Hoping for some honest advice from you wise ones

Here goes.

I've been seperated since March and it's definitely over with divorce pending. I was married 21 years so it's been and still is very hard to recover from. But I'm willing to move on and hope to love again one day.

My problem is my life is pretty complicated. I live in Turkey mostly but have been in the UK quite a chunk of this year. I went on a date for first time in 21 years and kind of didn't give it a chance but we've stayed friends. He brought up the issue of me going back to Turkey (I travel tomorrow) and I wont be back till xmas.

I might meet the man of my dreams in Turkey. Who knows? But to be honest there are very few unmarried ex-pats especially in the age group I would prefer. And I don't think a relationship with a Turk would work - been there, got the t-shirt etc.

So am I asking too much for a guy to get to know me by text or telephone or Skype with a view to meeting up sometime in the future?

I don't have any kids but that doesn't mean I don't understand how children and grandchildren will be a big factor in any relationship I have.

I'm an adventurer and don't follow convention. When I met my hubby it was love at first sight - a holiday romance - but I gave up a well paid job to fly across the world to be with him without any hesitation and lived in pretty squalid conditions coping with cultural differences and difficult in-laws. But I don't regret any of it. For me life is to be grabbed with both hands!!!

I need a man who can take a risk and go for it. Someone who is brave and not worrying about every fine detail of the future. Does this type of man exist or am I living in cloud cuckoo land?

I don't think that's impossible. You seem like a really nice person and I'm positive there is someone else out there for you!!!!

You are not looking for the impossible in my opinion, but until you are divorced and not just separated, it will put some guys off a more serious relationship. I would not date and enter in to a relationship with anyone that is separated, because I would feel their previous relationship was not completely ended until they were divorced and free to marry again.

Welcome to Mingle2 and good luck in your search.

I think you're putting way too much stress on this "will I still be able to find someone" bit.
You haven't been alone for that long, don't expect things to happen overnight. Take your time to find your feet again, take your time to start dating again and to feel comfortable with it without immediately expecting to meet prince Charming, but just to enjoy and have fun.
If you can just let go a little bit and enjoy the process, your chances will increase.
And there's no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't meet someone. The right guy won't mind getting to know each other via phone, internet etc. If it's right it's right. Simple as that.
No, you're not living in cuckoo land, but do what you say you do: grab life with both hands and enjoy it. But don't let having a partner define that you enjoy it or not.
Be happy, love life, love yourself, then it'll come. And accept it may take some time. Could be next week, could take another 2 years. But if you're truly happy and grabbing life with both hands, does that matter?
If you can manage that attitude, it may come sooner than you think.

Thank you for your input so far my friends.

I suppose it seems early days and maybe I come across as been in a hurry. But my marriage has been over for years. It just was a case of having the courage to end it. Timing is not important. I am enjoying my life and embracing the new experience of being single again. I just wonder if my unusual circumstances will put most guys off??

The seperation issue - yes that's probably a problem but my husband is the one holding off. I am pushing to get it all done and dusted so we are both totally free.

I'm not saying that if for example I met a guy in the UK I would not move back to the UK to give it a fair chance. But equally why shouldn't I hope for a man willing to join me in my life?? I've crossed oceans for love - it would be nice to meet someone as brave.

But I'm realistic. The practicalities are difficult.

I'm not ashamed to say I want a man in my life though. Maybe I just need a cuddle-buddy

I don't know all the ins and outs, but I don't really see why your situation would be particularly difficult. You haven't got kids, you're willing to move if need be.
Why worry about things that aren't even in your life now? Things that may never even become part of your life? You may meet someone who's willing to come to you, work out a way with you so you can be together. Then you spent all this time worrying about something that never happened...
Just let it slide a bit more, enjoy the whole process and cross bridges when you get to them, which is not now ...

And realize that at this age we all have our own things that could be potential obstacles to love. When we're 40-50ish we all have had a life and we are all more settled in a specific situation than when we were 18-20ish. For instance a job that wouldn't allow someone to move to another area. When you're young you often aren't settled in many ways yet.
What I mean is, you're not the only one who has 'obstacles'. The guys you will meet will likely have those as well. Then it comes to maturity to have understanding for each other's situation.

In any case, stop worrying and thinking about it so much. Just know you'll cross that bridge when you get there. In the meantime enjoy. Have fun, date, flirt.

I agree. You're absolutely right. I'm overthinking this - that's probably my biggest fault. I'm going to work on that. Just going to try and stay in the moment

Thank you - I appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion.

Your penultimate line starts 'I need a man' and goes on to say 'who is brave and willing to take a risk.

Firstly you don't need anyone, secondly brave and taking a risk makes it sound like an ordeal, we're not getting dropped behind enemy lines, it's just a relationship we're talking about.

It just sounds like you're a little uptight and maybe if you relaxed a little and didn't worry about it so much you might have luck finding what you want.

I just find that words give off vibes and can give the wrong impression. Good luck and all the best.

Oh dear is that the impression I give? Uptight?

I'd better re-phrase that. I don't NEED a man. But I'd like to fall in love again one day. I'd like someone to snuggle up with in bed. I've got loads of great friends for hugging and affection but they are just not up for spooning

I laughed out loud at "we're not getting dropped behind enemy lines, it's just a relationship we're talking about." True you're right but I am still in recovery from 21 years of "just a relationship" and it's really scary territory to me. I don't know what I'm doing - all I know is I'd rather be brave (that word again) and put myself out there than lock myself away with my cats knitting scarves

Yes. Kinda.

I mean

You don't see how those two desires are kinda contradictory?

The type of guy that takes risks, gets up and goes for it, doesn't sweat the details of the future is not going to be a guy that sits around on the computer, sweating fine details of your life and personality in order to meet someday possibly in the future to avoid risks.

People that take a risk and go for it are doing so because they need something now.
Any guy that takes risks, goes for it, and doesn't really worry about the future, is still going to be doing that all while talking to you for weeks, months, years, on the internet.
That simply turns you into an option, and if nothing in the now pans out, then maybe he comes and meets you.


Most people try to avoid that, IMO.
That, more often than not, means they are kind of a vampire.
You aren't really their equal, you're their tour guide, abductor, or mommy.
Any problem that ever arises is ultimately going to be your fault for sucking them up into "your" life.

If you truly want someone "to join me in my life" then you'd be best off looking for a young boy toy, arm candy, that you can drag with you wherever you go, while realizing that it's only going to be for a short time unless they become absolutely dependent on you to provide their life and identity and they'd be completely lost without it, but you will be dealing with resentment.

For a long time they will shower you in love and caring and anything you want as a means to fulfill reciprocity in the social contract.
You provide them "your life" they provide you with their "love."
As soon as they've decided they've paid you enough, they're going to start giving you less while demanding more. Assuming you haven't grown tired and dropped them for someone new by then.


You sure?
Because this: "a guy to get to know me by text or telephone or Skype with a view to meeting up sometime in the future?" is about as conventional as it gets.


Your circumstances really aren't unusual.
They don't seem to be any different than someone that focuses on their career.
Whether you spend most of your time in Turkey, traveling, an office building, or the other side of a large city, what difference does it make.
Your circumstances are simply "not readily available, not convenient, flighty."


Again, I think you might be better off going after someone young.
You "crossed oceans for love"...seemingly 20 years ago after falling in love at first sight.
But now you want to sit on the internet, the telephone, and skype, hoping that someone gets to know you...THEN cross oceans for a meeting, and then hopefully fall in love at first sight after having gotten to know you.

You seem to want someone who is what you were 20 years ago, but you want a guarantee that's who they are before you decide anything.
The only people that are going to fulfill that criteria are those that are young; not too sure about themselves or what they want, and are willing to overreact to their emotional compulsions in order to keep chasing them.


Everything kinda reads like you are trying to get people to validate the idea you have of yourself that you're brave, while looking for a human cat.

Turkey, eh?
Indeed a small market for what you want.

A dating site can work for you though,
because you are so up-front about what
you need.

Lay it all out on your profile..they
will come :-)

Ciretom

Wow thanks for the in-depth analysis of my situation and obviously unreasonable expectations. I'm a pretty open person and have laid bare some factors (but far from all) of my life to ask for advice but don't think by reading my post you know me or who I am as an individual. Whilst I might agree with some of your analysis you made a number of statements that made me cringe as they are so out of line with my character and values.

I never meant to imply that I expected a man to cross the ocean to meet me. My expectation is I would meet up and spend time with them in the UK and if we hit it off depending on their circumstances and if he desired he could make a new life with me abroad. If his circumstances didn't allow that I would return to the UK. My own circumstances presently do not allow me to return to the UK full-time. His bravery would be giving it a chance knowing the obstacles are there.

I don't think I'm asking for the moon. When I met my husband there was no internet with skype and messengers, no mobiles, just snail mail and very expensive land line calls. But we coped. Modern technology makes long distance relationships so much easier.

"As soon as they've decided they've paid you enough, they're going to start giving you less while demanding more. Assuming you haven't grown tired and dropped them for someone new by then."

I am so astonished by that statement. How did I ever come across as a cougar desiring a toyboy who would tire of him and move onto someone new. OMG if that was the person I am I'm in the perfect country so all this angst would be unnecessary. Young gigolos are ten a penny in Turkey and it's the last thing I'd want.

"Everything kinda reads like you are trying to get people to validate the idea you have of yourself that you're brave, while looking for a human cat."

Believe me I'm brave. I don't seek validation from anyone in here because I know exactly who I am and what I've had to deal with. I have been through hell this year and I keep fighting. Yes I'm scared of the dating arena but I'm trying to face my own insecurities. But dating is just one of the challenges in my life and not the most important. I certainly don't want a human pet. I am happy with my cat as a pet.

Thanks again - I guess the simple answer was Yes you're asking the impossible

Thanks - I'm beginning to realise I'm a bit too up-front maybe and open to misinterpretation

I'm not having any problem with getting chats and views - the problem is when we get to the subject of me returning abroad. And I fully appreciate that. Why would they want to be bothered? relationships are hard enough without that obstacle in the way right from the start.

I kind of regret bringing up the subject

Hi! I tried to msg you privatley but I couldn't... which I totally understand. I wanted to tell you much more than I will here, cause, as you already experienced, you are exposed to misinterpretation and getting some comments that will make you cringe...
We have many things in common and I feel I totally understand what you mean. I also met my husband during holidays and married him after 21 days. Maybe that was crazier than brave! lol
We were happily married for 21 years. It took me almost 4 years to open up to the idea of loving again because, as I said, I was happily married.
Now I'm not looking for someone in the area, not even someone who speaks my same language (Spanish). My family is spread around the world and I'm willing to move if I found that special someone and he is already settled in his country. Long distance is an issue because a mature man will not just meet you here and fly away with you. Both of you will need time to get to know each other (Skyping, texting, mailing) to the point where at least you feel that spark that jump starts all the rest. A high % of people are looking for someone in the area, someone they can meet in the short term, but there is a minority that will take time to get to know you, if they get to see you as a special and worthy lady far over the distance thing. So stay positive, enjoy your freedom (while it lasts, lol!) and it will come. I wish you all the best! Monik

Personally, the "separated " will turn more men off than the distance thing. In our age group a lot of men aren't turned off by it.

I have been in a LDR for 17 months... It works for us...
When we started complicating it is when we broke up for 6 weeks. Now we keep it simple and it works for us.

Honestly I also have found when I am "not" looking is when I have had the best relationships. I know for me it was something that just reached out and smacked me.


I also am going to give you my opinion on looking.. Right now if I was you and I have been there... I would get used to being single and living on my own for a while. Really decide what I wanted and then slowly get back into the dating world. Then I would do it casually, that doesn't mean hook up it means casual dating, I would take my time.

Somewhere along the line some people think that as we approach our mid 40's and upwards that we are in a rush. Why I wonder...

Thanks Monik and yes we seem to have much in common. Don't know why you couldn't message me?? wow both rushed into marriage but lasted 21 years :) So we are good advertisements for how LDR can work

I guess I'm just impatient to move on. I don't want to fall into the trap of getting nostalgic over my ex. But there's no rush. I just feel a bit uneasy. Where I live there are a lot of predator types who think a newly divorced or seperated woman is easy pickings and desperate

Ummm.You pay for my airfare I'll be glad to meet you in Turkey..
Ohhh.. that reminds me Thanksgiving is coming up soon..lol

Somehow I think you are too wise for that trap..
I know I still care for my EX but there is no way in hell I would go back and we are great friends. But lovers so not going to happen again.

oh I think they are everywhere in both sexes.. like wolves that smell a fresh kill snicker...

And I don't think you are desperate..