After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southerngentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sureare a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece ofass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped thegirl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added,"Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here rightnow, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the sametable and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'alljust did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ahcome from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need totrouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a

sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very

important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry

him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she

remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting

to marry her.


After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only

marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement

ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat

diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods

his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."


Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the

man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And

as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the

best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile.

He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New

York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and

says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."


Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary

knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time

to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition.

She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,

"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch

penis."


The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands

and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in

African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the

king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman,

"Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitc* out the window."

Well hello there honey...Can I buy you a drink?

Hey iused to live near you... I'm originally from a little town called CHester West virginia...
Ihave not been to one of those for years... wow bring back memories...

One day a man was doing door-to-door market research. He knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs uncomfortably.

He asks her why, and she replies, "You're probably the best lover I've ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

So the next day Pinocchio seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls!?"

Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed – apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the Kroger's anymore either."

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor? and your wifes o.k. with that" the old man replied,"Sure! My wifes an adult. In fact the lady nest door is over all the time, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"

After being in the lifestyle for some time, a couple has a heart to heart talk about if they are to continue swinging or not. The husband decides to take a walk out in the city and mull it over.

During his walk he runs in to a disheveled homeless man who asks for some money. He replies to the homeless man:

"If I give you some money, will you spend it on booze?" "No" replied the homeless man "I don't drink"

"If I give you some money will you spend it partying with you're friends like that guy in the van down by the river?" "Absolutely not" he said, "I gave up partying long time ago".

"If I give you some money will you spend it on a hooker?" "Not a chance" the homeless guy said" I'm just trying to survive here, I don't do those kinda things".

The man paused a second and said "In that case, I'll take you home with me and my wife will cook you a fantastic dinner". "I don't know" the homeless man replied, "I'm very dirty, I'm a mess and I smell bad".

"That's okay," said the man "I just want my wife to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, party or have sex"

of course back then minimum wage was .75 an hour...

I remember that when you pulled up to the pump a man in uniform ran out to pump it for you. It was .35 per gallon and if you got a fill up you received a six pack of glasses. Plus al lthe children in the car got a piece of candy. You could also go to the saturday movie and watch James Bond for .50..lol

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

I attended a Pentacostal church in southern Michigan who would ask the congregation about the problems and needs within the community. They would take up a collection and turn it right around and give it back to the needy. They would go out and find the people who really needed it, give it to them or help them wit hthe bills or food or shelter. Needles to say that church has grown enormously. I loved it

blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger

...is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? 'It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... And all in the name of humor!' The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shi# on your knee!'

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2 You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18./ I> Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

Now that made me feel old....

I feel so sorry for you and that experience you went thru ... That can be an indication of a control freak. But at least it happened now instead of later after you were deeply invovled.
All men and women are not that way. You will find thta special someone and you will be lost in love