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Topic: Caring for elderly parents/parent
🍫 KitKat 🍫's photo
Mon 04/04/22 08:17 AM
This might be more rant, than open topic, and I hope I choose the right forum.
But anyone want to talk about the challenges in caring for elderly parents?
I took it on.... I'm broke, exhausted and wondering what next?
I've got family members thinking I should do more, while they continue to work, live their lives and contribute a weekly or monthly call. I'm so so tired! I've gotten two days off, in the past 4 years.
God, it hurts!

Ꮢ Ꭷ Ᏸ ɨ Ꮑ's photo
Mon 04/04/22 08:21 AM
First time i have seen the most cheering an smiling lady's voice getting so heavy..
I'm sorry, i can't say anything on these, just stay strong as you are no doubt and don't pain yourself...
Tc.

delightfulillusion's photo
Mon 04/04/22 08:29 AM
I’ve got my own challenges as you know.

Sending you hugs, comfort and positive energy :heart:

🍫 KitKat 🍫's photo
Mon 04/04/22 08:38 AM
:heart: thank you both for the positive energy
But I'm so conflicted
Apparently it's never enough....... So do I keep on giving till it kills me? Is then it enough?

Larsi666 😽's photo
Mon 04/04/22 08:41 AM
First of all, please accept my thought of strength and courage.

I suppose, I will be in the same boat soon. My parents went downhill very fast. They were begging me to come home a few times. I would have done that anyway, but now it's gonna happen faster then expected ...

delightfulillusion's photo
Mon 04/04/22 08:45 AM

:heart: thank you both for the positive energy
But I'm so conflicted
Apparently it's never enough....... So do I keep on giving till it kills me? Is then it enough?


No you don’t. You need to explain the situation to your extended family and ask them for more support. Let them know how this is affecting you and hopefully things may improve for you. Your well being is important too.


🍫 KitKat 🍫's photo
Mon 04/04/22 08:56 AM
Lars... Thank you :heart:
I'm so sorry to hear about your parents decline
Hope you're able to give what they need without the backlash

SparklingCrystal 💖💎's photo
Mon 04/04/22 08:59 AM
Edited by SparklingCrystal 💖💎 on Mon 04/04/22 09:00 AM

:heart: thank you both for the positive energy
But I'm so conflicted
Apparently it's never enough....... So do I keep on giving till it kills me? Is then it enough?

No, but it's also partly you needing to stand up for yourself.
I don't know what the situation is in the US, over here people are being taken care of in their own home as long as possible with help to dress & bathe them etc. This help is from professional caregivers, not family.
When this is not possible anymore they move into a home for the elderly.
That's how it's over here, and a good thing as it's an immense burden to put on your children.

I think you should have a good conversation with your siblings. I'd say it's time for them to take over completely so you get to recover and can have a life of your own. You deserve it.
And they will object, so be strong.
You have the right to finally think of yourself and get a life and happiness for you!

If need be I'd just force the situation, bring my parent over with all her stuff, and that's that. I do not like to be taken advantage of by people, certainly not the ones that are supposed to love me, which in this case are your siblings.
It's nice and easy for them to just dump it all on you for years on end. You have rights too.

That's my two cents. Do with it what you will.

Larsi666 😽's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:00 AM

Lars... Thank you :heart:
I'm so sorry to hear about your parents decline
Hope you're able to give what they need without the backlash



I know, it will be a challenge. But there is a good network of support available, like community nurses. And I will be able to stay in contact with my psychologist.

Mr Good Guy's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:01 AM
Edited by Mr Good Guy on Mon 04/04/22 09:03 AM

This might be more rant, than open topic, and I hope I choose the right forum.
But anyone want to talk about the challenges in caring for elderly parents?
I took it on.... I'm broke, exhausted and wondering what next?
I've got family members thinking I should do more, while they continue to work, live their lives and contribute a weekly or monthly call. I'm so so tired! I've gotten two days off, in the past 4 years.
God, it hurts!

First you should ask yourself which is the biggest burden/problem....the siblings OR the work in caring for your folks? Surely its both, but identify which of the two is weighing on you most.

If it's the caring for the folks part, look into hiring someone and getting some part time occasional help (maybe siblings will pay). If it's the siblings attitudes towards you, do as delightfulillusion said and explain your situation to them and ask them for more support or just do your best to ignore their comments and focus your efforts towards your parents without guilt. Once they are gone, you'll know you did everything in your power to care for them and you can be very proud and feel good about yourself going forward.

SparklingCrystal 💖💎's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:05 AM
A middle road could be they cough up money every month so you can get a caretaker come by so you can get a life of your own and have the burden taken off of your shoulders.
That'd be the least your siblings could do. And enough money so YOU don't have to pitch in. You've done enough, which made their life easy, and you shouldn't have to take on more. After all you'd still be stuck with your parent in your home, which is a limitation on your life/freedom, no matter how you put it. And even with a caretaker they will not have that problem.

Just a thought.

Merry's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:08 AM
Hi KitKat,

Sending you positive vibes during this time. I have to agree with lovely, Di that your well-being is important too. It's not fair to be under immense strain when others are living their best lives with high-disregard and little consideration. It sounds like you have reached your threshold. Perhaps if there is one or two people in your extended family that you could possibly reach out to that could assist or at least hear your thoughts/ experiences? Avoid family members that are defensive or passive aggressive or even full-on aggressive because it may make the situation even more unbearable.

P.S. It doesn't at all sound like a rant, but that you may be on running on empty.

🍫 KitKat 🍫's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:13 AM


:heart: thank you both for the positive energy
But I'm so conflicted
Apparently it's never enough....... So do I keep on giving till it kills me? Is then it enough?


No you don’t. You need to explain the situation to your extended family and ask them for more support. Let them know how this is affecting you and hopefully things may improve for you. Your well being is important too.



🤣 my bad, I suck at asking for help.
I don't mind doing it but the criticism, hurts! And I have told them, but I'm struggling, to keep a roof over our heads, keeping bills paid, food to eat ,cleaning ,and the basics of life ...... And I'm catching a ton of **** because I'm not entertaining her.

Tom4Uhere's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:20 AM
Sounds like you are in the reality phase of good intentions.

Properly caring for anyone of any age is exhausting.
Caring for a parent (elderly) can be challenging in even more ways. Even more if they suffer from health or memory problems.

You could look into CNA education which will give you the knowledge base of specialized care.
Do a web search for CNA training and read.

You might also research retirement home activity lists for ideas.

You should weigh your options.
Are you giving/can you give someone you love the care and attention they need?

As baby-boomers age into elderly needs many adult children are facing these same decisions. You might consider talking with a councilor. Not only about what your parent needs but what you need too.

From what you've wrote, I wouldn't depend too much on any help or support from your other family members.

I don't know the details of your situation...how old or how frail.

Some things you might consider (To get more 'me' time) is to give the parent something they enjoyed from their past.

-Television shows made today are different than those from my youth. I like to watch shows from my youth because I can not only remember them but I also identify with them and like they way they were made.
1. Game shows and soap operas were usually aired during the day.
2. Variety shows like Lawrence Welk and Red Skelton usually played during the evening.
3. Marcus Welby Md, Gunsmoke and Perry Mason were primetime.

Play some oldies music from their prime. Likely older rock & roll or pop. Look at billboard top 10 hits for the years they were younger. Try to stay away from newer stuff.

The foods you might call comfort food was what they had for dinner on a regular night. Try to remember they can't process food like you do. Nobody wants to eat bland foods, if you use spices, use them sparingly.

People of those by-gone eras enjoyed just sitting and talking. Since most of their friends are now dead and gone, take some time to just sit and talk with them.

Establish a pattern for these activities and don't forget to include allowing yourself time to recharge while they are enjoying their activities.

Parents are used to calling the shots, making decisions. Try to find something they can control, so they feel like they still matter. Just be prepared to go back and silently fix what needs to be fixed.

Give them a kid moment. Ask them for advice or how to do something. It doesn't matter if you already know what to do or how to do it.

As we age we lose abilities to do and feel the way we always did. We miss those old times and old ways. The world changes so fast we get angry or sad at the littlest things.
The small fragments of memory is all there is to grab a hold of to keep us from fading away into history. Like a drowning man grasping for a string.

When it comes to a point where you can no longer afford or continue to care for them, make the right decision and look into finding proper care for them.

Some assisted care facilities are bad, most are not. Do serious research into each one and check out many.

Try to remember time not only passes quickly for them but for you as well. Don't resent the ones you love because you gave up your own contentment to care for them.

Elderly care is backwards from raising a child.
Raising a child requires a lot of care at first with less care as the child ages.
Caring for the elderly requires less care at first with more care as they get older.

When it gets to be more than you can handle, Do The Right Thing. It doesn't mean you stopped loving them.


delightfulillusion's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:21 AM
Be strong! There’s no shame whatsoever in asking for help. Who will look after your mom when you won’t be able to?

I helped to look after my brother twice a week when he was terminally ill and that was hard going even with carers and nurses helping me. I can’t imagine how you do it 24/7 but I do know that if you don’t get help now you’ll be in no fit state. Please think about yourself. It’s crucial you get more help in whatever way you can.

Crystal gave some good advice. I’m hoping there’s a similar system in place in the US.

Nicole's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:29 AM
Edited by Nicole on Mon 04/04/22 10:25 AM
Hi KitKat,:rose:

Despite the miles and distance between us I send you through the Ocean my positive energy and my warm thoughts....:hugging: I hope that my warm thoughts embrace your beautiful soul.. how warm sunshine rays..

It is very difficult, but if you only try to find within yourself the strength in your thoughts and only one thing which makes you calm and far from your difficulties.. , though in some moments...

Nothing can kill you, because of your beautiful soul and heart which you share with all this wonderful support for your parents..

Everything positive and beautiful is in your soul, if you will find this connection with your strength it shouldn't hurt so much..

I know that now you don't see it this way... because you are feeling so exhausted and empty.. but only you can find within you this strength, peace and serenity..

Sometimes family don't want to hear when you ask for support,  for many reasons, but from the bottom of my heart I hope that you reach the point that they will help you..

I know that sometimes no words can help but I hope that you will find what is so special within yourself , what will help you..

Small baby steps.. because each day is a wonderful gift...

:heart:



RockHammer's photo
Mon 04/04/22 09:39 AM
Have any friends, local, or nearby,
offered to help in any way?

🍫 KitKat 🍫's photo
Mon 04/04/22 10:47 AM
Wow:heart: thank you all :heart:
Never expected this many responses


Brothers and grandkids, poof, just wanna tell me what more I should be doing or wanting to dig thru stuff, wanting to take any thing worth 2 bucks

I've filled out tons of paperwork, for any assistance, don't meet criteria or income exceeded limits:rolling_eyes: seriously one was 19 dollars over. One hell, all was just a couple of bucks over their limits.


TechFairy's photo
Mon 04/04/22 12:59 PM
KitKat, I can only send you good vibes, because I don't have any experience with this either.

My thoughts as well, is to have "the critics" pay for a day each week for someone to come over and take care of your parents. You can then use that day to just decompress. You definitely need some time to revive. There is no way to continue carrying the load, as you've been doing with no help at all. Even qualified workers don't work 24/7.

You can perhaps broach the topic with who will take on the load if you get ill and can no longer care for them any at all. Because your body and mind will give out eventually if you continue on this same path.

Sending you much love:hugging:

BTW, you have absolutely no idea how to rant. Bet if you could rant they might have started helping alreadysmile2

no photo
Mon 04/04/22 03:17 PM
(((HUGS))) flowerforyou

Vent all you need KitKat. You have a big forum family here to help support you virtually.


It's not easy to take care of aging parents especially when other family members are concerned. I empathize with you and am praying for you that you can find the assistance that will help you. Maybe some of those that are close to qualifications you can lobby for an exception???

I know you have a big beautiful heart and I hope it keeps shining and sharing with others. I am sure the stinging comments from family members does not feel good but what you believe to be the right thing to do is sometimes a hard endeavor.

Stay strong and make sure you are taken care of so you can continue to take care of your parents. Caregivers often suffer more than those they are caring for.

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