Online dating feels like I imagine being a door-to-door salesperson does. You approach that first door with enthusiasm, hope, and probably feeling nervous. If someone opens the door, you give your best pitch. Maybe they invite you in, maybe they slam the door in your face. If you make it across the threshold, you sit at their kitchen table while they flip through your catalog of what you have to offer. Maybe you make a sale, but will they be a repeat customer? After you've been at it for a few years, and your nose has been broken more often than you've been invited in, how do you maintain that enthusiasm and hope?

What gets your foot in the door?

Once you're in, what in your experience makes them call you back for more?

Thoughtful post.

I don't know if you are just talking about on line dates or in real life.

On line if someone is nice I generally try to be kind of light hearted. I will tell them if they are catching me at a bad time or not. If I actually make a online date time they get my undivided attention. If they ask a polite question I try to answer and leave the door open for the next remark. Then if I have to go I just say Thanks for the fun chat and wish them well. I don't put people on the spot or ask super personal questions. Someone offers me a phone number and I am not quite ready to make calls I just thank them and tell them I will keep it for future reference. The guys that don't get pushy about phone calls are the ones that get the fastest call backs. Generally during the day at lunch time when they know I am going to call. If I call at and office I am respectful to co-workers but keep the private message just that I called. I never call more than once and if I do talk on the phone it is short and lady like.

I have found that the people I date in real life tell me it is just I try to treat people like they have feelings too. I try to be a good sport about the invitations I accept. I guess it is easy because not many things I have not experienced to some degree. If I really am not enjoying something I can usually politely excuse myself. Very, very; rare I ever leave someone feeling "ditched". I do NOT do public drama.

I try to say please and thank you and just put the date at ease. I have had dates tell me later that it was one of the few first dates they can say they really enjoyed. I try to avoid asking the whole tedious first date questions which I think sometimes is a relief. I tend to talk about at least one or two mutual interests if I have to look up about one of theirs. I may converse about a subject but I don't like to debate and I rarely give a date advice about anything. Which is pretty different than some threads that actually ask for it. Some hot button topics I tend to avoid on dates until I know them really well.

Even when my Dad was really ill and I sometimes felt like I really didn't spend all the much time with a person they would call or send flowers after because I was honest and told them why but at least made the conversation pleasant by talking about things that interested them when we were together.

Even if I ultimately don't keep dating them regularly because maybe we are not that compatible they will sometimes call to go out as friends. I get a lot of invitations to business things or family things where they want someone who will act in a predictable way; like a lady. I always try to make an effort to look nicer for a date. Most men notice that.

They especially notice if I write a thank you note for the date or some little gift they might bring. Or if I am a guest at a event I write the host one also. I do NOT like entitled people and try not to be one.

I don't usually do it until I know someone better but it is not unusual for me to send a gift home for their kids, pet, or parent if we are seeing some kind of public fair. It is just little stuff but it makes people feel less taken advantage of. When I am dating someone with dependents I don't make them late getting home and make bad blood with their caregivers. And I don't call after hours to BS and wake everyone in the house up. Don't think I have ever done a drive by of someone's house in my life. I didn't do that High School garbage even in high school.

They tell me how impressed they are that I don't let electronics or others interrupt the date. That I am on time. That I don't take over and try to make them feel like they are the kid. Often I let the man order. Or that I really don't drink or smoke. I used to just think a lot of that was just a given for a considerate date but I guess it is unusual.

lol
very well said : )

Thanks for your thoughtful response PStar.

I'm curious about others experiences with sending the first message on a dating site. What methods of approach you've found effective to get a response, and what kept the conversation going? Did the conversations lead to actually meeting in person?

IMO a lot of people do.

But there's a clue there into your/someones own personality if you see yourself as a salesman trying to get a woman to buy you, or that you have to sell yourself to women, as though you are approaching from a position of weakness.

There's an inherent idea that you are trying to manipulate women to act, to choose, to make a decision to commit something to you.

You don't have to see yourself that way, nor approach dating as though you are trying to sell yourself to them, as though you are a supplicant hoping they'd just choose you because you are ultimately powerless unless you offer them something that no one else can, or bs your way into getting them to believe something.

I can say that the more you see yourself that way the more you will start to become like a used car dealer selling lemons.


The biggest door you'll ever face is your own fears and insecurities.
Has nothing to do with what women control.


Pitches are ultimately lies. Highlighting all of the positives and making sure to avoid the negatives, or spinning the negatives into positives.
There's nothing honest in a pitch.
Pitches are solely meant to manipulate a desired response.


If that's the case then you are already defeated.
You are no longer a participant, or even an employee, you are just waiting for welfare from someone.

A sale would ultimately not be buying you, only what you could provide for them.


You don't.
You find a new profession, or you start to become like any other salesman that will get what they want by any means necessary.


Realizing there is no door.

When they realize they aren't going to be sold to, expected to buy something, and not treated like a customer for only as long as they pay me something?

ciretom, I was speaking figuratively.

I'm quite comfortable with who I am and present myself honestly when approaching and interacting with people.

There will always be doors. They are the perceived boundary between people that take a key on each side (mutual interest and agreement) to unlock.

i'm not here for the "dating" part. mostly i found the forums funny, entertaining and occasionally mind-opening. and it is someplace where i can get some of my personal thoughts out.
in the first place, i never really felt the need to get my foot in anyone's door, but it is nice to fit in and get to know the different personalities on here. i have met a few nice people, as well as the seemingly not so well-intentioned ones, but nothing on a serious level.
the way i see it, if they want to contact you, they will make a point to do so. if i want to contact them, i make it a point to get my message across as well. no need to make a "best pitch". you are who you are, and nothing wrong with being honest about it. whether personal feeling and intentions are reciprocated, it probably shouldn't be highly expected, as many things are simply our own perception of what we want.

Pansy, thanks for sharing a bit about your outlook and approach.

I don't usually send messages
oh once in awhile to friend from forums
I read a ton of them
well skim em anyways
Say more than hi how are you
but less than sending something that looks like your life story in one message

I totally get you Techno, totally...When I first joined, it was exactly as you described...Enthusiam-hope-nerves...My personality category is flirty and fun with a touch of seriousness ...When I was new to online dating and someone approached me, I just went for the humorous banter and mixed in a little personal info about me with questions about them...I always let the man take the lead and if he offered his number after having several exchanges here, I had no problem calling him...I admit getting to THAT point was rare, but then again speed dating was never my objective...It didn't take me long to figure out most were scammers, some were just looking to get laid or kill time and some didn't know what the hell they were looking for...ALL my successful connections on Mingle have been made through forum participation because it is the closest thing to offline dating...You become attracted to those people your are exposed to over time...The better you get to know each other, the more you want to meet offline (and that applies to both romance and friendship)...What gets your foot in the door?...IMO, networking through forum participation...

PS: Your OP belongs in creative writing...

Dude....I so sucked at this when I started years ago. Today....well I still suck at it. It's a vicious cycle.

Tell ya a few I don't respond to
1obvious cut/paste job
2 "hey"
3 "hi"
4 " nice pics"
5 " what's up"
6 "your cute"
7 "hey sexy"
8 "hello pretty"
9 "hello my dear"
10 " wanna hook up"

i can't help but notice that you have left the question of cup size unmentioned.

i'm sure your suitors appreciate leaving that button open.

Haahaaa
"Those suckers for real?"
Golly gee
that be one of my favs
might just warrant a response

i wasn't gonna say anything...

When I first came out on the internet was years ago...I actually lost a bet I had no clue what to expect. So I had no expectations which I think helped me out a lot. In the beginning due to my job I couldn't have pictures up. I spent some time reading and watching the forums.I knew real quick my style is not the flirt.{ I ,am so jealous of the people that can flirt}. I am too direct, so I had to find my own style, which led me to be who I am online and offline. IF I say it out here, I will say it in real time or vise a versa.

In all honesty, I don't think I ever sent out an email of " Hey I am interested". Usually the emails I have sent out has been due to something in a profile and I complimented them on it or a forum user.

I do know some of the best dates have been from something they or I have seen in each others profile. No pressure just chatting a bit, getting to know each other does the conversation flow easily ? That is a huge thing for me if we can converse in the cold written form it should be a lot easier in person.
My guy and I started talking over something he had posted that had me cracking up...I sent a thank you for the laugh this am. I needed it. That started it and went from there.

I do think that people have to learn not to take things personally out here, if they are thin skinned they won't make it. I also think for some, the internet is a way for the to blow off steam so they aren't the same as in person.
I think for some it is a way to get over shyness, or fear of rejection.

I personally do enjoy seeing the different personalities and what lengths some go to, to get noticed.

Great post OP... very insightful and some depth went into this one. Nice to see something with some meat on the bone.

I am kind of surprised that several of the Minglers in forums
have said that making on line contact or getting a date/dating would even be and issue. Is it really that hard to get people to respond or accept dates?

I guess I am kind of old fashioned and generally let the guy do the asking but then I have never had a problem with the ones I wanted to ask to actually ask.

I am wondering if guys who post a lot in forums aren't getting friend zoned and or women are afraid of someone making and issue you if you actually date? I would be happy for my Mingle friends to find someone they could be with.

Well said Star...
I am thinking that some may be making it a bit harder than needed. I have had many great dates that have turned into friendship through the years. Just because we made the decision of not a match doesn't mean they were wonderful people. I would say 90% of the people I have met online are wonderful people...I am honoured to know online and in real life.

Yes ^^^ about making it harder than it has to be.

I have not really gotten why people put so much of their self esteem on weather a person says yes to a date or how a date goes.

True , I take being asked as a compliment and some level of approval but it is not like someone asking me out is this be all, end all endorsement or put down.

Nor is me telling someone no to a date that I do not think they are still a quality person. Or for that matter unattractive sexually. Or some kind of societal failure.

I get a lot of heat for not dating younger or those with kids. IT IS NOT PERSONAL judgment of your maturity or your kids as necessary to the universe it is I am just at a different stage of life. Just because a stage of life is good does not mean I want to repeat it.

I really wish people would take some of the pressure off dating and just think of it as some short pleasant little thing you are doing for a part of a single day not something that has to be life changing in and instant.

Chrimeny sakes stop pulling yourself through a knot hole and just relax and enjoy the interaction. I guarantee you if it makes a nice impression then it will go in your favor. They will want to talk to you again. They will want to go out again.

Or really don't miss out on this, at least tell a friend how nice you were. People see you out in the dating world; and you are not just falling all over each other like dogs in heat, others are going to be attracted to you and probably try to find out who you are. I would say at least fifty percent of the people I date that don't get serious about will date someone I do know. I have had several people say "oh who was so and so they seem so nice" and it is real easy for me to say yes they are would you like to be introduced? Said it before the people I cared the most about in my life were introduced through friends.

Well, as Frank Sinatra once sang, "They can't take that away from me". Meaning no matter how many times I get stomped on, I remain the happy, jokey person that I am. I have to have faith in my future. Otherwise I'll lose myself. My middle name is resilient.




The smell of bacon. On a serious note, if he is persistent, then I'll be more likely to stick around. I can't be done with half-arsed men.




Him wanting to be around me more and more.