Im actually not sure how to phrase this question , so please bear with me if I am not clear enough.

Could you accept a mate who refuses to work on their shortcomings? I know there are detrimental things that are almost impossible to cope with in the longterm eg emotional or physical abuse, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, poor money management, or unhealthy vices eg drug abuse, gambling, etc . I am NOT referring to those things.


I am asking if you have the capacity to accept/tolerate less chronic but still challenging conditions like your mate being a workaholic, or someone who doesnt stand up for you when inlaws are disrespectful, or someone who doesnt help around the house, or someone who is excessively messy/disorganised, or someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires, or who shuts down or gets reclusive during stress or conflict etc , who is cheap or who participates but who shows no initiative, or even someone who doesnt make the effort you would like in looking their best.

Can you accept any of those kinds of shortcomings in your mate if they never changed?

If you can accept it, how do you cope with it?

And I know this is a weird question, but if you can't tolerate any of the above conditions, what shortcomings can you tolerate or accept?

Not me. We all have faults (depwnding in people) but if I can't own up and work on my faults, I wouldn't expect someone else to put up with it for long

But it depends on what the other perceives as short comings and if it minor or not

If I understand what you're asking, the answer is that to me, it isn't a matter of coping with such differences. It's a matter of changing your own mind, so that they don't matter any more. Not a simple thing to do.

You list several concerns that I can easily understand can arise, since I've either seen or been one of them at one time or another. The thing that makes it a little tricky to answer you, is that a significant part of this conundrum, hinges on viewpoint.

Take the "doesn't stand up for you when in-laws are disrespectful," for example. I've witnessed a number of instances where the exact notion of someone being 'disrespectful' was debatable. Some people choose to see cultural differences, or familial habits, as acts of 'disrespect' to them, when what I think is, that the person who is taking issue just doesn't like that sort of behavior, whatever it is. I actually dealt with some people, who's families were like royals, in that they had a set of specific behaviors a visitor was required to exhibit, in order to be considered tolerable.

And I'm not talking about things like don't spit on the table, I'm talking about things like formally greet the head of the household with an honorific. That kind of royal-like stuff. I came from a peasant-class household, and we just don't do that. We show respect in different ways. If someone were to insist that I had to treat someone else's family as though they were my social superiors, in order to have them agree that I was being respectful, I would not be acquainted with them for very long.

Another angle on this: the idea of unspoken contracts. Unless the other person specifically said that they WOULD work on adjusting to fit my style of living, holding them to my personal expectations wouldn't be fair or even rational.

Bottom line, though, overall, if two people are different enough in what they want from each other that one of them has to make THAT much of an effort to alter their most common behaviors, that just means the people are incompatible. The fact that they make you hot to trot just looking or thinking about them is meaningless. Your desire for them, and even theirs for you, doesn't make it either person's responsibility to become someone else.

I think communication would be key in the above situations..
If they are a poor communicator, it would behoove you to try to get them to communicate by addressing that issue along with the others.
I have found that if you talk and express YOUR feelings and desires and ask questions about THEIRs, they may open up as long as they don't feel threatened or ashamed..
Continuing on and saying nothing doesn't change things for the better..it creates animosity..
disrespectful inlaws? I would verbally express my displeasure at not being stood up for, that's for sure... A spouse should 'have your back'.
disorganized and no help? I guess I'm a nag, as I'm not his mother..more expressing my displeasure..
so, after communicating and expressing my thoughts and displeasure I'd be wondering what he'd be going to do to change his demeanour... if nothing changed, I'd probably say 'adios'.. Who needs crap like that?
I mean, we all have our shortcomings, but we work on them don't we?

I think it depends on the flaw. If it is a small flaw.. everyone has them, but if he doesn't stand up for you against anyone.. family or not, then I feel that a character flaw that would be hard to overcome.

personal flaws are one thing, character flaws.. another.

^^^ Makes just too much sense ^^^

Can't really come up with a better answer but I'll think on it and if I come up with something additional I will add...

No farther than I am able to "step up" to offset them.

I mean, for example:

if their shortcoming is something like not sticking up for me with their parents, then I would have to stick up for myself.

If I'm not willing to stick up for myself, and they're not willing to stick up for me, then more than likely it's going to lead to me not "accepting" them/their shortcoming and a failure of the relationship.

IMO that's more relevant. Their shortcomings are their shortcomings. Am I capable of offsetting their shortcomings with my strengths?

"Relationships are a two way street."

It's not just about them working on their shortcomings or not.
A component is also compatibility in offsetting weakness with strengths.

Everyone has both, that are relevant to the relationship and compatibility.

Sometimes there are natural offsets.
If they aren't willing to work on what I and/or they see as their shortcomings, IMO that means I'm more responsible on working on building my strengths in that area, assuming they aren't there or adequate as they are.

IMO my responsibility is not to help them with their shortcomings unless they want me to and are actively participating in working on them.
IMO it is my responsibility to work on my own strengths against their weaknesses/shortcomings.

Are they willing to work on their strengths to offset my shortcomings/weaknesses instead of working on their shortcomings?
Sometimes that's easier and what people are more capable at.


I can accept anything you mention depending on the situation and context.
"Coping" methods depends on context.
I mean:
- your mate being a workaholic.
Am I a workaholic too? Is there a purpose/goal for being a workaholic? Did they become a workaholic recently or were they always a workaholic? Did they say they'd stop but didn't?

- someone who is poor at communicating their feelings or desires.
Are they complaining that I don't understand/know their feelings or desires? Are they refusing to learn how to communicate in the relationship?
Is the failure mine in not putting more of an effort in figuring how exactly they are communicating their feelings or desires? Learning their poor communication? Am I expecting them to learn how I communicate and match me? Is it me that considers their communication poor? Seeing themselves as communicating poorly? Some 3rd person objective observer noticing it and I'm not realizing it until it's pointed out to me?
Is there a lot of miscommunication, or just lack of communication?

I'm not in any kind of relationship at the moment, but to share an example I had recently. I was dating someone near the end of last year, 2016. We would decide to meet somewhere, he could pick the time. I am a really punctual person. I'm always on time and never like to keep anyone waiting. This person is always late. I decided that I'll be ok with it. As I get older, I'm good with it. I find more things I'll accept with people I know.

here's the thing
I am actively working on me every day
I would hope the man in my life would do the same

If the shortcoming is not a deal breaker -so sort of acceptable-, you have to accept that's how he is. So by loving him as he is.

If the shortcoming is not acceptable to me, then we're simply not compatible. In that case it's best to break up. I'm not going to compromise myself anymore. It's gotta be right, or not at all. And by right I don't mean perfect. But there's gotta be basic compatibility and seeing eye to eye.
I'm not willing to go through struggling rude in-laws, workalcoholism etc. etc. I want a nourishing relationship that makes me happy, not an endless war about issues. Been there, done that.

True yellowrose, what may be minor to you may be a huge burden to your partner and vice versa .

Well its fitting that you brought up the concept of unspoken contracts Igor, because I started to believe that almost everyone 's commitment to their mate is built on a mutual caveat that they change into the person their mate needed them to become. And it made me think that we're kinda screwed, because ater 40, I dont think people change that much unless they are shaken up by a trauma like death that causes them to rethink their loves and the way they do things

Admitting incompatability might be the solution indeed

My best friend and i actually had a similar discussion. After almost ten years of marriage she is seeing many flaes in her partner.
I asked her of these were there when they met. She said yes but she thought they would change.
So my first comment is this, if you go into a relationship expecting toeffect change in someone or even to help them change, you're doomed from the start.
You aren't accepting the person as they are.
Another thing is that's what dating is for. To get to knw a person and see how your interests ideas and values blend.

There is also what you accustom them to. When you have someone who is used to helping and you tell them not to, it easily becomes a pattern.
Or if you are picky about how things get done and your partner stops trying.
I'm going to say I'm guilty of that. For example if I'm cooking and someone tells me I'm not doing it right, i might ask oh you have a problem with tha? Or you think you can do it better? If they say yes, i step aside and say be my guest.
I have bern known to go sit doen and watch tv leaving a perplexed person wondering what to do with what's half done.
Many times it does take communication to understand where the person is coming from.
My friend was irritated because her husband isn't responsible about paying the bills on time. He gives her his paycheck but doesn't take the initiative to actually pay the bills. I asked her if he grew up in a home similar to my mom and dads.
She asked what i mean.
I told her my dad and mom both worked but he would just give her the money to follow their budget. She knew what was needed for groceries, bills etc.
My friend said that's how it used to be with her parents and her husbands parents.
When she understood some of the ideas it helped with things.
The last question i asked her, is he a different man now than the one you fell in love with? Has he lost that something special that made you fall in love?

This is me to a tee,
I know personality flaws and character flaws can one and the same for some.

I have some things that are so deeply grained in me that they won't change.
Respect.
Loyalty
Honour,
Improving oneself
Communication.
Trust
Honesty
Ethics

If those type of things are lacking then there would be no issue they wouldn't be a S/O of anytype, friends sure on the outer circle not inner.

Other things life messiness no problem I am kind of a neat freak and I actually enjoy keeping the home.
No one is perfect so if he is accepting of some of my weird habits as I am his. We are golden

If it's just one or two of those things that's tolerable. But you just described one person in my mind. The busy half there husband who isn't in love with you anymore but is either too lazy to move on or too proud to admit they made a mistake in marrying you for any number of reasons. Those are the guys who just don't like being alone so putting up with a little hitching while halfassing everything they do is sort of their mo. At least that's been my experience. Most people don't have just one or two things that they refuse to work on. But don't listen to me. I'm single cause I won't put up with anything you described anymore :)

Shortcomings? Are you talking "piccolo"?

No one mentioned ones integrity.

..hmmm... shortcomings..
Is that like premature ejaculation in any way...lol...jk.. could not help myself..oops. . Okay this is going to get really hard to get off of this one..omg...stop it.lol...

Okay but seriously..lol..
For the longest time.. I just put up with my partners shortcomings..
I would let her know that such things bothered me about her..
And if maybe she could work on them..

And for a week or two things would change become a little better..
But then she would just slip back into her same old ways...
So I put my head down shake it slightly back and forth.. and just carry on with .. holding out hope that someday she would change..
Work on her shortcomings...
If not for me but for the sake of the children...hmmmm... but then there came a point when I realized it's never going to change.... so here I am now footloose and fancy-free...lol... and that's why I look for someone's shortcomings from the very start...
People Are People very hard to change..them.. unless they are enlightened and are always looking to improve themselves... much like myself...hmmm... I guess all I need to do is find a female version of me..lol...
Omg.. I want to date my sister..lol.. I'm just kidding about that part...lol

Minor shortcomings are acceptable, no lies, no deceits of any form whatsoever, and one can just communicate with another the things you dislike much and if he cares how you feel then he would try to correct it to have a smooth relationship. It's just a matter of communication and right reasoning. If he just couldn't change and my love can overpower such shortcoming then it's just fine I guess, I'll just have to live with it until maybe someday he himself will realize and correct it by himself

Relationships are not Do It Yourself projects where you take a real person and revamp the person into what you want.

If you don't like someone how they are then get out and go on to what you do want.

Clearly what you are describing is someone I would not consider but I see people do it all the time. But then I see people also pick their poison every day.