Community > General Discussion

Topic: Secrets
bobtail76 Joined Mon 02/10/14 Posts: 6935	Mon 05/24/21 01:01 PM
Without knowing the nature of the secret, I hesitate to judge. I mean is it 'Surprise, your real Daddy is Elvis' or..your granddaddy once voted Democratic. The second one, no one now cares but the first one could have intergenerational ramifications. So, your position is to juxtapose the nature of the secret to obligation to keep the secret? What is the rationale - juiciness? I wasn't sure of the relevance using your Elvis example. I don't give credence to either example having any more or less ramifications if I were to keep my mouth shut.

bobtail76 Joined Mon 02/10/14 Posts: 6935	Mon 05/24/21 01:09 PM Edited by bobtail76 on Mon 05/24/21 01:10 PM
Someone in the family confided in you. They passed away. Are you obligated to keep that secret? After doing some thinking on this.. I guess it would all depend on what the secret was and how many it would affect.. But then after thinking about it.... it would depend on when they told me the secret.. For you see if they told me on their death bed or shortly prior to them passing away, that was a way for them to get it off their chest before they passed..thinking they will die with a clear mind. If they did not want it told they should have carried it to their grave~~ Now it is your secret that must burden you... Which it seems to be.. Sorry not a something I would carry on my shoulders wondering the rest of my life if I should carry it to my grave~~jmo Interesting take... I may agree with you with the possible intention, but probably still would keep it a secret because if that person wanted it off their chest, they probably wouldn't have asked you to keep it a secret. Which isn't the case, regardless... was told some 25 years ago.

ivegotthegirth Joined Fri 08/17/18 Posts: 6666	Mon 05/24/21 02:15 PM
If you gave YOUR word to keep a secret, you take that secret to the grave with YOU. That's right..........it's all dependent on YOUR personal integrity.............. HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE?

Slim gym Joined Tue 05/14/19 Posts: 36964	Mon 05/24/21 03:03 PM
word is word ... i would never reveal it to anyone ... it would be buried with me .... actually .. cremated with me ... and after reading some of the comments .... I am never gonna tell a woman any secrets.... ha ha !!

mzrosie Joined Wed 08/14/13 Posts: 33997	Mon 05/24/21 03:13 PM
At this stage in my life, what secret?

soufiehere Joined Sat 10/24/09 Posts: 45325	Mon 05/24/21 04:00 PM
Without knowing the nature of the secret, I hesitate to judge. I mean is it 'Surprise, your real Daddy is Elvis' or..your granddaddy once voted Democratic. The second one, no one now cares but the first one could have intergenerational ramifications. So, your position is to juxtapose the nature of the secret to obligation to keep the secret? What is the rationale - juiciness? I wasn't sure of the relevance using your Elvis example. I don't give credence to either example having any more or less ramifications if I were to keep my mouth shut. Too bad you cannot see that what the secret is plays the biggest part. And if you felt any 'obligation' to keep it, you wouldn't be posing it as a query. Need an excuse to spill the beans, huh?

bobtail76 Joined Mon 02/10/14 Posts: 6935	Mon 05/24/21 04:21 PM Edited by bobtail76 on Mon 05/24/21 04:23 PM
Without knowing the nature of the secret, I hesitate to judge. I mean is it 'Surprise, your real Daddy is Elvis' or..your granddaddy once voted Democratic. The second one, no one now cares but the first one could have intergenerational ramifications. So, your position is to juxtapose the nature of the secret to obligation to keep the secret? What is the rationale - juiciness? I wasn't sure of the relevance using your Elvis example. I don't give credence to either example having any more or less ramifications if I were to keep my mouth shut. Too bad you cannot see that what the secret is plays the biggest part. And if you felt any 'obligation' to keep it, you wouldn't be posing it as a query. Need an excuse to spill the beans, huh? Not at all...The person that died did so 20 years ago and kept my mouth shut for 25 years. I already formulated an opinion. I was looking for other points of view to see if there was a point of view that I haven't thought of. If anything the responses here has fortified my position on my doing the right thing

Blondey111 Joined Sun 01/27/13 Posts: 8910	Mon 05/24/21 05:25 PM
Someone in the family confided in you. They passed away. Are you obligated to keep that secret? if you “promised” to keep the secret then there is a moral obligation If revealing the secret (or not revealing) .. creates harm to yourself or another, then there is an ethical obligation to do what is right .. and that may include revealing the secret . Which has more sway as far as you are concerned ., ethics or morals , do you honour the person who died or those living , who may be affected ??? I'm kinda on the side with Rock, obligation is to the grave. There is also the possibility that the remaining people that are involved (unwittingly or not) may think you're full of shlt, so your reputation is ruined either way. Technically, if you kept your secret - nobody would be affected. The incident that had already been done, was in the past, so it's that secret that would have created the path that the secret created. For example: A child has a baby, at a very young age. The mother of the child (grandmother to the baby) raises it as her own child, effectively raising both the child and the baby as siblings. The grandmother has more children that, that child believes are siblings - not aunt/neice. There are only 2 people that know. The grandmother, and the child that had the baby. The grandmother died years ago and told nobody, and the mother of the child only told one person (that wasn't her child)before she died. There can only be one truth, but the path was created and that secret protected that path that is a heart wrenching scenario bob and I can understand the dilemma in revealing such a secret . No doubt the secret evolved from a place of love and best intentions , nonetheless it is a deception . The circumstances of the pregnancy may be a valid reason the truth was withheld and could be a factor in whether the truth should be revealed . You mention a path being set .. However there is a missing piece to that path .,.what about the father ??? Is he living .. are their half siblings ?? The pull to know a biological parent for most is strong . How would you feel if such a truth was kept from you ??? It still becomes a moral question of doing no harm .... which would be more harmful to reveal the truth or keep the secret ??

bobtail76 Joined Mon 02/10/14 Posts: 6935	Mon 05/24/21 06:01 PM
Someone in the family confided in you. They passed away. Are you obligated to keep that secret? if you “promised” to keep the secret then there is a moral obligation If revealing the secret (or not revealing) .. creates harm to yourself or another, then there is an ethical obligation to do what is right .. and that may include revealing the secret . Which has more sway as far as you are concerned ., ethics or morals , do you honour the person who died or those living , who may be affected ??? I'm kinda on the side with Rock, obligation is to the grave. There is also the possibility that the remaining people that are involved (unwittingly or not) may think you're full of shlt, so your reputation is ruined either way. Technically, if you kept your secret - nobody would be affected. The incident that had already been done, was in the past, so it's that secret that would have created the path that the secret created. For example: A child has a baby, at a very young age. The mother of the child (grandmother to the baby) raises it as her own child, effectively raising both the child and the baby as siblings. The grandmother has more children that, that child believes are siblings - not aunt/neice. There are only 2 people that know. The grandmother, and the child that had the baby. The grandmother died years ago and told nobody, and the mother of the child only told one person (that wasn't her child)before she died. There can only be one truth, but the path was created and that secret protected that path that is a heart wrenching scenario bob and I can understand the dilemma in revealing such a secret . No doubt the secret evolved from a place of love and best intentions , nonetheless it is a deception . The circumstances of the pregnancy may be a valid reason the truth was withheld and could be a factor in whether the truth should be revealed . You mention a path being set .. However there is a missing piece to that path .,.what about the father ??? Is he living .. are their half siblings ?? The pull to know a biological parent for most is strong . How would you feel if such a truth was kept from you ??? It still becomes a moral question of doing no harm .... which would be more harmful to reveal the truth or keep the secret ?? There is not a missing piece to that path... if the father was relevant, he would have made himself relevant. My feelings would have no value, because of the reality of my not knowing, would come to the same conclusion. To speculate how I would feel would be irrelevant. I do know a couple of people that were adopted. You are correct when you speak of the pull, but in both cases that I was privy to, there was a huge disappointment and they no longer have any contact.

Blondey111 Joined Sun 01/27/13 Posts: 8910	Mon 05/24/21 06:26 PM
Someone in the family confided in you. They passed away. Are you obligated to keep that secret? if you “promised” to keep the secret then there is a moral obligation If revealing the secret (or not revealing) .. creates harm to yourself or another, then there is an ethical obligation to do what is right .. and that may include revealing the secret . Which has more sway as far as you are concerned ., ethics or morals , do you honour the person who died or those living , who may be affected ??? I'm kinda on the side with Rock, obligation is to the grave. There is also the possibility that the remaining people that are involved (unwittingly or not) may think you're full of shlt, so your reputation is ruined either way. Technically, if you kept your secret - nobody would be affected. The incident that had already been done, was in the past, so it's that secret that would have created the path that the secret created. For example: A child has a baby, at a very young age. The mother of the child (grandmother to the baby) raises it as her own child, effectively raising both the child and the baby as siblings. The grandmother has more children that, that child believes are siblings - not aunt/neice. There are only 2 people that know. The grandmother, and the child that had the baby. The grandmother died years ago and told nobody, and the mother of the child only told one person (that wasn't her child)before she died. There can only be one truth, but the path was created and that secret protected that path that is a heart wrenching scenario bob and I can understand the dilemma in revealing such a secret . No doubt the secret evolved from a place of love and best intentions , nonetheless it is a deception . The circumstances of the pregnancy may be a valid reason the truth was withheld and could be a factor in whether the truth should be revealed . You mention a path being set .. However there is a missing piece to that path .,.what about the father ??? Is he living .. are their half siblings ?? The pull to know a biological parent for most is strong . How would you feel if such a truth was kept from you ??? It still becomes a moral question of doing no harm .... which would be more harmful to reveal the truth or keep the secret ?? There is not a missing piece to that path... if the father was relevant, he would have made himself relevant. My feelings would have no value, because of the reality of my not knowing, would come to the same conclusion. To speculate how I would feel would be irrelevant. I do know a couple of people that were adopted. You are correct when you speak of the pull, but in both cases that I was privy to, there was a huge disappointment and they no longer have any contact. was the father also young .. a child ??? Was he given the opportunity to be involved ? He may be irrelevant in your mind . The question is .. do you have the right to decide that ???

bobtail76 Joined Mon 02/10/14 Posts: 6935	Mon 05/24/21 06:50 PM Edited by bobtail76 on Mon 05/24/21 06:53 PM
I do have the right... I'm the only one that knows. Try not to focus on the example... I used an example, not the situation. To use the situation would have been a violation of the secret, whether you knew the people involved or not, which I think Ladywind tried to make a claim to. The example, in my opinion, has the same magnitude as far as ramification. I posed the question whether or not you are obligated to keep a secret to someone that is no longer living. I've noticed the men tend to think to keep your mouth shut, and the women have a preponderance to the secret's consequences.... as Slim pointed out. I found all of the answers interesting, but I haven't come across an inclination that I haven't pondered. Trixie indicated that it is a burden (thanks for recognizing that btw), so there isn't much out there that I haven't thought of - but there's a bunch of different minds here and more ways of thinking, that made it worth a shot

Blondey111 Joined Sun 01/27/13 Posts: 8910	Mon 05/24/21 07:12 PM
I do have the right... I'm the only one that knows. Try not to focus on the example... I used an example, not the situation. To use the situation would have been a violation of the secret, whether you knew the people involved or not, which I think Ladywind tried to make a claim to. The example, in my opinion, has the same magnitude as far as ramification. I posed the question whether or not you are obligated to keep a secret to someone that is no longer living. I've noticed the men tend to think to keep your mouth shut, and the women have a preponderance to the secret's consequences.... as Slim pointed out. I found all of the answers interesting, but I haven't come across an inclination that I haven't pondered. Trixie indicated that it is a burden (thanks for recognizing that btw), so there isn't much out there that I haven't thought of - but there's a bunch of different minds here and more ways of thinking, that made it worth a shot Secrets can be trivial insignificant or devastating /life changing .... without context it is difficult to comment on your question . The scenario is helpful in that it demonstrates part of keeping a secret weighs up judgements we make and consequences of action /inaction . Any moral choice is always complicated by what we value personally and how we rationalise . Secrets can indeed be a burden and a source of internal conflict . As the keeper of the secret , the power is in your hands to determine what action you most feel comfortable with .

Tom4Uhere Joined Sat 12/17/16 Posts: 16240	Tue 05/25/21 09:31 AM
Someone in the family confided in you. They passed away. Are you obligated to keep that secret? After doing some thinking on this.. I guess it would all depend on what the secret was and how many it would affect.. But then after thinking about it.... it would depend on when they told me the secret.. For you see if they told me on their death bed or shortly prior to them passing away, that was a way for them to get it off their chest before they passed..thinking they will die with a clear mind. If they did not want it told they should have carried it to their grave~~ Now it is your secret that must burden you... Which it seems to be.. Sorry not a something I would carry on my shoulders wondering the rest of my life if I should carry it to my grave~~jmo I have to agree with this^^^ Consider this...In life, circumstances change. Your obligation is to keep the secret (implied in the confidence of the sharing of the secret). However, if the secret affects new circumstances for those still alive and only affects the bearer's reputation it might be 'right' to let the cat out of the bag in favor of a beneficial outcome for someone you love who is still alive. We all learn things we didn't know about people who have passed. Without the ability to defend themselves, it is their over-all existence which validates them in our hearts. If the secret could destroy someone's cherished memories of a loved one, in favor of their continued contentment, you should always keep the secret. Try to realize all secrets have both beneficial and disastrous potential. It is ultimately up to your own rationality (and love) as to whether you keep or divulge it. Since you are the only holder of the information, it can ONLY be YOUR choice. Choose Wisely

bellakylie Joined Fri 05/28/21 Posts: 1	Fri 05/28/21 07:54 AM
At this stage in my life, what secret? Hahaha

ciretom Joined Wed 06/18/14 Posts: 4953	Fri 05/28/21 09:42 AM
Someone in the family confided in you. They passed away. Are you obligated to keep that secret? How that's worded, kinda, maybe, sort of, not really. You no longer have an obligation to the dead person. They're dead. There's no recourse for not fulfilling that obligation to them, there's no more relationship. If you feel you have an obligation to others to maintain that secret, that's your personal choice to feel/call it obligated, but it's no longer an obligation that was put upon you or to the one that did. In many cases, continuing to feel obligated, is a means of shifting responsibility for personal choices/behavior. "It's not that I am/am not telling people this secret by my own choice. It's because of my obligation. It's that obliger's fault! Yeah, that's it. Not me. Nope! It's 'obligation,' yeah, that's it, something separate and compartmentalized from me. I can trigger whatever emotions I want and do what I want and feel justified, for good or ill. Not my responsibility, nope nope nope. 'Obligation!' cha cha cha! I can participate in gossip, or keep it to myself and feel guilty, in any case feel important and meaningful and relevant, win win for me, and any consequences from it? Well, those I can pass on to what/whom ever initiated the obligation!" One thing a lot of people that play the "confide secrets" and obligation don't really consider is they may know something, but they don't have actual proof.

Lover boy Joined Sun 06/07/20 Posts: 1	Sun 05/30/21 11:08 AM
It depends if it will hurt anyone in the telling. You can tell us and we can figure it out perhaps? good frnd need

Unknow Joined Sat 04/28/18 Posts: 1861	Tue 06/08/21 05:24 AM
mom always talked about putting the irish curse on me -i don't want to chance it

Unknow Joined Tue 04/28/20 Posts: 2930	Tue 06/08/21 07:23 PM
mom always talked about putting the irish curse on me -i don't want to chance it Eww, never heard of that one!!!

SparklingCrystal 💖💎 Joined Mon 05/20/13 Posts: 33251	Wed 06/09/21 01:50 PM
A secret is a secret, whether that person is still alive or not. So to me the answer is, no. Unless there is a very extremely important reason but it would have to be really important. So it depends on the secret but in general, nope.

Slim gym Joined Tue 05/14/19 Posts: 36964	Wed 06/09/21 02:30 PM
A very very close friend of mine died of lung cancer 10 years ago . He was a single guy and had a few gals in the past . I know he was in love with this one gal , like head over heels , but she always rejected his advances and treated him like chit... but he , God rest his soul, never gave up on her . A week before he passed ( neither of us even knew the time was up) he said to me one evening , he wanted to tell me a secret!!! i was floored but intrigued !! Turned out he wanted to give his signet ring to that horrible gal .... now only I knew the cost of that ring ... the letter of his first name was writ in diamonds....i was with him when he splashed on it .when he passed his Mom called me over and handed over the ring to me ..saying ... you were his best friend till the end and I am sure he would want you to have a memento of that friendship.... she wore my refusals down , gradually and I finally accepted that ring .... what was I supposed to do ....with the ring ??? i waited for the first anniversary of my friend's demise and at the little gathering , of dinner and drinks in his memory , i spotted HER.... i was surprised she even remembered... how she got there was a mystery to me ....anyway , i greeted her with a hug and a kiss, pulled her aside and and gave her the ring .... she took one look at the initial and tears began running down her face ... i took off before any questions were asked .... needless to say every desth anniversary we saw each other ... not a word spoken .. i just lnew I did the right thing.. so yeah some secrets just cannot remain so ....