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| Topic: Why Do Partners Cheat? | |
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If you think the grass is greener on the other side, its time to water your side...the other side, just maybe artificial....
Have to go with The Hawk on this.....infidelity is a choice, nothing more and nothing less.... |
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Edited by
BHawkins
on
Thu 04/21/16 09:51 PM
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A disease isnt willingly accepted ...not a choice . Infidelity is. If both refuse to cheat and stick to it then yes that makes them immune. 2 people who aren't weak can resist cheating in any form. Its not that difficult ...we'll agree to disagree on this one ...if you don't take the drug then you don't get the addiction Keep in mind that I am not trying to change your view on this. The forum simply encourages different perspectives on things , which is why I will say the following. You said that two people who are not weak, can resist cheating in any form right? So my question is:- How do you know that when you get involved with a person that they will be strong 10 years from now or even 40 years from now? How do you even know that about yourself? Don't most people think they are strong until suddenly they show signs that they are not? I personally am challenging the basis of what people base the strength of their love, or their promises to the other person upon. People make teary-eyed well- intentioned promises of fidelity for decades down the road , based on the love they are feeling IN THE MOMENT, and on the fact that their partner is for the most part pleasing them PRESENTLY, emotionally and otherwise. But what about when your partner stops pleasing you for months or years at a time, or you stop doing it for them, as is the case with ALL long-term relationships, and you are juggling those failures along with stresses like miscarriages, deaths of loved ones, financial stresses, sickness etc. What keeps a person committed when those pleasant feelings that the promises were based on are gone or subsided ? The reason why I personally remained faithful in my 10 year relationship even when I was dissatisfied or unhappy, was because my fidelity to him was never based on whether his behaviour was desirable or not. We were human and were both falling short in some areas. My commitment was based on a law that I try to live by, which is to treat others the way I wish to be treated , and my commitment was on working on a failing marriage, and if we couldnt succeed, we part respectfully and seek love elsewhere. I didn't want to be cheated on ,and I know how vulnerable people are to the potential of it so I proactively created a climate in my life that wasn't conducive to affairs. eg I didn't hang out one on one with guy friends unless my ex knew about it and even then it was in public places. My ex knew of my whereabouts, all my male friends and my activities . I am not saying people should conduct their relationships like me or that it will totally protect you from cheating but it helps to minimize that potential. People take a lot of seemingly innocent chances that over time breed potential for danger and they are often not mindful of it because their focus is on everything, but their partner at that time for any number of reasons. So to address your statement that if you don't take the drug then you don't get the addiction, just like the social drinker who over time increases his intake till it becomes problematic, there are insidious things that people do that OVER TIME in their relationships that are not wrong , but have danger attached to it, and sometimes they don't see it until disaster strikes. And like I said before, if people base their fidelity on the good feelings they have for their partner in the moment they made a commitment to them, I don't think they stand a good chance of maintaining their fidelity in the long run. Those feelings ebb and flow over the years. And what are people going to base their resolve for commitment on during the times of ebb? It doesn't matter how terrible the relationship ends up. 2 people with a spine will leave the relationship .......not cheat. It is a choice. Simple as that really . Some are perfectly capable of being true to their values for their entire life & 2 of them together never have to worry. Some people aren't weak, there are plenty out there who will live and die, having never even come close to cheating ever .I already knew what the forums were for & I know you're not trying to change my opinion , hence the agree we'll disagree statement, because we obviously just feel completely different on this subject & there is nothing wrong with that. That's the way it should be IMO, otherwise it would get terribly boring. ;-) |
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A disease isnt willingly accepted ...not a choice . Infidelity is. If both refuse to cheat and stick to it then yes that makes them immune. 2 people who aren't weak can resist cheating in any form. Its not that difficult ...we'll agree to disagree on this one ...if you don't take the drug then you don't get the addiction Keep in mind that I am not trying to change your view on this. The forum simply encourages different perspectives on things , which is why I will say the following. You said that two people who are not weak, can resist cheating in any form right? So my question is:- How do you know that when you get involved with a person that they will be strong 10 years from now or even 40 years from now? How do you even know that about yourself? Don't most people think they are strong until suddenly they show signs that they are not? I personally am challenging the basis of what people base the strength of their love, or their promises to the other person upon. People make teary-eyed well- intentioned promises of fidelity for decades down the road , based on the love they are feeling IN THE MOMENT, and on the fact that their partner is for the most part pleasing them PRESENTLY, emotionally and otherwise. But what about when your partner stops pleasing you for months or years at a time, or you stop doing it for them, as is the case with ALL long-term relationships, and you are juggling those failures along with stresses like miscarriages, deaths of loved ones, financial stresses, sickness etc. What keeps a person committed when those pleasant feelings that the promises were based on are gone or subsided ? The reason why I personally remained faithful in my 10 year relationship even when I was dissatisfied or unhappy, was because my fidelity to him was never based on whether his behaviour was desirable or not. We were human and were both falling short in some areas. My commitment was based on a law that I try to live by, which is to treat others the way I wish to be treated , and my commitment was on working on a failing marriage, and if we couldnt succeed, we part respectfully and seek love elsewhere. I didn't want to be cheated on ,and I know how vulnerable people are to the potential of it so I proactively created a climate in my life that wasn't conducive to affairs. eg I didn't hang out one on one with guy friends unless my ex knew about it and even then it was in public places. My ex knew of my whereabouts, all my male friends and my activities . I am not saying people should conduct their relationships like me or that it will totally protect you from cheating but it helps to minimize that potential. People take a lot of seemingly innocent chances that over time breed potential for danger and they are often not mindful of it because their focus is on everything, but their partner at that time for any number of reasons. So to address your statement that if you don't take the drug then you don't get the addiction, just like the social drinker who over time increases his intake till it becomes problematic, there are insidious things that people do that OVER TIME in their relationships that are not wrong , but have danger attached to it, and sometimes they don't see it until disaster strikes. And like I said before, if people base their fidelity on the good feelings they have for their partner in the moment they made a commitment to them, I don't think they stand a good chance of maintaining their fidelity in the long run. Those feelings ebb and flow over the years. And what are people going to base their resolve for commitment on during the times of ebb? It doesn't matter how terrible the relationship ends up. 2 people with a spine will leave the relationship .......not cheat. It is a choice. Simple as that really . Some are perfectly capable of being true to their values for their entire life & 2 of them together never have to worry. Some people aren't weak, there are plenty out there who will live and die, having never even come close to cheating ever .I already knew what the forums were for & I know you're not trying to change my opinion , hence the agree we'll disagree statement, because we obviously just feel completely different on this subject & there is nothing wrong with that. That's the way it should be IMO, otherwise it would get terribly boring. ;-) Well we agree on 3 important things . Well even though we are disagreeing on the point of people's vulnerability to the potential of cheating, we actually agree on some very important ideas on the issue.  1. Cheating is a choice 2. Cheating is a selfish , spineless and wrong thing to do 3. People who are dissatisfied in their relationship should have the spine and decency to respectfully end their relationship before moving on to someone else 4. There is no excuse for cheating in any relationship 5. We both seem to agree on the principle of proactively creating a lifestyle that is not conducive to the threat of infidelity It's interesting sometimes how during lengthy discussions, people can be distracted from the important things that are being agreed upon. Im not talking about this discussion specifically but in general. Cheers to agreeing on the important stuff and agreeing to disagree on the rest ! 
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They are plenty of reasons, you can love someone but still cheat, some are sex starved and some don't feel the love anymore. True it's wrong but a coin has two sides and i think to judge without understanding the root cause is rather judgmental don't you think?
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They are plenty of reasons, you can love someone but still cheat, some are sex starved and some don't feel the love anymore. True it's wrong but a coin has two sides and i think to judge without understanding the root cause is rather judgmental don't you think? nope ....if it sucks then get out of it. No sob story makes it ok. End the relationship if you're unhappy. |
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Why Do Partners Cheat? they cheat because they are selfish, self-centered, thoughtless arses.   Very articulate  But true IMO I agree and it couldn't have said it any better. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Fri 04/22/16 07:01 AM
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They are plenty of reasons, you can love someone but still cheat, some are sex starved and some don't feel the love anymore. True it's wrong but a coin has two sides and i think to judge without understanding the root cause is rather judgmental don't you think? I think it is fair to judge the act of infidelity. It is irresponsible to make excuses for any act of selfishness and at the root , cheating is ALWAYS an act of selfishness. What I do agree with you on is that people should be careful about condemning a person's entire character or even condemning their entire capacity to love based on infidelity alone. In my opinion fidelity is a very important expression of love but there are other important expressions of love as well, that are near and dear to my heart. I may make the decision to leave someone who has cheated on me because I may decide that I can no longer trust them or even because I feel deeply hurt by what they did. But I will never dismiss the person's character as unloving if they have faithfully supported me and demonstrated care for me in many other aspects of love over a long period of time. Writing off a person's character on the basis of infidelity alone implies to me that people do not place a high value on the other fundamental aspects of love. I am a big believer in gratitude for the overall contribution a person has made to my life whether it be a friend , a lover or a relative ... And I never dismiss the overall good contributions a person has made to my life because of one offense, unless the offenses committed are as devastating as murder, rape and other such crimes . But now that I think about it, it is possible that most people view infidelity with the same harshness that I view murder or rape. ... And if that is the case, then I certainly dont have the right to condemn sonebody's personal conviction of that nature |
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They are plenty of reasons, you can love someone but still cheat, some are sex starved and some don't feel the love anymore. True it's wrong but a coin has two sides and i think to judge without understanding the root cause is rather judgmental don't you think? No really, as I see your evaluation if you married some one in haste and did not give yourselves time to get to know one another, yes, but after a lengthy courtship you both should be aware of many of the pitfalls ahead and talked them out between you and know what you are getting into, rather than finding out later after it is too late. 
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Why Do Partners Cheat? they cheat because they are selfish, self-centered, thoughtless arses. Very articulate But true IMO I agree and it couldn't have said it any better. I double that thought
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They are plenty of reasons, you can love someone but still cheat, some are sex starved and some don't feel the love anymore. True it's wrong but a coin has two sides and i think to judge without understanding the root cause is rather judgmental don't you think? I think it is fair to judge the act of infidelity. It is irresponsible to make excuses for any act of selfishness and at the root , cheating is ALWAYS an act of selfishness. What I do agree with you on is that people should be careful about condemning a person's entire character or even condemning their entire capacity to love based on infidelity alone. In my opinion fidelity is a very important expression of love but there are other important expressions of love as well, that are near and dear to my heart. I may make the decision to leave someone who has cheated on me because I may decide that I can no longer trust them or even because I feel deeply hurt by what they did. But I will never dismiss the person's character as unloving if they have faithfully supported me and demonstrated care for me in many other aspects of love over a long period of time. Writing off a person's character on the basis of infidelity alone implies to me that people do not place a high value on the other fundamental aspects of love. I am a big believer in gratitude for the overall contribution a person has made to my life whether it be a friend , a lover or a relative ... And I never dismiss the overall good contributions a person has made to my life because of one offense, unless the offenses committed are as devastating as murder, rape and other such crimes . But now that I think about it, it is possible that most people view infidelity with the same harshness that I view murder or rape. ... And if that is the case, then I certainly dont have the right to condemn sonebody's personal conviction of that nature I do understand you conviction and I agree we all should not condemn, but we can have our own opinion that is born in us and paves our way in life. |
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They are plenty of reasons, you can love someone but still cheat, some are sex starved and some don't feel the love anymore. True it's wrong but a coin has two sides and i think to judge without understanding the root cause is rather judgmental don't you think? I think it is fair to judge the act of infidelity. It is irresponsible to make excuses for any act of selfishness and at the root , cheating is ALWAYS an act of selfishness. What I do agree with you on is that people should be careful about condemning a person's entire character or even condemning their entire capacity to love based on infidelity alone. In my opinion fidelity is a very important expression of love but there are other important expressions of love as well, that are near and dear to my heart. I may make the decision to leave someone who has cheated on me because I may decide that I can no longer trust them or even because I feel deeply hurt by what they did. But I will never dismiss the person's character as unloving if they have faithfully supported me and demonstrated care for me in many other aspects of love over a long period of time. Writing off a person's character on the basis of infidelity alone implies to me that people do not place a high value on the other fundamental aspects of love. I am a big believer in gratitude for the overall contribution a person has made to my life whether it be a friend , a lover or a relative ... And I never dismiss the overall good contributions a person has made to my life because of one offense, unless the offenses committed are as devastating as murder, rape and other such crimes . But now that I think about it, it is possible that most people view infidelity with the same harshness that I view murder or rape. ... And if that is the case, then I certainly dont have the right to condemn sonebody's personal conviction of that nature I do understand you conviction and I agree we all should not condemn, but we can have our own opinion that is born in us and paves our way in life. lord of decdes marrige wins......HooooWeeeeee.........let's rolling up back to the dark age again........
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CHEATING did not start TODAY; but WHY do we REALLY CHEAT?
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CHEATING did not start TODAY; but WHY do we REALLY CHEAT? That is the age old question that everyone has a different answer to.
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A male friend of mine recently explained that men cheat because at one time or another, he has to prove to himself that he can still attract a woman. In the 40+ yrs he was married, he was separated many times and almost divorced a few but he always had what he calls 'back-ups' and admitted to meeting women in hotel bars when he was on business trips. He is now a widower and I often wonder if he ever considers the hurt he would have caused if his wife found out. I have a feeling the thought never crosses his mind. It's just selfishness on the part of anyone who wouldn't consider the ramifications of getting caught!
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Edited by
wolfman3838
on
Wed 04/27/16 05:56 PM
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A male friend of mine recently explained that men cheat because at one time or another, he has to prove to himself that he can still attract a woman. In the 40+ yrs he was married, he was separated many times and almost divorced a few but he always had what he calls 'back-ups' and admitted to meeting women in hotel bars when he was on business trips. He is now a widower and I often wonder if he ever considers the hurt he would have caused if his wife found out. I have a feeling the thought never crosses his mind. It's just selfishness on the part of anyone who wouldn't consider the ramifications of getting caught! You got it, as that is exactly what it is, complete disregard and selfishness. 
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Yes, the cheater is selfish. You can make all kinds of excuses but the truth is.....it's wrong but they don't care. It's all about their lack of character. If they are not fulfilled in their marriage then they should show respect to their spouse and ask for a divorce. People who cheat cannot be trusted to mean what they say. What you say is all true
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1. When you clock 25 and realize that life is not
that easy 2. When you are 25 and still jobless 3. When you think you would be a millionaire at 25 4. And you don't even have a concrete plan 5. When all your friends keep sharing how to be a millionaire articles in your twenties on your time line 6. When you land your first job and it stresses you out 7. And you keep asking people for advice 8. Looking for 40 something people to advise you 9. When you finally realize that life doesnt make sense and you listen to Drake's One Dance instead 10. Twenties = Always broke 
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1. When you clock 25 and realize that life is not that easy 2. When you are 25 and still jobless 3. When you think you would be a millionaire at 25 4. And you don't even have a concrete plan 5. When all your friends keep sharing how to be a millionaire articles in your twenties on your time line 6. When you land your first job and it stresses you out 7. And you keep asking people for advice 8. Looking for 40 something people to advise you 9. When you finally realize that life doesnt make sense and you listen to Drake's One Dance instead 10. Twenties = Always broke  
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If you think the grass is greener on the other side, its time to water your side...the other side, just maybe artificial.... Have to go with The Hawk on this.....infidelity is a choice, nothing more and nothing less.... A choice that people make and not always the right one
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