as soon as her BF/Husband?significant other leaves for work...lol

WHAT?!?!?! that did not make you just want to catch the next plane and go???

ummm aaa can I have the stamp off of it...

Ahh freedom...I love freedom...lol

they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms. Men say, "Big deal, try faking a relationship just for a roll in the hay!"

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

there was a lady outside Indianapolis a few years ago who was trying to sell all of her grandmothers things. SHe had a painting that she had marked for $25. This guy tried to get her to sell it for ten bucks but she refused cause she felt it was worht $25. well after she closed the yard sale she was sitting at her desk with the painting beside her and just for fun typed in the artist's name...WOW!!!! the painting was worth $1.5 Mill...lol
so be careful...lol

Suddenly the horse stated to buck, and she lost her balance. Her foot got caught in the railing. The horse would not stop.
HELP SOMEONE!!! HELP ME!!! She kept screaming until the Walmart manager unplugged the plug.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the
past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because
lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs
including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking
your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot.)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...


Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the 'mouse'.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not
scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions,
of course..


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q . When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?

A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

These are great!!! Now I 'm glad to see it was all done in fun with tongue in cheek...If it was offensive, well I guess that says a lot about those who were offended. I'm sure if it was My EX wife/husband/BF/GF now that may be interesting...hmmmm.....

It was meant ot be funny...lol

these are pretty good....some new ones I aint heard...

ooo sneaky...

I know but they were fun then too!!!

Come on people! Lets have your best!!! I need new material...lol I know I will hear about this...lol

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him,

'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric.............

A small 3rd grade class is growing restless on a friday afternoon. The teacher decides that she should spice things up a little...
"I'm going to ask a couple of questions from the last week, and whoever answers them correctly can go home early."
Everyone in the class is elated as she asks her first question: "who was the first President of the United States."
the entire class eagerly waves their hands around, and the teacher finally picks Jose, who promptly answers correctly, and is excused from the remaining hour of school.
For the next questionthe teacher asks: "What is another name for H2O?" Again theclass is filled with Hands waving in the air. Maria is picked, answers the question and is excused from school early.
For the final question The teacher asks: "what is 9x9?" Hands wave wildly in the air, and the teacher chooses Pablo, who answers '81' and is let go for and early weekend.
Little Johnny who was sitting in the back of the class leans over and wispers to little Bobby, "Where in the world did all these mexicans come from?"
The Teacher hears the comment and is infuriated: "WHO SAID THAT?" she demands.
Little Johnny proudly stands up and answers her question: "Davy Crockett, and I'll see you on monday."

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him
out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason
he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million
bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language,
asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The Bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's
temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you
don't t ell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard
in Queens

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger."