Yes, I agree, more likely I would too. Forgiveness and compassion doesn't mean I condone their actions, or defend them.

If my father abused me, I would find forgiveness and still love him.... but that doesn't mean I accept his behaviors as being okay. He once said he should have gone to jail for his actions... yes he should have! But his remorse over the years was his punishment and I still loved him, even now that he's in his grave!

So in the end, I would be the same way for a friend.

Yes, it’s a tough one with family involved. I’m not sure if any of us could give a definite answer to this one without being in that situation. That’s why I mentioned the goalposts.

But you certainly know how to open up a can of worms.
Now across my knee for your punishment.

Interesting query Peg.
I think of all those parents with serial killer kids,
they (mostly) defend them until the end, often in
complete denial about what their child has done.

I call it love.
Same as friendship.
Now, what to do, when the truth comes out.
For me, I do believe the friendship would trump the
bad deed(s).

We are all flawed.
Some get caught.
Some never do.
I do not want the actions of others to affect
how I live my life..or how I affect other's.

Love to the end.

Humm as simple as this would seem to most just to cut ties at times it would make you wonder what you would do if this person was a child,spouse or someone that you was very close too...

As a parent if it was one of my kids or grand kids there is no way I could just cut the ties with them...... Instead I would try to understand what happened and then it would depend on if they show any remorse for any damage they may have caused...

I have had to make a similar choice with some friends.. Actually they were friends of friends that I met while going to watch a local band... Had been to their house for New Years a couple of times even before I found out... The couple ended up going through a divorce due to she cheated on him.. But in that time she had asked me to meet her to watch another local band and in the proceeded tells me he is on a list for Pedophiles ( had to do with his daughter from his first wife at the age of 5)Not sure what really happened for I found it funny that him and his daughter seem to have a good relationship....My first thought was WTF OMG that to me is up their with murder!


So I proceeded to look it up to see if it is true... Did my search and low and behold there he was on the list..... I still see him and his new wife he is with now at the club from time to time and will be civil and say hi... but that is as far as it goes... I have no use for anyone that is a Pedophile.... Those I will put the distance between us...

Honestly pretty much anyone that goes to prison for those things I would pretty much put distance between us even family....

Not my place to judge another but it is my place to keep myself,family & friends safe from those that could do us harm~~~

Like you, I would want to hear them out and try to have some sort of understanding. It would damage any likelihood of friendship, but whether it severed the relationship completely would depend on their level of remorse and commitment to make retribution for their actions.

quote from peggy
We wont be buddies anymore but Im not sure if I could cut them off altogether either.



so what not friends anymore but visit them in jail and help support their defense ?

i wouldn't jump to it was false. how ever it would cease to carry weight with me.

and no having it be family would not change my reaction as long as we are talking about just your stated op.

some things are just plain wrong / evil

You can’t move the goalposts now Peggy
The feeling of doing the right thing for the victim would outweigh the feeling of anything else I think.
You or I are not the criminal in this case.

That's a tough one peggy, like I said in my other post, I would hope I could be all forgiving. As a parent, I would forgive my adult child and try to find compassion. I might even blame myself for something going terrible wrong with them. But I would still want them to face retribution. Same applies to if it were my parent....although this could be a tougher challenge!

It's a good point though. How is it we can forgive our children or parent for horrendous crimes...if we do so....but some how choose to discard others for their crimes?

I agree, and I believe I would find myself questioning their kindness. Were they being kind all those years because I was always kind to them? Suppose I were to defy them in some way...would that person suddenly turn on me and hurt me the way he/she did others?

I see where you're coming from peggy, I struggle with this too. On one hand, I'd like to say God forgives everyone, who am I not to. But I'm human and there are some things, especially if it's too close to home, that I would have a really hard time continuing a friendship with that person without having conflicting feelings that they need to be locked away forever, or wondering if they will do the same to me!

I do agree with what you said about them needing to face consequences at the full retribution of the law.

Yes, the weird feelings you have about your inner conflict is called cognitive dissonance. However, cognitive dissonance isn't a CAUSE, it's a symptom or result. What you can do to resolve the overall issues, and get rid of your 'dissonance' sensation, is to more thoroughly explore your own principles and social habits.

Something to consider with this particular question, for example, might be that you are one of the people who subconsciously think of acts of kindness or respect, as being a sort of social currency or cash. And that someone can OBLIGATE you to be nice and supportive of them against your will, simply by being nice to you.

It's a common enough thought error, usually the result of suffering from the "say-thank-you-to-aunt-Martha-for-the-nice-sweater-that-you-never-want-to-be-seen-in" syndrome, as a child.

well with out trying to drive this off the rails and including joe's last...

let's say your "friend " was a little short guy with dark hair and a goofy mustache and you just discovered all of his camps?

Maybe their kindness wasn’t fake, but they were definitely not the person you thought they were.

i hear that peggy. but for me at least, that evaporates just as soon as you cross from, being caught in the middle of really strange circumstances, to omg you really did that.

They were never the person you thought they were.

As well as their hideous crime they have also deceived you. A bit fat swerve.

the only reason i would have for understanding would be to prevent a repeat occurrence with a new friend

way out there peggy but...

somethings are just beyond ignoring. in my opinion this is one of them. slam click and good riddance