The thing is all people are different.
Entering into a relationship with an expectation based on what someone else did or how someone else was and prejudging them on the nature of others is wrong.
Its not fair to that person.

If you are meeting people that fit the stereotype you are trying to avoid, your choice process is faulty not the people you meet.

If I were to assume that you are an example of all women I would think that all women see men as sexual predators. Since I am not a sexual predator I should just give up trying to find a woman.

I see every woman as a unique person. I allow that person to express themselves. I watch and pay attention to that person and how they are with me. That is the point of getting to know her, the point of entering ionto a relationship with her, the point of advancing the relationship to an intimate relationship with her.

I have experienced women that fall to their knees in front of me on first meeting me. I have experienced women that try to bed me right away.
I realize that not every woman is like that, those women were being themselves. I have also dated women for months without sexual relations.
I wanted sexual relations but I respected their wishes. I am still platonic friends with them but not as close as I wanted.

Being married taught me the difference between sex and making love to someone I love. I can get sex, I want to make love again someday. My marriage ended because my X is a compulsive liar and a drug addict. I don't want that in my life. The lies destroyed my love for her so I ended the marriage. I am still single because of the women I have met so far, all have been liars. It doesn't mean all women are liars, just those specific ones I have met so far.
I'm still looking because I know people, even women, are unique personalities and I have hope of finding that one amongst the billions.

Stereotype? Last guy I dated lasted a week. 2 dates. On the second date I knew he wasn't for me. He claimed to be a victim and cursed me out. He is emoloyed, has his own place and no kids. He was married for a long time but now women seem to run. The tantrum was confirmation that I had chosen wisely to not see him again. The one before him was 1 date. It was a nice date but 2 days later he went a little phyco saying he was trusting me with his heart and he didn't forgive cheating. Again employed, own place, grown kid. They need to slow down and be charming. Stop trying to force things.

nothing happened to dating
the problem is those you are trying to date

I understand your frustration.
Try to understand that not every guy is like them.

Of the 17 women I have met since my marriage ended, each and every one turned out to be a liar.
I still don't expect a woman to be a liar but I now recognise them faster.
I still don't think all women are liars.

Each person conducts themselves in alignment with their individual personality. The trust of a healthy relationship cannot be built on lies.
This is why honesty is so important to me.

I don't care that a woman is seeing other men while I'm dating her too.
What I do care about is when she lies to me and tries to tell me I ma the only one she is seeing.

I can understand a woman that has been abused being careful in commiting to intimacy with me.
What I can't understand is when they make up stories to justify their rude behavoir towards others.

I know not all women are like those that I have met because I have met women that don't lie but are already in relationships with other men.
To me, taken is taken...off-limits.

There was nothing wrong with the women I ended my relationship with.
The problem was in me...I chose poorly.
I don't control others. All I can do is strive to make better choices.

I can understand.
I think women do too.
I think it's a social disorder.
I think people just can't commit anymore.
They're either looking for the other person to commit first, so they can sit back and then decide if they want to commit or just enjoy that power, or they're looking to get all their "ducks in a row" so that committing is "easy." Possibly because they have absolutely no idea how to do it any other way, or are simply too scared to take any real risks.

And in the process everyone is getting frustrated, it's not leading anywhere except to disposable short term relationships and dating which has just become either like a video game with sex being the reward for defeating the level boss, or shopping without ever really buying anything unless it's cheap, fulfills an immediate need, and can be tossed away as soon as it stops being worth the little that was paid for it.


Compatibility for what?
IME no one is all that clear on their goals anymore.
They have ideals and general emotional goals that don't mean anything in a practical world.
A large percentage of the dates I've been on in the past few years when we talk about "compatibility" it ultimately led to "it's all about me and my emotional needs, are you compatible to fulfilling what I want when I want it no matter the cost to you, without asking of me anything that isn't easy for me to give?"
There's no expectation of marriage, kids/family, community, sacrifice.
It's all career and emotional self actualization. Growth and change and personal development, the bigger better deal, either internally or externally, which is a guarantee to end any relationship.


I would imagine so.
I would imagine for some it's just because they want the "benefits" and are saying what they think the other wants to hear, fulfilling the script, in order to get there.

But I think it's just as common for people to use the "benefits" as a means to shortcut communication to figure out "where they stand," or where the relationship is, with the benefits being seen as more "serious" a representative of a "commitment" than any kind of verbal noise.
Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. So it has more meaning if certain behaviors are expressed.


Do you run from the pressure? Or do you apply some kind of pressure in return? Is it all just all or nothing? Black and white thinking? Emotional black and white thinking? Turned on or turned off and that's it?


Dating is about beginning the learning to communicate process.
Trying to figure out what's going on.
Not to try to figure out if they're the best candidate for the job opening in the relationship business you want to reap emotional profits from.


Smart enough to fool you into getting you to believe you are "compatible?"
Dependable requires a lot.
Dependable just for you? Do you ask how many times they're late for work? Do you call them at 8:01 at work just to say hi but you're really trying to determine if they're on time?
Do you set up certain tasks measuring "dependability?"
What does that mean?
Fun to be around? How can they be fun to be around when you seem to be focused on measuring their intelligence, dependability, and morality?
You truly don't see any of this as being contradictory? Requiring people to act in nearly bipolar ways?
What do you mean by "fun to be around?" Do they tell an inappropriate joke? Uh oh, that might violate the morality search. Do they call off work to take you out for some rare fun thing? Uh oh, they might have violated the dependable search.
Do they do something stupid but fun? Silly? Uh oh, they might have violated the "smart" variable.
Do they take their time to think and give a "smart" answer? Uh oh, that might just violate the "fun to be around," as they try to take your question and answer seriously.


Maybe you need to speed up and realize none of you are 16 anymore?


What did you do?
Chastise him for proclaiming victimhood and curse him out for cursing you out?

I knew a guy that took a woman out. He flirted with her for days, kept asking her out, she said no, he still asked her out over the course of months, finally she agreed to go on a date with him. He picked her up, took her to a fancy restaurant, they sat down and nearly the first thing she said in the restaurant was "look, this is too fancy, I think you're trying to buy me. I just want you to know I will not be sleeping with you tonight, you aren't entitled to anything for this, I don't know what you want, but I'm not that type of girl. I'm not a whore, and don't appreciate being treated like one. I know what guys want..."
He looked shocked for a second then he scooted closer and said "thanks for letting me know. now listen, you conceited *****, if I want to have sex with you, I'll let you know. I just wanted to take you out to a place I enjoy because I love the food, thought you'd like it, and I think I'd enjoy your company, let's just have dinner, try to be civil, and see if we can find something to enjoy, then I'll take you home, and I swear I won't touch you. Try the crabcakes, they're the best I've had outside of Virginia."
They ended up married nearly 30 years until he died.

Sorry, sometimes in life you end up going on a date and someones fear, insecurities, stress due to life situation, or whatever, leaks out into using the other as an emotional vent (most of the OP's in these and any other forum, not to mention comments section on any news story, is just one person using others as an emotional vent).
Sometimes that can be helpful in kicking away the trained responses and crap that are getting in your own way keeping you from moving forward.
Sometimes conflict can be beneficial.

If you're looking for someone "fun to be around, dependable, moral, smart," all without any stress in life, insecurities, fears, bias, that will never lead to conflict of any kind requiring you to be strong and respond in kind? To kick that crap down?
You're never going to find anyone worth a damn.
Sometimes that is an issue on the first date, sometimes the 3rd, sometimes the 52nd. You don't get to choose when the conflict or crap arises.

But for all I know you did.
I have no idea.
From the responses it seems like you are using these against these guys, as though what they said/did are measures of their personality when it could simply be problems due to their day or the stress of the situation.
You don't mention at all how you handled it or what your response(s) were.

I want what I want.
I want it now and I want it all right now.
Give it to me.

What happened to dating is that it requires dedication and commitment and people don't seem to want to dedicate or commit, in general.

I want what I want.
I want it now and I want it all right now.
Give it to me.

What happened to dating is that the media overload has convinced the general population that the fantasy is in reach and that if the fantasy is not there it must not be real.

I want what I want.
I want it now and I want it all right now.
Give it to me.

What happened to dating is that people have this idea that the world owes them. That others exist for their benefit and pleasing them is the reason why others exist.

I want what I want.
I want it now and I want it all right now.
Give it to me.

What happened to dating is the sensibilities that parents taught their children have been forgotten or ignored in a quest for self-fulfillment.
Life has become an ever-quest to win, gain power or get rich.

I want what I want.
I want it now and I want it all right now.
Give it to me.

Well I wanna settle down, a man to put a ring on it and pay the mortgage....what’s wrong with that?

Who says there is anything wrong with that?
It doesn't fit my goals but that doesn't mean it won't fit anyone's.

I don't think people are understanding what I'm saying. I don't have a problem committing. But 1st I have to make sure there is enough attraction/compatibility to commit. The last guy I went out with was 6'1". Dark hair and eyes. He had nice features. Not gorgeous but a nice looking guy. 1st date went well. He was polite and the conversation flowed. Then on our 2nd date he began giggling like something off beavis and butthead while telling me how great of a kisser he is. Followed by he could teach me a few things. Needless to say I was so turned off a kiss never happened.

completely agree with you Eric .. sounds more like poor choices

Well, it's hard to make decision about a stranger. That's the reason people date. The last good date I had, the guy had 6 kids and 4 exwives. He knew how to be charming. I guess that's how he got all the wives and kids lol.

when it comes to any stage of dating .. communication is important .. if you tell a man in the "screening" stage you wish to take your time getting to know him and do not want to jump into a relationship .. one of two things will happen .. he will want to continue and date you .. or he will move onto someone else . If he dates you and respects you, there should be no pressure . So.. perhaps do some quality control on your screening process before accepting dates :-)

yes it is hard .. but you are the one in control .. remember that saying about kissing frogs .. it is a myth .. I would rather not kiss any frogs .. so it is up to me to not put myself in that situation

omg .... charm is not everything ...Was there a second date .. i think one ex wife is plenty to deal with ... you are very brave !!!!

Hi Bolndey111,

Dating has gone the way of the Dodo as well as real men.

Hiya ranger Rick .. I heard they have dodo DNA and it may make a comeback . ...


curious why you think that :-)

I went to school with him. He offered to fix a door for me. He took me to dinner before we went to home depot. We did go out again but their is too much drama. Charm isn't everything but there is no sense spending time with a guy if I don't want to be there. I think everyone should work on themselves, learn from mistakes.

Oh them good ole days where we could only date locally due to not having transportation readily available to us.
Not having a say in many matter cos there was church & family dictating what would be okay for you.

Those were the days for sure!

Now we have freedom, thousands to choose from, our search perimeters (distance) have expanded tremendously. Church and family have no say in what we choose and do.
And boy is that difficult!!

You know why it's difficult? Because people cannot handle being responsible for themselves and make healthy choices.
We're a race that's been trapped in religion's straight-jacket for thousands of years, now we're set free and most don't know what the freck to do with that freedom (and responsibility that comes with it).

The irony is people have fought for us to have this freedom, now most don't know what to do with it.

I hear what you're saying Blondey, agree and like it.

I just want to know when they are going to start lining up so they can be screened?

I believe that's probably why some don't take the steps to screen. For some of us it's been a year, two years, or even longer since dating someone or having anyone show any interest. So when they do show interest there's tendency to put the "cart before the bull" and jump for it without taking the time to screen the date or find out if you are compatible.

I think east to west was asking why men do that ... put pressure on women to rush dating when she wants to be sure they are compatible first .. I understand what she is saying but to me compatability also comes from sharing day-to-day life .. dating does not necessarily guarantee compatibility in the long term .. that would require an extremely long courtship .

As for screening and lining men up .. I do not believe men are not interested in you river ... That is rubbish .. online dating would not be my choice for meeting men .. if it was i would definitely look locally