ouch lol

isn't that the truth lol

funny

hello

hello hello

that's just nasty lol

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"

9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell

8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"

7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's
Room"

6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"

5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"

4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An
Over-Generalized Formula"

3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"

2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is
From The West Village"

1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote,
"No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the
living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons
of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last
stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses
in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to
take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with
us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your
seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have
a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the

lol

that's a good one

so true so true

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating
up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want
you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in
tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He
walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then
tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she
does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it
then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what
is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.
"

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband
says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

funny

lol

one more reason I don't drink vodka lol

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be
strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were
very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe
with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her
friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to
ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath
that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After
finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine
came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that
said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's
got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir..
gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in
the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail
her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might
like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a
beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her
with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your
pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old
bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give
every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice
wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and
evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as
possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your
rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst
not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that
there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip
is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that
there's plenty of shot in your bag.

that's why I travel with a dog,damn parrots