Jokes.. For 50+

1-
This is my new neighbor: LOVELY gal... She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door...I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and tells me, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she added, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
It's no fun being old!

2-
Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."
"No problem," responded the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on, and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," answered the second bee, and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How did it go?"
"Great!" exclaimed the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," answered the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

3-
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she told me, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old -- and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses? This card is membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I answered, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!" The line went quiet; her friend picked up the phone and told me that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!

4-
Desperation!

As I was driving home this week and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends��lives, and what is happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary, Jeb, Trump, Fox News, and how America is so troubled, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower

Not bad for a beginner.

Good ones.

Aww.. Thanks guys. But I can not take the credit. These are from another site where people 50+ post send them anonymously, & they then are posted & pass around.

If anyone has any, anonymous or not, please feel free to post them.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (FOR THE AGING LOL)
The missus bought a paperback
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag. . . .
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared,
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip.
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip!
Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek,
But Mabel hasn't weathered well:
She's eighty-four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
But things soon went from bad to worse:
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet
A couple minutes later,
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
(Now if you knew our Mabel
You would see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.)
She stood there nude and naked
And bent forward just a bit.
I went to hold her, sensual-like
and stood on her left ***!
Well Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out,
My God, what had I done!
She moaned and groaned, then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more
Of what occurred that day,
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

"I'm at the stage where if a body part doesn't hurt, it probably doesn't work, either."

I don't know who said that originally, but I've said it many times.

It sounds like either Rodney Dangerfield, Jack Benny or George Burns

It sounds like either Rodney Dangerfield, Jack Benny or George Burns

Heard you the first time, not deaf yet.

What was that you said ?

OMG !!!!

Ladies don't say things like that.

Life is a circle


At age 4 success it is about not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is about having friends

At age 16 success is about having drivers license

At age 20 success is about having sex

At age 35 success is about having money

At age 50 success is about having money

At age 60 success is about having sex

At age 70 success is about having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is about having friends

At age 80 success is about not peeing in your pants.


* anonymous*

Which reminded me of the old "I may not be as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was."

Social Security

What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?
Social Security

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." -Bill Maher

The Mexican government has the best social welfare system in the world. No forms ... You share the same social security number with all your amigos.

Social Security Sex
Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going.
The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies," Eh, i'm having social security sex."
His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks "What the hell is social security sex?"
"Yeah well I get a little every month but its not enough to live on."

A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day, they visited a Cheese farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.

The young farmer��s wife gave them a tour, a cheese making demonstration, and finally some samples. As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.

She said, This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?

An old lady piped up, Honey, they take us on bus tours.

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life!
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues...
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time I'll hold the pigeon and you crap on its head!!!

......and you were thinking??

Number one was fantastic lol....being on the male end, I'm always horny and this would push me over the top. It would be so frustrating to have someone do this to me.

Sex In The Eighties ?

A little old lady , well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk,
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."
"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"



* No I didn't write that
I just laughed at it *

An elderly gentleman was trying to find a place to park his Mercedes in Town one evening on his way to the theatre. After he had spent sometime driving around the block he saw a place to park, he pulled just ahead of the vacant parking space and was about to reverse in, when two young guys in a Mini darted in to the parking spot.
As they climbed out of the Mini, they were both laughing and shouted over,

" You have to be young and with it to do that Grandad!"

The elderly gentleman smiled, then slowly reversed the Mercedes in to the parking space, completely crushing the Mini in the process, as he climbed out of the car he said,

"You have to be old and rich to do that"

(Well, I thought it was funny)