I wonder how you people feel about this and if there are any of you in similar situations, or having made decisions concerning the following.

The last years me & my kids have gone to my mum for Christmas as she's single. She has been single since she was 46 so for 33 years now I've been made to feel obliged to have her over for Christmas or to go there so she isn't alone.
She cannot be by herself in that sense and be happy. If she couldn't be with me & my family she got into serious victim mode, crying etc., making me feel guilty while I had done nothing wrong.
I've never been able to spend Christmas with just me, my then hubbie and our kids, which was what I wanted.
Instead I was forced to always have my mother over or go to her.

This hasn't changed.
So for years now me and my kids have gone to her, which is 1,5 hr drive as she lives far from us.
And thing is, no one wants it, likes it, although my son isn't difficult and doesn't mind too much.
But my daughter is the same, also wants the freedom of choice to spend Christmas with her partner in their own home and not be forced to go to her grandmother.

This year she's not going, celebrates 1st Christmas day at home.
I think my son has to work since he's a chef now, and I doubt he can get the day off.
So now my mum expect to either be with me or me to go to her.
And... I REALLY don't want to.
I want the freedom to stay home, have a good day since I never like Christmas at my mum's either. I want to get up, have a relaxed day, not a long drive, be somewhere I rather not be, eat a nice meal, watch a movie etc.
Plus, I cannot sit properly at my mum's which causes my back & neck to get very upset, totally out of whack, which triggers my dizziness. While I still have to drive 1,5 hr to get home, dizziness or no.

So now what? I know if I tell my mother she's going to be upset. She's going to feel sorry for herself, make me feel guilty and whatnot.
Very immature to make your child responsible for the fact you're single. It's the reason I've always been very conscious of not doing that to my children. It's not their task in life to make me feel good and to make personal sacrifices because I happen to be single.
My mum on the other hand doesn't compute that way.
And I'm fed up with being responsible for her for 33 yrs now.

Another thing is she has nothing to talk about. The only thing that interests her is negative stuff of what she thinks is going on in the world. She's a member of groups that deal with that.
But I am not into that and don't want to talk about that either. She has no hobbies, no interests, nothing. So being with her for half an hour is enough, but then you don't drive 1,5 hours for that.

I'm really stuck now what to do. I feel guilty, yet when I think of staying home by myself and having a relaxed great day, my heart jumps for joy!
I feel I deserve to be able to have my holiday the way I want to, I'm 56 dammit!
I'm going back and forth between staying home and giving myself what I crave and truly want and feeling guilty and going over my boundaries and going to my mum again, which I don't want.
Would've been sorted had she had a partner. Then I wouldn't be forced to spend my Christmas with her. So I have to sacrifice and suffer because she hasn't got a partner. Isn't that insanity? To put that on your child?

I wonder if anyone else is in a similar situation and how you deal with it?

I'll tell you the same thing I tell my GF concerning her parents.

They are getting old. They could die at anytime.
After they're gone, you will wish you spent more time with them. So, take the time NOW while they are alive to enjoy them. Plus, don't make it all about YOU. Sit and listen to them, try to understand the world as they seen it. Let them tell you about the good 'old' times. Give them the attention they deserve and experience them with a refound sense of them as the person and not the parent.

Believe me, visiting grave stones, wishing you had 'made more time for them' doesn't really make you feel good.
So what if its an inconvience. So what if there's a bit of pain. They raised you, kept you warm, dry, safe and fed when YOU couldn't do that yourself.

Figure out what your mom used to like to do and try to bring that memory back to life for her. Play cards, find and watch an old show, ask her to tell you her favorite things like her favorite hat, dress, dance, places to go for fun, etc...

If its Christmas, do something she loved to do at Christmas - even if you never liked do it yourself. Do it for Her, not you. Make Her feel special, wanted, loved. There's plenty of time for you to despise her when you are by yourself.

Parents, enjoy em while you got em.

Christmas is just another day. Spend the day with your mum. Listen to her complaints etc. Give her a hug and go home. Have your own "Christmas" the day before or the day after.

Thanks for the feedback.

It is sorted. We just talked about it on the phone.
First we considered her coming over to me, staying in a local B&B as she cannot get up the stairs to sleep here.
But the B&B doesn't exist anymore. Plus the drive over - 3-4hrs by shared medical taxi- is too much for her.
Me driving over is dependent on the weather. I don't drive when the roads are slippery so that's a risk.
If I get very dizzy I cannot drive home, so then I'm stuck 1,5 hr from home with no place to sleep.
Normally my son is with me, so he could drive, but when alone I don't have that option. And I cannot risk my life and other people's by driving when dizzy.

So all things considered it's just not handy this year.
She agreed. Also because she has fallen a few months ago and since then she sleeps every afternoon. Having visitors over for a longer time is too much for her.

So we talked about it and agreed it's best that we both just stay home.
Next year she'll be living over here on the island, 15 mins from me, and then it's much much easier.

I must say it's a relief that it has been talked about and we are both fine about it now as it was something that came up in bed before sleep and kept me awake.
Guilt is a nasty thing...

have to agree with Tom .

I adore Christmas and spending time with my family . I am fortunate to have a large close family . Never feels like a chore or obligation to spend time with them . Every Christmas I get to spend with my parents is truly a gift

I know it’s difficult. I hated Christmas at the in-laws so much, my kids hated it and my husband started hating it. We still did it, even when she arranged it on Boxing Day on purpose. My husband was pissed, it was our day to shop, but we did it.

Christmas wasn't the same after his mom died. We always did said Christmas was for the kids, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve was our time and we always bought hotel packages to getaway as gifts on Christmas for each other. We stopped doing that so much after his parents passed.

At one time my parents seemed to come over every special occasion. After awhile we realized they were doing it on purpose. Why I understand. After a few years of this We started saying good thing your here, nanny and Grams are baby sitting and we’d sing it … Lol They didn’t mind, but they stopped coming every Valentine’s Day, Anniversary and my husband’s birthday.

For Christmas just do it Crystal. I promise you you’ll regret if you don’t. I regret leaving my husband in the room last Christmas. I fought so hard to get him home to die. A new amputee with no equipment, the ambulance just dumped him in the bed. I have 3 sets of stairs and was so tired. I didn’t want to carry him up the stairs again, my body hurt, so I left him so my kids could enjoy their Christmas morning. Afterwards the kids missed him and brought him his gifts to open. We brought him up for Christmas dinner. He peeled the vegetables and when he went to nap, we dumped them and repealed new ones. He was always playing in his diaper. He died January 16th and I wish we spent more quality time with him. Well I did because I was his caregiver, but the kids cleared every room he went in. They just got freaked out, my daughter refused to go to his funeral.

If you’re sure, do it, but we’re never promised tomorrow. My mom won’t come here anymore, because my husband died and she loved him. That would be to hard for her and words do hurt because I'm still here, but I have one mom and I have to try to understand why she is the way she is. We lost my sister the year before. I know exactly what you’re going through. I have to start making the trip to see her. Lucky for me she favours my middle sister and will probably go up there for Christmas.

It's an entirely different ballgame when your parents are together and not divorced and when both are still alive. My parents divorced when I was 16ish, and my dad passed away in 2016. I cannot even recall what it was like when they were together as for most of my life they weren't.
Plus, everyone's story and family background is different. If yours is just happy, then you're lucky :)
I've always been a bit of a crutch for my mother to lean on, even as a very young child. Then that got worse when she became single around age 46. Me and my husband were suddenly responsible for her sense of happiness in life, no easy job, and in essence not something you should ever demand of your children or anyone else. Everyone should (learn to) be responsible for their own happiness as no one can fill a void if you have that. That's an inside job. My mother never learnt, and since she's now 79 likely never will.

It did teach me to never ever do that to my kids, and I don't. Not even now that I am single. That should not affect the way they wish to spend their Christmas, or any other special day. Everyone should have the freedom of choice, which I never had. They're not responsible for the fact that I'm single.

At some point I reached the stage of something similar to 'metal fatigue'. It became too much. Not having the freedom to spend holidays with your hubbie & kids etc. etc. All of my life I've been made responsible for my mother's well-being and happiness. It shouldn't be my cross to bear, it's exhausting and really not pleasant. It doesn't make you want to spend time with such a person either. So there's me, being 56 and not even having the freedom to choose myself how I wish to spend Christmas is ridiculous.
If she'd have a partner she wouldn't really mind if I didn't come over so I'm made responsible for the fact she's single.

Something that may be difficult to understand if your own family story is nothing but happy, if you don't have kids, and if your parents are still happily together and alive. Unfortunately my scenario is entirely different.

So sorry to hear that, Gia!!

I have a bit of another view concerning someone passing away. It's so easy to make yourself feel guilty but then, would the one who crossed over want you to feel guilty? I believe not. Things go the way they go. You cannot beat yourself up over something you cannot change and that simply happened as part of life (the you leaving him there bit).
Back in 2016 I went to bed really late, March 17th. I'd only been asleep for 2 hrs when the phone rang. A nr I didn't know. I was annoyed. I figured it was someone I'd once dated. Been there before when the guy wanted to tell me in the middle of the night he'd dreamt of me. So I didn't answer the phone. After they rung me for the 3rd time I switched off the phone and fell asleep.
In the morning, March 18, I switched on my phone and got rung again. Turned out my dad has passed away... They'd first called me to tell me to get over to hospital as he was still alive then. Then the later calls were to say he'd passed.
My family was PO that I hadn't answered, but I explained why not. They realised they'd never given me their number, so logical I didn't recognise it. Not my fault.
But they were still PO that they couldn't reach me and that I hadn't come over.
I was overwhelmed, speechless. It's 1,5 hrs drive for me. Had I taken the call and driven over after only 2 hours sleep I'd likely have crashed the car in a ditch or around a tree. I cannot do much with my head injury with very little sleep.
To date I am convinced that Spirit -possible even my dad- made sure I didn't answer the phone so I stayed safe and wouldn't get in a car accident while rushing to hospital 1,5 hrs from me, and still arrive too late to get to him while he was still alive.
I felt a little bit of guilt because my family did their best to make me feel guilty.
But I knew in my heart my dad was okay with it.
I did think, "damn, I wished I'd looked him and his wife up more often." but quickly let go of that as it is the way it is. We had a very good, close bond, I loved my dad intensely and he me. We were very close, so the fact I hadn't recently seen him before his passing was okay.
He was with me after his crossing over on regular basis. He visited me often, we were in touch an awful lot. At first he was confused, a bit in shock about have crossed over, but that softened with a little time.
Nowadays he doesn't visit me that often anymore, but all is well with him. I know he still checks in on me, he even showed up in my mother's bedroom a while back! She saw him when she woke up a bit early in the morning.
In those first days/weeks he was also often with his wife and in & around their home. I've seen him in postures in certain places, then told my stepmother to which she replied, "Yes, he used to sit/stand that way in that place a lot!!" I didn't know that at all, haha.

With the final seeing him, the saying goodbye in the funeral home, I was very anxious, not certain if I wanted to see him. I was reassured that he looked very peaceful. My stepsister went in there with me for support. The second I saw his face I smiled. He looked so at peace, totally okay, my dad was okay with having passed over, that showed on his face.
I tried to hide my smile, concerned about what others would think if they'd see it. But for me it was a tremendous relief, a burden gone. My dad was fine! My Heart opened, and remembering that moment now, it does again.
I was so glad I'd seen him that one final time as I knew he was fine, at peace, okay with what happened.

Passing over is not the end. They're not in a physical body anymore, but they're still there, still around, still visit you etc.
Knowing all that, and also feeling that intuitively helped me deal with his passing and also with not feeling guilty about not answering the phone that night, and not for not visiting him more often.
My dad and me are still very close. The love between us has never gone, never faded, in some odd way it only got stronger! And he will be there for me when it's my time to cross over.

This experience is why I don't see things like others here said -along the vein of "you'll regret it when they're gone!"- because that's not my experience. I'm very sensitive, spiritual, intuitive, and it doesn't end when someone's physical life ends.

Thank you for sharing your story Crystal. We do have the same beliefs and gifts. I know he still visits. Doors open and close by themselves, animals react, lights turn off and off my themselves and I dream about him almost every night.

Things we to come to me in vivid dreams, not I can rarely remember anything.

I’m finally at peace. I’m positive, spiritual… I’m about to go through another tower moment I can feel it. Still trying to understand my gifts. I’d love to be mentored or take some classes to understand what’s happening to me and why. Why did it happen to all my other widow friends.