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| Topic: Expectations, yes or no? | |
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Expectations are such weird things. We all have them, many try to not have them, but that proves to be very difficult.
Some say it's wrong to have them, but is that really true? Are there certain occasions where it's perfectly fine to have expectations? What would life look like without them? Would we still do something in life? Expecting A-Z from your partner for instance may be wrong, but is it wrong to not have any expectations from your partner at all? What do you think and how do you deal with your own and other's expectations? |
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That is right, everyone has expectations from others in their life. I believe the closer the person is to you the more you start expecting from them. The problem comes when the expectation blows out of proportion or when people start thinking that the other person is same as them. My trick is to be less dependent on the other person so the expectations are simple and be open in relationship. Study shows that the more two people talk or know each other, the more understanding they become and hence know what is expected from each other.
Ofcourse you learn by mistakes too, so if you miss then probably you will be told what you missed so make a note of it. Relationship is hardwork 
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Some say it's wrong to have them, but is that really true? Not as an absolute. I expect a date to end without me being stabbed. I expect they speak English. I expect they will at least try to be active rather than passive. Are there certain occasions where it's perfectly fine to have expectations? IMO the problem isn't the expectations so much as some people holding others responsible for them. e.g. "I expected sex, we didn't have sex, she's a tease." Expectations are usually good things. They are what motivates good behavior. No different than dogs. You expect good things to happen, you act positively. You expect bad things to happen, you defend/protect yourself. Also, the problem is holding expectations as immutable and not subjective. "I expected him to introduce me to his friends, his parents, his family, but he didn't, therefore something must be wrong, and he's not serious about me, because that's what people do who say they are your boyfriend, all my past boyfriends followed that pattern." What would life look like without them? Scary. Would we still do something in life? Yes. But it would involve a lot more violence since nuance would be eradicated. "Are they going to try and kiss me or kill me? I don't know what to expect. Better just forcibly restrain them and do what I want, making the question moot." Or "Okay, that will be $3.75." "So?" "So you hand me $3.75 and you can leave with your groceries." "...How do I know you'll let me leave the store? Maybe you'll just take my money and then forbid me from leaving then resell the groceries I pay for. I see a security guard over there." "Fine. Never mind. Leave the groceries and get out." "This whole thing was a game to get me here?!?! What's that security guard going to do?...Are you going to try and steal my kidneys for the meat department? What's going on! What's going to happen?!?!" is it wrong to not have any expectations from your partner at all? It's not "wrong." Not having any is pretty much a guaranteed way to kill a relationship with most people. Some people do want absolutely no expectations as they see them as automatic responsibility, but they tend to kill relationships for other reasons. If you try to have absolutely no expectations from your date or partner you can't pay attention to them and you have to distance yourself from their behavior. As soon as you notice any type of consistent behavior, you will grow to expect it, so will notice when it changes. Without expectations based on observing their consistent behavior then all of their behavior will be mysterious, you'll never understand what's going on, you'll start thinking everything they say is a lie, and you'll be stressed out constantly. Or you'll keep yourself at a distance, safe, and not care, and they'll just go away to find someone who acts like they care. how do you deal with your own Very carefully but sometimes poorly. and other's expectations? I try to figure out if they're based on my behavior, or socially trained experience, or personal bias. How they were formed. But only when they seem to be manifesting as a problem, especially with communication. |
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Some say it's wrong to have them, but is that really true? Not as an absolute. I expect a date to end without me being stabbed. I expect they speak English. I expect they will at least try to be active rather than passive. Are there certain occasions where it's perfectly fine to have expectations? IMO the problem isn't the expectations so much as some people holding others responsible for them. e.g. "I expected sex, we didn't have sex, she's a tease." Expectations are usually good things. They are what motivates good behavior. No different than dogs. You expect good things to happen, you act positively. You expect bad things to happen, you defend/protect yourself. Also, the problem is holding expectations as immutable and not subjective. "I expected him to introduce me to his friends, his parents, his family, but he didn't, therefore something must be wrong, and he's not serious about me, because that's what people do who say they are your boyfriend, all my past boyfriends followed that pattern." What would life look like without them? Scary. Would we still do something in life? Yes. But it would involve a lot more violence since nuance would be eradicated. "Are they going to try and kiss me or kill me? I don't know what to expect. Better just forcibly restrain them and do what I want, making the question moot." Or "Okay, that will be $3.75." "So?" "So you hand me $3.75 and you can leave with your groceries." "...How do I know you'll let me leave the store? Maybe you'll just take my money and then forbid me from leaving then resell the groceries I pay for. I see a security guard over there." "Fine. Never mind. Leave the groceries and get out." "This whole thing was a game to get me here?!?! What's that security guard going to do?...Are you going to try and steal my kidneys for the meat department? What's going on! What's going to happen?!?!" is it wrong to not have any expectations from your partner at all? It's not "wrong." Not having any is pretty much a guaranteed way to kill a relationship with most people. Some people do want absolutely no expectations as they see them as automatic responsibility, but they tend to kill relationships for other reasons. If you try to have absolutely no expectations from your date or partner you can't pay attention to them and you have to distance yourself from their behavior. As soon as you notice any type of consistent behavior, you will grow to expect it, so will notice when it changes. Without expectations based on observing their consistent behavior then all of their behavior will be mysterious, you'll never understand what's going on, you'll start thinking everything they say is a lie, and you'll be stressed out constantly. Or you'll keep yourself at a distance, safe, and not care, and they'll just go away to find someone who acts like they care. how do you deal with your own Very carefully but sometimes poorly. and other's expectations? I try to figure out if they're based on my behavior, or socially trained experience, or personal bias. How they were formed. But only when they seem to be manifesting as a problem, especially with communication. Very insightful, thank you! I believe I agree with you. It really isn't black & white, is it. 
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We learn and grow through expectations..
Through youth, puberty, adulthood... And all that ciretom said..... |
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Hmmm..I have very low expectations..
This way I'm not disappointed..lol.
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This topic made me very reflective crystal
My personal expectation management system revolves around the following... 1. keeping my performance HOPE of myself and others REALISTIC to MY and THEIR abilities and and EVIDENCE OF WILLINGNESS. Very often people are capable of certain tasks but they deminstrate with ACTIONS that they are NOT VERY WILLING. A lack of ability in theory is vastly different from a lack of willingness, but the end result in my opinion is exactly the same 2. Keeping my expectations moderate , meaning that I balance the HOPE belief that ALMOST ALL great things are possible, but that SOME great things are NOT PROBABLE. And again , the probability hinges on people's abilities versus the EXTENT of their willingness. When I mentally prepare for the worst , I get so many unexpected joys when people surpass my expectations . And on the flipside , I dont get horribly disappointed when they dont fulfil my moderate hopes. I call my approach to expectation " Cautiously optimistic , where I am always hoping for the best, but I mentally prepare for the worst. Its an emotional contingency plan , one might say. I also see a huge link between expectation and our personal and respective needs and this reqies a great amount of observation, reflection and honesty with oneself and others. Look at the following scenario as an example A person may expect a co worker, or a mate or a friend to change some undesirable behaviours because the person has a valid need. The coworker etc may also expect a change in behaviour from the person because they also have a valid need. The person will have to communicate their need to the other person, and see if they can mutually agree on a solution. Afterthat agreement and promises are made for change, both have to observe and reflect on DEMONSTRATIONS from the offensive person over time , that show that they are in fact both ABLE and WILLING to make the desirable changes. After reflecting both will have to be honest with themselves and admit that although there is a valid need on both ends ,. One or both parties CANT or WONT meet the others needs. Both must then decide how to minimise interaction with each other if possible. Many peopke decide to stay in the relation ship and keep badgering the other person to change and keep HOPING that their promises to change will eventually materialise into action. This is a very unhealthy way to handle unmet needs and expectations. When we have done all within our power to meet a person's need and that person is still not satisfied , or a person is not meeting our need whether out of lack of willingness or ability, tough decisions of severing ties or minimising interactiins must be made . Or if the exoectation relates to a job or opportunity, then alternative avenues must be explored |
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Wow.. someone ^^has a lot of expectations .lol.. I'm just happy if they show up for the meet and greet..lol
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Edited by
Annierooroo
on
Thu 03/10/16 10:11 AM
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Expectations sets the boundaries. They are like guidelines.
When I first meet and greet I don't push them on to others but when asked about things yes they come out because they are based around my values and beliefs. I do respect others who have them. |
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@ Peggy, yes, it is a complex subject, isn't it!
@ Annie, partially agree ... like expecting to be treated with respect for instance But if you expect your partner to cook every day, or to notice when the laundry needs to be done and then also do it ... Not sure if that is okay. I think esp in relationship a lot can go wrong when both have (too) many expectations of the other. Often people don't even communicate them, just have them and expect them to be met. It's almost as if there's good expectations and bad expectations. I think good expectations tend to be more open, leave room for the other, whereas the 'bad expectations' are more demands and maybe even easily transgress into taking the other for granted. Difficult subject. I wonder if there's any books written on it  I spose Jung would have a good explanation and interpretation of expectations. |
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Yes, life would be much easier without having certain expectations.
Unfortunately, it’s very, VERY hard to truly not have any expectations...especially if you experience has taught you to epect certain things. Try as you might. What is it they say? “Expect the worst, but hope for the best,” or is that “Epect the best, but prepare for the worst?” I can never remember. |
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Yes, life would be much easier without having certain expectations. Unfortunately, it’s very, VERY hard to truly not have any expectations...especially if you experience has taught you to epect certain things. Try as you might. What is it they say? “Expect the worst, but hope for the best,” or is that “Epect the best, but prepare for the worst?” I can never remember. I think the saying is Expect the best Prepare for the worst Take what comes 
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Wow.. someone ^^has a lot of expectations .lol.. No Doc, what I wrote above wasn't a lot of expectations. They were just were a lot of words!!!!  I am oppressed with the curse of long-windedness. (As well as using too many caps) 
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 03/10/16 01:48 PM
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@ Peggy, yes, it is a complex subject, isn't it! @ Annie, partially agree ... like expecting to be treated with respect for instance But if you expect your partner to cook every day, or to notice when the laundry needs to be done and then also do it ... Not sure if that is okay. I think esp in relationship a lot can go wrong when both have (too) many expectations of the other. Often people don't even communicate them, just have them and expect them to be met. It's almost as if there's good expectations and bad expectations. I think good expectations tend to be more open, leave room for the other, whereas the 'bad expectations' are more demands and maybe even easily transgress into taking the other for granted. Difficult subject. I wonder if there's any books written on it I spose Jung would have a good explanation and interpretation of expectations. I have to admit Crystal that I am very simplistic when it comes to issues concerning my expectations of a mate and his expectations of me. For me expectations are directly co-related to needs. In my opinion, I don't think there is a good or bad expectation. Nor is there a good or bad need. I simply see it as an issue of two adults knowing what their needs/expectations of each other are, and expressing them to their partner. If one person or both parties are unable to express , understand , or fulfil each other's needs/expectations ,and they have done everything within their power to resolve the issue , including maybe getting help from a counsellor, then I think the relationship will either self destruct or forcibly come to an end . Ofcourse the emotions and decisions stemming from the needs/expectation reality is complexed but the fact of expectations/needs not being expressed, understood, or fulfilled is pretty clear cut. But...I did warn you that my thinking was simplistic in this regard. |
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Wow.. someone ^^has a lot of expectations .lol.. No Doc, what I wrote above wasn't a lot of expectations. They were just were a lot of words!!!! I am oppressed with the curse of long-windedness. (As well as using too many caps) |
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Perhaps if other 'pect's are included, expectations might be tempered and have less problematic potential.
Ya know, like introspection and respect. |
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Wow.. someone ^^has a lot of expectations .lol.. No Doc, what I wrote above wasn't a lot of expectations. They were just were a lot of words!!!! I am oppressed with the curse of long-windedness. (As well as using too many caps) No harm done Doc. My halo filters out the juicier parts of your discourse
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Placing expectations on others leaves us in a vulnerable position,, sometimes we can set ourselves up to be hurt and let down and sometimes full of resentment when those expectations are not met.. People are human and sometimes fail us..
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try going into something
anything without any expectations I don't care if it's a job interview a date or a trip to Disney World you gonna have expectations 
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Well.. truth be known !.I place high expectations upon myself and those around me.. especially at the workplace.. I always expect the most.. from myself.. and I expect the same from those that work with me...
Same thing can be said when I'm at home ,I have certain expectations I have high standards and I .. expect my boys to set standards and have certain expectations of themselves.. as far as meeting new people goes. . I have certain expectations in that area as well... I expect them to show up properly dressed.. I have expectations that they should at least be able to carry a conversation ... and I expect that they will want to at least get to first base with me before the date is over... if not my expectations will be crushed..lol |
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