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| Topic: Could I be doing this on purpose? | |
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Do you think its possible that I'm subconsciously picking emotionally unavailable men to protect myself? I mean, if its someone that I pretty much know isn't going to be down for a relationship, then I already am prepared for it to NOT happen. Is it possible that after being hurt so many times I'm sabotaging myself to avoid getting close?
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yes
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It is very possible...good luck to you
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I just started realizing it recently. I don't WANT to do that, but I guess after so many goes at trying to be "the perfect woman" you kinda shut yourself off from honest attempts. I can't say I've met one man in the last year who honestly cared about me and wanted me for more than one thing. I think its like I'm going for those guys to justify not trusting men. I don't NOT trust EVERY man, it just seems that the ones I meet are worse than "bad boys" if you get what I mean. I'm just tired of trying to figure out this whole dating thing... I hate dating. I'm a relationship type of woman, I can't do drama...
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 I do this without understanding it, or alternately, I get with someone who is the exact extreme opposite and it all ends up being about him and his emotions and his greedy need to be fed emotionally. I give up!
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I think that if you are asking the question, you already know the answer... and it is most likely in the affirmative...
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Edited by
BobbyJ
on
Mon 08/25/08 04:59 PM
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Yes, you can be picking men that way. Dr Harvile Hendrix put out a book a few years ago called "Getting The Love That You Want". In it he explores how we choose mates that have the same deficiencies as one or both of our parents. According to him, he would suggest that one or both of your parents was/were emotionally unavailable to you. You choose a mate that is the same way because you missed this availability as a child and you wanted it from that parent. Of course, we could not change our parent's behavior. So instead, you choose a mate who is also unavailable to complete the change you sought in the parent. All of this is done subconsciously. The important thing the doc writes in his book is to recognize what you are trying to do subconsciously and pursue someone who is emotionally available. The reason being you will forever live your life trying to change someone who cannot or will not change to meet this need. I hope this all makes sense!
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I do know the answer pretty much...lol. I took over a year off from actual "dating" and just stayed single without trying to really meet anyone. I mean, I spoke to people but that was it. Now I think I'm just so used to being single it scares me to lose myself to another person. I know who I am and don't want anyone trying to change me. It seems that most available men are wanting one type of woman that I am NOT. I'm not 100lbs, I'm not a freakin size 0, I'm not easily molded into whatever they like. I'm me; I'm a free spirited, wild hearted, animal loving vegetarian hippie who the only thing I truely want in life is to be a mother. I don't want any part of me stifled for a relationship. THAT scares me.
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Yes, you can be picking men that way. Dr Harvile Hendrix put out a book a few years ago called "Getting The Love That You Want". In it he explores how we choose mates that have the same deficiencies as one or both of our parents. According to him, he would suggest that one or both of your parents was/were emotionally unavailable to you. You choose a mate that is the same way because you missed this availability as a child and you wanted it from that parent. Of course, we could not change our parent's behavior. So instead, you choose a mate who is also unavailable to complete the change you sought in the parent. All of this is done subconsciously. The important thing the doc writes in his book is to recognize what you are trying to do subconsciously and pursue someone who is emotionally available. The reason being you will forever live your life trying to change someone who cannot or will not change to meet this need. I hope this all makes sense! It really does honestly. My dad was unavailable to me PERIOD. Not just emotionally, but just straight up not there. I'd worked myself out of that rut a few years ago...bah! lol, I guess thats what I get for being out of the game for a while, I gotta start over... |
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yes, stop it...
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yes, stop it...  yes ma'am
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Lily, I totally wish you lived in Arkansas. I for some reason just want us to go to the bar together...lol... you so seem like my kind of person to hang around.
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Lily, I totally wish you lived in Arkansas. I for some reason just want us to go to the bar together...lol... you so seem like my kind of person to hang around. I'm a riot, but they couldn't prove it in court so they had to let me go... |
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Lily, I totally wish you lived in Arkansas. I for some reason just want us to go to the bar together...lol... you so seem like my kind of person to hang around. I'm a riot, but they couldn't prove it in court so they had to let me go... 
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Lily, I totally wish you lived in Arkansas. I for some reason just want us to go to the bar together...lol... you so seem like my kind of person to hang around. I'm a riot, but they couldn't prove it in court so they had to let me go... I told you to destroy the evidence.... Damn you and your blackmale.... |
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 Lily, I totally wish you lived in Arkansas. I for some reason just want us to go to the bar together...lol... you so seem like my kind of person to hang around. I'm a riot, but they couldn't prove it in court so they had to let me go... I told you to destroy the evidence.... Damn you and your blackmale....  
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Do you think its possible that I'm subconsciously picking emotionally unavailable men to protect myself? I mean, if its someone that I pretty much know isn't going to be down for a relationship, then I already am prepared for it to NOT happen. Is it possible that after being hurt so many times I'm sabotaging myself to avoid getting close? Do you think it's possible that you subconciously (or conciously) don't want to be emotionally involved in a relationship so you pick the bad ones so that you can be the victim of those terrible men out there that keep taking advantage of you? Another version of the "nice guy" thread? What's the over/under for how many times I get lambasted for this thought? 
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Do you think its possible that I'm subconsciously picking emotionally unavailable men to protect myself? I mean, if its someone that I pretty much know isn't going to be down for a relationship, then I already am prepared for it to NOT happen. Is it possible that after being hurt so many times I'm sabotaging myself to avoid getting close? Do you think it's possible that you subconciously (or conciously) don't want to be emotionally involved in a relationship so you pick the bad ones so that you can be the victim of those terrible men out there that keep taking advantage of you? Another version of the "nice guy" thread? What's the over/under for how many times I get lambasted for this thought? I don't play the victim... EVER... I tend to just let it roll off my back without a second thought. So no, thats not it. I usually just go "why the **** did I do that to myself?" cus I see it coming more times than not... |
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yes, I've been doing the same thing
  cheers!
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It's very possible. I know for a fact I do the same thing. I tend to attract people that are my total opposites. And instead of acknowleding that they are my opposite because I have been told so many times to take down my walls and give people a chance. I let people in knowing they aren't going to be good for me. Then I end up with a bruised and battered heart and doing this
 because I knew better to begin with......
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