How smart is your right foot?
Just try this. This will boggle your mind and you will try to do this over and over again to see if you can outsmart your right foot!

1.While stting there raise your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2.Now while doing this, draw a number '6' in the air with your right hand finger. Your foot will change direction and you cant stop it...lol

As stupid as this looks you will try it again to prove it wrong!!!...have fun!!!!!!llo

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

From: simsrd56@comcast.net [mailto:simsrd56@comcast.net]
Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2008 11:52 AM
Subject: VISITI don't know each of your personal political convictions, and apologize if anyone finds this offensive. I thought it was important enough to share.

This is Jeff's first hand view of Senator Obama.
---------- Forwarded Message ----------
Hello everyone,
As you know I am not a very political person. I just wanted to pass along that Senator Obama came to Bagram Afghanistan for about an hour on his visit to "The War Zone". I wanted to share with you what happened. He got off the plane and got into a bullet proof vehicle, got to the area to meet with the Major General (2 Star) who is the commander here at Bagram.
As the Soldiers where lined up to shake his hand he blew them off and didn't say a word as he went into the conference room to meet the General. As he finished, the vehicles took him to the Clam Shell (pretty much a big top tent that military personnel can play basketball or work out in with
weights) so he could take his publicity pictures playing basketball. He again shunned the opportunity to talk to Soldiers to thank them for their service.
So really he was just here to make a showing for the American's back home that he is their candidate for President. I think that if you are going to make an effort to come all the way over here you would thank those that are providing the freedom that they are providing for you.
I swear we got more thanks from the NBA Basketball Players or the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders than from one of the Senators, who wants to be the President of the United States. I just don't understand how anyone would want him to be our Commander-in-Chief. It was almost that he was scared to be around those that provide the freedom for him and our great country.
If this is blunt and to the point I am sorry but I wanted you all to know what kind of caliber of person he really is.
What you see in the news is all fake.
In service,
CPT Jeffrey S. Porter
Battle Captain
TF Wasatch
American Soldier

"Life's journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well preserved body;But rather to skid in sideways totally worn out shouting... "HOLY sh*t!! WHAT A RIDE"!!!...I

heh heh heh heh heh now thats funny...I needed that ty

Can I have her number?????

WOW! great stuff

thats not right!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO.. it means they read it...

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me!and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family ! was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Paul Harvey says:
>
> I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for
> singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin , but I didn't go
> out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his Theory of
> Evolution.
>
> Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because
> someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal?
> It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire Book of Acts. They're
> just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the
> players on the field and the fans going home from the game.
>
> But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue.
>
> Yes, and this is the United States of America , a country founded on
> Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches out
> number all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect -- somebody
> chanting?
>
> If I went to a football game in Jerusalem ,I would expect to hear a Jewish
> prayer.
>
> If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad , I would expect to hear a Muslim
> prayer.
>
> If I went to a ping pong match in China , I would expect to hear someone
> pray to Buddha.
>
> And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit.
>
> But what about the atheists? Is another argument.
>
> What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to
> pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too
> much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the
> concession stand. Call your lawyer!
>
> Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell
> thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football
> game is going to shake the world's foundations.
>
> Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our
> courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray
> before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray
> without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to
> cease praying.
>
> God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.
>
> The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we tell that one or
> two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority doesn't care
> what they want. It is time that the majority rules! It's time we tell them, You
> don' t have to pray; you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance; you
> don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your
> right, and we will honor your right; but by golly, you are no longer going to
> take our rights away. We are fighting back, and we WILL WIN!
>
> God bless us one and all ... especially those who denounce Him, God bless
> America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all. God
> bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and
> worship God.
>
>
> Let's make 2008 the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as
> the foundation of our families and institutions .. and our military forces
> come home from all the wars.
>

all time classic...."ERASERHEAD"...

Agnes is on trial for murder

Part of the trial transcript:

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Agnes: I am 84 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Agnes: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Agnes: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Agnes: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Agnes: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Agnes: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Mort died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Agnes: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Agnes: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Agnes: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Agnes: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Agnes: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Agnes was sentenced to life in prison but was let off on probation after bribing the judge with a radio.


The End…

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York . HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name had given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

And these people get ELECTED to REPRESENT others...

I tell you the stupid level is higher than a mexican fenceline.

read on:

A special meeting about Dallas County traffic tickets turned tense and bizarre this afternoon.

County commissioners were discussing problems with the central collections office that is used to process traffic ticket payments and handle other paperwork normally done by the JP Courts.

Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."

That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.

Mayfield shot back that it was a figure of speech and a science term. A black hole, according to Webster's, is perhaps "the invisible remains of a collapsed star, with an intense gravitational field from which neither light nor matter can escape."

Other county officials quickly interceded to break it up and get the meeting back on track. TV news cameras were rolling, after all.

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out.Both were very faithful and loving wifes,however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Barcardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee,so they stopped in the cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the womens husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,so he phoned the other husband and said:
These girl nights have got to stop!I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing"
said the other husband,MINE came back with a card stuck to her ass that
Said...
From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."