???...
)))

A guy walked into a bar, really hurt his head.

I only hope the head is hurt.

I remember one day a Chinese guy walked in to my local bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or any other Martial Arts.

He said ‘you asking me that just because I’m Chinese’

I said ‘no, you’re drinking my beer’

I agree, because if they drink too much beer they can make good kung fu.

They asked for camel? Why is the neck side curved?
camel: do I have a flat side?

funny

the turtle sees the serpent as he goes down the road;
turtle: my friend, how is your life?
snake: crawling away.
tortoise: ?!?!?!...

Man walks by a fence with a peep hole....
He hears a voice repeating over and over again...24, 24, 24, 24.....

The man is curuous... He peeps thru the whole in the fence....and gets poked in the eye!!!

The childs voice continues..
25, 25, 25, 25.....

Guy goes into the doctor...
PATIENT: Doc...( Very Deep voice) I need help...my voice is so deep...people don't understand me.

DOCTOR: Well lets have a look at you...disrobe please...

The patient does, to reveal an enourmous penis smacking into the floor....
DOCTOR: OMG WTF?!?! Ahem.....
How long have you had this.....member??

PATIENT: got bit by a snake in the congo about 2 months ago...

DOCTOR: Well near as I can tell well have to do surgery.
PATIENT: SURGERY?!?! WHY?
DOCTOR: Well, appears your Johnson is putting extreme stress on your vocal cords...Well have to cut that snake down to size..
3 months later.....
PATIENT: Thanks Doc! My voice is fine and my pee pee is back to normal...I just have a question.....What did you do with the other 2 feet of....congo snake???
DOCTOR: (VERY DEEP VOICE) I don't know....It's around here somwhere....

Good ones Rob

Thank you MoonChild!!!

My girlfriend just found out I swapped our bed for a trampoline, she hit the roof

How to be Annoying

* Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 0800 operators for dates.

* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire copy warnings and Simon Bates "Whenever you rent or buy a video..." bits.

* Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

* Set alarms for random times.

* Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

* Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "The Grumbleweeds" over climactic parts of rental movies.

* Wear your trousers backwards.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

* Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

* Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. (Please note: Dot Matrix printers only.)

* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

* only type in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either

* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

* Pay for your dinner with pennies.

* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

* Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

* Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

* Light road flares on a birthday cake.

* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

* Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

* When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

* Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

* Finish the 99 green bottles song.

* Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.

* Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.

* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

* Name your dog "Dog."

* Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

* Ask people what gender they are.

* Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

* Lick the filling out of all the jammy Dodgers, and place the biscuit parts back in the tray.

* Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "good one."

* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Glade Air Freshener.

* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

* Wear a LOT of cologne.

* Ask to "interface" with someone.

* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

* Sing along at the opera.

* Mow your lawn with scissors.

* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

* Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?

* Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture."

* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

* Never make eye contact.

* Never break eye contact.

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

* Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in an annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of September.

* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

what philosophy does friendship between an elephant and an ant depend on?

An old man goes to his doctor and has some tests done. After results are determined, the doctor tells the patient that he has some bad news & some worse news:

The bad news is that the old man has cancer. Doctor then tells patient that the worse news is that he also has alzheimer's disease.

After a few moments the old man replies: "Well, at least I dont have cancer."

Man goes to see psychiatrist.

Man..Please help me Doc, I feel as if everyone is ignoring me.


Psychiatrist....Next.

I understand. others who do not see are justified.

After a blazing row the wife has just about had enough of her husband and tells him to leave.

He packs his bags and as he’s waking out the door she says ‘ and I hope you die a slow and painful death’

He turns, looks at her and replies, ‘does that mean you want me to stay then’

Hi