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| Topic: baby mama drama | |
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I think it's honorable of you to put your child first, especially when it sounds like your daughter was upset and needed you to be there for her. So early in the relationship, your date should have totally understood and not gotten upset.. I think too many get overly emotionally involved early on. They need to realize your daughter is very important to you... the daughter has been there all along, your date (it sounds like) is really new to you. Why did she get so upset? I guess that didn't make much sense to me. If she wants no drama, it's going to be hard to do that, especially where family is involved. Move on and may you find a very caring and understanding person!
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She asked why..."with an attitude"...and i explained. I think you're forgetting that she was probably just as excited about getting together as you were. When you suddenly told her that you couldn't see her it must have been very disappointing for her, which explains her reaction (what you call a 'attitude'). I don't think it was the cancellation that was an issue as much as your ex being involved. A relationship is supposed to be between two people, not three, so I see her point here. Yes you have an ex and it will be part of your next relationship, but that is YOUR issue and shouldn't be your next partners. It's simply a matter of how you handle integrating your ex into your next relationship. Who the hell in this world is without some form of baggage at 41? Actually quite a lot of people, but it's not the baggage that's the issue, it's how it's handled. When you first started dating in your teens or 20's, would you have wanted your girlfriend to keep pushing her last boyfriend into your relationship? Probably not. There's no difference here. No one wants to play third fiddle. |
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I can understand her being disappointed. That's expected, but not to react the way she did IMO.
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So i met someone i really like finally....Talked about a week and a half every chance we got. went out on wednesday for drinks near her place. I met some of her friends and after drinks went to a nice dinner. Everything perfect so far..... we scheduled another date for saturday, was gonna spend the day together. I was excited, really liked her. Then my ex did not show up to pick up my daughter for weekend..."lives with me"....So i called and canceled. She asked why..."with an attitude"...and i explained. She was cool with it, but when i mentioned my ex trippen she said later i'm not dealing with that "baby mama drama"... So i say later don't let the door hit u in the azz on the way out. now she is back tracking and trying to call me to apoligize...so the question....Is it wrong for me to expect a woman to support me in my life? I mean i can't control my ex, so y hold it against me??? I told her early i had an ex that was a problem. Who the hell in this world is without some form of baggage at 41? I don't get it! 
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I can understand her being disappointed. That's expected, but not to react the way she did IMO. No one but her and the OP knows how she reacted... many sides to a story... 
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I can understand her being disappointed. That's expected, but not to react the way she did IMO. No one but her and the OP knows how she reacted... many sides to a story... I'm going by the OP. There are always more sides to the story....yes. |
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I can understand her being disappointed. That's expected, but not to react the way she did IMO. No one but her and the OP knows how she reacted... many sides to a story... Exactly. According to the OP, she asked why he had to cancel the date with some sort of attitude. We really have no idea how she actually reacted, though. |
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About four months ago, two months after breaking up with my ex. I dumped a girl I was dating because of baby daddy drama. Three times she messed up my Saturday by having to cancel because she couldn't get a babysitter. If someones life is too restricted and it causes them to be flaky, I won't put up with it. I'm too young, I like having fun, and there is always plenty more fish in the sea that don't come with the restrictive baggage. I don't blame her one bit, you just need to find someone who puts up with it. |
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I can understand her being disappointed. That's expected, but not to react the way she did IMO. No one but her and the OP knows how she reacted... many sides to a story... Exactly. According to the OP, she asked why he had to cancel the date with some sort of attitude. We really have no idea how she actually reacted, though. true, but as you can see I said IMO. it is my opinion. |
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May be tough to imagine but, you might consider putting off trying to find someone to eventually move in with you while your daughter is still a minor. Focus on raising your child and keeping the dramatic women out of her face.
You're a Dad first, secondly a human. |
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Edited by
kayarie
on
Mon 02/22/10 08:03 PM
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I dated a guy who had two kids i dont have any kids it didnt really bother me. He had an ex (the kids mother)that constantly called i am a very laid back person so i let it go but after awhile i noticed he would let me go so he could take her call and it became less about me more about her. I just backed off left it at that. Cant have three people in a relationship what he did to me was unfair because he led me to believe all that drama was behind him she (besides his kids) were not a part of his life anymore but i felt like the third wheel and like i was intruding.
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Edited by
daytime
on
Mon 02/22/10 08:30 PM
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I dated a guy who had two kids i dont have any kids it didnt really bother me. He had an ex (the kids mother)that constantly called i am a very laid back person so i let it go but after awhile i noticed he would let me go so he could take her call and it became less about me more about her. I just backed off left it at that. Cant have three people in a relationship what he did to me was unfair because he led me to believe all that drama was behind him she (besides his kids) were not a part of his life anymore but i felt like the third wheel and like i was intruding. I had something very similiar but even more dramatic happen to me. He also had two kids and his ex was still attached to him and was outraged that I was in the picture. She came and went in his house as she pleased!! When I said enough and requested the door be locked at all times, she threatened to break down the door and throw objects thur the glass plate windows unless she was allowed into the house. Whew !!! Enough said, relationship over. By the way the kids were in High School.  
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Edited by
IndnPrncs
on
Mon 02/22/10 08:57 PM
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It's unfortunate that you couldn't get things straightened out to go on the date... I can understand her being disappointed.. Perhaps she's not ready or willing to deal with your situation.. Personally, I don't do baby mama drama of any kind... I dealt with it when I was married and there was a limit to what I would allow.. I've dealt with it in a previous relationship... I wouldn't do it again.. When the relationship is over it should be over before you bring other people into your life... When it comes to the kids unless there are mitigating circumstances there is no need to talk every day and certainly no need for a open door arrangement... A man can do whatever works for him but I won't be involved...
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wow see his ex once when i was over his house his ex girlfriend not wife saw me called up his ex wife she called him completely blasted him out that i was there. I looked at him and just simply said i do not want to get involved in a triangle and no one should ever.
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So i met someone i really like finally....Talked about a week and a half every chance we got. went out on wednesday for drinks near her place. I met some of her friends and after drinks went to a nice dinner. Everything perfect so far..... we scheduled another date for saturday, was gonna spend the day together. I was excited, really liked her. Then my ex did not show up to pick up my daughter for weekend..."lives with me"....So i called and canceled. She asked why..."with an attitude"...and i explained. She was cool with it, but when i mentioned my ex trippen she said later i'm not dealing with that "baby mama drama"... So i say later don't let the door hit u in the azz on the way out. now she is back tracking and trying to call me to apoligize...so the question....Is it wrong for me to expect a woman to support me in my life? I mean i can't control my ex, so y hold it against me??? I told her early i had an ex that was a problem. Who the hell in this world is without some form of baggage at 41? I don't get it! I find your post really interesting. A parent who found myself single and wishing to date I can relate to the ups and downs. It is fun to meet someone and be excited about them; lavishing them with attention and thinking all the other issues in life will some how not intrude on the romance. In dateing people tend to hear what they want to hear and vague comments about a non-custodial parent being a "problem" doesn't really sink in, especially to a non-parent, until it smacks them in the face like a cancelled weekend date that her friends probably knew about just like the before dinner social drinking. The same is true if a person really wants to find someone who will be the better half they struck out finding previously. Not having been there and not hearing the other side of this Lovers spat I would guess there was a lot of "attitude" on both sides of the coin. Is it possible that your new love interest was telling you that she did not want to hear about your baby momma drama because she was trying to be mature enough to let you deal with it. Something which is the dominent view of all persons who are usually involved even remotely includeing professionals; especially the courts. Any custodial parent (even shared custody) who has an ex to one degree or another has and ex-out-law to deal with. Those of us who picked the real loosers as co-parents have a rough road to go down and it takes a lot to not make not only our children vunerable to suffer their failures but also anyone we hope to bring into our life. Sometimes the reality of that is we have to move slower, make more "tenative" plans, and accept the consequences even if they are dissappointing. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out that if a vindictive Ex finds out you are "getting a life" that they will mess it up even if it means making the child miserable which also creates a new need. How yours found out about this "new" relationship or is just making sure you don't have a chance to have one you have tough choices to make about how you are going to react.and not allow this to be part of your new life. It sounds harsh but you were in the wrong making a date when you thought you were going to be "off duty" while Mom was. Basiclly because you are NEVER off duty. Sure Ex Mommy Dearest was the scapegoat in this scenario but even if she had come through you still could have been called away by an ill child and you had no back up person. Bad form. Also not having a fun alternate plan "B" for your little one was poor planning on your part. Just because Dad can't make Mom be a hero you have the opportunity to make your dating much less traumatic by making your private time safe, fun, and positive for them. Yea Mom bombed out but you should have not made it a crummy day where Dad was the helpless, angry, victim "all" day but the person who could have said "so what life goes on and later you are going to ______." (My personal favorite and certainly my sons was a family pass to the zoo. Sometimes we did it together sometimes they did it with a sitter. Sometimes They went just because dear old custodial parent me need a day to other personal stuff. Just because you are divorced does not mean you have to be care giver every moment you are not at work. ) Last and not least is how you break the news that you are not going to have to go with the original plan. Realizeing prepareing for a date is a big effort. People generally do have to make schedules to accomodate a date and it creates a void when, especially at the last moment, it doesn't happen. Bad news is generally not best delivered over the phone or even worse over text or email. While it might have taken a little effort it would have been much better to have asked a responsible person to spend a few minutes with your child while you went to her and possibly with and inexpensive card and boquet tell her you are sorry that your plans have to change but she and her time is precious to you. So from your dates standpoint she is behind your child, your self, and your Ex. Not really too fair to ask her to make you first in her life if she is third in yours. I am not even going to get into the whole debate of when you introduce a child to the person you date as a love interest but one thing I guarantee you is anyone who finds you suitable enough to date will find it VERY OFFENSIVE to be told they have to prove they are the one to be around your child even momentarily. Think about the low lifes your kid runs into every day, some you know, but most likely many you don't; but you don't exclude every stranger in the world from your child so why someone you are social (maybe even sexual) with in a dateing relationship? How would you feel if a person refused to introduce you to her family like some back door gigilo? You can write this woman off as many of the people who will not live up to what sounds like truely unrealistic expectations or you can accept her genuine apology of not understanding your situation and try to make it a situation you both can live with. I really doubt she sees your child as "Baggage" and that is what really matters right? Why not give it a chance and see how it works out. Working on seeing things from her side and BEING the best half of a relationship rather than instantly demanding it from another might actually bring you the happiness you seek. |
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So you called the would-be date and canceled her. I assume you apologized, blaming the ex. She had a right to be upset. Maybe she could have been more supportive. It appears she thought about it and tried to explain that to you. And you turned away from that. So. You want from her what you can't give back. Understanding. Cross off another one??? Understanding of what? That she was upset? oohhh i figured she would be disappointed and frustrated but she said "later" didn't want to see me anymore. then she called back and said sorry. As for blaming it on my ex... here's the situation, my daughter waiting for her mom and she calls last minute and cancels, my daughter being disappointed was more important to me! As for me telling her the details....Should i lie? she asked...get a babysitter so i explained the details and said i'm staying with my daughter! It is very possible she has been in a bad situation with another man and was pulled into a big drama with the ex, a child/or children and was reacting to the past experience. Maybe she has painful memories connected to this. |
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It is very possible she has been in a bad situation with another man and was pulled into a big drama with the ex, a child/or children and was reacting to the past experience. Maybe she has painful memories connected to this. Very insightful 
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babys mama drama is a bad mama jama
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So i met someone i really like finally....Talked about a week and a half every chance we got. went out on wednesday for drinks near her place. I met some of her friends and after drinks went to a nice dinner. Everything perfect so far..... we scheduled another date for saturday, was gonna spend the day together. I was excited, really liked her. Then my ex did not show up to pick up my daughter for weekend..."lives with me"....So i called and canceled. She asked why..."with an attitude"...and i explained. She was cool with it, but when i mentioned my ex trippen she said later i'm not dealing with that "baby mama drama"... So i say later don't let the door hit u in the azz on the way out. now she is back tracking and trying to call me to apoligize...so the question....Is it wrong for me to expect a woman to support me in my life? I mean i can't control my ex, so y hold it against me??? I told her early i had an ex that was a problem. Who the hell in this world is without some form of baggage at 41? I don't get it! I find your post really interesting. A parent who found myself single and wishing to date I can relate to the ups and downs. It is fun to meet someone and be excited about them; lavishing them with attention and thinking all the other issues in life will some how not intrude on the romance. In dateing people tend to hear what they want to hear and vague comments about a non-custodial parent being a "problem" doesn't really sink in, especially to a non-parent, until it smacks them in the face like a cancelled weekend date that her friends probably knew about just like the before dinner social drinking. The same is true if a person really wants to find someone who will be the better half they struck out finding previously. Not having been there and not hearing the other side of this Lovers spat I would guess there was a lot of "attitude" on both sides of the coin. YES I HAD A BIT OF AN ATTITUDE BECAUSE I WAS DISAPPOINTED TOO AND WANTED TO SEE HER AND ALL SHE THOUGHT OF WAS HERSELF! Is it possible that your new love interest was telling you that she did not want to hear about your baby momma drama because she was trying to be mature enough to let you deal with it. Something which is the dominent view of all persons who are usually involved even remotely includeing professionals; especially the courts. aCTUALLY SHE ASKED ABOUT MY LIFE AND MY EX AND WAS WELL IN THE LOOP! Any custodial parent (even shared custody) who has an ex to one degree or another has and ex-out-law to deal with. Those of us who picked the real loosers as co-parents have a rough road to go down and it takes a lot to not make not only our children vunerable to suffer their failures but also anyone we hope to bring into our life. Sometimes the reality of that is we have to move slower, make more "tenative" plans, and accept the consequences even if they are dissappointing. WELL SOME TRUTH TO THAT I PICKED MY EX AND WASN'T THE BEST CHOICE I EVER MADE, BUT THATS IN THE PAST CAN'T CHANGE IT! IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT THEY CAN CHOOSE NOT TO DATE ME! It doesn't take rocket science to figure out that if a vindictive Ex finds out you are "getting a life" that they will mess it up even if it means making the child miserable which also creates a new need. How yours found out about this "new" relationship or is just making sure you don't have a chance to have one you have tough choices to make about how you are going to react.and not allow this to be part of your new life. YES, WAS UPFRONT ABOUT THIS! THE CHOICES ARE FOR HER NOT ME REALLY, IT'S MY REALITY HER CHOICE! It sounds harsh but you were in the wrong making a date when you thought you were going to be "off duty" while Mom was. Basiclly because you are NEVER off duty. Sure Ex Mommy Dearest was the scapegoat in this scenario but even if she had come through you still could have been called away by an ill child and you had no back up person. Bad form. I THINK THIS TO BE STUPID! WHEN CAN I MAKE PLANS THEN? IF A PLAN B INVOLVES LEAVING MY KID WHEN SHE NEEDS ME AS A PLAN B I WILL STICK WITH NO PLAN B! WASN'T ABOUT DAYCARE, YOU MISSED THE POINT! Also not having a fun alternate plan "B" for your little one was poor planning on your part. Just because Dad can't make Mom be a hero you have the opportunity to make your dating much less traumatic by making your private time safe, fun, and positive for them. Yea Mom bombed out but you should have not made it a crummy day where Dad was the helpless, angry, victim "all" day but the person who could have said "so what life goes on and later you are going to ______." (My personal favorite and certainly my sons was a family pass to the zoo. Sometimes we did it together sometimes they did it with a sitter. Sometimes They went just because dear old custodial parent me need a day to other personal stuff. Just because you are divorced does not mean you have to be care giver every moment you are not at work. ) WHO SAID I MADE IT A CRUMMY DAY? "DIDN'T HAPPEN" WHO SAID I PLAYED THE VICTIM? "DIDN'T HAPPEN" I THINK SOME OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL BAGGAGE IS IN THIS PARAGRAPH? Last and not least is how you break the news that you are not going to have to go with the original plan. Realizeing prepareing for a date is a big effort. People generally do have to make schedules to accomodate a date and it creates a void when, especially at the last moment, it doesn't happen. Bad news is generally not best delivered over the phone or even worse over text or email. While it might have taken a little effort it would have been much better to have asked a responsible person to spend a few minutes with your child while you went to her and possibly with and inexpensive card and boquet tell her you are sorry that your plans have to change but she and her time is precious to you. PROBABLY COULD HAVE BROKE THE NEWS BETTER, I KNEW SHE WOULD BE UPSET AND I WAS TRYING TO APOLIGIZE, BUT SHE JUST SAID LATER AND STARTED TALKING SMACK AND I WAS LIKE WOOOOO WAIT A MINUTE HEAR! So from your dates standpoint she is behind your child, your self, and your Ex. Not really too fair to ask her to make you first in her life if she is third in yours. YEAH WELL SHE IS FOURTH ACTUALLY I HAVE THREE KIDS! HOWEVER, I HOPE SHE WOULD RANK ME BEHIND HER KIDS AS WELL. THE EX IS JUST MY BAGGAGE, CAN'T HELP IT ALL I CAN DO IS BE UPFRONT ABOUT IT! I am not even going to get into the whole debate of when you introduce a child to the person you date as a love interest but one thing I guarantee you is anyone who finds you suitable enough to date will find it VERY OFFENSIVE to be told they have to prove they are the one to be around your child even momentarily. Think about the low lifes your kid runs into every day, some you know, but most likely many you don't; but you don't exclude every stranger in the world from your child so why someone you are social (maybe even sexual) with in a dateing relationship? How would you feel if a person refused to introduce you to her family like some back door gigilo? LOL, WELL YOUR WAY OFF BASE ON THIS ONE! FIRST OF ALL MY KIDS HAVE NEVER SEEN ME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE SO IT TAKES TIME! BESIDES YOU EXPECT ME TO INTRODUCE MY CHILDREN TO PEOPLE OFF OF A DATING SITE...WOW! NOT GONNA HAPPEN! THIRD CHILDREN GET ATTACHED AND I WANT TO BE SURE BEFORE I INTRODUCE THEM! I EXPECT TO BE INTRODUCED TO SOMEONE'S FAMILY WHEN THE TIME IS APPROPRIATE AND NOT SOONER. You can write this woman off as many of the people who will not live up to what sounds like truely unrealistic expectations or you can accept her genuine apology of not understanding your situation and try to make it a situation you both can live with. NOT GONNA HAPPEN SHE IS A BIATCH! I really doubt she sees your child as "Baggage" and that is what really matters right? Why not give it a chance and see how it works out. Working on seeing things from her side and BEING the best half of a relationship rather than instantly demanding it from another might actually bring you the happiness you seek. NOT INTERESTED ANYMORE! I'M FORGIVING BUT NOT GONNA MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN! |
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