HOW do you know that he or she is controlling?

I can spot it a mile off.
Take a man's (or woman's) profile.
Do they say, 'I am looking for this, and I have this to offer?'
Or do they say, 'You MUST be this or that, and do this or that,
think like I do, vote as I do..'

The easiest way to see it is to play a game with them.
Any game will do..tennis, monopoly, chess.
Do they intimidate you to win?
Do they use putdowns to explain their losing?
It all comes out under pressure.

Another good thing to watch for is how they treat you when you are sick.
Do they empathize AT ALL?
Do they help you when you need it most or do they not like 'being
around illness' and return only when you are well?

Do they demand to handle your finances?
Do they set all your vacations to where they want to go?
Do they approve or disapprove of your friends?
Like it should matter to you?
Is their opinion always far superior to your own?

Walk away, little lady...or run.

I guess when you feel you cannot be yourself in the relationship / with them and notice you (have to) change your ways. Not entirely fool-proof but still very close to.

When they have to know where you are 24/7, and you have no choice of decisions that are made.

You have been exiled from friends/family they do not get along with..

You feel trapped ,scared to voice your opinion, too ashamed to tell friends/family, withdrawn from others when they are around. All because they have made you feel that you are worthless and no one will take you in or help you...... At times tell you that you can not make it without them.. If kids are involved they make sure you stay home and stress you have no where to go and no money for they control it all..

I myself have never been in a controlling relationship. This is what I have been told by some I talked too, once they finally left the one they were with..And was able to open up what all they went through..

Being online within the last 20 years I have been able to chat with a few that has been through very abusive relationships.. It is a eye opener what some have went through...

All I can say watch out for those signs with your friends.. for it may be happening right in front of you and not even realize it..

I could probably write a book on controlling people , my ex had that issue. Hard for me to trust anyone, and if I even get an inkling that someone is controlling I'm ghost. If someone starts giving out "advice" on how you should live your life, run forest run!

I don't agree with that.
I could write a book about it, my ex had a personality disorder, narcissism. They're the worst when it comes to controlling others. I lived with him for 10 years, so did my kids who were greatly affected by him.

But I got out, got over it, healed, moved on. I can trust people, including a partner.
You also cannot solely blame the other, you have to look at your part as well. There's a reason you got involved with such a person and that's what you got to work on if you don't want a repetition.
Running for the hills is not the way.

I came to seeing I wasn't standing in my own strength at the time, and I didn't have any boundaries. That's why that could -and did- happen with that man. I took responsibility for my part, worked on that.
I am now quite empowered, do have boundaries and standards.

Good thing is, when you change you don't attract such people in anymore as they don't resonate with you.

HOW do you know that he or she is controlling?

when she tells me that i wear the pants in this family but only after she picks them out

I have an example of someone who is controlling. I had a boyfriend, who I lived with for several years, and everything had to be done his way. Sometimes I wanted to do something my way and he'd always say the same thing - "why are you being so difficult?"

Everyone is controlling to some degree.
Some focus more on direct control, to differing degrees according to your tolerance.
Some focus more on indirect control, to differing degrees according to your tolerance.

IMO the question isn't "HOW do you know that he or she is controlling?" so much as "how to find someone that is willing to accept control over the things I don't want to control, willing to accept my control over the things I want to control, how to compromise on the things we both want to control, and recognize the difference?"


Other than that, the only way to answer the OP question is via extreme examples that aren't going to be that meaningful or helpful except in the hypothetical where people can emotionally masturbate by triggering themselves coming up with an imaginary "bad guy" that represents someone you won't meet very much of.