A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always
been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and
see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but
there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your
house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and
they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife
and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go
on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the
man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they
turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."

Before you, I was just hanging out.
My days were all hubbub, no beauty.
Boredom seemed what life was all about.
Excitement meant going to a movie.
Then I fell in love with you; my mall
Opened to a sudden rush of sky;
Trees turned into happiness; and all
The things I had forgotten made me cry.
The loves that fasten one to life grew strong:
You, the thought of seeing you, your touch,
My love for those I'd loved my whole life long,
Knowing, but not feeling it too much.
You brought my life to life, my love to flower;
Now love me well, and through me taste your power

mine does that as well but just seems to be certain people i email

good one B-gal

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not
to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best
man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People
sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both
men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you
feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I
come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers
to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a
big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged
in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to
verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his
wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed
to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back
later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt
revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security
application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability too."

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be
desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

.

how do u know god was even a man

thats good

funny every time i read it

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on
choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled
with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when
bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about
bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise
fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense
problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on ****tail napkin.
Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love
them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an
amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No
reaction. Scribble out message of love on five ****tail napkins and
Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy
him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of
people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get
up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle
comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by
trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out
of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four
bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a
baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table.
Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and
take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong
turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get
key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally
pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell
asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol,
and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more
attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

nope no error

many thnx to from an trucker like me