That's what I say

Ok here it is, the official phone # for Santa Clause. Listen and laugh.

813-273-8160

It couldn't be dedicated to a nicer person. To you Bonnie, may your days be filled with laughter and your nights filled with stars.

The name is Danny...Pardon me for not standing up

have sum fun

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part

hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,

but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)










'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

You people are killing me

Recently a very close friend of my celebrated her 27th birthday. I am not known for buying ordinary gifts so what I did buy her was a cushioned toilet seat and I went to her condo and installed it while she was working. She knew immediately that it came from me. I just now get an email from her that says "Whenever I am on the toilet I will think of you" I don't know if that's a compliment or not

It's only fitting

A friend named Eddie calls me and tells me my name was in the newspaper yesterday. A man that has the same name as me died in an automobile accident. I tell him no I'm still kickin. After I hang up with him I call up another good friend of mine and say "hey dude have you talked to Eddie and if so, for you all know that could had been me so why didn't you call" He says "we did think it was you so why would we call a dead guy" Then he tells me "as a matter of fact I'm sitting on your boat right now and I just seen Michael drive past in your car with your girlfriend and the only reason Eddie called you was to locate your cell phone so he could have it" I'm going to get new friends I tell ya!

Awwwwwwww I love you too

The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SeX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
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2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SeX?
(they don't have enough time)
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3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
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4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
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5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
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6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
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7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
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( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
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And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma.'

And they say blondes are dumb...

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
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Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Don't forget your flu shot

Your mind must be like standing in a building supply store. "Customer needs assistance in the light bulb department"

I hope you make it through ok. I have had to lay off employees a couple of times in the past few months and it really hurts all involved.

wow that really sucks. Good luck and I'm sure overtime you will adapt. Be glad you're not moving to Myrtle Beach, then you would have to not only new surroundings but a stalker too! Seriously good luck and hurry back to us.

lol sorry dude someone should have warned you that these women actually do care about about substance. Good luck and post often.

Well I did get a new air paint gun. When you're finished, you both take off your shoes and stand beside each other and I'll blast your toe nails with my paint sprayer. All I have is brown paint that I used to paint my shed but know this...I have never offerd to paint a womans toes before and you won't have to paint em again for 3 years. . *Not responsible for overspray*

Nothing like a well thought out plan

lol Nope I can operate the washing machine just fine, although I did get a lesson on what happens when you use to much consentrated washing detergent