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| Topic: Keeping things casual.. | |
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Soooooo.. how do you date somebody but keep it casual?? you know!! without getting too serious about each other... I have a couple co-workers they have women in their lives but they don't want to get tied down to just one... but they don't want to feel like they're cheating.. but at the same time they want the freedom to date people casually... this always seems very complicated to me... how can you be open and honest about such relationships... without the other person getting offended... I mean sure sure on paper it all sounds good just tell them!!.. but in real life not so easy... they usually just end up lying to the other person making excuses why they can't see them while they date somebody else on the side.... so how do you have a relationship.. with one person but keep your options open to date somewhere else... does it all come down to..sex..?... just seems very complicated!!. You start dating somebody you start developing feelings for them they start developing feelings for you but at the same time you want to keep your freedom...hmmmm..
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This never seems to work out.
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i see complications there ...good ones for phd lol
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I think you are putting women in the position of feeling,
as one of many, that you are just waiting for something better to come along. Not a woman thing, more a man thing, wanting to spread that seed around. We want a nest. |
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I am kinda surprised at you no.1 and your friends .... The worst thing you can do is lie and sneak around dating behind their back .. you should spell out casual .. right from the very start .. they at least deserve to know that and decide if it is something they are ok with . Agree |
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I am kinda surprised at you no.1 and your friends .... The worst thing you can do is lie and sneak around dating behind their back .. you should spell out casual .. right from the very start .. they at least deserve to know that and decide if it is something they are ok with . Then what do you do? |
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I think you are putting women in the position of feeling, as one of many, that you are just waiting for something better to come along. Not a woman thing, more a man thing, wanting to spread that seed around. We want a nest. |
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I am kinda surprised at you no.1 and your friends .... The worst thing you can do is lie and sneak around dating behind their back .. you should spell out casual .. right from the very start .. they at least deserve to know that and decide if it is something they are ok with . Then what do you do? Pics of your hot dates  |
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it if you have Faith
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true love need honesty and committed
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Edited by
Duttoneer
on
Fri 06/30/17 02:14 AM
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Casual is not the kind of relationship I would be interested in, I would at least want a relationship to go somewhere, whether or not that ever happened would of course depend on how things work out. My interpretation of your casual dating requirements, and that of a couple of your co-workers, is no more than Friends with benefits in my opinion, because I do not see any difference. The answer to your dilemma and that of your co-workers is 'Friends with Benefits', because that way no one is under any illusions and you are all being totally honest upfront. Leaving all those that want to find a more serious relationship in the longer term to find the same. |
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Totally agree with Blondey.
I do think it is important that you match your actions and behaviour up with that. Don't do things that would indicate 'more than casual'. And that's where it will likely start to go wrong, cos I think men love to revel in the 'more than casual' they get of a woman, they just don't want to invest emotionally themselves. Then men say "But I did tell her!!" Sure you did. But if your actions and behaviour don't match the words, it won't matter. Then she'll think things are changing. So if you want casual only, keep it casual only, and accept you won't get the perks either. You can't win 'em all, but that's your choice. |
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how do you date somebody but keep it casual? Only a few ways. 1. Choose to date someone else who wants to only keep it casual, work together on forcing it to remain casual. 2. Make sure to communicate clearly their place in the hierarchy of importance in your life. Make choices that always puts them less than something else. Work, family, friends, whatever. Force them into a casual position. 3. Date others or spend lengthy periods apart from each other to interfere with the natural bonding process. 4. Lie and manipulate, yourself and others. how can you be open and honest about such relationships - by being an open and honest person. - by being with people who are accepting and rewarding of openness and honesty. does it all come down to..sex..? Kind of an oversimplification, but yes. By choosing to have sex with someone, you are ultimately giving in to your body's natural mating pressure and telling your brain you've chosen a mate and to go ahead with the process of developing the natural bonds to stay together since you've chosen to attempt to make a baby. If you fight the bonding process, and/or there's no baby's coming forth, you're telling your brain to stop the bonding process, which automatically forces it to start paying more attention to other potential future mates. just seems very complicated!!. You start dating somebody you start developing feelings for them they start developing feelings for you but at the same time you want to keep your freedom Not all that complicated until you get into the chemistry and specific sociological factors. People want what they want when and how they want it without risk, cost, or consequence any greater than the minimum necessary to validate the ego while not changing the status quo. IOW like babies. They want to cry, and be given a delicious meal of milk, or to be held, or stimulated in some way, and when they've had their fill they want you to go away and leave them alone until they ring the cry bell and you come back and give them what they want. That never changes. Growing up you're taught that isn't a viable avenue of fulfillment. You are taught you have to give something up to get something. AKA sharing, cooperating, compromising, responsibility. The hard but also not that complicated part is trying to maintain the image of being a "good" unselfish (cooperative, sharing, compromising, responsible) adult person, that upholds the social contract, while attempting to pursue selfish gratification and personal benefit. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Fri 06/30/17 11:22 AM
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I agree with Duttoneer. What your friends seem to be seeking is a FWB ( friends with benefits) .
But think about it Doc. How many of us (both men and women) have developed romantic feelings for friends we NEVER had sex with, or had friends develop romantic feelings for us ? There’s a reason for that. Feelings can become romantic and intense with platonic friends, without so much as a kiss being shared between them! The problem with FWBs is that the friendship often intensifies more than planned , and when you couple that with the passionate/tender sex , it can easily begin to feel like a relationship to ONE person, DESPITE the original intention and statement of detachment, and very often, one person eventually develops a hope/yearning for stability/commitment . You cant expect to feed into the “relationship feeling”, with regular texting , mutual sharing of lives, date nights, etc and expect the other person to think it’s a sex arrangement and nothing more. Its confusing to the other person, no matter how clearly you stated your FWB intentions at the beginning. But the truth is that the guy in the FWB often feeds into the “relationship vibe”, even if he knows its misleading to the woman because he is fully enjoying the feeling of nurturing, connection and stability that the BLURRED LINE in the FWB provides , and as Crystal alluded, they want to enjoy the benefits of a relationship, without the responsibility of commitment. (And yes. I know some women are guilty of doing the same thing.)But most of the times, its simply not realistic to expect benefits without responsibility. Let me take the time to acknowledge that there are some happy exceptions to the rule, and some couples are successfully able to navigate the FWB for months and even years, but I venture to say that they are in the minority. So to answer your OP “ how can you be open and honest about casual relationships... without the other person getting offended ? You often can’t, and honesty is not a key to your personal gain anyway.You practice honesty because its the right thing to do , regardless of whether the end result suits you or not. Additionally Doc.. Arent we ALL subjected to the trial by error process of finding a partner who fundamentally wants the same thing we do? Its a long an arduous search for ALL of us whether we are looking for a life partner, a temporarily committed partner, or an FWB, but shouldnt the underlying principle ALWAYS be honesty? So Keep looking for an FWB who wants what you want, and practice the same honesty yourself that you require from her. |
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ok. so how do you get away from that I have a pretty nice nest... but then they just want to come in sit on the nest all the time..lol You don't..multiple dates with multiple women simply means you are still looking around. |
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Either you are a real grown up, a real mature adult, and you take complete responsibility for your choices and your actions, or you are NOT a true mature adult, and you skulk around and play games and lie, and try to blame "society" or the other person.
Interacting with other human beings romantically is serious business. What's actually described above, is a situation where guys are just pretending to be grownups, and are saying something like "I don't wanna tell her the TRUTH, because they I might not get what I want from her." Zero honor to be found in this kind of thinking and behavior. If you want to "date casually," and you also want to be a man of honor, then you will accept ALL of what comes as a result of that choice of yours, as completely your responsibility. Fun and unpleasant alike. |
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I agree with Duttoneer. What your friends seem to be seeking is a FWB ( friends with benefits) . But think about it Doc. How many of us (both men and women) have developed romantic feelings for friends we NEVER had sex with, or had friends develop romantic feelings for us ? There’s a reason for that. Feelings can become romantic and intense with platonic friends, without so much as a kiss being shared between them! The problem with FWBs is that the friendship often intensifies more than planned , and when you couple that with the passionate/tender sex , it can easily begin to feel like a relationship to ONE person, DESPITE the original intention and statement of detachment, and very often, one person eventually develops a hope/yearning for stability/commitment . You cant expect to feed into the “relationship feeling”, with regular texting , mutual sharing of lives, date nights, etc and expect the other person to think it’s a sex arrangement and nothing more. Its confusing to the other person, no matter how clearly you stated your FWB intentions at the beginning. But the truth is that the guy in the FWB often feeds into the “relationship vibe”, even if he knows its misleading to the woman because he is fully enjoying the feeling of nurturing, connection and stability that the BLURRED LINE in the FWB provides , and as Crystal alluded, they want to enjoy the benefits of a relationship, without the responsibility of commitment. (And yes. I know some women are guilty of doing the same thing.)But most of the times, its simply not realistic to expect benefits without responsibility. Let me take the time to acknowledge that there are some happy exceptions to the rule, and some couples are successfully able to navigate the FWB for months and even years, but I venture to say that they are in the minority. So to answer your OP “ how can you be open and honest about casual relationships... without the other person getting offended ? You often can’t, and honesty is not a key to your personal gain anyway.You practice honesty because its the right thing to do , regardless of whether the end result suits you or not. Additionally Doc.. Arent we ALL subjected to the trial by error process of finding a partner who fundamentally wants the same thing we do? Its a long an arduous search for ALL of us whether we are looking for a life partner, a temporarily committed partner, or an FWB, but shouldnt the underlying principle ALWAYS be honesty? So Keep looking for an FWB who wants what you want, and practice the same honesty yourself that you require from her. |
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is this another I want a someone at my beck and call but only when it is convenient for me
and only as long as she doesn't get all touch and feely with me on feelings and stuff kind of thread 
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is this another I want a someone at my beck and call but only when it is convenient for me and only as long as she doesn't get all touch and feely with me on feelings and stuff kind of thread |
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I can never figure this out we're supposed to be dating... the odds aren't good that you're going to find mr. Or mrs. Perfect Right Out of the Box... so how do you date multiple people are no it's the right one even for that matter
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