Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

a carrot walks into a bar
the bartender shouts "we don't serve food in here!"

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, I'll take one. The man packaged the frog and said, Just follow the instructions carefully.

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over. Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:...

Listen to me I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."


After the first night wife told her husband:
- Bill, now I know why your company is called Micro soft...

i like Billy Connolly's a woman needs to feel loved to have sex, a man needs to have sex to feel loved, so a relationship requires a lie from one of you. and condoms smell like burnt rubber; or maybe thats just me.

why are ghosts such terrible liars?
you can see right through them.

Whats the best thing about dating a homeless girl?
You can drop em off anywhere.....

I love u,,,,,,,,,,,:-P ,,,,,,,,,,,gud joke na,,,,

a guy walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich,they sit at a table and then the man goes to the bar and orders three pints, after a while the ostrich goes to the bar and order another three pints. the bartender then curious listens to their conversation, the man and ostrich asks the cat to get the next three pints, the cat says he doesn't want to and then sends the man to the bar. the bartender says "why are you out with this cat and ostrich?" he then says
"i found a magic lamp, i rubbed it and a genie appeared and said he would grant me a single wish", the bartender then asked "what did you wish for" the man looking back at the cat and ostrich said "a bird with long legs and a tight *****"

lol
be careful what you wish for!

Too funny!!

why do weather veins have a cock on top of it?

because if it had a c*nt the wind would blow right through it.

lol lol lol lol lol that is funny!!!!!lol lol

What's the cheapest meat you can buy? deer balls. Wanna know why? they are all under a buck!

Why are (Illinois) redneck murders impossible to solve?
the DNA is all the same and there are NO dental records.

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze? "The bum said, "No. "The man asked, "Will you gamble it away? "The bum said, "No. "Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

lol, i really like that one

I'm rubbish at telling them. Though I love hearing them.

A lady who rate his man god in front of her friends do so because not only that he cares for her only but because he also good to her in everything including god style please reverse the god.

I've seen this movie I believe it's called "lost in translation" but your English is light years ahead of my profiency in your native tongue so still props