I was just thinking, that maybe some people have something going on..that they don't even know about and it has an effect on their lives no matter what.

For example. I'm not sure about myself..to tell you the truth I feel like I lost "something" in the past 6-7 years that is not there or crippling me when it comes to making a relationship. I tried to figure it out what it is and I can't really hit this nail on the head, but my suspicion on that double loss that happened.

Both my grandma and my dad passed away (within months each other) , while I was dumped by my g/f at the same time. Soon after I quit my job , started smoking and sealed myself away from the public as best as I could.

But at the same time - and I was surprised about this - I was not breaking down, I mean, I didn't even cry when my dad and my grandma passed away, I could never understand why and I somehow never thought that it is effecting me somehow after all these years.

Is it possible that down in the subconscious level, all these events at once have inflicted damage psychologically on me, that caused all sorts of problems and still impairing me, although I just don't acknowledge it or I wouldn't be able to anyway?

I'm still trying to figure out if maybe I'm just looking for a reason why I am the way I am or whether such events could really cause that sort of a damage, even though it doesn't come to the surface - meaning- I didn't have a nervous breakdown and I choked it down at the time and just kinda worked itself into how I deal with everything?

I know this is a long thought and kinda personal, but I figured maybe someone else had a similar tragedy and misfortune and ended up with similar problems later on?

Get back out into the public...do volunteer work or join a gym.

Interaction with others will help you have the emotional release and outlet you need.


Best of luck to you...

Atlantis, I can completely relate to what you're saying. I went through a bad situation almost two years ago. I went from being a hugely social person, to a loooooong period of time in self-imposed isolation. Not complete isolation, but I had changed who I was. Not so much on the inside, but the way I was in the world had gone through a transformation I couldn't explain. I came to realize, in time, that instead of berating myself for this, I just let it be what it was, without forcing any sort of explanation as to why I was choosing to be this way.

The end result is that by allowing everything to happen as it did, I slowly came to be at peace with it all and let it take it's course. I gave myself permission to just go with the flow and not stress about any time lines.

The end result is that I'm now back to the same way I used to be only better than before.

Although I didn't suffer any losses (except losing my best friend when I was 15 and that prevented me from being a completely healthy teenager), I could say I have a similar experience in about the same time frame.

About 6 years ago I had to end the relationship with my first and only girlfriend and it felt like ripping my hear out with my own hands, then shortly later I met another girl I liked, a single mom with a 6 year old daughter. The girl was fine, but it was the daughter I really fell in love with - to the point when the mother would say “let's go to the disco” and I'd reply ”let's stay home and play with the little girl”. Seeing that, even her parents welcomed me in the family in no time and I even liked them too, so it felt like winning the lottery, and being somehow "refunded" from my past relationship I invested so much in.

The only problem was that she didn't like me so I had to end it again, and it felt like ripping my heart out again. Meanwhile I lost my job because with all this stuff going on I can't really say I was spot-on, and of course instead of understanding, my bosses threw me away - not by doing so officially (they couldn't by contract) but by compelling me to relocate 1000 km away. All this in just about 3 months. Like I said in another post, I felt annihilated.

Then, many things changed in my head: most for the better, some for the worse.

I spent 6 months alone and unemployed, only going to see my family once every two weeks or so. My alone time wasn't bad though: I spent my time studying, I had some job interviews but I turned many jobs down because I wasn't in a rush to find another sucky job, and I started cultivating a relationship with a former crush's boyfriend who was so cool he quickly became my best friend. We were so close we even started thinking about doing business together, but then some incomprehensions creeped in, and I had to cut that relationship as well. That time, though, it didn't feel like ripping my heart out because I was getting kinda used to it.

At that point I decided to seriously go get a new job, as soon as I found a decent one my professional life "rebooted", I could put all I had been studying to good use and every time I went to a job interview, *I* was deciding, not the other way around. Since then I've had 3 jobs, I was hired without hesitation every time, and when I quit it was on my own decision, because I wasn't satisfied. I grew very confident of my skills.

On the other hand, though, I never had neither a date nor even a close friend since. I became as picky with relationships as I was with jobs, and still am to this day. I'm very quick to think “she's not interested”, very slow to make friends (I'm nice to pretty much anybody, but I never go seek anyone and instead wait for people to seek me), and as if that weren't enough, I'm thinking about quitting my job again because despite my colleagues loving me for solving so many problems, I think my boss is an idiot and only uses me for 1/3 of my potential.

So what did I become? I don't feel unhappy, but I seriously feel something is greatly out of balance. My job is my only source of happiness, I'm actually *glad* when monday comes (not that I don't like weekends, I just work on other things), and I haven't got a single significant relationship be it a friendship or -god forbid- a date. I feel like I've become a machine, and as a machine I can't really feel sad about it, but at least I can tell it's wrong because I'm supposed to be a human being.

But today, as soon as some feeling is implicated, I just go numb. I listen to people, usually make them feel at ease, but they can feel that despite my availability to listen to them, I don't really care anymore. I don't really know how they feel about it, but on the other hand, I don't really care either.

Last but not least, last year I had an accident with my motorbike, broke my wrist badly, and ended up with some permanent damage. Today I have a hard time playing my keyboards because of that, but I'm thinking I'm cool with it: all in all, it's just some physical damage preventing me to do something that I used to enjoy. It's not the worst thing in life: in retrospective, my emotional damage is much older and much worse.

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

"I Am A Rock"
Simon and Garfunkel

http://www.lyricsfreak.com

I know exactly what you mean Bro. I have had similar issues. My ex cheated on me while I was at my brothers funeral. I also think everyone will handle things the way they see fit. It just takes a little time...........

I've found myself burnt out on people. Online, I can ignore them if I don't feel like logging on.

I've cut myself off from friends in person because any more they just irritate me. I hate when I lose respect for friends in general because then they start bouncing on my last nerve.

I really could go the route of a hermit very easily. Access to internet for the times when I felt like being social but that's about it.

I think this comes from arriving at a place where you're very comfortable with yourself and spending time alone. Doesn't mean you're anti-social, just that you'd rather not put up with other ppl's crap anymore. That's a good thing, don't you think?

Oh certainly.

Of course, it could be total disgust at humans in general. Having to deal with their abuses on one another, animals, the planet etc.

Okay EQ, when you are feeling all hermitized
I will find you and force feed you happy
cookies. They are rose colored :-)

Hi sou, Although I know you were kidding, I have found there is a lot to be said for learning to be your own best company. I have moments (very few, but they do happen) when I feel the same way Equus does. They pass, and life goes on.

Yep, I second that. I totally favor the extinction of the human race as it would be a big gain for the planet, and coherently, I don't plan to reproduce.

Though I don't think that's gonna stop me from trying.

I am going through the same thing [emotionally] even though the things that were horrible happened years ago it didnt take an effect on me until later years. i think it's because we stuffed them so far down back then that now theres no more room for anything else. the problems is tying to fix it and how to overcome them.

Grief of my wife's passing took out the barrier I had to the sharing of my emotions. It had even made me think and feel the emotions caused by the two divorces to the a different person before who I had two children with. It reminded of some of the emotions and feelings I have of my alcohol and drug addiction decades before. Friends off-line and on-line thought I should have went through the hospice experience experience with my wife's passing but I did go through the grief share experience on a weekly one day a week experience at a church. It was like a quest to become real. Some of the stuff opened up in me by grief had never been opened up even at my own birth. It was like wow I have never experienced anything that hurt so bad in my whole life. I can remember my older sister crying at my father's funeral. But it was like my father had the answer to that when he said at a more earlier time to my sister when my sister asked him why I didn't cry when dad ran over my closet friend who was my dog. He said that I cried inside and not outside. But it was different when my soul mate died. I bawled like a baby and it didn't matter who was there. It was like when Pinocchio said I am a real boy to the angel who granted him life. Grief made me human and I had never really felt that way before it seemed. It reminded me of the movie the Matrix where Neo was told "Welcome to the real world" and the reason why my heart never felt like pain of that kind was like when Neo was told that he had never used his muscles before; It seemed like I had never used my heart to love with before. Something just snapped that was supposed to have worked when I was a child but didn't start working till the grief happened to me. I wanted to think take it back it back I had lived without a real heart for so long and why did I need one now when all it ever does is just hurt. Its been five years now and almost 800 poems of trying to describe the human feelings that came to me because of grief. I guess I had just become used to being a puppet but because of the grief I have no strings on me as Pinocchio said.