Hello my name is Nicole. I have an unusual circumstance and question the right thing to do. I identify as a Lesbian Christian Female, who is very morally honest and loyal. I believe in treating others as you wish to be treated. However, I have one tini tiny issue and I'm just not quite sure how to handle it correctly.

This question for genetic females only please.

I live full time and identify as a lesbian female and I am legally female as well, however I was born male. I certainly do not wish to mislead or hurt anyone, however, I've tried the straight out with approach and it NEVER had a successful response. As long as I identified as a Trans-Woman, that's exactly how I was treated. As a woman I have never been treated as just a woman until recently. And, because I am a huge advocate and activist for the trans community, its only recently I started identifying simply as female.

So, my question is this, if I identify as a female, and I am legally female, legal female name, half-way through my transition with both male and female parts, what is the proper approach to dating exactly?
Is it wrong to get someone to know me first before telling them the entire circumstances of my life? Would you be angry if you liked someone very much, then suddenly found out about this?

Any post or comments are greatly appreciated, but please be kind and understanding. I wish not to upset anyone.

Nicole

Nicole,
Yours is a delicate issue. There are almost as many responses to your question as probably the people you would ask.

I come from the unique view of having known closely what is a pretty good number of people over the years from children to adults that live with this circumstance.

As a Woman and a Mother and a even a helping professional I continue to come back to the concept that you are and always will be some of everything you are past, present, and future. In your case that is to have been blessed with a rare perspective that allows you to have perceptions that will make you a richer more developed person and anyone who can not give the totality of who you are acceptance and understanding is missing a gift from God.

But as all gifts, true treasures, there is a time and a place to bestow such gifts. Not unlike any other person who has private experiences in their sexuality I think it is a wise course to not put it out there before you are known as a Person first.

It may take some effort to not lead into the world by gender. There certainly is a tremendous pressure to do so on so many levels but if you become a person to people first I think you may lesson the degree of rejection you have experienced. I am not saying it is an easy task or that it is really possible even completely desirable to not have a gender identity I think with time and practice you will find it easier.

That said I think to thine own self be true. You are a woman and bringing that empathy, kindness, gentleness, nurturing feminine side into the presentation that you are more than you might seem is not only wise but being honest and the true ownership of being not just female but a woman. You don't have to put every detail on the table to anyone who is not intimately involved in your life but I would be lying to you that perception is what most often is a lie of omission and still a lie that hurts others and I believe it is wrong.

You can not spend your life educating everyone and even with education you are going to still run into people who just can't wrap their head around anything out of their sometime limited experiences and indoctrinations. I find in my nearly 60 years of being the exception to so many rules that it would make you dizzy the more truthful you are the less exhausting rejection and abandonment you subject yourself too and the fuller your life will be. I don't believe in wasting energy where it won't make a difference. I don't think anyone can be on duty all the time as an advocate no matter how noble the cause so pick your battles.

I learned a long time ago some habitat's are more hospitable than others. That you can thrive better and longer if you at least have an oasis where you are accepted and welcomed. That is not being cowardly or betraying what you have worked so hard to become either. It just means you chose not to make every moment of life a battle. Contrary to popular belief the only definition of being a woman or a person in general is not to be a warrior.

I don't know your experience but mine is the transgender community is growing and families an friends are opening horizons that did not exist even a short time ago so please do not close yourself in any corners just because sometimes it is comfortable to have that security but there is nothing wrong with nurturing yourself with people who bring accepting others into your life.

I would gently remind you that there are many people on Mingle that have a variety of gender identifications. Many are not just based on their physical bodies but not exclusive of that either. Since I doubt many people are really so childish in todays world to assume much and I hope you won't either because you might be cheating yourself out a great person in your life.

Since you are still mid transition physically, something that is often an prohibitively expensive and lengthy process I doubt you will find yourself all that unique if you get in any urban area but I think it might be worth researching.

That you identify as a woman is no surprise to me since it sounds like that was your core regardless of how you were born. I just kind of wonder how it is making you less if you do for the rest of your life identify as a trans-woman. It certainly isn't less of a woman on any score card I have.

For the heck of pondering it flip the script; would a woman be any less of a woman because she was born only a woman? Since I personally think we all have an element of both genders in conception and in our thinking I sincerely doubt it. Maybe some yahoo has decided that brain is gender assigned but I am not buying it. I have been accused of thinking like a man and I assure you as perfect as some women I have seen are they sure don't do it for me.

I will say I have met a couple Trans Men and until I was told I could not have told a difference. Nor would I have cared.

One thing about ageing especially much further than I am and I am no spring chicken gender identity will fade and all this drama you are going through figuring it all out will probably be almost humorous to you.

And I think in whatever is past this world there is no gender identification. In fact I kind of think gender is pretty much some kind of cosmic joke that we have not quite mastered in evolving past. Maybe it is actually to make us ponder something irrelevant ooccasionally just so we wont take it all so serious.

Well that is my two cents worth. Hope it is food for thought. Remember you are what you are and it's AOK.

Although I did propose the question, I certainly disagree. Everyone has the right to minimal disclosure from the first hello. Being forced to self identify as anything less than female is humiliating and de-humanizing. But, its my thoughts and most recent method to share the truth if the person seems interested. 99% of the time by the second phone call. BTW, ITS NOT ILLEGAL! ;) wink..