Reading some posts on another site yesterday -- a 19-year-old guy was lamenting "Why can't I find a decent girl?" -- of course, those of us who have been on these sites for awhile have seen this topic, and variations thereof, about 419 billion times.

And, as you would suspect, some of the replies were funny, some just downright crude, some were, let's say, "tangential," and others were legitimate attempts to give the poor guy some advice.

There was one that kind of hit me, though -- an older guy wrote something along the lines of, "Hey, you're 19, girls your age aren't on these sites very much. People don't resort to using dating sites until they've been seriously burned a few times in real life, until they have all kinds of baggage that prevents them from being successful in real life anymore, and then they see this as a potentially safer option."

Is it true?

I looked at some women's profiles, on several different sites -- not a statistically valid assortment, I'm sure, but just to get a sort of overview.

The assertion that girls his age don't use these sites is clearly not true. But the percentage of them seems disproportionately small. There is some variance from site to site, but on no site did I see anything remotely resembling a large concentration of 18-25-year-olds.

What I did notice is that there seems to be a sort of nebulous, thematic "cut-off" point -- somewhere around the mid-to-late 20s -- ages below this point tend to post empty, vapid profiles, with no informational value beyond "I like hanging out with friends" or "I'm shy until I get to know you" or "Anything you want to know, you'll have to ask."

Above this cutoff point, the tone changes, and the profiles tend to be more along the lines of "I've been hurt a few times, and I don't want any game players and I'm strong and independent and if you don't like it, screw you."

And there are WAY more of the latter then the former. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

So, I'm wondering if maybe this guy is on to something here. Is it really true that people are more inclined to use dating sites after they've been badly bruised and victimized and stepped on? Is it a form of escape from real-life disappointment?

That was never my (conscious) motivation -- I started using dating sites after I moved to a town where it was basically impossible to meet anyone in real life. My naive thinking was "Oh, look, here's something that will give me access to millions of people I would never know otherwise!" Well, yeah, but.

Still, it got me to thinking, and I thought I'd just toss it out there.

Speaking for myself, I came here because I didn't have much of a social life with work, raising a child on my own, etc. I tend to be rather shy and introverted unless I know someone well and going out on my own was not something I was truly comfortable with. For a lot of things yes, but for the purposes of trying to meet someone, not so much. And most of my friends were my ex's as well, and he got custody of them So, I figured I'd give this a shot, more of a convenience thing than anything else.

I think there is a certain amount of validity to the argument.

But I also think a portion of it comes down to the fact we are so busy that taking time to get all dolled up, and go out to clubs to meet people is to much time, effort, and expense (it really costs a lot to go to the club anymore) for so little in results.

It's much easier to fit in computer time. We don't have to get dolled up to talk online. It only costs the internet connections you are already using.

And once you hit a certain age, you really aren't interested in going out with the people you are seeing at the bars and clubs anyway. I have a rule never to date anyone I met in a bar. The only times I've broken it reminded me why I thought it was a good idea in the first place. I don't want the type of men who are trying to pick up women in bars.

So while in some cases it has to do with baggage, in other cases, it is a case of money management and time management.

After all, you can have a site up, go through it, do some posts, then do some dishes, cook dinner, work on a hobby, while checking the threads.

I don't think of it as a way to avoid 'real life disappointment' there is plenty of online disappointment. I think the older crowd that is available to date has that baggage as a natural part of their life.
I live in a small town, I work the overnight shift, don't engage in typical macho male activities. Don't watch sports, play golf, work on my car, drink booze, hunt or fish.
I use online as an additional way to met women, not as the only way.

Because when you are 20something you can walk out of your door and trip over someone to date. You are either in the same social network that you were in high school or have gone to college and have a whole new social circle

At 30something most are married, have kids that take presidence over any kind of actual social life, your high school friends have slipped away, your college friends are scattered all over the country.

At 40something, you are tired of the bar scene, and would rather stay home and watch a good movie or work in the yard than watch all of the stupidity of what happens in a bar, you are fairly planted in your career, and are not meeting new people from work experiences.

I don't think it's baggage per say, I think it is opertunity moreso.

I think a lot of it has to do with we get into such a routine with work and our lives. That we fail to socalize like we did when we were younger. Now our time is spent between work raising our kids ect.. We no longer take the time to go out with friends like we did when we were younger. Therefore we tend to isolate ourselves from the outside world. And this is the way for us to be in contact with others and still be able to keep our little safe world we have made for ourselves.


But baggage I really don't like that word for my kids are not baggage and my life in the past is not baggage. But instead my past is a part of me and who I'm today. I have dealt with my past and don't carry any anger from it. I see that it has helped me see things in perspective as they really are. I have no regrets of past loves. Only that some did not last like I wanted them too.

I honestly found this place out of pure luck. It popped up one night as an add on another site I was on. I saw it was free and just came here (out of curiosity) to check it out. Been hooked to this place ever since, mostly because I did meet my girlfriend here and have made some awesome online friends.

I find it neat that you actually talk to people on here first, get to know them a little bit, and then if both parties agree, you meet in person. You mainly just see pics of them (at first) and then if things progress you go to phone calls and then maybe web cams. It varies, but my point here is that it isn't like at a bar or club, where you "see" the person in the flesh and then approach them. You do the small talk and then progress from their. I find that when people take this site (and others like it) serious and make an effort, then it will work for them. I wouldn't say age is that big a factor, but I haven't done the statistical research that you have done Lex. I know that on here, going by the women who view my profile, I mainly get women who are younger (mostly 7-10 years) or older (same gap of 7-10). I have no idea why this is that way, but I do know that lately I can recall having a few 19-20 year olds looking at my profile. I know this age group is here, but as to how many their are? Beats me.

Anyways, I do feel people have their own reasons for being here. Mine was curiosity, and when I discovered that it was a nice change of pace talking to women on this site, rather than trying to talk to them at a bar or club, I stayed. I can honestly say that the majority of women I have met online and talk to frequently here....I probably never would have approached in real life. But on here, I am at ease and can talk to people. If they respond, awesome. If not, then no biggie.

Though I am on a dating site I never really used it as such.....more of an outlet to bs after work. When you get off work at 11 pm....not much to do. And Ive met some really great people here.

As for being burned....Im 43....have had my share of ups and downs but in no way do I feel Ive been burned to the extent of "resorting" to a dating site as my last attempt at dating!

Lexy, all the young pop tarts are on MySpace, I think.

I try very carefully not to include my baggage on my profile, well, because I'm not an idiot and no one give two syhts about my baggage any more than I care about theirs. Baggage shoud never be bigger than a carry on, and should never be opened any sooner than after takeoff and the fasten seat belt sign is turned off.

I think maybe I could teach Internet dating courses, sort of like a seminar thing. A new career....

You would be extremely good at it, too -- provided they could keep up with your teachings....!!



My own experience with MySpace was brief and problematic -- something on the order of a signal-to-noise ratio going tragically amiss -- as it turns out, there are better, and less regimented, sources of infinite spam....

No baggage .. no bitterness.

No nothin' but me

Not always true. Here I am a 21 year old male, I think I'm decent enough looking to pick up a girl. However I detest trying to find a girl in a bar, I'm not one to walk up to someone dance and start humping their leg. I came to a new town for school and never met a lot of people. My circle of friends is very small and therefor you find me here.

My response to a couple of your questions.



Logical. Access to the web. It is a web. Millions of nodes. Web crawlers (viewers) see you much more often than you are aware of being looked at, but at least you are visible and active.



The perception of escape is needful, whether or not it is an illusion.
The escape is from the same restriction of locality that you experience. There may be an island inhabited by stimulating people, but if each of the people are unavailable then a lone stranger either has to off somebody or go island hopping.



People look for answers "out there" after the goldfish bowl of their lives is muddied. Leaving the past, reaching beyond restrictions lifts one's spirit with hope, and perhaps with determination. It unleashes the stifled spirit to have access beyond restraints of circumstance. This occurs without the person's life moving two steps out of their daily existence, but it can lead to a large change from within. (That is not the goal of anyone whom I've encountered online, but it appears to be a common outcome.)
The inclination to use dating/social sites after being bruised, rather than before being hurt, is like people shopping the car lots after their present/previous vehicle failed.

(I am just awakening, online and literally today, so take it all with a shot of whiskey.)

Well....why do you think I pull them out of the old word barrel thingie?

Hahaha, and string them like the plastic monkeys?

Just so you can look out the window and see me in my t-shirt, sipping my Pepsi.

Now there's an image !!

Wait, I don't want your cop to shoot me -- !!

He's sleeping, in another county. I hope the gun is put away....

I'm not telling.

I'm ascared though.... I always do so well 'til I meet them.

Me too -- until they pull out the gas can and the matches....I misunderstood "hot" in her profile, apparently....

We will see. I just sent him a mail. Funny how we moved out of the site (not this one) and into phone and private e-mail since, um, earlier tis week.

Wish me luck, Lexy.