About to date a woman who has three Exs.
She does keep in touch with each one of them. Claims they are good friends and there is absolutely nothing between them .
Can I trust this statement OR is that a red Flag..


Note : One she was married and divorced from, One was a called of engagement and the otherwise was just a regular boyfriend for two years ... so she say>

Depends. Not necessarily a red flag.
At a certain age most everyone has had more than 1 relationship and many stay in touch with exes.
I do believe in many cases it's meaningless, but then again it begs the question, if it's meaningless then why is that more important than a potential new partner?

But all in all I think it comes down to your own boundaries. What is okay for you?
I've been lenient with it in the past, also with men having female "just friends".
Since the last one I have now made it a boundary. No guy with female friends anymore and no guy who wants to stay in touch with exes.
UNLESS it's occasional for shared kids.

Again, figure out what your own boundaries are in this.

Come to think of it... also what 'staying in touch'
entails.
Is this the occasional coffee, and if so, where? Her place or his or a restaurant?
Or is it dinner or entire afternoons/evenings spent together?
So where, how much time, and how often do they spend time together? That also matters.
But still, most important factor is, how do you feel about it? Are you okay with it?

Thats the way I am leaning....no Exs in the background... thinking that kinda relationship only exists cause one is still in love and the other is ugly ...

Before many come in and say it is a BIG RED FLAG~~~~~

I'll state my case...

Been married once divorced 34 years ago, my ex lives 10 blocks from me.. Do we still talk hell yea we have 2 kids and 6 grand kids together.. He has married twice since we divorced.. Heck he calls/drops by once in a while to talk about kids/grand kids or just to make sure everything is going okay.. We get along fine now.. Would I ever go back with him ohhh hell no..

We go to the grand kids sports games, and we all sit together... We talk/laugh about stuff grand kids have done etc...

I dated a guy for 12 years after my divorce. He is with someone else. And he actually calls me about every 2-4 months to see how I'm doing. Just to check up on me, to see if all is going okay.. If he does not call me I will call him to see how he is doing.. This has gone on for the last 15 years.

For me the past is the past. Once I'm done with a Relationship it's over.. Am I buddy buddy with the exes no.. When we talk it is just to check on how the other is doing..

Life is what it is.. so it is up to you if you can trust her or not... Women can have male friends and not want a relationship with them... jmo

TxsGal3333, that's kind of what I meant by how often and what etc.
What you say is not really very often and can be just phone calls.
With the father of your kids I can totally understand as well.
I too was in touch with my ex, father of my kids, for quite some time after the divorce.
NOT because there was still love there. Over is over for me. As in 100% over.
But it had to do with the kids.
Every other weekend the kids were with him and sometimes he picked them up at my new home that I shared with my new partner. Sometimes his new partner came with.
Then we drank a cup of coffee, chit-chatted and after that he was on his way home again with our kids.

Having spent a long time with each other and having kids together can mean you still get along after divorce without any desire for getting involved again.

For me personally that's where contact with exes ends. And I wouldn't like a new men to still check in on an ex either. I should be his new responsibility as a man, not an ex.
But that's my personal view & feelings.
This stuff will be different for everyone.

Crystal, your right when it comes to an ex you have kids with.. There is no way to avoid having contact with them.. Unless all ties are cut.. Even tho I could have done that with my divorce with my kids dad.. There is no way I would have made my kids have to deal with all the Drama of a messy Divorce.. They never knew till they got older why.. To me that is the past. Yes I can be around him and it not bother me.. Heck we all had Thanksgiving at my daughters this last year together..

Now the ex bf of 12 years we have only seen each other twice in the last 15 years.. it is phone calls only..

Would I meet up with my exes for dinner or pleasure hell no...

Now to be honest if I was with someone and they kept in close contact with exes I'm talking about going out to lunch,dinner etc with them then yes I would have a problem with it.. But as far as just phone calls/texting or running into them in public no..

There is a point that is okay then there is crossing the line.. I would never go that far if I was seeing someone else..

not necessarily a red flag.. although I do not talk to any of my ex's.. not even the father of my kids.. but that's me..

Went out with a lady that had been married three times. After a year of dating I figured out why and I went out for a pack of smokes and didn't go back.

Maybe look at what you would do if it was one of your ex's wanting to meet. Usually ex's are an ex for a reason and you do have to trust your new partner.

Personally, if an ex wanted to meet up (and for some reason I agreed) then I would want to bring my new girlfriend with me. Then there is no doubt in what is happening in this meeting. Hopefully she would do the same. But if I felt that there was a problem, then I would have to speak up and let her know that it is making me feel jealous/insecure and I do not like feeling like that.

I’ll say this it’s not automatically a red flag, but it’s not something to ignore either.
By a certain age, most adults have exes. A marriage, a broken engagement, a long-term boyfriend that’s just life. The real question isn’t whether she has exes. It’s what kind of boundaries exist now.
Staying in occasional, respectful contact is one thing. Emotional dependence, constant communication, or turning to an ex for support instead of you is another.
When a woman is truly ready for something new, her priority shifts. You won’t feel like you’re competing with ghosts from her past. Her actions will make it clear that you’re the present and the future.
At the end of the day, it comes down to your standards. If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t ignore that feeling. You don’t have to accuse her of anything just observe. Consistency, transparency, and respect will tell you everything you need to know.
A man with experience doesn’t panic he watches patterns

listen to every lies and truth she tell you because it really helps

this ^^^ makes sense to me.. if she's meeting them, tag along.. if she doesn't want you to.. red flag!

Liking all the responses .
All makes proper sense....and some .

In my case , this new woman has absolutely no real connection to this one ex ...except as a dance partner! And since dancing is a big part of her life , I let her know I had no problem with her dancing with him . As I am not an accomplished ballroom dancer , I dont go with her to the events . She goes and basically bumps into the ex there .Having said that, I requested she just let me know where and when she goes dancing.

Well what do you know... in a bizzare co-incidence, I spotted the two of them at a Club.... not actually dasncing , as I did not go in ... but their cars parked side by side in the parking lot.
Three days later, I causally asked where she was on that particular day , and she straight out lied..
Red flag red flag.
And now I am basically giving her a second chance ..
Am I doing the right thing ?
She new and I really like her !!!

Humm that puts a different twist on the situation..

Myself even if the guy I was with did not like to dance I would still not meet and ex at a bar to go dancing unless the one I was with went with me..

Solution to that problem is check into dancing lessons so you can go dancing with her instead..

And well to flat out lie.. that is a kicker for me.. if one does not have trust within a Relationship it is hard for that relationship to go anywhere..

Actually sounds like you need to sit down with her and talk, communication is the key in any relationship. Once trust is broken it is hard to get it back unless both make an effort.

Honestly, I'm not gonna say what you should do for only you can decide what is right for you..

I agree with this ^^^
considering she flat out lied about it.. I'd have the 'honest' conversation that "I saw you........" and see her reaction.. if she fidgets, looks down or away.. you caught her red-handed and I'd move on, regardless how much I like that person.. like Txs said.. trust is a key factor but lying is a kicker for me as well..

You'd be doing the "right" thing by running like Forrest Gump.

I'd flat out ask her about it.
In a nice way, not demanding, or angry or anything. But you do deserve her to be honest to you.
It could be she was afraid to tell you as she felt you'd get upset after all.
Could be the ex has shown a renewed interest in her which made her kind of question things.

To explain that... often when a woman feels good with a new man (you in this case) she exudes a wonderful vibe, has a different glow. We then often have an ex come up out of the blue with renewed interest.
That can be confusing, certainly in early stages.
So it could be innocent, but you have to know.

I'd ask, however scary that may be, and tell her you really need her to be honest and that you have to be able to trust her, especially if you're okay with her still dancing with that ex.

Depending on her explanation make you're decision.
If you want to continue with her you could possibly ask her to find another dance partner. You can tell her you're not comfortable with this situation, and rightfully so.
That way you allow her to do what she loves, just not with that ex.
If she's truly into you she will do this.

I have had a sit down conversation with her, in a very netural place and apart from calling me insecure and childish, she tells me I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
So I told her thats not true , I needed to trust her and for her to show more respect to my concerns.. She did agree.
But I still have this nagging gut feeling , that she is not gonna want to change her ways.
So, I am gonna trust my gut and do what Motown advised,.... RUN FOREST RUN!

Thanks guys for the feedback and input.
Another bites the dust !!!

Reason for me to call it quits would be her calling you insecure and childish. Childish??????
And nothing much to do with being insecure either. Even if confident and secure you'd want to know what was going on.
Her reacting that way would be a major red flag to me as it says she A) doesn't take your concerns seriously and B) knocks you for asking questions and C) shows no respect for you.
That is very immature, she is actually the childish one.
And still leaves the matter of her lying to you.
This all would certainly be a reason to end it.
Sorry, Slim!
Now don't let this discourage you. Learn from it so something similar won't happen again.