I have seen this very often that the lady will come to your house and then things start changing and especially the change will be in you. Why do all women want to make some changes in their lover?

Product enhancement?

It's like buying a car and then wanting to put upgrades on it. It's a way of personalizing your new ride, so to speak.

A man finds a woman and hopes she won't change. A woman finds a man and hopes to change him. And life rolls along.

Pretty hard to improve on perfection I say..lol.wink.

You did not specify if they were good or bad changes!

Wow elegantly put but still those were the features they loved before

But still you won`t change the things you loved once in your car. I won`t

That`s right but why? We also don`t like so many things in them but we didn`t ask them to change for us

Well nancy, why any change? It is fine to point out stuff and let us decide but then why to force a change? I respect you so I will consider you point and if I like it I will change but why to force it

Hmmmm...It appears maybe you haven't found the right match yet...If you don't like the changes that are suggested move on...It's your life

I wish I could defend women here but I think women like to clean and spiff things up. We do it with our houses and we do it with our men. It's a dreadful thing to do to somebody.

LOL..I am not saying that changes are bad but still "change if you love me" is like forcing which I feel is not a right approach. So only I am asking people that is there logical reason for women to do this

I understand that, cleanliness is a good thing and most man love to keep their surroundings clean. But forcing to change someone is not a right way in a relationship

That question is answered in the movie As Good As It Gets.

It's nice when they teach their dogs not to eat your cats.

I do not know. It seems like guys I dated acted like they really liked me, then started in with you are too chubby, don't talk right, etc ect. and they would go up and down leaving nice messsages and mean ones on my phone, saying do not call, call, ect, then acuse me of playing games because some girl they knew told them I was.... figure???? I just try to be friends and keep it that way, and casaual friends if they act like that, if even friends at all, because though they say they are at least friends, I do not treat anyone that way and is it wrong to want respect? I like my weight, myself and who I am and have no desire to change. I think if people want someone to change that person should be thinking it a good change too, otherwise I tell people politely maybe they are looking for someone else? Like puzzle pieces, no matter how lonely, some do not fit and maybe with someone else they would be happy.

yes, if they teach their dogs not to eat your cats that is good, I aggree. I love my cats and have one fellow friend I would date here, but he has a cat eating dog that would love to eat all my cats, so we just talk and hug if we see eachother around, but that is all. Friends are great too and help make life better.

Everyone does this.
Some are more aware of what they are doing than others.
Some communicate it more directly than others.

No one knows who the other person is from the very first moment.

There is never a point in any relationship where someone can't surprise you with a new facet to their personality, react to something in a way you didn't expect.

Not to mention, people aren't static.
They change constantly.

IMO the only problem people have with change is they don't receive immediate benefits from it and have to exert immediate conscious effort (lose something) to enact it.
The easiest example of this would be how someone feels if their partner said:
"You're too fat. You need to lose weight."
vs.
"I'm joining a gym, I can get two passes for the same price, I would like you to go with me, okay? We eat out all the time and it would help keep our pants fitting so we don't have to buy new ones plus it's good for our health. That's all I'm worried about."

Big difference between "I want you to change solely for my benefit" vs. "I want you to change, and you will achieve a benefit."

It's all the same.


Blame society and all the stupid movies.
Too many people have been told to "know what they want!" as though that's anything other than a retards mantra.
Stupid people build up an idea of who they want.
They then find those traits.
But don't realize that there are no absolutely positive qualities.

Your guy is highly romantic? Always knows what to say? Tells you the wonderful things you love to hear? Great, he knows how to use words to avoid responsibility. He charms people.
He's friendly and outgoing? Great, you never know if he's just being friendly and nice to other people or interested, because he acts the same way with others as he did with you the first time you met him.
Only you weren't around people very much for the first 6 months so are only learning it now.
He's funny as hell, can always make you laugh, and never feel lonely?
It's a tool he developed to keep people at a distance so he never had to learn how to communicate.
And it's past the honey moon stage and there are decisions and responsibility and feedback that is necessary to deal with but he keeps deflecting with humor.

Crap like that.

It's one thing to "know what you want" but that is asinine when it comes to other people and it's put to practical reality.

Knowing what you want usually means you have no idea how to spot who someone really is.
As it allows someone to avoid thinking about what motivates the behavior, and how to conceptualize the person as a person beyond a judgmental bias.


Sometimes it's as simple as communication sucking in the relationship. Like "I didn't want you to go shopping, I wanted you to want to go shopping."

They can't determine the actual motives to behavior, but if it's a certain type of motivation then changing to new behavior isn't that hard.
e.g. if his humor is really based on being funny, happy, enjoying life, and not a defense mechanism, then taking things more seriously, or trying new things, wouldn't really be a problem, but if it is a defense mechanism then he's not going to change he's going to use it to defend himself against change.

Sometimes the demand for change is just a demand for better feedback on what's going on and what is motivating a person.


Of course, examples are extremely important when discussing a desire for change.
I mean there's a huge difference between "I want you to develop a six pack and go get plastic surgery or I'm dumping you!"
vs.
"I want you to stop playing video games all day then calling me for sex at 1 am or I'm not going to see you anymore."