ETA: Mods, please move this. I didn't realize it was in the wrong place. Sorry!

I asked my mother early on after my divorce why I couldn't find a good man. Her answer rang true, but also made me mad... BECAUSE it was true:

"Because you don't know yourself yet."

Can any of us ever really find happiness with another until we find happiness with ourselves?

So I set out to change myself. To become the person I WANTED to be. I started with physicality...

I used to pretend that I didn't care about physical attraction, but I found that doing so made me miserable. One must have EVERY aspect they want in a relationship, or one can't be happy. That includes physical attraction, like it or not. And if one wants someone who is physically attractive to them, they should, honestly, put the same effort into attracting.

If you want someone, DO something about it or quit whining. If that means improving your appearance, then do it. Stop bitching that people are shallow. That does nobody any good, including you. Physical attraction MATTERS. My roommate is always bitching about how he's alone and wants to find love. He's an AWESOME man, but needs to lose weight. We both know it. I've told him so a few times -- tough love -- and he says "yeah, yeah I know", but doesn't DO anything about it.

Anyway, I digress. I did something about it.

I lost twenty pounds, cut my hair, changed my wardrobe, changed my makeup... and was very happy with the results. Not just because I looked better, but because I felt like ME. My new look was the look I had always felt inside, but never brought out. It was perfect.

Then I started to focus on the INSIDE. Not nearly as easy. Not NEARLY.

I was so innocent and naive for a very long time, but I hated that, so I decided to teach myself about the world. I don't know if it was a bad idea or a good one -- I'm thinking a bit of both, looking back. But now, three years later, I certainly know a hell of a lot more about the world, and can say I am no longer naive. Good right? But around the second year I found myself becoming cynical and mean, which I had NEVER been in my LIFE. I had to make a conscious decision then. Did I allow myself to become like so many others -- mean-spirited, disenchanted, jaded? Or did I accept the good AND bad in life and refuse to let it get me down?

I had to chose number two, or completely lose myself. I WAS a nice girl... it was who I was. It IS who I AM. And I would never be happy any other way.

Am I different? Hell yeah. Like I said, I'm a lot more worldly now. Careful. Which is good. But I don't worry about things I don't need to worry about, either. And if someone's a jackass, I just walk away.

Also, and this has been a BIG one that's taken the very most time, I have had issues with men. Thinking they're all controlling ********. I have yet to really have an experience that disproves this, but I recently decided that's me, not them. I'm subconsciously LOOKING for that type because it's what I know and/or think I deserve. I've just come to the conclusion that I gotta change tactics, because the only thing in every relationship I have had that has been the same is me. So... logic dictates, right?

I guess my point is, nobody's going to make anybody else entirely happy. Nobody can base life's joy on another human being. Talk about pressure! And people wonder why relationships don't work? Find joy in yourself FIRST. Then you can find joy in others... and they can find joy in you.

ETA: Mods, please move this. I didn't realize it was in the wrong place. Sorry!

I asked my mother early on after my divorce why I couldn't find a good man. Her answer rang true, but also made me mad... BECAUSE it was true:

"Because you don't know yourself yet."

Can any of us ever really find happiness with another until we find happiness with ourselves?

So I set out to change myself. To become the person I WANTED to be. I started with physicality...

I used to pretend that I didn't care about physical attraction, but I found that doing so made me miserable. One must have EVERY aspect they want in a relationship, or one can't be happy. That includes physical attraction, like it or not. And if one wants someone who is physically attractive to them, they should, honestly, put the same effort into attracting.

If you want someone, DO something about it or quit whining. If that means improving your appearance, then do it. Stop bitching that people are shallow. That does nobody any good, including you. Physical attraction MATTERS. My roommate is always bitching about how he's alone and wants to find love. He's an AWESOME man, but needs to lose weight. We both know it. I've told him so a few times -- tough love -- and he says "yeah, yeah I know", but doesn't DO anything about it.

Anyway, I digress. I did something about it.

I lost twenty pounds, cut my hair, changed my wardrobe, changed my makeup... and was very happy with the results. Not just because I looked better, but because I felt like ME. My new look was the look I had always felt inside, but never brought out. It was perfect.

Then I started to focus on the INSIDE. Not nearly as easy. Not NEARLY.

I was so innocent and naive for a very long time, but I hated that, so I decided to teach myself about the world. I don't know if it was a bad idea or a good one -- I'm thinking a bit of both, looking back. But now, three years later, I certainly know a hell of a lot more about the world, and can say I am no longer naive. Good right? But around the second year I found myself becoming cynical and mean, which I had NEVER been in my LIFE. I had to make a conscious decision then. Did I allow myself to become like so many others -- mean-spirited, disenchanted, jaded? Or did I accept the good AND bad in life and refuse to let it get me down?

I had to chose number two, or completely lose myself. I WAS a nice girl... it was who I was. It IS who I AM. And I would never be happy any other way.

Am I different? Hell yeah. Like I said, I'm a lot more worldly now. Careful. Which is good. But I don't worry about things I don't need to worry about, either. And if someone's a jackass, I just walk away.

Also, and this has been a BIG one that's taken the very most time, I have had issues with men. Thinking they're all controlling ********. I have yet to really have an experience that disproves this, but I recently decided that's me, not them. I'm subconsciously LOOKING for that type because it's what I know and/or think I deserve. I've just come to the conclusion that I gotta change tactics, because the only thing in every relationship I have had that has been the same is me. So... logic dictates, right?

I guess my point is, nobody's going to make anybody else entirely happy. Nobody can base life's joy on another human being. Talk about pressure! And people wonder why relationships don't work? Find joy in yourself FIRST. Then you can find joy in others... and they can find joy in you.