she might of she's a skanky bitch

I thought he killed himself

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom
use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we
hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also
breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men"
-- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the
"Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

Following are their accounts ..

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash
machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their
pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine,
though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the
scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With
their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license
plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag
of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded
all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he
fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the
customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a
"handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his
swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were
found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can
you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her
house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided
the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and
realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself
stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from
where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which
he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a
phone and dialed "911" for help..

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The
truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided
that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors,
etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the
pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so
they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store
similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The
man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
dollars.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He
appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember
when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten
out today!"

Theory On Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are
more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still
have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

9 Things I Hate


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my
crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they? I'm gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser,
I paid $12 to come to the movies and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me
a choice there, did ya bitch?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!!
What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, fuckin' dumb ass?

Kiss


One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little
boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his
mouth and asked,

"Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your
Mom
before he goes to work."

That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"

Hello Yazmin welcome

lol that's too funny

like that last one I am a otr driver--occasionally

click on friends and the friends u want delete theres a little x in the
corner

welcome smtnktn,hope you have fun here

well said

Hello and welcome

I am born and raised here

thanks it's been fun so far

that's funny

that's funny

Joined a while back and just been kinda checkin it out.Thought it about
time to Hi