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| Topic: They don't like me so THEY must be jerks | |
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From my particular narcissistic viewpoint (the only one that matters anyway)....brilliant title. Hi Lu :) Like I told Beach, most of the forum regulars , including you and I have very healthy egos so this post is not applicable to us on most days  Couldn't agree more. It is a choice after all. More or less. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 06/20/17 02:50 PM
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Rejection HURTS therefore there's pain. everyone handles pain differently. responds to it differently. pain shapes people differently. maybe we could heal a lot faster if we manage our expectations better. there's a catch 22 in there. communication requires feedback, meaning expectations are partially dependent upon what the other person is communicating. so basically, from my perspective, what you are saying here is "maybe we could heal a lot faster if communication was better from the start!" good luck with that. You are not obligated to like anyone else either. you kind of are, at least in a society or culture with christian roots. at the very least you have to act like it. acting like it communicates the idea that it is genuine. "say please and thank you! santa's talking to you, what do you say to him? put your best foot forward. always smile at job interviews. if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. follow the golden rule. be nice at parties and shake their hand. if you get an email, it's polite to respond." there are all sorts of examples in basic socialization of having to like people or at the very least pretend you do for the sake of the social contract. you are socially trained, and thereby obligated, to communicate "friendliness" to people. expectations are based on consistent communicated behavior. the only way to "manage" expectations meaningfully online is to have absolutely no expectations whatsoever. having no expectations whatsoever means you will never know the proper way to respond to someone, never know what's going on, never be secure in what they're saying or you're saying, always so focused on your own expectations and possibly trying to figure out theirs, that you will misunderstand what is actually being said. Rejection doesnt make you or someone else a jerk the how and why you're being rejected can easily contain reasons that make them a "jerk." Do you know a lot of people like that? people that have experienced pain and come up with their own defense mechanisms to protect and maintain their emotional and mental health? Yes. Lots. I'd say pretty much everyone I've ever met. 1. Even though everyone handles pain and responds to it differently, there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with pain. This thread alludes to that fact. 2. There are many people who refuse to listen to common sense no matter how clearly or how sweetly you commuicate it to them, so communicatioion is not always as big a determining factor in this situation as you suggest 3. We are socially trained ,and yet alot of us choose to defy many of the things we were taught, when we become adults and get exposed to other lifestyles and schools of thought . Sometimes we even defy it because we do not ike the results we are getting from adhering to it. ..So no.We are not obligated to like someone, even if we are trained along those lines 4. I dont agree that the only way to "manage" expectations meaningfully online is to have absolutely no expectations whatsoever. People generally have some point of reference in REAL LIFE before they engage in the online world. In the real woorld, the people who are rejected, are also usually guilty of rejecting others themselves, through the filtering process that dating requires. People who have been rejected , ALSO have standards that they require of a mate too. Why would they think it impossible that others have standards too? 5. Although you say that the how and why you're being rejected can easily contain reasons that make them a "jerk.", many persons with a foul attitude will call the rejector a jerk no matter how legitimate the reason is for rejection or how kindly the rejection is done. 6. The people referred to in this OP are people that have experienced pain and come up with EXTREME and UNHEALTHY defense mechanisms to protect and maintain their emotional and mental health. I would not paint every human defense mechanism with such a broad negative stroke |
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I couldnt agree with you more kristi, and you see so much of that mentality online! I will ask you the same thing I asked Motown. Does the online dating world attract alot of that toxic energy? Or does it just provide the biggest platform for it? Sure it does people tend to be who they are not online cause they can... It brings out all those that normally would not be so brave to contact others and to at times pretend who they are not... Not sure that it attracts it but it does give a big platform for those to be seen more then we normally would have or noticed in the past... |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 06/20/17 02:35 PM
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I try to avoid people like that. But I do see them on here every day. I do wonder sometime if the online dating world attracts alot of that toxic energy or if it just provides the biggest platform for it. That should have been the OP question, come to think of it. I agree with tmommy, I also found when I was on Facebook (not any more ) whilst chatting to someone I'd often be waiting for a reply during a conversation. why? Because people have several conversations going on at the same time! I found this rude to be honest. In my opinion, online rules of engagement are different from face to face interactions in some ways Mikey. In real life if a woman is on a date with you, and 5 men approach her during that time, the appropriate response would be to politely refuse those people because she is on a date with YOU. But in a chatroom , as a woman receiving 5 messages at a time, she is trying to decide which person she wants to score date with.If she talks to you alone, and decides after a couuple of minutes that she doesnt want to go on a date with you, her other options might have moved on, if she ignored them while talking to you. So sometimes some multi tasking is involved. At the same time, if you on the receiving end are tired of the waiting, then you have the right to leave as well. Ive been on both sides of it, and because I understand how it works, I am never offended by it, but those who are can articulate it and leave if they wish |
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[ with this anonymity and ease of access also comes bravado..the arm chair keyboard warrior types that say things online that they might think but not really say in real life I really like the time for formulating responses and editing options if I sound like a total jerk on the first try. If it wasnt for the editing option Beach, alot of us would be screwed . Cheers to editing! |
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I try to avoid people like that. But I do see them on here every day. I do wonder sometime if the online dating world attracts alot of that toxic energy or if it just provides the biggest platform for it. That should have been the OP question, come to think of it. when you think of it..online dating takes very little effort. It does not take combing your hair, tucking in your shirt, checking to see if you have bad breath before approaching someone to try to strike up a conversation.How easy it it then to just turn on your computer or phone and try your hand at messaging a gaggle of people that you may have not had the nerve to approach in person with this anonymity and ease of access also comes bravado..the arm chair keyboard warrior types that say things online that they might think but not really say in real life in answer to your question, yes I think it does open the doors to all types including those that are misogynistic, abusive, angry, and carry around resentment and hostility from past relationships Makes sense Tmom, and ofcoure the rejection rate ,online is a hundred times higher than in real life , which probably only heightens the negativity . Thats a tough one :( Ciretom is suggesting that their expectations of the experience might be warped since they may not be receiving communication or feedback. I say anybody who is always pointing fingers and never looking inward is is suspect of having an unhealthy attitude towards life in general. No effort. No progress |
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From my particular narcissistic viewpoint (the only one that matters anyway)....brilliant title. Hi Lu :) Like I told Beach, most of the forum regulars , including you and I have very healthy egos so this post is not applicable to us on most days Couldn't agree more. It is a choice after all. More or less. Even the victims of rejection have the right to choose who they will reject as well Lu. In that regard at least, the dating world is fair. |
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Me too beach, but do you think it has an effect on our ability to communicate face to face? Maybe not so much now but in the future? It's like those moments of silence on a first date but online you can have a wee, make a coffee pick your nose or anything and they are non the wiser  Even in a faceto face date, we are afforded the opportunity of thinking before we speak Mikey :) |
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I couldnt agree with you more kristi, and you see so much of that mentality online! I will ask you the same thing I asked Motown. Does the online dating world attract alot of that toxic energy? Or does it just provide the biggest platform for it? Sure it does people tend to be who they are not online cause they can... It brings out all those that normally would not be so brave to contact others and to at times pretend who they are not... Not sure that it attracts it but it does give a big platform for those to be seen more then we normally would have or noticed in the past... I see way more of this behavior online. In real life, these people probably appear normal and reasonable for all we know, with all this crap lurking below the surface. In other words online dating offers a platform to showcase all our ugly bits we try to conceal in real life. |
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Sad but true Peggy~~ people tend to say and do things they never would in person. As well as hide things they can not in person...
Honestly, I have done online dating and have ran into some that I still shake my head when I think about it and a few laughs.. Had some really nice meets as well that was lots of laughs just no connection.. Have meet some really great friends face to face due to this site. And some I still to this day keep in contact with through facebook or here still...And every one of them were just like they were in the forums... But I have seen things being a mod for over 10 years that just blew me away... And to be honest took me out of the online dating scene... It honestly made me do a bit more research on those I talked to when there was a interest.. One would be surprised what they can find out online about those they are meeting online.. My best advice to anyone is use the gift you have before you and do the research~~~always be safe... Those that try to conceal it in real life sooner or later one will notice behaviors ect.. ~~ But online you only have how they portray themselves to you... and what pictures they reveal..even talking to them on the phone does not reveal all... Online dating is a big platform for all kinds to showcase on... |
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Sad but true Peggy~~ people tend to say and do things they never would in person. As well as hide things they can not in person... Honestly, I have done online dating and have ran into some that I still shake my head when I think about it and a few laughs.. Had some really nice meets as well that was lots of laughs just no connection.. Have meet some really great friends face to face due to this site. And some I still to this day keep in contact with through facebook or here still...And every one of them were just like they were in the forums... But I have seen things being a mod for over 10 years that just blew me away... And to be honest took me out of the online dating scene... It honestly made me do a bit more research on those I talked to when there was a interest.. One would be surprised what they can find out online about those they are meeting online.. My best advice to anyone is use the gift you have before you and do the research~~~always be safe... Those that try to conceal it in real life sooner or later one will notice behaviors ect.. ~~ But online you only have how they portray themselves to you... and what pictures they reveal..even talking to them on the phone does not reveal all... Online dating is a big platform for all kinds to showcase on... Hmmmm... Im hoping that the longer you maintain daily contact with them ,is the more you pick up on red flags that they try to keep hidden. It seems like doing that an online background checks are the only substantial precautions you can take |
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Funny thing about rejection. We're taught a lot of things about it. The most influential ones aren't the pleasant reassurances. By the age of six or so, people telling you that you're actually wonderful tend to become like verbal wallpaper. Stuff that people say, and you know you're supposed to smile and move on to another topic about, but not bother to really listen to.
What seems to be much more influential, are the cliques that form around declaring certain OTHER groups of people to BE JERKS. I've seen a whole bunch of "they don't like me, so they're jerks (and you agree so we must be the cool ones)" clubs in my life. When we were really young kids, there were the "yeah, well girls have cooties anyway" clubs, and the "all really good looking girls are shallow snobs" clubs. I never spent any time (that I recall) growing up as a girl, so I don't know what anti-jerk clubs they formed. Later, the same kind of thing shifts to stuff like politics and one-up clubs of various kinds. So we get the "I never watch TV, that's for jerks" clubs, and the "All the Mainstream Media is biased" clubs on both the left and the right. The main thing I'm getting at, is there's a real and strong encouragement in our society to play the "they must be jerk" game. Because it's a way to self-award status to your fellow whiners and gripers. Ooops, I mean your fellow righteous, upstanding, victims of the horrible abusive THEM'S of the world. |
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No ... I don't think it is the domain that is problematic .. ., I think it is the state of being single and not having the success you expected some vent .. some express frustration ..some over analyse .. .. some Impose their expectations of normality on others ..we all have a different experience and interpretation of being single . We all have an ego . thinking your ego is better or healthier than others serves little purpose other than self validation  What else matters? Just playing narcissists' advocate. Tehee...sorry. |
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I really like following long winded paragraphs with short quips.
Makes me feel special.  
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 06/20/17 10:42 PM
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No ... I don't think it is the domain that is problematic .. ., I think it is the state of being single and not having the success you expected some vent .. some express frustration ..some over analyse .. .. some Impose their expectations of normality on others ..we all have a different experience and interpretation of being single . We all have an ego . thinking your ego is better or healthier than others serves little purpose other than self validation I made a distinction on page one between passing through a finger pointing phase, (which ALL of us go through,and GROW from) as opposed to LIVING in that energy, which some of us experience and regress from. I really cant see how perpetually demonising others for rejecting us can be paralleled with a mere "interpretation of being single" , but diversity of thought is what makes this forum the treasure that it is
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Funny thing about rejection. We're taught a lot of things about it. The most influential ones aren't the pleasant reassurances. By the age of six or so, people telling you that you're actually wonderful tend to become like verbal wallpaper. Stuff that people say, and you know you're supposed to smile and move on to another topic about, but not bother to really listen to. What seems to be much more influential, are the cliques that form around declaring certain OTHER groups of people to BE JERKS. I've seen a whole bunch of "they don't like me, so they're jerks (and you agree so we must be the cool ones)" clubs in my life. When we were really young kids, there were the "yeah, well girls have cooties anyway" clubs, and the "all really good looking girls are shallow snobs" clubs. I never spent any time (that I recall) growing up as a girl, so I don't know what anti-jerk clubs they formed. Later, the same kind of thing shifts to stuff like politics and one-up clubs of various kinds. So we get the "I never watch TV, that's for jerks" clubs, and the "All the Mainstream Media is biased" clubs on both the left and the right. The main thing I'm getting at, is there's a real and strong encouragement in our society to play the "they must be jerk" game. Because it's a way to self-award status to your fellow whiners and gripers. Ooops, I mean your fellow righteous, upstanding, victims of the horrible abusive THEM'S of the world. I agree Igor. Just because people FEEL victimised in the dating world, or anywhere else,( and most of us do at some point) it doesnt always mean that someone always has to be assigned the role of the Oppresor |
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I really like following long winded paragraphs with short quips. Makes me feel special. And once you feel special Beach, my world feels complete 
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....and the narcissist takes it at face value; appreciates the sincerity.
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I have been rejected 1000s times online in chatrooms and forums... cos of my origin... so I learned it long ago... everybody has right to like or dislike someone based on many things...
we can;t force someone or expect from someone to like us ... |
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....and the narcissist takes it at face value; appreciates the sincerity. The Narcissist is 100% accurate in his assessment :) |
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