OleJeb, present and unaccounted for!

Bill Gates of Heaven or Hell?

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill.

"Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around,playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." As you desire," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver".

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you've been with a woman?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to spend some time with him. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time!)

A dog went to sleep near a railroad track, a train came along, cut a little piece of the dogs tail off.
The dog was very upset....he just stood there looking at his tail and crying...then another train came along and cut the dogs head off.

Moral: Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail!!!!

Three old men are in a retirement home. They were a somewhat grumpy bunch, as old men are prone to become, and after several years of living in the retirement home, they had come accustomed to spending the day complaining about everything from the weather to the odd smell of their respective nurses. On this particular day, they begin a graphic complaint session about their excretion processes.

"I wish I was able to pee without feeling pain," says the first old man.

"Just pain?" says the second old man. "I'm so constipated, I never have a regular bowel movement anymore."

"That's nothing," grumbles the third old man. " Every morning I have pee at 6 a.m. and then a bowel movement at 6.30 a.m."

"What are you moaning about then?" asks the second old man. "Your pipes seem plain and perfect!"

"Yeah, it would seem that way," replies the third man,

"...But, I don't wake up til 7am."

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some idiots wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Oklahoma, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Oklahoma?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but harlots and football players down there.

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Oklahoma."

"Really?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Who are your brothers and sisters?
Why did Jesus die?

Ephesians 2:8,9
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.

Jesus said "ye must be born again", and that involves repentance as well as faith.

Peace, Love, Joy

Good'un, Ms Teddy...How are you?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman Asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

Missing you already

May the Lord bless you

Dubz, you got it friend




Kim, when is your reunion? I'll do my best to get Cybear there.

Realy looking forward to seeing you (((MsTeddy)))

I recieved an e-mail today congratulating me .

"As a result of your visiting various websites we are running the E-business promotions for. You/Your Company
email address, attached to ticket number 719-226-1319, with serial number 902-66 drew the lucky numbers 5,
12, 30, 11, 17, 43 and Bonus number 12 , Your INSURANCE Number: FLS433/ 453L /GMSA
and consequently you won in the Second Category of the TOYOTA FORTUNE LOTTO DRAW.

You have therefore been approved for the payment of the sum of US$500,000. 00 in cash, including a Toyota
car which is the winning present /amount for the Second category winners. This is from the total prize money
of US$2,650,000.00 shared among the international winners in the Second category."

Now, just as soon as I get my new Toyota car and the half milion dollars, I'm gonna hit the road, visit my JSH friends.

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old boy, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and ...

... he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dang it!

...That's the third gay rooster I bought this month!'

"Be careful, the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful, the friends you choose for you will become like them." – W. Clement Stone

"Every man dies. Not every man lives. The only limits to the possibilities in your life tomorrow are the 'buts' you use today." – Les Brown

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." – Mark Twain

"Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new." – Brian Tracy

"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use." – Soren Kierkegaard

"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That's where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It's having backbone." – Robert Kiyosaki

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns telling their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was the first day with me hook."

OleJeb has been around over sixty years, and very proud of it.