I remembered when I found out that my sister had been abused by her husband. Her neighbor told her sister who was my classmate, and she told me. We couldn't believe it then, but that explained the times when she had bruises and said she banged into the door, and all that excuses.

My dad confronted the husband and banged his fists on his car (my normally quiet and soft spoken dad....I had never seen him so furious) and my brother grabbed a chopper (I had to close the door and prevent him from leaving the house). This brought matters to the surface, and my sister left him, but he came and hovered around the house, apologized, begged for forgiveness and she returned to his side. Some of my siblings couldn't understand why..... but I respected her decision. But he hit her again and she left, and they got divorced. It was an on and then off again relationship for them over the years.

Now.......my question, if you knew someone is an abusive person, what would you as a friend, a sibling, a parent, or a stranger, do!

If your friend than gets into a relationship with this abusive person, would you warn her? Has he changed? If he has not, then?

I wouldn't want someone to have to go thru' hell and then only tell them that we knew!

The woman has to make the decision for herself.

Yes..... but before the decision making, as a friend, wouldn't you want to at least let her know what kind of a person he is?

Say, for instance.... he is dashing, he is handsome, he is rich, he is popular with everyone, and everyone thinks he is good, and so on so forth.... but they do not know about his temper, and his other bad points!

Only if I knew it first hand or of crimminal records domestic violence/batteries/assaults/restraining orders/sex offender. Otherwise it's just rumors.

I for one would not tell a woman he would be dating if it was I that was with the abuser before.

Him staying away from me is more important.


Besides, abused women usually do not take advice. They
must make the decision for themselves when enough is enough.
Co dependence.

for some strange reason, threats don't scare a male abuser, and a good ol' fashioned butt whippin' doesn't get the point across either. when the police arrive, the woman being abused takes the abusers side, and the good samaritan gets arrested for beating up the abuser. thankfully laws have changed around these parts, and on a domestic abuse call police have to arrest somebody, so no one has to lay hands on the abuser. (oddly enough sometimes the abused woman gets a ride to jail)

tealbreeze is right about the woman having to make the decision for herself. the average person, related to the woman or not, just can't give her the help she needs. the abusive male doesn't want any help, because he's never the one with a problem (his point of view)

i guarantee i guarantee that professional help is the only way to go in a situation like this, and even then, she may end up finding her way back to the guy. sad but true

(bulldog double guarantee - patent pending)

The thing is I know, he knows, she knows, we all know..... but she (the new gf) doesn't know. As a friend, shouldn't I tell her that he was such and such, and caution her?

What if he was worse than he was before, and my gf died? I would never be able to live thru that.

Yes, you know first hand.

But remember about co dependence....the book I picked up on it. Took me months to absorb.

And imagine, if you knew he was a brute, but out there in the social circle, everyone is gushing about how good he is, how kind he is, and how well he is treating his current gf, how lucky she is, and all in all, not seeing him for who he is. I swear I will not be able to keep my silence.

Goodnight, Ame. I hope your friend can see beyond him.

can your friend talk to your sister? sometimes you talking will end the friendship, because the friend doesn't know and thinks you are the bad person. this is a tough call, but emotional decisions are the kind of decisions better off not acted on. your sister knows him better and if she talks to your friend, she may be able to give her better information on what to look for if he hasn't changed. i know you want to help, but you don't dive into a body of water when you don't know how deep it is. godspeed, bulldog

These are just some of the cases that I know of. How much would you say meddling is meddling?

I once plotted with some friends to help a girlfriend out. Her husband had been beating her, and she had made police reports and wanted to leave with her 2 young sons. But he prevented her, kept her passport and I believe still abused her. She came on the pretext of visiting relatives and sought our help. We took her to the embassy, they helped her make passports for her and her boys, and told her where to seek help. They taught her how to keep her location a secret.....we were not even told where she went.

Would you say we helped break up the family or did we help an abused woman?

Thanks, Teal and Ese!
Hope to get some feedback....gotta get going to work too!

both, but either way the family is dysfunctional. in that situation, the woman wanted to leave, you didn't have to convince her to

Men who hit women are like dogs that bite... they just don't bite once. It is a serous character flaw that only gets worse.

I don't have a daughter, but if I did and her husband laid a finger on her.. yes I most certainly would get involved, whether she liked it or none. I have sons, and the same rule would apply to them.. I would protect my daughter in laws.

YOU NEVER HIT A WOMAN.. NEVER

If it was a friend, ( and even though it is none of my business) I would ask her if she was o.k... that I know what is going on and I would give her my opinion about that type of man. I would also offer to help her get help... if she needed it.

I would prefer a friend telling me to mind my own GD business as opposed to me not offering help... even if I lost her as a friend.

there is nothing you can do.
the person makes the choice to be with the abuser. many who make the choice to stay have come to believe that's what they deserve. it takes wanting to change and seeking professional help. often on a prolonged, ongoing basis.
when you try to talk to your friend or relative, they shut you out and cut you off.

also, you may only know one part of the whole story.
one of my close relatives was in a physically abusive relationship.
I happened to call one night because her son was due to have surgery the next day. I called to find out if we were meeting at the hospital or driving together.
her son answered the phone and said you have to hurry up and come over because mom and step dad are beating on each other in the garage.

I grabbed my car keys and sped over there. my brother followed because he wanted to make sure I don't get hurt.
I confronted my relative's husband and got between him and her.
my relative didn't let me call the police. we convinced the guy to go away and cool off.
she took him back the next day after her son's surgery.
she told my brother and me wtf were we getting into her business for.

what I later found out is she was the instigator. as if she thrived on that kind of treatment. she would do things on purpose to provoke him into physical aggression.

there is nothing anyone can do for that person except pray they find guidance.

Ive not much personal experience on the matter...Just my humble opinion based on some observations and thoughts on the topic of destructive addictive relationships...

Tho, it is true that it depends on the very person whether they DECIDE to WANT to leave or stay, for some people, there is already an attachment or bond formed with the source of addiction. This is no different from any relationship, good, bad or otherwise. Physical abuse is merely one that has an obvious manifestation of non-consensual violence, that makes it more alarming, and taboo in most societies.

Yes, it is co-dependent in a way. On one hand, the person seen as the "victim" must also feel that in some way, they are actually the "savior". On the other hand, some people have accepted that it is already part of their life, and to break away from it is not the best option, most likely due to logistics. And some might actually want to be in that kind of circumstance, because the alternative seems unacceptable.

It becomes very difficult to move away from such relationships because of the feelings of guilt, or even lack of self worth or the need for attention. Not easy having your conscience and desire as your own enemy.

Either way, abuser or abused, consensual or not, both parties have an emotional need that begs to be fulfilled. It just so happens, they feel that need is answered through this manner.

It takes a lot for someone to make either party change, without being scarred themselves, as you will need to both immerse yourself in order to empathize, and at the same time, be objective towards the situation.

It's one thing to tell them what for, and let them figure out how to sort the matter for themselves. It's a completely different ball game to be able to guide them properly and thoroughly on being aware of their entire situation, so that they can make the best decision for themselves.

Regards to all, and as always, corrections and opposing views on my thoughts are always welcome.

Logistics is right. As long as there are not enough resources made available to women, leaving a jerk is worse than staying, meaning impossible. It's all about the bottom line and logistics just like someone else said.

Let's stop portraying women as accomplices to the crimes committed towards them.

I had to make that decision when my ex got a new partner. I decided against it. Point is, she wouldn't have believed me anyway. Now their relationship is 'difficult' according to FB. I was mostly concerned about her daughters, knowing what he'd done to mine. But again, she wouldn't have believed me as he's a charmer, appears to be a nice, funny, charming and loving man.
And she got attracted to him for a reason... Usually such men prey on vulnerable women, meaning as long as she's vulnerable, she will not be able nor willing to let go. And not willing to believe me either. It will only backfire.
Most women who get abused don't listen to advice. Not even when they know it is true. They don't want to hear it. They got to become stronger and willing to leave. Sometimes advice from family and friends only makes her more adamant to stay with her man, the one she loves so much. Trying to convince everyone he's not all that bad, that he loves her blablablar.
So no...

Here are my thoughts. Even if you tell your friend every thing you know about this man, first hand,she will probably think that it is not true. Why? Because she might not have seen any signs of his temper yet. Remember he is probably on his best behavior right now. Also, she might think that you are being extra hard on the guy since your sister divorced him. You know how people take sides after a divorce. In an ideal situation a third party that knows of his anger issues might be able to convince her of the danger. Remember,anything you tell her, she will go straight to him and he will deny every thing you told her.
those types of abusers go after the types of women they know they can abuse and control.

All I know is if he lifts a hand towards me, he will lose an arm...