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| Topic: warning to the guys | |
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How bout this. Understand when a person has kids they come first always! What if the shoe were on the other foot and you had a kid would you want women to pass over you because you have a kid? Telling other guys not to be with a woman because she has kids is immature really. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my short rant but that is a huge pet peeve of mine and reading the above gave me a serious wtf moment. that is better advice |
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sorry snarkytwain I wasn't trying to be mean. Let me give an example of what I mean without making things to complex so as to stay on point.
I look at mom and daughter on Saturday morning and say, "how do you both feel about spending the day at the beach or something, and daughter you may bring a friend too." and daughter says, "hey mom we should go girl shopping instead". Now she knows, and I know what that means for me. Either I drive them around like a chaufer from mall to mall trying to do the family thing. Or I find something else to do probably by myself. Now mom's answer will decide how the day goes for all of us, and which way is she already leaning? Well of course, she is predisposed, the children come first, even to the detriment of the family even if she doesn't realize it. |
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What strikes me as odd is that when you marry into a family....nobody is number 1 anymore. Its called sharing. And being a grown up.    I disagree, noone parents my child except for my child, and his father, nor would they be expected to. Your child parents themself?  I'm thinking you mistyped? My kids' father and I have total control over our kids, yes. And any boyfriend I have would have no jurisdiction over them except to be treated with respect as an adult, of course. But in the event we got married (which to me is WAY more than dating), then he would be their stepfather, and, while not in charge of the major decisions for the kids, he WOULD have a say in day to day raising when they were with us. Thank you spelling po po. I corrected it.. I agree with ya except for where he would be doing any raising. Id say at best in my life, my man would just have to be a decent example, thats all. |
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Its not about me not getting my way. Its about my responsibility to the family to keep us together and try to make family life the best I can. The daughter's focus is probably more on herself, after all she is at the age of not having alot of responsibility, and rightly so. Now as it turns out once again, mom has to decide.
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Edited by
snarkytwain
on
Fri 07/17/09 05:11 PM
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sorry snarkytwain I wasn't trying to be mean. Let me give an example of what I mean without making things to complex so as to stay on point. I look at mom and daughter on Saturday morning and say, "how do you both feel about spending the day at the beach or something, and daughter you may bring a friend too." and daughter says, "hey mom we should go girl shopping instead". Now she knows, and I know what that means for me. Either I drive them around like a chaufer from mall to mall trying to do the family thing. Or I find something else to do probably by myself. Now mom's answer will decide how the day goes for all of us, and which way is she already leaning? Well of course, she is predisposed, the children come first, even to the detriment of the family even if she doesn't realize it. I'm thinking this is an individual thing. Because in that particular scenario, I'd tell my daughter that we already had plans and that we can go shopping some other time. (Ask my eldest, and she'd agree... with a roll of her eyes to boot. ) See, again, that shows spoiling, not being there for them. Two different things IMHO. Thank you spelling po po. I corrected it.. I agree with ya except for where he would be doing any raising. Id say at best in my life, my man would just have to be a decent example, thats all. Gotta disagree, but that's cool, considering we're not gonna marry the same man. See, there has to be a delicate balance. The kids HAVE a dad, who has the right to parent as much as I do. Yet, if I remarry, my new husband becomes a part of the family, as one of the parents, like it or not. In marrying me, he has taken the responsibilities AND the perks of parenthood. The childrens' father overrules the stepfather if need be, yes, but the stepfather has some say. If not, where is the respect given by the children? And where go the things their new stepfather could contribute to their raising? Things myself and their father may not have? He's family when we marry, not just a live in boyfriend. That's the difference to me. |
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Edited by
Atlantis75
on
Fri 07/17/09 05:15 PM
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We're talking about 2 different types of "love" here. The issue isn't who comes first, but perhaps who gets more attention. If a woman with children really out to find a date, she will arrange things to fit everything into her time the best way possible. If you are to date a woman with kids, you must accept the fact, that there will be times, when she just won't have time for you. It's perfectly normal. If you can't deal with the fact that there will be nights when she isn't available, then it's better off if you find women with no kids, there is really no other option.
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I thought the warning came from a man who was married when the "children come first" scenario came into play. So it was about Stepfather. If you are talking about balance then I would guess that you won't have "children come first" on your profile because you already know that in your terms, that is a given.
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I thought the warning came from a man who was married when the "children come first" scenario came into play. So it was about Stepfather. If you are talking about balance then I would guess that you won't have "children come first" on your profile because you already know that in your terms, that is a given. You'd think it was a given, I know. But some don't. I'll repost this from above: The reason I put it there at the VERY first, is because I didn't state it clearly in my last relationship, and he NEVER spent time with me and them together. NEVER. For a year. He expected ALL my free time to be with him, and he even began to accuse me of having a secret double life / relationship because I wasn't with him every waking moment. When I told him "Of course I can't be with you ALL THE TIME unless you want to come hang out with me and my kids too", he looked at me blankly and said, "You told me you didn't need a Daddy."  So yes, I have to state that pretty damn clearly. NO they don't need another dad, but YES they are a HUGE part of my life, which MUST become a part of HIS life too, if it'll EVER work. I thought the OP was talking about dating. "Don't respond to ads..." |
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f course I can't be with you ALL THE TIME unless you want to come hang out with me and my kids too", So he didn't? |
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f course I can't be with you ALL THE TIME unless you want to come hang out with me and my kids too", So he didn't? Nope. Never. I had to go to HIM. Without the kids. Every time. |
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Edited by
Rasmus916
on
Fri 07/17/09 05:43 PM
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ya know, the OP's standpoint burns me just a little too much. I was raised where my dad put his dates before me and my older brother, my brother raised me. Then as I got older, somehow found myself in a relationship with a girl who seemed great, but after a month of us dating, I found out her 6 year old daughter was taking care of her two sets of twins. Now, if she was willing to auctually take care of her kids, that would have been great, but she put everything in front of her kids. I ended up having to make that important phone call to put those kids in better hands.
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ya know, the OP's standpoint burns me just a little too much. I was raised where my dad put his dates before me and my older brother, my brother raised me. Then as I got older, somehow found myself in a relationship with a girl who seemed great, but after a month of us dating, I found out her 6 year old daughter was taking care of her two sets of twins. Now, if she was willing to auctually take care of her kids, that would have been great, but she put everything in front of her kids. I ended up having to make that important phone call to put those kids in better hands. CPS has a file in me. It pretty much says "GREAT mom; crazy people call on her." I know, cuz now all they do is call me and say, "OK, so what's up this time? OK... case closed again. Bye!" This is after they came to my house three times without warning and were proven all three times that I'm not abusing my kids. Comes from having a nutjob ex-in-law family who consider even having divorced their precious boy to be bad mothering. OI! Course, he has the kids right now, but apparently I keep them away from him.  ANYway, sounds like your choice was the right one, though. SIX? God... I can't even go out with my twelve-year-old babysitting SLEEPING siblings without calling at least once, and she's LEGALLY of age to do so! I'm not the greatest mom, however. Which is why I asked their father to take them for a year. I miss them terribly, but I'm learning how to be a better mom, and working on the things I need to work on for them now. |
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Always remember...the kids are there lives! Because when the mans gone, you still got the kids. They love you know matter what.... This concept is fine until the kids grow up and move on with lives of their own that only occasionally include you. Yes they are still your children and matter a lot but your life will be very lonely. My experience is a partner that has a relationship that is one extream or the other "I have to be everything in your life" or "the kids must always be first" usually has been raised in one extream or the other. Balance is a better concept in my opinion. |
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Always remember...the kids are there lives! Because when the mans gone, you still got the kids. They love you know matter what.... This concept is fine until the kids grow up and move on with lives of their own that only occasionally include you. Yes they are still your children and matter a lot but your life will be very lonely. My experience is a partner that has a relationship that is one extream or the other "I have to be everything in your life" or "the kids must always be first" usually has been raised in one extream or the other. Balance is a better concept in my opinion. My mother made us her LIFE. She never did ANYTHING when I was young. When she finally kicked my a***ole stepfather to the curb, I was 14, and she went CRAZY with going out and boyfriends. Having my mother change SO much SO fast was pretty damned hard on all of us. Yeah, moderation is the KEY. |
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It must be a little awkward or different to date someone who has children. I don't have children and when I met my late husband his daughter was grown. Just never have had kids in my romantic life.
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Ya know, I really should stop reading up on posts I put in the past. Every time I come to this one, I read the OP just to see what the topic was about and my blood just boils.
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ya know, the OP's standpoint burns me just a little too much. I was raised where my dad put his dates before me and my older brother, my brother raised me. Then as I got older, somehow found myself in a relationship with a girl who seemed great, but after a month of us dating, I found out her 6 year old daughter was taking care of her two sets of twins. Now, if she was willing to auctually take care of her kids, that would have been great, but she put everything in front of her kids. I ended up having to make that important phone call to put those kids in better hands. I feel for ya, I was in a similar situation with my mom, only it was me raising my younger brother and sister. My relationship with my boyfriend is very important, but my son's needs come first. Then, it's a balance of everyone else's needs and wants, including, on rare occasions my own. |
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Edited by
adj4u
on
Sat 07/18/09 04:38 AM
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You knew there were kids going in. Kids SHOULD ALWAYS come first. But she does need to make room for "just you time". not scriptural the spouse is to come first as the children will grow and depart from you Even if it IS scriptual, that doesn't mean everyone follows the Bible. Plus, I don't agree anyway so nyah!  I don't think kids should always come first, and I'm sure I will hear about it!...lol I think kids should be loved, protected, taught, encouraged, given lots of attention, and forgiven. I believe that unconditional loyalty, trust, entitlement, and enabling can be bad for kids. That is if we want kids who are confident, trustworthy, responsible, sincere, and empathetic. I don't believe in saying no to a child just to say no. I believe if you want to say no you should have a reason, it doestn't have to be a great reason but there should be a comprehendable reason. If your child will always come first, then I believe you ought to stay single. Its only fair to the child, and to the man you may want in your life. To always put a child first is to empower that child with responsibility way beyond what is good for them whether intentional or not. It gives a child the same decision making power as the man you may want in your life should have. Eventually the mom and the child will probably start to over rule the man's decisions 2 against 1. I could go on all day, but I think put some food for thought out there! Greg I don't know about other parents here, but I think you kinda missed the mark when it comes to my own personal definition of "come first". It doesn't mean they get to make my decisions for me. It means that if they need me, I'm there for them. Now, my eldest has issues with anxiety, which she often milks. (She's almost 13... they'll milk ANYTHING for attention ), and I have learned very well when she's truly in need of my help and when she's fine. If she's having an actual anxiety attack, you better BET that no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, I'm running home to her. Period. But if she's just throwing a teenage fit? Nope. Tough love time. Being a parent is ALL about using your head AND your heart. i know many do not follow the bible and many of them that do not follow it claim to be christian that is why i posted it we are all adults and can choose the importance of our relationships (at least until mommy and daddy govt decides we are not capable of that neither) ================================================================== but remember when the kids grow up and depart from you and yer alone i warned ya this issue has destroyed a few marriages and relationships
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You give up your alone time for the most part the moment you become a parent but it doesn't mean you can't still have fun or have no alone time at all.
Kids are a package deal. A woman/man with kids will not appeal to anyone anyhow if sex is the only thing on their mind. When kids are envolved you aren't getting to know just a woman/man. You are getting to know a family. J.M.O. |
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Growing up I always knew that my Mom & Dad were united and in love and in agreement on what was best for me. I also knew that there was a time when I could be the center of attention and times when I wasn't because it was their time for each other. But they were my PARENTS, not my Mom & some dude.
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