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 Double post...sorry folks. |
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Expecting another person to make you ultimately happy in a relationship is I believe a sign of immaturity. You and only you can make yourself happy and that is something I'm proud to have learned. But is it really too much to expect equal, reciprocal caring and nurturing? I am a giver with a huge heart and I guess I just need to be smart enough to look for a person who will feed it and not drain it I guess. ....and I generally try to avoid volcanoes.  True too... Happiness comes from within-you are your own source of happiness-others just add to it!! And, NO,in a healthy relationship; being cared for and nurtured is what is expected! Its not ''asking for too much''-a relationship is a two way street!! Find some one who gives as much as receives! Well,even gives more....that cant hurt! Ahhhhh...now see there lies the rub. I realized something fascinating about myself when a good friend and I tried to take our relationship to 'the next step'. He was loving, giving, caring, nurturing and I was soooo unused to that in a partner that I back pedalled faster than you can believe. It felt uncomfortable to have the roles reversed and to have someone else taking care of me. Part of that is family history, with no father to speak of and being in foster homes at an early age. There was never anyone in my corner that I could trust, so to be asked to trust someone intimately goes against every lesson I've learned. But at least I know the problem right? *wink* I've figured it out, and now I'm ready to test it out with my next relationship. I'm holding out until I find the guy who's going to appreciate and nurture me and he's going to have to be pretty patient too, as I learn to let go and to trust him. Trusting someone with your heart is a very scary process. Oh my heavens you were lucky! *hugs*  But see....I used to view myself as damaged. I don't anymore. I am simply older and wiser. I like to say that yes I come with a lot of luggage, but I CHOOSE what luggage I bring with me. *smile* |
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Expecting another person to make you ultimately happy in a relationship is I believe a sign of immaturity. You and only you can make yourself happy and that is something I'm proud to have learned. But is it really too much to expect equal, reciprocal caring and nurturing? I am a giver with a huge heart and I guess I just need to be smart enough to look for a person who will feed it and not drain it I guess. ....and I generally try to avoid volcanoes. True too... Happiness comes from within-you are your own source of happiness-others just add to it!! And, NO,in a healthy relationship; being cared for and nurtured is what is expected! Its not ''asking for too much''-a relationship is a two way street!! Find some one who gives as much as receives! Well,even gives more....that cant hurt! Ahhhhh...now see there lies the rub. I realized something fascinating about myself when a good friend and I tried to take our relationship to 'the next step'. He was loving, giving, caring, nurturing and I was soooo unused to that in a partner that I back pedalled faster than you can believe. It felt uncomfortable to have the roles reversed and to have someone else taking care of me. Part of that is family history, with no father to speak of and being in foster homes at an early age. There was never anyone in my corner that I could trust, so to be asked to trust someone intimately goes against every lesson I've learned. But at least I know the problem right? *wink* I've figured it out, and now I'm ready to test it out with my next relationship. I'm holding out until I find the guy who's going to appreciate and nurture me and he's going to have to be pretty patient too, as I learn to let go and to trust him. Trusting someone with your heart is a very scary process. Oh my heavens you were lucky! *hugs* But see....I used to view myself as damaged. I don't anymore. I am simply older and wiser. I like to say that yes I come with a lot of luggage, but I CHOOSE what luggage I bring with me. *smile* |
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Topic:
You See, We Guys..
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Some men can be a little passive. Maybe they were raised this way and taught that this is the key to being a gentleman or ?...They seem to think that being "nice" and "pleasing" (and even compliant) is the way to win a woman's heart....I wouldn't want a controlling and dominant man. But I'm not looking for a total "people-pleaser" either...It's great when both partners have strong "selves" of their own (And preferences and interests and ideas etc.)...It's fun to take turns at suggesting activities and making compromises when need be...I don't want to be controlled or told "what to do." And I don't want to be placed in a "controlling role" either...It's more fun to be equals and best-friends. And decide on things together. (When mutual decisions need to be made.) Exactly this and yes A-FLIPPIN-MEN!! My last relationship ultimatley died because as sweet as he was, he was raised by a domineering mother who still controlled him. Yes, he was a perfect gentleman, but to the point where he had no spine, and I had to make every single decision from the minor ones to the major ones. A little lady can only take so much of the load...when I ask for help, I'd like just that...not someone to say "whatever you decide is good for me dear".
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Topic:
You See, We Guys..
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Over 7 hours later... Sorry, I was waiting for you to take control. 
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Topic:
Would you?
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No........hell no! I will support a dog or a cat. Humans gotta be more than a big assed leech. Ouch!  *smack on the nose* Bad krupa...bad!!!! Go do some volunteering and educate yourself about the situation before you make any more comments like that. |
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Topic:
Would you?
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I used to volunteer with a group that offers direct aid to people on the street. If I see someone who needs help, I simply call the city's hotline and explain the situation.
They then decide if police or ambulance need to be called and if not, will radio the nearest pair of volunteers and ask them to check up on the person and offer sandwiches/drinks/information. Sadly though too many people just pass by and the person becomes part of the background. As for opening my home...no never. Too much of a risk. |
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This has happened to me a couple of times and I found myself starting to wonder if there was a window in the ladies room that I could crawl out of?
I stuck it out and just never went out with them again. I learned that first dates should always be action dates....but surprisingly another good first date tactic turned out to be road trips. Something about being in a car and on an adventure leads to great times. I was with a fellow once on our way to a local pow wow, and in following the GPS we ended up stuck in a small back road in the mud. We started taking pictures in the woods while waiting for someone to haul us out. Best date ever. It never went anywhere relationship wise, but we're pretty good friends to this day. Skip the coffee dates and go have an adventure! 
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Mostly because of the fact that online dating sites attract some of the weirdest people I ever come across. With as many weirdos and sex crazy people that hang around dating sites,It's hard for me to believe that many find true love on any dating sites. Charlie boy, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. I found my last relationship online and we gave it a good go for 4 years before realizing that it wouldn't work out. I met a lot of people in my city through this site (POF), and we eventually formed a great core group. There have been 3 marriages, and 2 other couples are engaged now, and countless friendships have been formed. We've all branched off POF onto Facebook and it's been a blessing for me. I thought that I'd try Mingle this time though, since POF just got too keerazy since I was on it last time. Relationships DO happen but the secret is to get out from behind the keyboard and to actually MEET some of these people in real life. *kiss on yer noze* It's ok to be picky by the way. Some people have learned from experience exactly what they don't want, and some people use it as a defense mechanism because of fear of intimacy. It's OK if you disagree with me. But to tell you the truth, I was on POF for five, Yes,(5) straight years. And in that five years I will admit I did get a good many dates. And, I did meet some nice women. We just didn't click. But, For every one decent woman I went out with I had to wade through ten or more nutty goof balls. For example. I'll give you one. I went out with this woman that didn't like it because I had to work on Sundays. It was the nature of the job. I had plenty of off time during the week. She told me that if I didn't quit my job, She wouldn't go out with me anymore. I asked her why. This was her answer. Because she couldn't date a man that was going to he11 for working on Sunday. I happen to know a little about the bible myself. I told her this, The bible says that if you have an OX in a ditch on the Sabbath,Get it out of the ditch. In other words, If you have to work, WORK. She went nuts. Told me I was the devil incarnate. Never wanted to see me again. Nutty,Nutty. And in a way you are right about the "picky/defense" thing. With me though, It's defense against nutty people. I've been musing as to why my experience was so different from yours and I think I know why. We didn't much go out on single dates, but in our city we had some awesome people that organized monthly 'game nights' and evenings out dancing or going to local exhibits. It gave everyone a chance to meet each other in a group with no pressure. As I said, a core group fell away to Facebook where we continue to do this. There are movie nights, game nights, trips to museums, etc... Meetup is another site that a lot of my friends use. Again same scenario. Going out with a group as opposed to individual dates. The idea is the same...getting out from behind the keyboard and into 'real life'. |
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Topic:
How do you fight?
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My Dad had periodic rage-attacks and turned into a "madman." So I got used to being around angry and unreasonable people at an early age..I stood-up to my Dad as I got older and held my "ground" despite his rantings and ravings...Both my Mom and I kept telling him to "grow-up."..He was a kind and caring and reasonable person most of the time and even playful...He just let his feelings build-up over time until he reached a "boiling point" and "erupted" on a periodic basis...One time I told him he reminded me of the Wizard of Oz character in the movie. The "wizard" tried to scare and control the town by making noises with a computer-like machine. ( But it was all a "smoke screen.")..There was no real "wizard." Just a shy and cowardly man who wanted to keep everyone "at bay."...I don't usually get intimidated by angry or defensive people due to my experiences with my Dad... I "stand my ground" and "mess" with their head. But I prefer mellow and reasonable people (most of all) who don't become "hyper-emotional" and erratic! Ah now see with my father it was dead opposite. He would get angry and if you said the wrong word it led into us being hurt. So my mother and I would 'scheme' to keep life in our home as calm as possible and we even had plans what to do to escape him when he went off. This taught me the opposite of what you just said. Confrontation and anger are to be avoided at all times as they lead to bad things. I had to unlearn this as an adult, but still most of the time I get jello knees and flocks of butterflies in my tummy when I have to deal with someone who is angry. I've learned how to do it and what to say and have been very successful, but that little girl is still inside me trying to run away and hide. I've learned that anger can be productive if used correctly and have even allowed myself to express those feelings from time to time. I know that it's not an inherent part of my personality and that I'd far rather hide, cry, or manipulate but that's the child in me and HER coping mechanisms. |
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I know that things never stay the same
and that we ought to become accustomed to change I know too that to live is to die and before we ever learned to laugh we first learned to cry. Angels hush and silken wings calm me as I listen to them sing. Looking up towards the sky I shoulder this life and know that I must continue to try. Up towards an ever saving grace step after step in even measured pace the load is heavy and I am weary beset on every side from dangers of which I am ever leery I rail against the unknown wanting only to go home wishing there was someone by my side a hand to hold to guiding me to that wide blue sky |
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Topic:
Real woman
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A real woman must be femine,humble,neat,submissive,a help mate,royal,a mother,caring,a good cook and sexy. That is what will make your man crazy about you he will always wanna be with you.No reasonable man can resist a real woman. Let me know what you think. I think that there is no such thing as human nature and when you talk about what men want women to be like you should really talk about an ideal woman rather than a "real" one. Do I want a woman to be submisive or do I want one of these "modern feminist "I don't really need a man and I'm not going to take any rubbish from them" types? Well, the submisive ones don't really exist anymore and that only leaves women that are going to be dificult or impossible. Don't you think you're painting with just a bit of a broad brush there? Leaving aside the question of why a woman SHOULD take rubbush from a man (would a man take it from a woman? No), have you considered that a woman who is non-submissive and is her own person (which is really all that feminism is anyway) might actually be more interesting as a partner? Intelligent men who are secure in their own personhood and masculinity generally find themselves more attracted to a woman who is herself a secure and independent-minded person, because they can find more to talk about and they meet on much more level ground. At least that's been my experience with the men I've dated -- the best ones have always been attracted to a woman who can actually provide a bit of challenge. That isn't the same as being "difficult or impossible"... it just means that she thinks for herself and doesn't wait for a man to tell her what to think or say or do. Obviously, in a relationship, both partners have to employ some give and take to make things work, but each ought to be a person in their own right. I just think that women are dificult. I accept that no woman is going to take any rubbish from me and I don't really want to take any rubbish from women. I often have to though. Now, the argument is that there is no contradiction in a woman saying that she doesn't need a man but that she would like one. She somehow wants a man without needing one. She is, in fact, unsure if she really wants a man. Do you follow me? They say that they are already happy and they don't need a man to make them happy but they are on a dating site looking for a man. Why? It seems plausible to conclude that they are not entirely happy because they don't have a man or that they think that they might be happier if they had one. Granted, a woman that just agreed with everything that I said would be a bit boring but if I am not myself being unreasonable it is not unreasonable of me to expect a woman to submit to my will. If I am prepared to submit to a woman's will in certain matters why should I not expect her to also go along with what I really want if I am not being unreasonable? To quote the great Marilyn Monroe... "If you can't handle the worst of me, you don't deserve the best of me" |
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Topic:
Real woman
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I just think that women are dificult. Perhaps women just appear to be difficult to a man who is difficult. *cymbal clash* 
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Topic:
who can marry me. tell girls
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hippie...you changed your pic?? I'm still waiting for the tattoos... Yep, I'm clean shaven again. You gotsa wait till I have a chrome dome on top!! *pout* I liked the beard. 
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Topic:
who can marry me. tell girls
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hippie...you changed your pic?? I'm still waiting for the tattoos... Yep, I'm clean shaven again. You gotsa wait till I have a chrome dome on top!! *pout* I liked the beard.
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Topic:
who can marry me. tell girls
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hippie...you changed your pic??
I'm still waiting for the tattoos...
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If a man has a physical disability, then it will affect the kind of lifestyle and the size of income that the man has. Lifestyle and income size may not matter to a woman who puts love ahead of materialism, but finding such a woman isn't necessarily an easy task, especially if one lives in the USA. Yeah because it's inconceivable that someone with a disability could have a high salaried job. Are you for real man? *giggle* I used to work for a fellow who was a quadriplegic. He works online and makes more money than I could ever hope to. Every time I helped him with personal care, I'd take his shirt off, then he'd shoot me a goofy grin and say "Your turn!" I loved being with him, and was describing him to a friend, and it wasn't until the next day that she figured out he was disabled. The perception that people have of you stems directly from the perceptions you have of yourself. I can't emphasize that strongly enough. |
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Topic:
How do you fight?
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*smile* I am fluent in ASL, as I have a Deaf brother. In my family, that's just how we communicate. My ex-husband was a sign language interpreter, and ASL was our language. So much easier to express emotions of love or to say "let's get the heck outta here!" to each other in company. Mind you, arguing in ASL can be painful too. I've sprained fingers. Mostly though I find that as I get older, I try to be calm and to reason things out. My mother raised me with guilt and when I was younger, I used to manipulate people. I realized a while back how unhealthy that was, and I worked hard to be comfortable with calm and reasonable confrontation. okay, my curiosity is piqued... I can get how sign language is less intrusively confrontational, although self inflicted pain then becomes an issue... but being able to manipulate people??? I'm trying to picture this during a heated exchange, and nothing is coming clearly to my mind... unless maybe at the end of a gun barrel, your opponent was more highly motivated to give in to your line of reasoning *smile* I simply meant that rather than discussing things and working out a solution, I would bring on the waterworks and try to make my partner feel guilty. It is immature behaviour, but you use the tools that you have. Some people never learned how to be mature during confrontation. It's a skill that needs to be learned. When I was going through my divorce 13 years ago, I went to counselling b/c I was having a hard time dealing with it. I learned a lot of skills that I feel should have been taught to me as a child. As a child I learned that confrontation of any kind was to be avoided, as it led to bad things. (I had a rough childhood and ended up in the foster care system). Some people avoid any kind of confrontation and that is NOT healthy, as it leaks out in other ways, such as 'silent treatment', jealousy, fear, apprehension. How can you have a healthy, functioning, loving relationship that way? You can't. *sliding gun behind the couch with the toe of my foot* I think I like you Ruth, and your gun sliding toe... water works, huh? I wish that worked for me, cuz I can cry at the drop of a hat, but never when being aggressively confronted... anger tends to ignite my fright and flight mode and I can't run away fast enough if my eyes are blurry from tears... I'm sorry to hear of your troubled past, but you appear to have learned and grown strong because of it... and I admire every woman who is able to overcome adversity and live her life with dignity...  Thanks sugarbug....we are all works in progress. It's just that some of us are Monets and others are Picassos.
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The same, but a lot less shy.
I used to hide behind my mother and only converse in head shakes...up and down for yes and back and forth for no. When I got a bit older, my vocabulary increased with shoulder shrugs and eye rolls. Then in high school, I took drama and public speaking. Even though scared to death, I knew I had to do something. It worked. Gave me confidence to actually open my mouth and talk. now I don't shut up. *smile* But essentially at the core...still the same. |
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Hi Jay...I just read your profile an here goes... 1. You are a nice looking man, but you look angry and intense in your photo. Try and take a picture of yourself more relaxed and smiling. 2. I enjoyed your pofile, all except the statement "I walked in on my wife in bed with another man."...Very painful visual. You could change that to...my marriage ended when my wife had an affair. That's a bit more gentle and easier to read. Other than those areas, I think it's all good. Blessings to you in your search. Exactly what she said...
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