-----As he sat down on a stool he noticed that
the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked,
"Sir, what will you have".

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed
the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,
interstellar space travel, the latest medical break-through' s, etc.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought
he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat.
Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

"A martini please".

Again it was superb. The robot again asked.
"What is your IQ sir" .

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

The robot started discussing NASCAR racing,
the latest basketball scores, and what to expect
the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time.
He left, returned and took a stool.
Again a martini, and the question,

"What is your IQ" This time the man drawled out,

"Uh... About 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...

A-r-e....... .. Y-o-u-r..... .... P-e-o-p-l-e. ........
G-o-i-n-g... ........t-o....... N-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...... ....
H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for cancer so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became.... a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with... stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they will.... always multiply.

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles..... U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did..... a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was..... on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out..... free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could...... jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought..... tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will?..... It's a dead giveaway

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.... then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was.... resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was.... Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a..... little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is..... pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take..... debate.

The dwarf fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a.....small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got..... twelve months.

I suppose the liberals are the happiest now, since all three presidential candidates are liberal...we are sure to have a liberal president.
My guess is that McCain will win because he is liberal enough
to get a lot of the votes of the democrats who are turned off by Obama and Clinton.
It doesn't really matter, nothing will change so long as Congress is so screwed-up and can do nothing. They can only agree on giving themselves a raise in salary and perks.
I know the prsident gets credit for the good and blame for the bad that happens during his administration. Someone. tho, figured out that there are 545 persons who are responsible for the mess our country is in. They are elected or appointed. Most of those who are elected spend most of their time getting re-elected, most of the appointed are there for life.

I was driving to work this morning when my Ford quit in the damp weather.

I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.

A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood.

Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds.

But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.

All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.

No damn way I was going to be pigeon-towed!

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting in the waiting room in a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No, but for the blood test, they will cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test."

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I
know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my
apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna: 'No, no, no...
I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

Ma was geting ready to leave the hospital after giving birth to her 12th child. Her doctor and several nurses gathered around to say bye and to wish her well. The doctor said, "well, Ma we'll see you next year." Ma replied, "no sir, I ain't a comin back." A nurse said, "aw, Ma you've come here every year to have your baby. Why would you not come next time?"

Ma said, "ain't gonna be no next time....me and Pa found out what's a causin um!"

Once there were two little skunks named In and Out. When In was in Out was out and when Out was in In was out. One day Out was in and In was out, mother skunk said, "Out I want you to go out and bring IN in". So Out went out and came right back in with In.
Mother skunk was amazed, "Out how did you find In so quickly?", she asked.
Out said, "It was easy mother, instincts."

Three guys enter a special swimming contest, each contestant was born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course.)

The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:

"Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then just before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

I love pie

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. The new boss is determined to rid the company of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against the wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is the chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week, why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and yells, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what the slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "That was the pizza delivery guy!"