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| Topic: Such hostility toward "Separated" | |
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I get there are RARE situations that it is grossly unfair for a variety reasons to force through a divorce and in many situations loss of marital benefits (insurance/credit) on one spouse or the other or even dependents.
Sometimes extended periods are needed for education or equity to accrue in upside down mortgages. Especially if critical care hangs in the balance as it often can when families fall apart around a major illness. Many people don't know there are situations you can NOT divorce an incompetent spouse. Or get a settlement if they have not selected a medical power of attorney. Or when divided income may mean a morgager calls in a debt for critical shelter or transportation. Are these "arrangements" fair to the greater community who live by the standard rules? Probably not to the unfortunate person who trips into these "stand by" relationships but then our legal system doesn't have much flexibility to offer true justice in all situations. And some don't care if their short or longtime status I'd a convienance. I do think it is very difficult for children to cope with these unique situations and parents have to have pathy and selflessness in conducting their personal lives. And I think it sends a poor message about " promises" and core values about human value when a spouse becomes a non-person if they are incapacitated. Which is why I strongly recommend keeping your personal lives off the very public web. People who think their kids do not have to "account" for their out of the norm behavior are really kidding themselves. The degree of children being publicly shamed for their parents "choices" is anything but funny. And is becoming a serious contributor to school failure, drug an alcohol use, and suicide. Relationship "rules" have exceptions and real life isn't a one answer fits all deal. |
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Edited by
Duttoneer
on
Tue 04/11/17 12:42 AM
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I have dated a few women pending divorce or separated with no problems...but it seems like a big problem for most others... Your opinion? I would not date someone who is only 'separated' because it cannot go any further than dating if you wanted it to be more than that. I am divorced and I would expect them to be divorced if they had been married, because until that happens they have not closed the door on their previous marriage, they are not free to marry again. I can speak from experience that that is not true. For example, my first marriage (the relationship) ended in 1995 and then we went our separate ways , seperate homes, seperate lives,,,because we both struggled too much financially to feel any urgent need to get others involved legally. When I met someone I thought I might eventually want to marry again,,,it was 2004, we courted and when I started feeling this might be 'the one', I contacted the ex, we went to the courthouse, and it was done. It did not interrupt my freedom to marry again. The door had been closed over a decade before. The legal status just had to match the reality and that took all of one day . Obtaining a divorce is not always as straight forward for every one. Sometime ago in another thread on 'Separation' here in Mingle2, a guy living in the US told how after his separation, his wife left the State and he lost all contact with her. Much later when he applied for a divorce he could not obtain one because he did not know where his wife was. This is an extreme case, but not all separations and divorces are simple, and without significant financial cost. Were that to happen here in the UK and if it means a claim for a 'declaration of presumed death', that takes at least 7 years, and a missing person isn't automatically presumed dead. You may never be free to marry for a very very long time, and the costs involved in all this are great, because you would certainly need legal help. My own divorce drama and costs are over and gone, and I have no wish to be involved in another because they are only 'separated'. I have other concerns as well, it is not uncommon for someone separated to return to their spouse, regarding marriage it's not over until it's over in my opinion, and that is when you are divorced. |
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Hmm.. personally I date people for who they are not for their marriage or relationship status... I'm confident in who I am so I don't believe they're going to go running off to get back together with their EX..nope.. separated divorced it really doesn't matter if they want somebody else. Nothing's going to stop them... I know lots of people who are divorced and still heartsick over there ex-partner.... all a divorce is is a legal document for the state or County to recognize that you are no longer legally and financially together... It's just paperwork.... a person needs to be separated or divorced in their heads... now if I don't feel that they are over the other person in their mind...then.. yes I'm not going to keep keep .. dating them... but personally I don't judge people on their path.. or there past Very well stated! It shows the self-confidence and wisdom within! |
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People often think going your separate ways disavows certain marital privileges and responsibilities.
Three of which can really come back to bite you in the well you get the idea. One is co-mingled debt. You don't have a to live together to be on the hook for bills a spouse runs up. Especially ruining your rental tecord. The collection agency can't find one they go after the other. Usually the one with assets even if they are other than the debt incurred. Cash strapped cities are doing this for taxes and unpaid utilities. If a spouse living separate has assets you have to recover from them first before you can seek entitlements. This is particularly true for older or disabled. Child custody rights/responsibilities do not just go away by living separate. Particularly onerous are laws designed to protect children that say spouse of record is presumed parent weather biologically true or not. So disappeared spouse becomes preggars guess who is on the hook for child support? And these kids can just be dropped off on your doorstep sometimes years later with HUGE problems and you have to deal with it. Some entitlements for retirement sharing hinge solely on how long officially married. Common issue for military who discover wife who went/stayed "home" and held off divorce ten years get half of pay. . |
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I kinda place separated people in the same category as long distance relationships and large age gap relationship. Its possible to have a positive result but you have to be aware that odds are stacked against you . Ultomately you have to decide if the person is worth the risk
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hi dear how are you what do you work
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Edited by
no1phD
on
Thu 04/13/17 10:10 AM
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Here is an ongoing problem I have I start a new relationship..
I let the person know that I'm a active participating father.. my boys stay with me my ex comes and visits..them. Her and I have Financial Holdings together.. so her and I talk often.. We do things with our boys together even... we have a mature adult relationship that revolves around our children... I still support her financially.. Now at the beginning most women I meet think this is great and respect.. That I have a good relationship with my ex.. but as a little time goes by they somehow start to resent it.. I think it is largely due to the fact that they themselves don't have healthy relationships with their ex partners.. And the fact that I have a good working healthy relationship with my ex-partner tends to bother them... |
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Here is an ongoing problem I have I start a new relationship.. I let the person know that I'm a active participating father.. my boys stay with me my ex comes and visits..them. Her and I have Financial Holdings together.. so her and I talk often.. We do things with our boys together even... we have a mature adult relationship that revolves around our children... I still support her financially.. Now at the beginning most women I meet think this is great and respect.. That I have a good relationship with my ex.. but as a little time goes by they somehow start to resent it.. I think it is largely due to the fact that they themselves don't have healthy relationships with their ex partners.. And the fact that I have a good working healthy relationship with my ex-partner tends to bother them... Amen to that, no1... 
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Edited by
no1phD
on
Thu 04/13/17 10:43 AM
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I know right!!..^^^
It's always the same though.. I meet somebody new and there like... ( I think that is great you have a good relationship with your ex and you support her and you have your kids. And you and your ex do things together with the children to show them that you support each other in the raising of your children... I so admire that about you)... and then they say how( they have such a hard time even getting their EX to visit there children. Or kick in a little extra money for the rent or phone bill or food.. or just be a decent human being and help her raise the children.. because after all she is the primary and doing it all on her own.. well her ex is out living a happy life with somebody else....)... And of course I sympathize with them.. But they're always like it's so nice that you do these things have a good relationship with your ex... But sure enough! a month or two later they start resenting it..wtf.... yes of course I'm going to talk about my ex I'm going to talk about my kids I'm going to talk about things we used to do in the pass they're all good things.. Good memories why wouldn't I want to share these with somebody?? . I expect my new partner to talk about their life experiences the good things in their past relationships.... But somehow they all get jealous or resentful and then they don't want to hear about any more relationship talk.. Of past relationships.... Now I totally get that you don't and shouldn't really talk about your past relationships when you're in a new relationship... but as long as you're not talking about the intimate part of your past relationship... I really don't get the problem..lol... after all your past is what makes you who you are.. But yeah I am naive and kind of simple-minded..sooo.. maybe it's just a me problem and not so much a them problem..wink |
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^^^ definitely not you. Women are just soooo self-centered.
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^^^ definitely not you. Women are just soooo self-centered. |
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I know right!!..^^^ It's always the same though.. I meet somebody new and there like... ( I think that is great you have a good relationship with your ex and you support her and you have your kids. And you and your ex do things together with the children to show them that you support each other in the raising of your children... I so admire that about you)... and then they say how( they have such a hard time even getting their EX to visit there children. Or kick in a little extra money for the rent or phone bill or food.. or just be a decent human being and help her raise the children.. because after all she is the primary and doing it all on her own.. well her ex is out living a happy life with somebody else....)... And of course I sympathize with them.. But they're always like it's so nice that you do these things have a good relationship with your ex... But sure enough! a month or two later they start resenting it..wtf.... yes of course I'm going to talk about my ex I'm going to talk about my kids I'm going to talk about things we used to do in the pass they're all good things.. Good memories why wouldn't I want to share these with somebody?? . I expect my new partner to talk about their life experiences the good things in their past relationships.... But somehow they all get jealous or resentful and then they don't want to hear about any more relationship talk.. Of past relationships.... Now I totally get that you don't and shouldn't really talk about your past relationships when you're in a new relationship... but as long as you're not talking about the intimate part of your past relationship... I really don't get the problem..lol... after all your past is what makes you who you are.. But yeah I am naive and kind of simple-minded..sooo.. maybe it's just a me problem and not so much a them problem..wink it depends upon how often and how much time is devoted to the 'ex' especially if the new person is not included I had this same problem with Mr Lover(nickname) after I first ended my first marital relationship. We had a son and we would still do things together but the amount of time was maybe misleading both males as to the odds of us reuniting. Mr Lover , rightfully, needed me to invest my heart into him instead of giving him leftovers from my spouse. At the time, I could not and we went our seperate ways. But , I always understood his point of view and how he must have felt. |
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I kind of forgot what the topic was about. I'd rather not date someone only separated. Get a divorce and then date. I didn't go on a date till I was divorced for a year.
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Edited by
Toodygirl5
on
Fri 04/14/17 02:25 PM
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I don't date separated men! I like starting fresh! He needs to get old business over with his wife or go back to his wife.
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Edited by
msharmony
on
Fri 04/14/17 02:14 PM
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My spouse walked away nine years ago. He lives in another country and is unwilling to divorce me. Likewise, I am unwilling to go through the financial or emotional headache of hunting him down and proceeding with an divorce across continents....just for the paper to prove we aren't together.
I understand those with hesitation about seperation. However, for me, if I were to date again, it would be someone who took me as an individual and learned my circumstances before making up their minds. For me, unless and until physical intimacy/remarriage is being seriously considered, I just don't find a need. |
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