Why do guys message you tell you how much they want to get to know you, how nice you seem etc then just talk about themselves? This has happened to me several times now .. they all can't be insensitive jerks - or am I just too good a listener?

yes WHY? it seems you are not alone

they may need a good listener all around

Errr... maybe don't talk to the guys that say they want to get to know you.
That's the default line scammers and liars use on Mingle.

Learn how to differentiate between genuine and scammers and you'll find that there are plenty of good men out there.
It's just about learning to filter properly, pay attention, and learn how to communicate differently yourself. If you do it right, and come up with the right type of questions and things to talk about, the scammers will disappear at the speed of light.
Be aware of what is happening, don't let things happen to you. Pay attention.

INDEED!!!!

Yeah...
Alot of ******* out there
Also alot of insecure people but mostly *******
That's why nice guys finish last
Because ******* always just look out for themselves

Often, it's simply small man syndrome.
Just pat them on the head,
and say "There, there. It's O.K."

It's normal human behavior, not restricted by gender.

People tend to say what they have heard other people say, and what they think they "ought to say," in order to get what they want.

In the wonderful world of dating, that results in a long list of what might be labeled "standard chat phrases" that lots of people say. What you describe, fits that. It sounds like the kind if things people think they are supposed to say in order to be allowed to get to the next step, whatever that is.

Or sort of like asking "how are you doing?", when EVERYONE hopes that you'll answer "Fine," because the absolute LAST thing that ANYONE wants you to do, is actually TELL THEM HOW YOU ARE DOING.

Depending who it may be that asks...I'm guilty...

So if a guy says he wants to get to know you that means he's playing me? I don't know what you mean about communicating differently myself - I ask them questions based on their interests and am careful about what I say knowing that there are alot of scammers out there. So you mean I'm doing it wrong? I think this whole internet dating thing isn't for me.

1. Not ALL guys are like that. Try to get your head around the fact that your experience with "several" does not mean the entire male sex acts that way.

2. Yes some scammers only talk about themselves. But it does not follow that everyone who talks about themselves is a scammer. That's false logic. A lot of people talk about what's going on in their lives. Some folks may just not be very good at the kind of conversational banter you're looking for. You say you ask questions based on "their interests" how do you expect them to respond?

I think you just have to use common sense on here.... I find that the scammers disappear when I start asking them questions or for sure when I tell them I like to meet face to face so that I know I'm talking to the right person...lol

Good luck.....

IMO that's too open a question.

Sometimes people talk about themselves as a means to incite conversation. "I had so much fun in Cabo last year. You ever been to Cabo? So fun. I did this, that, the other, blah blah blah" 4 pages, hoping you'll start talking about your vacation trips.

Sometimes people talk about themselves to try and show a bond.
"Oh you have cats? Me too! This one cat, this one time, did this one thing. And then my other cat, who's like the personification of my soul. blah blah blah blah," 4 pages later, and the whole "we have so much in common!" is implied rather than directly stated.

Sometimes people talk about themselves as a means of dragging information out of others, by setting an example, of the type of response they want, making sure the other person knows it's "safe" to do so.
"I want to know everything about you! So...uh... what do you do for a living?"
"Work."
"Uhh...well I am employed at McDonald's and I just got a promotion to the fryolater, and I love putting all the mice we find in it, j/k, but I'm hoping in 6 more years to go into management training and blah blah blah blah all about my career prospects."


IMO/IME sometimes people have to talk about themselves because the other person is kinda demanding. They sit there and wait for people to contact them, they sit there and wait for someone to start a conversation, they sit there and wait for people to ask them questions about themselves, some people sit there wanting to be dragged out of their "shell" and then complain when other people don't do it the "right" way.


Part of being a good listener is talking in order to show you're paying attention and engaged in the conversation.

Agreed
Another thing majority of women always ask 1st, what do you do for living? That's a negative and mostly turned off men. At first don't ask hard questions that they don't want to answer to strangers. Give some time to get things going. Use your senses(all) to pick scammers/bad guys. And don't try to mold them from beginning. I saw lots of profile where girls says like 'they want some guys to love them as they are' and & but they try to change guys, how funny thinking it is!! [nothing personal]

Not wrong. It's just that most people have never really learned how to deal with dating situations properly. So it's not wrong, it's lack of knowledge and/or understanding how to go about it.
It does not matter if it's online or in real life, the problems that will arise are the same. As a matter of fact, dating sites are a great, free way to learn how to improve your communication and dating skills. It can benefit you, won't cost nearly as much time and money as doing this out in the 'real world'.

One mistake... you talk about HIS interests. One of the first things you want to know is if he is a good match for YOU. So you want to find out how he feels about stuff that is important to YOU. If you do that, you find out real quick if A) he's a scammer B) a possible match for you.
You also want to know if he can hold his own in a conversation, talking about his interests won't help you much.
It will put all the emphasis on him, his life, his interests etc., that's not what you want. If you'd keep that going you'd end up in a relationship that's all about him. Where does that leave you?

Prepare some good questions. Good questions are open questions, not "yes" or "no". And preferably something that leads to good conversation.
Good questions are emotional questions, so not "How many siblings do you have?"
In between some playful stuff is nice. If it's all serious it will become boring. You gotta let 'em know you can be flirty and playful too.

Good thing is, if you are more conscious of what and how YOU communicate, you will soon start to notice and recognize patterns of scammers, idiots, commitment phobes etc. It will help you to filter much, much faster so you don't waste your time anymore.

If you really want to learn more, listen to Matthew Hussey for a while. He's got lots of free stuff online (youtube as well).
And again, if you run into problems online, you will also run into problems in real life. So it may be well worth it to invest some time in it.
I did, and boy, did it pay off!

Prepare some good questions. Good questions are open questions, not "yes" or "no". And preferably something that leads to good conversation.
Good questions are emotional questions, so not "How many siblings do you have?"
In between some playful stuff is nice. If it's all serious it will become boring. You gotta let 'em know you can be flirty and playful too.


^^^^ Good Advice right there

ok so open ended questions

like " what are you hoping to find in your online dating experience?"

" describe your perfect day with someone?"

"at this point in your life, describe what you are looking for in a good relationship for you"


their profile should already list things like
if they were married and are now divorced and they have kids
and what their hobbies are and show you some pics
so you already have an idea of what he or she looks like

Yeah, but also questions NOT related to relationship.
For instance, ask him "You unexpectedly have 3 days off. What are you going to do?"
If he says "Sleep in, watch telly, and order a pizza." is that the kind of man you want to grow old with? Not a very inspirational guy.
If he says "I don't know." Not a very inspirational guy. He clearly has nothing going for himself, no interests, no hobbies etc.

I often asked: "If we can go somewhere for three days -all expenses paid by the dating site- what would we do and where do we go?"

VERY interesting answers!!
- I'd take you to a sex hotel --> NEXT!!
- Ermm... I don't know. Go to Amsterdam. ---> For 3 days? Boring. Next!!
- I'll take you shopping. ---> For 3 days? Boring!! NEXT!
- To China, Japan and Bali. --> In three days time? NEXT!
- Well, we only have 3 days, so we can't go far, so... ---> SMART bloke! Might be a KEEPER!
- Men that come up with really nice ideas, dinners, day trips etc. ---> Possible KEEPER! They put in thought and time to make sure you'll have a good time together.

That's the kind of questions you ask. By doing that YOU take control of the conversation as opposed to 'wait and see what this guy's gonna be like'. You don't take control of him, but of your own time, energy, and life.
With questions like this you can filter in less than FIVE minutes if he's worth your time or not.

ANd you can use his answer to delve deeper. He's taking you to Paris? Talk about that. "Oh, I'd love to eat freshly baked croissants in the morning!" "I'd love to go to le Quartier something (the arty farty place)"
If he's the right type for you, he'll pick up on that convo and will be glad you managed to steer away from "How are you today?" and "What kind of work do you do?"
If he's not the right guy, he'll leave. Which is GREAT!

NO KIDDDING I did not say that all guys are like that. I am new to internet dating I am asking a question. You need to wrap your head around the fact that just because I said some guys act that way and I am questioining their behavior does not mean I think the entire male population acts that way.

2. And I know everyone who talks about themselves is not a scammer. I'm not stupid. May be you're right that lately I just haven't been encountering people that are not good at the kind of conversational banter that I am used to. If I ask them questions based on their interests I expect them to pick up the thread. for example. If someone says they like music I'll ask them what their favorite type of music is, who their favorite artist is or if they've seen any good concerts lately. I don't know about anyone else, but to me that's a conversation starter.

So then the post was just a rant about several guys not living up to your conversational expectations?