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| Topic: Why is never married a red flag? | |
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Edited by
oldhippie1952
on
Wed 02/13/13 03:45 PM
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I don't understand this mindset, can someone elaborate so we can discuss it?
To me it simply means they haven't found the one yet, nothing written in stone saying you have to be married by such and such age. EDIT: fixed "such and such" thanks to mountainwatergirl |
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mental problems?
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mental problems? What do mental problems have to do with never being married? |
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I don't understand this mindset, can someone elaborate so we can discuss it? To me it simply means they haven't found the one yet, nothing written in stone saying you have to be married by suck and such age. From what I've been told, some people assume that by a certain age, most people should have been married and had children. And they believe something is wrong with those who aren't married by that time. Then again, those I've heard that from had already been divorced. |
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I don't understand this mindset, can someone elaborate so we can discuss it? To me it simply means they haven't found the one yet, nothing written in stone saying you have to be married by suck and such age. I agree but our society is in that mindset that if you aren't married or had kids that you can't commit. People are much like sheep and seem to follow the trend. |
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These days, anything can be a red flag...whether being divorced multiple times, or never being married..to having multiple kids with various people, etc. I haven't written anybody off (yet- haha) due to a certain status...but I can say this: People can be quite different in person than they are online. That is one thing I keep in mind. But since we're on the topic of red flags... I would say someone that gets too close too soon, esp since you have not yet met them. But on a friendship level, I suppose that is okay for me. Each situation is different, of course.
...I guess I'm more of a 'realist' than I realize 
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mental problems? What do mental problems have to do with never being married? to shy, scared to take the plunge... self importance issues, not thinking good of themselves, hates everyone else... should i go on? |
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I don't understand this mindset, can someone elaborate so we can discuss it? To me it simply means they haven't found the one yet, nothing written in stone saying you have to be married by suck and such age. Well, first of all, you said "suck and such".....hahahahah!!! Sorry, my Beavis and Butthead love is coming out of meh! lol That made me spit my drink out on my monitor, but that's ok. About your topic, I think not ever being married at a mature age means many different things. The only way to know why is to ask. But I think why would be a common question people would ask you. I certainly wouldn't be put off by it until I got an answer that disturbed me. That answer could only be if this person was thrown back many, many times. I would look for clues to see if they were extremely hard to get along with, had tons of issues, or problematic habits. |
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The human mind is infinitely complex and people are all different. Over half of all marriages now end in divorce. That means a lot of people (like me) made stupid mistakes. I should have waited. Maybe someone who hasn't been married is just smarter than the rest of us.
What is politically correct changes from time to time. My grandparents laughed at women who were old maids at fourteen. It wasn't that long ago when being divorced at any age was a stigma. Besides, people change. Circumstances change. Opportunity changes. |
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mental problems? What do mental problems have to do with never being married? to shy, scared to take the plunge... self importance issues, not thinking good of themselves, hates everyone else... should i go on? Not all of those are issues solely for single people. Plus, wouldn't there be a whole slew of issues to add for possibilities for those who are divorced? |
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The human mind is infinitely complex and people are all different. Over half of all marriages now end in divorce. That means a lot of people (like me) made stupid mistakes. I should have waited. Maybe someone who hasn't been married is just smarter than the rest of us. What is politically correct changes from time to time. My grandparents laughed at women who were old maids at fourteen. It wasn't that long ago when being divorced at any age was a stigma. Besides, people change. Circumstances change. Opportunity changes. good post 
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mental problems? What do mental problems have to do with never being married? to shy, scared to take the plunge... self importance issues, not thinking good of themselves, hates everyone else... should i go on? So, you are saying I have mental problems because I have never been married? 
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Regarding bias against non married people. The general erroneous perception is based on a fallacy that not having made a prior commitment excludes any future commitment. This is silly on several fronts, First the average person is married 3 times which strongly suggests that commitment is not a variable that is constant but that is one which changes with people place and circumstance. Second, seeking guarantees even those disguised as institutions such as marriage, do not provide the emotional guarantee that immature girls and boys want so that they can take a chance on life and love. If a person is not willing to risk the real possibility of a relationship not succeeding they are likely better off not trying as in most things important there are not guarantees. Adults albeit only a few recognize the difficulty inherent in this process but also recognize what is valued and at stake and so for these people love is worth the ultimate risk of being vulnerable and opening up with another. Its not surprising that the issue of intimacy is so difficult as we generally have insufficient interpersonal skills and or self knowledge to approach the task of genuine intimacy. The outcome of all our eforts is a function of our ability to assume responsibility, share effective communication and work toward a common goal of relationship building..
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Edited by
Toodygirl5
on
Wed 02/13/13 05:17 PM
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I dated a man, who had never been married before, he was so picky and no woman seemed to be good enough for him. I did not want to marry him, but he was a Great date, he was very generous and had a lot of Class, good job, his home. Anyway, he said, "if a woman could not fit through his back yard gate, he would consider her too fat to date her." I verily did fit, so I almost didn't get a date.
 I was 35 then, with a good figure. He didn't want a fat woman and said if he ever got married and she got fat, it would be grounds for a divorce. I think he was too picky. Not speaking on ALL men here. OK |
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Well I was glad when I lucked into my never married hubby because it meant he didn't have all that many previous negative experiences to dread being a problem in our relationship. The hardest thing I ran into was that never married often means married to the job.
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mental problems? What do mental problems have to do with never being married? to shy, scared to take the plunge... self importance issues, not thinking good of themselves, hates everyone else... should i go on? Not all of those are issues solely for single people. Plus, wouldn't there be a whole slew of issues to add for possibilities for those who are divorced? that is true. Issues are everywhere for those seeking them. lol. I think the crux is that a formerly married person was willing to take that step. has some experience in sharing a life and has tried to put others needs ahead of their own at times. not that never married people can't do too at times. With marriage it's kind of a 24/7 thing tho and hard to understand if you have never been married. I am not sure honestly, if I want to be married either. I am just contributing some thoughts here so tread easy please. lol. Someone who has been married has shown a past interest in a married lifestyle. Much of it is a lifestlye thing and marriage is not for everyone. Clearly someone interested in marriage would be looking for someone who wants the same thing and has a history consistent with a married lifestyle. Not all marriages end for bad reasons. Some of us (me for example) are simply tossed aside by our partner. I don't see that I failed - I was the glue that held my little family together. Does that mean I don't deserve another chance if I can find it? We learn as much or more from failure as we do success throughout our lives. Marraige is no exception. I do not necessarily see divorce as a failure. A failure to me would be attempting to remain in a marriage where everyone is unhappy. Most people do not take divorce lightly in the real world and there are usually good reason but they are not necessarily bad reasons. Personally I believe for myself that being open works best because while one man may be a never married for some negative reason like a sex addiction (just an example) - but another man may have very understandlt reasons - like a career with a lot of travel and now he is ready to settle down....so I think it's narrow minded to make assumptions about a person based on their marital status |
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mental problems? What do mental problems have to do with never being married? to shy, scared to take the plunge... self importance issues, not thinking good of themselves, hates everyone else... should i go on? Not all of those are issues solely for single people. Plus, wouldn't there be a whole slew of issues to add for possibilities for those who are divorced? that is true. Issues are everywhere for those seeking them. lol. I think the crux is that a formerly married person was willing to take that step. has some experience in sharing a life and has tried to put others needs ahead of their own at times. not that never married people can't do too at times. With marriage it's kind of a 24/7 thing tho and hard to understand if you have never been married. I am not sure honestly, if I want to be married either. I am just contributing some thoughts here so tread easy please. lol. Someone who has been married has shown a past interest in a married lifestyle. Much of it is a lifestlye thing and marriage is not for everyone. Clearly someone interested in marriage would be looking for someone who wants the same thing and has a history consistent with a married lifestyle. Not all marriages end for bad reasons. Some of us (me for example) are simply tossed aside by our partner. I don't see that I failed - I was the glue that held my little family together. Does that mean I don't deserve another chance if I can find it? We learn as much or more from failure as we do success throughout our lives. Marraige is no exception. I do not necessarily see divorce as a failure. A failure to me would be attempting to remain in a marriage where everyone is unhappy. Most people do not take divorce lightly in the real world and there are usually good reason but they are not necessarily bad reasons. Personally I believe for myself that being open works best because while one man may be a never married for some negative reason like a sex addiction (just an example) - but another man may have very understandlt reasons - like a career with a lot of travel and now he is ready to settle down....so I think it's narrow minded to make assumptions about a person based on their marital status However, if they're divorced, clearly they weren't as interested in the "married lifestyle" you mention. One of the reasons could have been that they weren't putting others' needs ahead of their own, right? I'm not saying getting a divorce is a bad thing. But, I do get tired of hearing that I just wouldn't understand, since I've never been married. It's an excuse many divorced people seem to use. |
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It isn't a red flag to me especially if there are no children involved - it just means the person hasn't been fortunate enough to find the right person for them yet. Plus they don't have any previous marriage baggage the new person has to deal with. I think it can be a positive rather than a negative. I met a man who had never been married who I could have gone for in a flash but my "friend" who was his roommate wouldn't let him ask me out and I didn't find this out until after the fact - I sure was angry about it. Every person is different and there is no law that says you have to follow the herd and do life the same way as everyone else does. Just remember people can really be sheep - they do it because everyone else is doing it. I think that's just plain stupidity! Take heart, I'm sure you'll find someone yet :))
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I don't understand this mindset, can someone elaborate so we can discuss it? To me it simply means they haven't found the one yet, nothing written in stone saying you have to be married by such and such age. EDIT: fixed "such and such" thanks to mountainwatergirl First impressions of "never married" (for a man who is over 40:) 1. A Mama's boy 2. Mentally unbalanced 3. Gay 4. A Liar.  |
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mental problems? What do mental problems have to do with never being married? to shy, scared to take the plunge... self importance issues, not thinking good of themselves, hates everyone else... should i go on? Not all of those are issues solely for single people. Plus, wouldn't there be a whole slew of issues to add for possibilities for those who are divorced? that is true. Issues are everywhere for those seeking them. lol. I think the crux is that a formerly married person was willing to take that step. has some experience in sharing a life and has tried to put others needs ahead of their own at times. not that never married people can't do too at times. With marriage it's kind of a 24/7 thing tho and hard to understand if you have never been married. I am not sure honestly, if I want to be married either. I am just contributing some thoughts here so tread easy please. lol. Someone who has been married has shown a past interest in a married lifestyle. Much of it is a lifestlye thing and marriage is not for everyone. Clearly someone interested in marriage would be looking for someone who wants the same thing and has a history consistent with a married lifestyle. Not all marriages end for bad reasons. Some of us (me for example) are simply tossed aside by our partner. I don't see that I failed - I was the glue that held my little family together. Does that mean I don't deserve another chance if I can find it? We learn as much or more from failure as we do success throughout our lives. Marraige is no exception. I do not necessarily see divorce as a failure. A failure to me would be attempting to remain in a marriage where everyone is unhappy. Most people do not take divorce lightly in the real world and there are usually good reason but they are not necessarily bad reasons. Personally I believe for myself that being open works best because while one man may be a never married for some negative reason like a sex addiction (just an example) - but another man may have very understandlt reasons - like a career with a lot of travel and now he is ready to settle down....so I think it's narrow minded to make assumptions about a person based on their marital status However, if they're divorced, clearly they weren't as interested in the "married lifestyle" you mention. One of the reasons could have been that they weren't putting others' needs ahead of their own, right? I'm not saying getting a divorce is a bad thing. But, I do get tired of hearing that I just wouldn't understand, since I've never been married. It's an excuse many divorced people seem to use. there numerous reasons for divorce, including a failure to put their partners needs as a priority. Honestly that is one thing many of us take away from divorce and some become much better at it in subsequent relationships. It may or may indicate someone's current level of interest in that lifestyle but certainly they were at one time. I think you may note that I said the divorced person gave it a try. I was not trying to exonerate them or anyone- at least that person has tried and some people MIGHT like to see that from a potential partner (not necessarily speaking of myself). the many people telling you that you cannot undertand unless you have had that experience, I agree with. It is the reality not an excuse. Maybe if many people are telling this to you it is worth your consideration. Again making assumptions about someone based on the fact that they are married or divorced or never married is a mistake in my opinon (and we all know what the first three letters of assumption do spell now don't we...lol) |
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