " well adjusted" label to refer to anything from abject submission to their authority, to self-centered destructive conquest of everything the person confronts. In an ideal sense, those people wouldn't qualify as well adjusted, and more than someone who is angry all the time, because nothing goes the way they wish it would, and they refuse to try a different approach.

I think if you have to adjust then the chemistry was never right to begin with, move on.


But 'well adjusted' in a dating sense to me has always meant simply that the person has their chit together.

I feel the need to adjust my post because my response was hasty, and this question deserves a lot more consideration


I do believe its human to adjust behaviors to get the things we want.

BUT...

The bigger question is "WHAT DO WE WANT/NEED" out of LIFE?

Ultimately, we all want/need inner peace and contentment , and to me, being well adjusted means finding that inner peace, and some degree of peace with others by making some kind of reconciliation between :-

1. Who we are,
2. Who we desire to be,
3. The life we want .
4. Behaviors required to function with others in our world

And that involves making some difficult judgment calls at times, when those 4 things are at odds with each other , which they often are .

Ive observed for example that shy celebrities, are dichotomies in that they seek a mike and stage for the public expression their heart needs, but they often hate the spotlight on their lives that the stage and mike attract.

I think ultimately they make the judgment call of sacrificing some of the anonymity they crave for the public expression that their heart needs, and in some cases , the luxuries it affords them.

There are some shy artistic people on the other hand, who struggle so much with the spotlight that they would rather sacrifice that public expression and comforts they crave for the anonymity they need.

I dont think either person is being fake . I think both are negotiating the best inner peace that they can, when the 4 things I listed earlier are at odds with each other.

So to answer your question:-

"What if the existing condition can't be altered?
Do you think these are the only options?
1. Fake it.
2. Accept the limitation? "


If your existing condition cant be altered, then I dont think faking it is a viable option because imposed duplicity is a direct threat to the inner peace we all seek

Accepting the limitation is a viable option, but that person has to find healthy coping mechanisms to offset the depression , anger, jealousy , or inner turmoil , which often accompany one's inability to reconcile the 4 things I listed above

And to answer your other questions:-

"What if improving alignment requires an adjustment that skews the real you?

At what point does conforming to fit in start to betray your individuality?"

The "real you", IMO is the person who is striving to negotiate the best peace they can with who they honestly are, the life they want ,and a satisfactory level of peace with the rest of the world. Once you continue to engage in that authentic journey, the real you isn't being skewed.

As for the act of conforming ...

Conforming is only necessary to the extent that some semblance of a happy medium can be achieved between peace with yourself and peace with the world. Thats the balance many of us seek.

Any conforming that sabotages that end IMO , is a betrayal of one's individuality and true self

If you strive to know yourself and be the person you want to be, how important is it to have others think of you as well-adjusted?

Nobody walks life in your steps. Nobody knows how you make considerations on the actions you take. Without you, what are you, a puppet?

If adjusting to life's circumstances is not easy for you consider the fact that if you can't adjust the result is madness or death.

It seems that a lot of people feel they must 'fit in' with society. Society is twisted and fragmented in its ideals. Society doesn't know or care what you need in your life outlook.

When you find the real you, it won't matter who thinks you are adjusted.

Think of your car seat.
You adjust it for you. You feel it is Well-Adjusted.
If someone else gets in the seat they might not feel it is well-adjusted.
They will adjust it for their preference.
When you get back in the seat, you readjust it for you again.
When you get it adjusted where YOU want it again, it is then well-adjusted.

I'm a pretty good mechanic, but I don't know if there's enough thread on your tie rod ends to align your wheels to straight and narrow. lol

When what we want is the acceptance of another person, aren't we dishonoring our values if we conform to standards that we disagree with to gain their acceptance? If we force ourselves into environments that we don't want to be in and that require us to attempt to behave in ways that feel foreign, to gain access to what we do want, isn't that a betrayal of our essence?

I agree Peggy, being malleable enough to adapt or acclimate is an inherent trait that helps us survive until we figure out how to thrive. I'm questioning if a "well adjusted" person = a truly happy person, or a person who's compromised more than anyone should have to for some semblance of fulfillment.

That's a cute story Rosie. I appreciate you sharing it in a lighthearted way. I'm sure adapting to the new environment was difficult. It's unfortunate that people often choose to tease and ridicule rather than be welcoming and helpful. But you survived until you thrived. I agree, the jerks of the world need to Puck Op!

I think referring to a person as well adjusted implies a stamp of acceptance by the consensus perceptions of societal standards.


For example: Someone who is introverted trying to fit into an environment of extroverts.

I think we're all born with a sense of our authentic self.

You mean to tell me they make man sized panties with a boys sized crotch? I must acquire some for myself forthwith. lol

I too have made adjustments throughout my life, sometimes away from my authentic self, sometimes toward it. I'm glad you've connected with someone who encourages you to be the truest you that you can be. :)