I dont enjoy judging others, myself.

Drug/alcohol addiction.
Unmedicated/self medicated mental health issues.
Dumb and proud of it personality.
Pretentiousness.
Poor hygiene.
Stinky cooch.

Arfvedson, this does not have to do with judging someone.

And I drive a Corvette.

The point of this thread isn't about judging others.

It's about personal comfort zone, i.e. what do you find yourself unable to tolerate in a partner?

For instance, one person might like to drive fast and wild in a muscle car while that person's prospective partner might faint at the mere thought. The two are not compatible. Two vastly different personality types.

I have to disagree. It is, and always will be, about judgements. People will make judgements about the type of person you are based on; the clothes you wear, how you comb you hair, (if you have any), the car you drive, the house and neighborhood you live in, how much you tip the wait staff, your job, how you speak and the words you use, the color of your skin, and any number of other things. They will then align those judgements with what they call "personal preference" and decide if you are the "type" of person they want to be with.

The point of this thread isn't about judging others.
Ummm, yes it is.

Dealbreaker personality traits are worse than dealbreaking preferences.
The conditions of a deal braking preference can be changed so they are no longer dealbreakers (Stinky takes a shower).
Personality dealbreakers require a rewrite of the personality for it to no longer be a dealbreaker and some people accept other's personalities but not the conditions of that person.
A judgement that is far deeper than shallow issues of conditions.
I exist with a Good-Neutral personality.
I don't interact well with Neutral-Evil or Evil-Evil personalities.
I can accept them but I don't want to get close to them.

You may view it as judging, but I disagree.

For instance, the two may still be able to be good friends. But to become immersed in an intimate relationship is a different story.

I loved my dad, but I couldn't stand sitting at dinner table with him because he was a loud eater. I wasn't judging him. I just don't like hearing those noises. I put up with it, but only because I knew that if I said anything THEN it would become judging. That is, I would be trying to make him conform to my own thinking.

And that's what judging is -- attempting to make others to conform to your own reality.

Letting others live their own lives as they will, but without becoming intimately attached....that's actually accepting personalities of BOTH sides.

Somewhere someone said that judging others is bad.
Probably said by someone that doesn't quite fit in with the people they want to fit in with.
The entire concept of not judging others is a delusion.
Everyone judges everyone they meet, always.
We either accept them or reject them based on our own judgements.
Its a safety preservation mechanism.
To make no assessment of anyone puts you at risk.

I judge everyone (including myself).
My assessments determine (determine how I act and) whether I want to be around that person or if I stay away. My judgements are based on how I perceive that person (and myself) and whether they are within my tolerance of life.
The ones that are not do not cause me a problem because I accept them for themselves and just ignore them. I don't form bonds with them.

Judgement itself isn't bad, what you do with that judgement can be.

^^^ That much is true.

Sure you were.


The judgement was made but you didn't act on it.
Had you NOT judged him at all, there wouldn't have been any issue at all and there would not be a need to decide to act on the judgement or not.

But see, its difficult to realize that judgements are not always negative. Flip it around. What if he was a quiet eater. You have a dislike of noisy eaters so a quiet eater is also judged. Its a positive judgement that you may or may not act on.
You are aware of how loud others eat. It is an issue that forms a judgement for you.
I don't really pay attention to it unless it disrupts the atmosphere of the table. Then I will tell them to chew with their mouths closed and forget about it. (I did help raise 4 kids and 3 were boys)
Its a non-issue for me. Therefore, I am not focused on it.

The point is, we all judge. We judge negative and positive things constantly. We don't act on every judgement but the action or inaction does not define the judgement.

If you go to someone's house and its very clean and orderly and you like clean and orderly you judge that person on their housekeeping skills but you may not say anything about it because you expect others to also value clean and orderly.

If you go to someone's house and it is dirty and messy but you prefer clean and orderly you judge that person on their housekeeping skills but you may not say anything about it because they might prefer dirty and messy.

The judgement is made either way because it is an issue for you.
Housekeeping may not be an issue for that person.

When you say something (act) on your judgement you are attempting to place that person into your expectation of who they are and how you expect them to act. That is not judgement, its manipulation.

I really think it's a matter of perspective.

First of all, I just don't like noise in general. So my dad wasn't the real problem. Now, you could call that a judgement right there, perhaps. But the reality is that I recognized the real problem was my dislike of noise. Therefore, the problem was with me, not him. In truth, he was a noisy eater because he had respiratory problems.

I see that as simply recognizing and accepting my own personality quirk.

That's true.
All I'm saying is the judgement is there whether it is acted on or not.
The judgement exists based on our own expectations for things that matter to us.
Things that are not an issue are not judged.
Actions, whether and inward acceptance/rejection or an outward action are not judgements, they are actions. Actions based on judgement.

Actions have consequences. Sometimes the consequences are positive and sometimes they are negative. Without action, judgements have no consequences. Sometimes failure to heed a judgement can have consequences but the "failure to heed" is the action, not the judgement.

added

drug/alcohol addition
Financially insecure/high
Debt

I have judged you to be an intelligent man.
I have judged your responses to be that you do not grasp the concepts I am trying to relate.

My action, based on this judgement, causes me to attempt to clarify myself to you so we align in understanding.
I judge that you are attempting to clarify your assessments to me.
I acknowledge your views and accept them as yours.
I am not trying to invalidate your views, I am trying to clarify mine.

Your views and my persistence in attempting to clarify mine have not caused a reaction to how I judge you. My judgement of the gap in our mutual understanding causes a reduction our unity of thought. My actions are an attempt to create a unity in the concepts I am attempting to relate to you.

THIS:
"Letting others live their own lives as they will, but without becoming intimately attached....that's actually accepting personalities of BOTH sides."

I don't care if someones has things I can't live with, I just chose to not have them in my life...
I didn't reach 57 and not knoiw what I can and can't tolerate in a partner/ living space..

But, the thing is..*other people* seem bothered that I don't care for/ to be around x, y, z...
They complain/ argue/ whine I need to be less rigid, be more flexible, open...(meaning, overlook their particular thing that I have told them would be a dealbreaker)..
Why?
Why don't you instead focus your search on the person who is the nost compatible with you..and let me do the same?

It takes nothing away from you that I can't deal with whatever it is you do/ are into...you don't know me...we've barely chatted..
I certainly am not telling YOU to change or stop doing whatever...
I am merely saying thanks, but not my thing/ cup of tea...

I think misinterpretation of the Bible has put a negative spin on JUDGE. to judge is merely to form an opinion, it is an involuntary function of the brain to do this, although WHAT judgment is a voluntary function.

judgment about another's actions or words is not bad when motivated by observation and not ego or bigotry of those things people have no say in(ancestry, anatomy, childhood environments or financial status)

Phew, saved by the bell! You're in the good book again :)

Hmm.. but did anyone mention requiring a personality re-write?
To me it's a simple matter of "compatible or not compatible".
Certain things will not be compatible and are thus deal-breakers. I wouldn't require a personality re-write, I just need to find the compatible person. Same other way round, if my traits or quirks or flaws (if I have any of course, lol hahahaha) are deal-breakers for someone else, then we're not a good match. Quite simple.
Is that judgement? Not the ego type of judgement that is meant. Judging more like discernment. Not sure if that'd be the right word? Not my first lingo after all. But judgement like 'sound judgement'.

For some reason there is a stigmata against the idea of judging.
Compatibility and preference dealbreakers are judgements.
Compatibility and preference alignments are judgements too.

I'm not saying we all don't have dealbreakers to forming intimacy with others but it has everything to do with judgement.
Call it what you will but we make judgements that determine what we 'are' and 'are not' "willing" to tolerate.
If ya tolerate something against your better judgement its you that must deal with the consequences.
If you err in judgement its you that has to deal with the consequences.
Judging anything or anyone correctly is beneficial and you reap the rewards.