My last non-Mingle relationship fell apart...
...but I found a new relationship here on Mingle.

That's why I haven't been active here much.

I wish you all well. I hope you all find whatever you are looking for.

Next time you see me, I hope it will be in the Success Stories thread.

The child comes first.

Truth is, a woman in your life is not going to miraculously fix your problems. Neither is having a mentor or a father figure in your life.

Change comes from within. Only you can change you.

Can a woman or a mentor help to provide the spark that makes you want to change? Yes.

Can a woman or a mentor help you to feel better about yourself or your life? Yes.

Will either stay around if you expect them to do the work for you? No.

But I do think you are beginning to change your thinking, Mark.
You have shown that you recognize you need some sort of spark, like jumpstarting a car, to help you move yourself in the right direction. That is a very good first step.

Therefore, we need to find something that helps motivate you.

It sounds like you feel unloved. It sounds like you feel unheard and disrespected. In short, it seems you need someone in your life who can empathize with you in a constructive manner. But that by itself won't be enough. You also need someone that knows how to listen and communicate effectively with you.

That means it needs to be someone who fully understands how Asperger's affects you. Not someone who tries to control you. Someone who allows you to be yourself while guiding you back onto a constructive path whenever you begin straying.

The only failed theory I can recall is from a rumor...

That an ice dragon had been trapped inside The Wall. According to the theory, the breaching of The Wall would have undid the magic holding the ice dragon, allowing it to be freed, and to join The Night King.

Instead, The Night King created his own ice dragon by stealing one of Daenerys'.

Which brings up another failed theory, though not one of my own. That would be the third dragon rider. There were many theories: Tyrion, Arya, Bran, etc. Personally, I never could figure out who the third rider would be.

You see, the dragons were somewhat color-coded. Dany's dragon was black and red, the colors of House Targaryen. Another was white and blue, the colors of House Stark, which always seemed to hint towards Jon Snow. The third was green and bronze. I could never find anyone or any family who utilized those two colors.

Well, it seems that Jon rode the green and bronze, while The Night King rode the white and blue. My guess is that was a deliberate curveball placed by the author George R.R. Martin.

Mark, I will let you in on a secret.

In your parents' eyes, you will always be a child. That's because no matter how old you get, you will ALWAYS be their child.

Secondly, you have a disability. Yes, that may skew your parents' view even more towards child rather than adult. The good news is that you can change this.

Don't be afraid to tell your mother what you truly think. You lose nothing by trying. The worst that can happen is that nothing changes. But nothing will change unless you speak up.

If you don't say anything, you will continue to have regret, frustration, sadness, and anger.

If you do say something, then even if nothing else happens, you can proudly say that you stood your ground, put forth the effort, and communicated the thoughts and feelings you felt were important to you. In fact, that is part of what makes a person an adult. It could be an eye-opener for your mom.

You see, to get your mother to treat you as an adult, you need to act like an adult. You have to show her that you have matured mentally and emotionally.

Adulthood is more than just your age. It is largely about responsibility -- accepting it rather than avoiding it or making excuses or giving up in frustration. When you accept responsibility, you also have to demonstrate perseverance. When life isn't going your way, you keep trying despite failure. You keep moving forward, trying to make your life better. Sometimes that means we have to do a few things we do not enjoy, and would rather not do.

Who cares if you read comic books or watch cartoons or whatever else some may consider childish. Guess what? I've read comics as an adult. I watch a lot of Japanese anime too. In fact, I played roleplaying games like AD&D until I was into my forties, and I know people older than myself who are still playing them.

But don't take my word for it. Look at the movies. Look at how popular The Avengers, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, Iron Man, Batman, Thor, and The Guardians Of The Galaxy have been. Who do you think made those movies popular? Adults!!! And they have dragged their kids to see them, not the other way around.

Personally, I know how you feel. I've been there myself. I felt like my parents treated me like a kid until I was into my thirties. It began to change after I worked for my father's business for 8 years. Why that? Because it gave me a chance to talk a lot more with my dad. He got to know me a lot better than he had since I was a kid. In other words, communication is what caused my parents to begin treating me like an adult.

There are other ways too, as I touched on earlier. But good and honest communication is where it begins.

It is also a good way to begin taking control of your life. Voice your opinion.
State your reasoning. Get involved with the decision-making.

You can do this.

You might have been blocked.

This thread may actually break one of the forum rules. Also, one of your posts might have broken one of the forum rules. Either way, you should have received an email explaining this.

As for your most recent post, Mark...
You are refusing to see the point. You are still caught up in projecting your emotions rather than looking inward to see how you could take charge of your own life.

Until you stop doing this, there is nothing -- NOTHING -- that anybody can ever do to help you solve your problems. Change comes from within yourself. Nobody can solve your problems for you.

So again, it comes back to changing your attitude, whether you believe me or not.

When you change your attitude, other people begin changing how they react to you. A positive attitude tends to bring positive results, especially from other people.

We tried.

Unfortunately, you can't help someone who is not willing to help himself.

I personally know that racism is still very much a problem in South Africa. It may not make the news as regularly as 30 years ago, but that does not mean it is gone.

I have known people from South Africa. White people from South Africa. And some of the things I heard them say about black people...

Instant turn-off. Both were attractive women. But once I heard their racial views, I lost all interest in those ladies.

(Most Recent listed first)

Captain Marvel
Year One
Alita: Battle Angel
Miss Bala
Glass

DA,

Thank you! You made my week.

997

A completely random number that popped into my head.

Mark -- You need to stop. Just STOP.

R2D2R2D2 knows what he's talking about. He has struggled with problems too. He can relate to your situation. He and I don't always agree with each other, but I respect him. I can see he is a good person.

Secondly, the past is the PAST. Stop dwelling on it. It's taking up too much of your time and energy.

The same goes for what is beyond your control. Your mom selling the house is beyond your control. Being born with Asperger's is beyond your control. What truly matters is how you choose to handle them.

Right now, you are making bad choices. That does not mean you are a bad person. You are capable of making good choices. Doing so will improve your life in ways you currently don't see.

You know, I was bullied too. I had other kids call me a f*g**t too.

They do it because they knew they could get a reaction out of you that they found entertaining.

You don't need a weapon. You don't need to get even. You need to change your attitude.

If you break this cycle of anger, depression, and desperation, the bullies will lose interest in you. It won't be fun for them anymore.

Asperger's just makes it harder for you to recognize these things. It does not prevent you from adapting once you do know them.

Yes, being bullied sucks. Yes, losing your home sucks. I've experienced both. I'm still here. I'm doing better. And guess what? Most of those kids who bullied me now get along with me instead. Your life can change.

So....STOP.

Exercise is great for relieving stress and frustration.
Finding something you enjoy, that brings you peace and relaxation, helps as well.

But stop fixating! You cannot control other people. Right now you feel your life is out of control. There is only one way to gain control over your life: Take control of yourself and the choices you make.

Not everything is going to work out. Even the most successful people admit that they had to fail before they could succeed. The important thing was that they learned from their failures.

Right now, despite all your frustration, you are choosing to NOT take control of yourself. You are choosing instead to point fingers and lay blame on everyone but yourself.

In other words, you are focusing your energy in the wrong direction.

Mark, you are thinking emotionally, not logically.

You are basing your thoughts and opinions on a small sample size.

You need to break this negative conditioning you have. Otherwise, you will continue to persever.

The first step is to stop reacting. Based on everything you've been saying, I bet you are feeling a lot of emotional stimuli. You are in overload, and feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, by reacting rather than detaching yourself, you are just feeding the cycle of emotions.

You need to step back, take a deep breath, and count to 10.
Do this three times.
It will help you calm down. It will help clear your mind. It will help you detach from your emotions. You will be more able to think clearly and logically.

Make sure you do it slowly. Don't rush the breathing. Don't hyperventilate. Slow and easy breaths. It is the extra oxygen from the air that helps you.

After you have done this, I want you to think about something...
I want you to think about this thread.
Think about how many people you felt were just being mean.
Then think about how many people have given you advice, or been supportive, or have tried to help you.

I'm pretty sure you will see that most people in this thread have tried to help you in some way, but only one was "mean" as you called it.

The same is true of the world around you. Most people aren't bad. Most people who work with the disabled are not bad people.

You have just been living in a tiny pocket of bad people. If you move out of that pocket, you may find that the world is not as bad as you thought.

Budget and finances

I think most of the women here in the Forums are a bit more progressive.

It also could be the area I live. Puritanical values and all that.


Anyway...

OT -
While guys may joke and snicker over it...
A lot of women seem to want a man who isn't afraid to cuddle up for awhile, even if it's just watching t.v.

It's not just a form of affection or attention. It seems to provide women with a sense of security. Many women have told me, feeling safe and secure is one of the things they seek from a man.

Everything you mentioned, I have experienced too. No joke.

The secret lies in how you choose to manage those experiences. Right now, you are frustrated, and focusing on the negatives. It's not working for you. Therefore you need to try something different.

Yes, your experiences have been rough. How can they be made to work for you rather than against you?

Well, I bet you learned a few things from them. If you can apply that new knowledge in a positive way, then those experiences become positive too.

For now, you need to stop telling yourself you are stupid. Just stop it. No questions. Just do it.

Secondly, not all group homes are the same! My clients had their own house. Just two of them living in the house. Both of them had jobs. Your disability is not as severe as theirs. You can do better than they do. You can have a much better life than they do.

Thirdly, just because you have Asperger's does not mean you cannot be successful. Dan Akyroyd has Asperger's. Look how successful he has been.

I used to work with Autistic adults.

Your writing is much better than my clients'.

You are much more articulate.

I don't see a lack of intelligence. What I see is frustration.

That frustration may stem from not finding the proper way for you to learn. For instance, you may not be a verbal learner. You might learn better visually.

Why not?

What makes you so unfit?

It sounds more like how you've been programmed by the people around you. Furthermore, it sounds like you acknowledge this through your own resentment towards them. You know they are bad for you, yet you feel trapped.

Your words are filled with frustration and negativity. As long as you focus on those, you will perpetuate your own misery. You need to shift your mental focus, redirect yourself.

If you can do that, then you can begin to undo the mental conditioning you have had to endure. You can build your own conditioning that is more positive and empowering.



Edit:
My friend who graduated from Yale University? He had Asperger's too. He has a decent job working for a publishing company.

Based on how you write, you don't seem "retarded" to me. Your writing is very clear. The only thing wrong with it is punctuation.

Therefore, I don't see a lack of intelligence. What I see more is a lack of self-confidence. That could be caused by any number of reasons, including some form of disability.

From what you've said, I think it's safe to say you have a learning disability of some kind. But not all learning disabilities are equal. Maybe you were judged for being a special needs class, but that does not necessarily mean your disability is anywhere near as severe as others you have known. From what you have shared, I can deduce that you already recognize this which is why you feel you have not been judged fairly.


Two of my neighbors have Autism. They live by themselves in their own apartments. But they are not fully functional socially. They put forth a good effort though, and I don't mind having them as neighbors. In fact, I drive one of them to various places he needs to go. We even talk about doing things together, like eating at a restaurant or going bowling.

I had another friend who had Autism, and he's a graduate of Yale University.

I use them as examples, not a diagnosis.

I have known another person with a Traumatic Brain Injury. He is functional and self-supporting. Yet he also qualifies for disability.

I have known people with schizophrenia who also were functional and self-supporting.

My brother was diagnosed with ADHD at age 40. He has had a successful career, plus a wife and 2 sons.

In the field, there is a saying: "You are not your disability."

In other words, if you identify yourself solely by your disability rather than your other attributes, then you alone are responsible for limiting what you can accomplish. It is your mindset, not your disability, that ends up limiting you.

You may not be able to change your disability, but you CAN change your mindset.


Me? I have an anxiety disorder. I have a depressive disorder which has caused numerous episodes that I can recall going back to age 5. I likely have a third undiagnosed disorder. Among the disorders considered by psychiatrists have been Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and possibly mild Autism.

I was treated for anxiety and depression. I no longer receive medication nor therapy. I have been through 3 Intensive Outpatient Programs plus individual therapy. The biggest hurdle for me was to stop defining myself by "what is wrong with me".


It's okay if you don't want to tell us your disability. That's your decision, and we can respect that. I, for one, am not going to judge you based on your disability or your friends (I don't even know them!).

In the end, if you want help or support from the Mingle2 community, then we need to fully understand your personal situation. Otherwise, most of the advice we offer won't be good nor appropriate.

Why would I ever have to make this decision???

Unless I'm spending my grocery money on prostitutes, I really don't see the issue. After all, I can cook!

If this is about my partner being horrible at cooking....Pffft! I'll do the cooking then.

So I would give up neither.