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| Topic: To love or to be loved | |
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Edited by
SparklingCrystal đź’–đź’Ž
on
Fri 04/07/17 12:36 PM
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I have been in both situations and neither is an option.
In either case there is one party who isn't happy, doesn't want to kiss, cuddle, doesn't really want to be together, be close, be intimate. Not sustainable. This is why we have the option to split. Because it's our birthright to be happy as opposed to becoming unhappy in a one-sided relationship. So I'd choose to be love, and leave. . . . |
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dont chase anything....it hurts alwayz.....replace....all great love stories ended with tragedy....love r leave ...depends on that particular situation....without reciprocate nothing is valuable....love is the bridge between you and everything...
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Tough choice. I think I would choose to be the one who loves, and is not loved in return. It would make me feel vastly worse to know that I am the reason someone else feels so bad, because they care for me, and I can't reciprocate. I can handle ME feeling bad. I am on board with this, well said Mr. Igor. |
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Edited by
Duttoneer
on
Mon 04/10/17 01:33 AM
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In ideal relationship both partners are equally emotionally committed to each-other, but often life goes the way that one partner is willing to give more than the other. If you would have to choose, to be the one who loves, or the one who is loved, which one would you prefer to be? In the beginning of a relationship, I would choose to be loved which I feel is being selfish, but if the relationship was becoming more long term, I would start to question my own feelings and consider if they were really the right person for me, because if feelings of love are not reciprocated in the longer term it would probably not work in my opinion. I would not want to find myself in a one sided long term relationship. |
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Most of my life I would have probably opted to be the one who loved . Because that kind of sacrifice and duty was ground into me as just what women do.
Then I got a taste of what it was like to be loved and while I could not do the one way thing I know I could not go back to only being the one who loves. It grinds you down and I just don't have that kind of strength at this stage of my life. (Doesn't mean if I found myself in a onesided relationship that I wouldn't me strong enough to take my rbber duckie and aai away. ) |
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Thank you for all for honest answers!
Now I will explain why I came up with this thread. Hopefully I won't offend anybody's feelings now. This is just my point of view and probably won't coincide with the views of others. I looked how thread after thread people said they are looking for love, for friendship. Saying what their future partner should be or not should be. Counting traits and flaws. Making full lists of expectations. Does it really works this way? Should I be compatible with someone's list to get through to the next round? No, this is not for me. I have to admit, I have been on both sides in my life and neither of them made me happy. Being loved by a man I didn't love and hadn't any feelings towards him is very complicated and knowing that you hurt him with inability to respond to his feelings just caused guilt and despise against myself. Being in love to someone and expecting to receive at least some feelings for return made me unhappy also. After being a single for a while, dealing with myself and my own issues I realized I don't need a partner for completing myself or making me happy. So I stopped looking for it, looking for someone who should make me happy. Who does that? Who puts such a burden to shoulders of someone you love?... expectation that the one should make you happy? So, after letting that all go, I realized, love is only about giving, not receiving, not expecting to get anything to return. This is constant state of mind, and it is unconditional. Doesn't mean if it's your child or friend or family member or partner. Somehow we are capable to forgive mistakes and flaws of our children and still love them the same way. But we are not capable to do it with our partners. Why? Because of expectations, because we make our partners responsible for our love and happiness. And when they do mistakes, don't act up to our expetations, we are hurt, disappointed and unhappy. But is this a real love then? Now I have became a giver. I love and I'm extremely happy about it. Yes, he is very special, he blows my mind. And he has made the biggest gift to me he could ever do, he lets me love him. And that's all I need to be happy in my life. |
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Is it possible to continue in a loveless relationship and I guess the bigger question would be why one would subject themselves to this . we all deserve to be loved Maybe deserve is not the best way to put it I guess we would all "love " to be loved.I see no point in being in a relationship where love is not reciprocated eventually I think resentment and a sense of loss would eventually overwhelm possibly causing one to stray in search of what it is that individual seeks which usually results in just making a bad situation worse jmo Life is too short to go unloved |
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In ideal relationship both partners are equally emotionally committed to each-other, but often life goes the way that one partner is willing to give more than the other. If you would have to choose, to be the one who loves, or the one who is loved, which one would you prefer to be? Always have been the giver ... it seems ... but now I will wait for the Ideal .. 
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No offense but to me "giving" without any expectations at all and being content with your own love thing doesnt sound sincere at all. Not the first time I hear it, and from what I've seen so far this "noble" feeling got to come to an end sooner or later. Why? Because that "unconditional" love, in my opinion, is synonym for maternal/paternal love, or the love people feel for their parents. Anything other than this, especially a romantic love cannot be that unselfish. As it has been emphasized several times in this post, for a continous, happy, healthy (or whatever you want to call it) relationship, a shared/mutual love is an essential part. If the situation you're in isn't likely to turn into a relationship but will go on as you "giving" and your special guy "receiving & letting you pamper him" then I believe you will end up getting sick & tired of not being shown any of the affection you offer him, no matter how strongly you believe in your self-giving love. How long would you put up with it if he's in love or falls for someone after a while? Do you think is there any way you two can start a relationship someday? If so, maybe it's hope that makes you believe your love is completely unconditional. And what exactly do you mean when you say he "lets" you love him? Who the hell is anybody to tell you what you can feel for them? I'm not a smartass & prefer to keep to myself for the most part but couldn't help writing this when I read your last post. It seems like a new trend that people should condemn themselves to unhappiness in the name of love & it's friggin annoying to witness this. Anyway,best of luck!
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No offense but to me "giving" without any expectations at all and being content with your own love thing doesnt sound sincere at all. Not the first time I hear it, and from what I've seen so far this "noble" feeling got to come to an end sooner or later. Why? Because that "unconditional" love, in my opinion, is synonym for maternal/paternal love, or the love people feel for their parents. Anything other than this, especially a romantic love cannot be that unselfish. As it has been emphasized several times in this post, for a continous, happy, healthy (or whatever you want to call it) relationship, a shared/mutual love is an essential part. If the situation you're in isn't likely to turn into a relationship but will go on as you "giving" and your special guy "receiving & letting you pamper him" then I believe you will end up getting sick & tired of not being shown any of the affection you offer him, no matter how strongly you believe in your self-giving love. How long would you put up with it if he's in love or falls for someone after a while? Do you think is there any way you two can start a relationship someday? If so, maybe it's hope that makes you believe your love is completely unconditional. And what exactly do you mean when you say he "lets" you love him? Who the hell is anybody to tell you what you can feel for them? I'm not a smartass & prefer to keep to myself for the most part but couldn't help writing this when I read your last post. It seems like a new trend that people should condemn themselves to unhappiness in the name of love & it's friggin annoying to witness this. Anyway,best of luck! I'm not offended. We all have right for our own opinion and this is yours. I agree, shared and mutual love is the best option for both parts, especially if they are intended to get involved. Loving somebody doesn't mean that I'm ready to give up of my own life, putting myself into someone else's service, giving up of my own hopes and dreams. Love is just how I feel about somebody. Of course, if it isn't mutual, then there's no point to start relationship. We both can move on, but that doesn't mean, that I should change my feelings about him. People often condemn themselves to unhappiness with too high standards, looking for perfection in partner, having high expectations to relationship and end up with disappointment over and over again. And as they were unhappy in relationship, they are unhappy as a single too. I'm far from being unselfish, but I won't make anybody else responsible for my own happinness. I am happy, believe or not. |
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Edited by
Piscesmoon02
on
Sat 04/22/17 05:53 PM
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Thank you for all for honest answers! Now I will explain why I came up with this thread. Hopefully I won't offend anybody's feelings now. This is just my point of view and probably won't coincide with the views of others. I looked how thread after thread people said they are looking for love, for friendship. Saying what their future partner should be or not should be. Counting traits and flaws. Making full lists of expectations. Does it really works this way? Should I be compatible with someone's list to get through to the next round? No, this is not for me. I have to admit, I have been on both sides in my life and neither of them made me happy. Being loved by a man I didn't love and hadn't any feelings towards him is very complicated and knowing that you hurt him with inability to respond to his feelings just caused guilt and despise against myself. Being in love to someone and expecting to receive at least some feelings for return made me unhappy also. After being a single for a while, dealing with myself and my own issues I realized I don't need a partner for completing myself or making me happy. So I stopped looking for it, looking for someone who should make me happy. Who does that? Who puts such a burden to shoulders of someone you love?... expectation that the one should make you happy? So, after letting that all go, I realized, love is only about giving, not receiving, not expecting to get anything to return. This is constant state of mind, and it is unconditional. Doesn't mean if it's your child or friend or family member or partner. Somehow we are capable to forgive mistakes and flaws of our children and still love them the same way. But we are not capable to do it with our partners. Why? Because of expectations, because we make our partners responsible for our love and happiness. And when they do mistakes, don't act up to our expetations, we are hurt, disappointed and unhappy. But is this a real love then? Now I have became a giver. I love and I'm extremely happy about it. Yes, he is very special, he blows my mind. And he has made the biggest gift to me he could ever do, he lets me love him. And that's all I need to be happy in my life.  That's beautiful Sip and the way it should be  Oh, and thank you! Thank you for reminding me of what I had always strived for in my life, but somewhere down the road I lost my way.
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Edited by
Lofthildur
on
Sun 04/23/17 06:39 AM
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The point isn’t if I, anyone else or even you “believe” it. After all, it isn’t about belief but what you really feel. You and I aren’t on the same page although we seem to agree on some points. No use in repeating them but I will state for the last time why I find that kind of a statement insincere.
I simply do not believe we can love without expecting anything in return (we may not have the courage to confess the hope, dreams or any expectations that come with love, even to ourselves. After all, on average, people lie to themselves 40 times a day and it goes unnoticed all the time) because saying so, in my mind, is lying to gloss over an issue about one’s self (maybe not being able to find the happiness you have as single when you are in a relationship, so it is better to love from a distance, avoiding all the problems that come with a relationship) or a way of justifying your decision keep someone in your life with whom you have no real chance to start a relationship ( like meeting online and living far away or the loved one being way younger than the loving or the fact that the loved one being in love with someone else, etc). I’m sure you’re so happy right now and naturally defensive of your feelings and object of desire but the unhappiness I mentioned is the one you’d feel in the long run if he doesn’t grow on you or decides not to let you love him anymore for any reason. Only time will show how honest you're to yourself and how that situation will end. |
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Edited by
SipSik
on
Sun 04/23/17 07:19 AM
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The point isn’t if I, anyone else or even you “believe” it. After all, it isn’t about belief but what you really feel. You and I aren’t on the same page although we seem to agree on some points. No use in repeating them but I will state for the last time why I find that kind of a statement insincere. I simply do not believe we can love without expecting anything in return (we may not have the courage to confess the hope, dreams or any expectations that come with love, even to ourselves. After all, on average, people lie to themselves 40 times a day and it goes unnoticed all the time) because saying so, in my mind, is lying to gloss over an issue about one’s self (maybe not being able to find the happiness you have as single when you are in a relationship, so it is better to love from a distance, avoiding all the problems that come with a relationship) or a way of justifying your decision keep someone in your life with whom you have no real chance to start a relationship ( like meeting online and living far away or the loved one being way younger than the loving or the fact that the loved one being in love with someone else, etc). I’m sure you’re so happy right now and naturally defensive of your feelings and object of desire but the unhappiness I mentioned is the one you’d feel in the long run if he doesn’t grow on you or decides not to let you love him anymore for any reason. Only time will show how honest you're to yourself and how that situation will end. Yes, we are not on same page. And it's OK. You are right, time will show. I believe that negativity creates negativity and positive thinking creates positivity. What you give, that you get. But that doesn't necessarily mean that source of the love I get should be the same person I love. And who says I can love only one person? To be in relationship... yes, only with one. Share romantic love.. yes, only with one too. But I can love as many people I choose to. I don't need to wait until or if he will grows on me. Yes, there is always option to wait until your sublime partner will appear and you will fall in love mutually and live happily ever after. I choose not to wait and be happy right now. |
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Maybe better to both give and take equally. problems arise when you get one who doesn't know how to give , receive or both
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9911057287
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In ideal relationship both partners are equally emotionally committed to each-other, but often life goes the way that one partner is willing to give more than the other. If you would have to choose, to be the one who loves, or the one who is loved, which one would you prefer to be? Rarely equal love in a couple's relationship. One who is Loved. In the past I was the one who loved. |
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I prefer to choose both but if I cannot choose both, I prefer to chhose none.
I'm always a giver. When someone is important (whether a friend, a family member or any other), I always make him feel that he is but sometimes it hurts when you know that after all you did, he cannot appreciate. When he hurt you with his words. When you felt use by him. When you know that he's taking advantage of your love. I am happy if someone loves and appreciates me but I don't want to hurt people especially those who love me. If I choose to be loved there's a risk that I will end up hurting him especially if I am in love with someone else. I can be good and kind at him but still he can feel things. I don't wanna be selfish. As much as I wanna be loved, I know that I am not deserving of it so I will let him go. He's deserving of someone who will love him as much as he loves. Better to choose none or better to choose both. It's always nice to love and beloved. 
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In ideal relationship both partners are equally emotionally committed to each-other, but often life goes the way that one partner is willing to give more than the other. If you would have to choose, to be the one who loves, or the one who is loved, which one would you prefer to be? wow...would be nice if it were that clear cut...first i don't ascribe to love as a quantity like water in a glass where one has more than another...that giving and not giving is what you add as an expression of that feeling...asking the other person to have the same attitude regarding what is an acceptable expression of love can really be problematic and unachievable...I question whether compatibility requires having the same attitude about what the quantify of giving... my 3 dollar bill |
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It has never worked for me if both of us didn't want to be committed to it.
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To love..
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